How I can tell my friend her husband is cheating on her.

[RainyRet]

My husband was with her husband at the time and has come home and told me. Both men were in another town with male friends visiting and then going on a fishing trip. The men decided to stay at a house in this town where an 18 year old girl visits. (The men are 40+). This young girl flirts alot around the men and the men egg her on. She sits on their laps and talks about sex alot and smokes marijuana with them. She also likes fresh meat apparently (new men in town).

 

My husband said he got sick of the nonsense and decided to go to bed. He could hear two of the men with her in the kitchen and wasn't very impressed. She was talking about how she got carpet burns last time etc. My husband said he had seen a whole new side to a person we thought we had known for the past 4 years. The male friend told my husband that his wife didn't need to know what had gone on that weekend. My husband said that she wouldn't hear it from him. My husband also was talking to him and said you must be closed to """"(the 18 year old) The male friend said he feels he can tell her anything.

 

This happened a week ago, and on the weekend my friends husband went to this other town for the day again. Goodness knows what happened.

 

My friend is a beautiful family women with two little boys and gets angry with her husband sometimes as he never rings her if hes going to be late and he never tells if he'll be home for dinner.

 

I'm at wits ends to know what to do - should I tell her or should I just let things go on the way they are?

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by RainyRet

I'm at wits ends to know what to do - should I tell her or should I just let things go on the way they are?

 

I feel terrible giving this advice, but it is what I think you should do. You should let things go on the way you are, and keep your husband away from this creep. It would be noble of you to stand up for what is right and blow the whistle on him, but it is very likely the goodwife will resent you for telling her. It would devastate her, and it will ruin her family, her kids need them together.

 

In a perfect world, you wouldn't have to make such a choice. At first I was going to tell you to do the right thing, and barge in there like superman and "save" her marriage, but I never feel comfortable giving advice I couldn't follow myself. In this case, ignorance is bliss, it's not your place, it's not your role.

[silk_sword]

tell the truth. would u want someone to tell u? u could say yes, but think of what it entails. think about what it would do to your entire family (your children included). ignorance is bliss. yet, she deserves to know the truth . and, i feel that since u know, u have a right to tell her (if u see fit). but, this is your decision now. u may tell her if u choose. u may not tell her if u choose. it would cause a lot of devastation. but, concerning your place. no one else can tell u your place, but yourself. u determine your place in any situation that u r brought into. so this is your decision. u have to make it on your own. but remember, it affects and mainly concerns others. this is a crucial decision. think a lot before u make any move on this one. u determine your own right and wrong move here. find your decision, make it, stick to it, and in the face of all the bad, remember y u did it. sometimes u make a decision for another person that is better for them, yet they can't see that. don't get angry if u don't get gratitude. the real thing is that u know y u made it. i wouldn't tell a neighbor, but i wouldn't hesitate to tell my closest friend. your decision - good luck! (very hard - i'm praying for u on this one!)

[OrlandoGirl]

This is def a hard call..and I agree with everyones post on here about it not being your place. She deserves to know though, and she deserves to know it from him. I've read several articles from ann landers to other columns, and they always heed this advice:

If you know the cheater (and in this case your husband does)..you can try to talk to the "cheater" as a friend and encourage they be the honest ones about their infidelity. Let them know YOU know, and how you think maybe, it'd be a good healthy thing to do. If you're willing to take that stance, that's about all one can do.

[Guest]

Tell her. Write her a note & give her the information. You don't have to sign it. I would want to know -- I wish I had known sooner.

 

I was mad at the person who brought the message -- but only for a short while. The message bearer doesn't have anything to do with the situation. The cheating husband & the 18 y/o are the ones who are ruining the marriage and hurting the wife. If this 18 y/o is such a slut then who knows what diseases she may bring to the cheating husband and from him to an innocent wife. She should know so she can take care of herself and her kids.

[Arabess]

That IS a hard call. It can really come back and bite you because once you are involved..... BOTH of them will end up mad at YOU. I have no idea why that happens.....but within the whole emotional mess and drama....it always seems to work that way.

 

Maybe you should consider just going to HIM and telling him what an ASS you think he is. Also tell him you hope he gets caught.

 

I know guys who cheat though....and it really has no bearing on their love for their wife. They aren't showing much respect or faithfulness....but they DO love their families and want to keep them together. Maybe he's just a player....some guys are.

 

Some things are left better alone.

[EnigmaXOXO]

This is a tough call. If I were in your situation, the first thing I would do is consider how "close" of a friend that I was to this other woman. If she were merely an acquaintance, I would consider it none of my business.

 

However, if she was a good friend, I would have to risk the fallout by telling her the truth. She may be angry with me anyway if she finds out later and discovers I had known all along. If you are close enough to her, you should already know her well enough to predict whether or not she would want this information, or if she would resent you later for not telling her.

 

But my primary loyalty, FIRST AND FOREMOST, would go to my husband. Since he was the one who shared the information, going to the other man's wife may affect him moreso than me. It would surely jeopardize his friendship with the other man and put him directly in the line of fire. Everyone would know who tattled on the cheating husband.

 

ONLY if it were okay with my husband, would I feel comfortable going to the other woman. But I would also stand firmly behind that decision and not try to slip her the information 'anonymously' or try to keep my name or my husband's name out of it. If your going to do it...than OWN IT. It wouldn't be fair to hand this information off to someone and than not be there to back them up if/when they decide to confront the cheating spouse.

 

If you're going to get involved, than be prepared to do it all the way!

 

Good Luck.

[brashgal]

I would confront the husband and tell him you are going to tell if he doesn't change his behavior. Because the wife might chose to disbelieve/ignore your message and you might lose her as a friend.

 

I guess you have to decide what is most important to you. You could be a good friend but lose one - is it worth it?

[katydid]

A year ago, one of my best friends found out that my husband had slept with another women. Instead of telling me or confronting my husband or anything she let things go. Her feelings.... it's not her business!!! No I agree to some point but when you know something, I think you need to make a desicion. I called this "friend" of mine after my husband told me. She still claimed to know nothing until her husband called me and said yes they know they knew the entire time, I no longer consider them friends of mine. I asked both of them directly and neither of them were willing to step up to the plate. Like marriage friendship is based on honesty ....

 

In my situation I will NEVER again say it's none of my business. If I know something is a fact I will tell all. Don't shoot the mesenger .... but it is BETTER TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON AT THE TIME then to live a lie!!!!!

 

If the marriage is meant to continue he will not cheat again. If you value this friendship, I would tell her what your husband told you. And what you know. Letting things go just broadens the chance of more indiscretions and more doubt. If she values your friendship, she will thankyou and understand your dilema.

[carla]

Quite a few years ago a friend of mine and I made a packed to tell each other if we ever found out if our bf were cheating on us we would tell each other. Our bf's were best friends. Well it came a time that I had to tell her and understandably she was very upset and went to confront him. An hour or so later she came back to my place and basically told me it was a lie and that he denied every thing and she believed him. That was the beginning of the end of our friendship.

[TheFaithfulWife]

Write the cheater a letter anonymously and tell him that if he doesn't tell his wife about his indiscretions that you will.

 

I would also say that he better not lie and say it didn't happen cuz you have his voice on tape talking to the little tramp.

Put the fear of the devil in him

Nothing like a little blackmail to get the ball rolling

 

Just make sure that you do not leave a trace as to where the letter came from. No fingerprints either. Mail it in another town, the one the 18 year old is from.

 

I know, I know ... I am gonna get flack for this answer, but it would serve the S.O.B right.

 

And the wife wont in any way hold you responsible.

 

<Evil Laugh>

 

The faithful wife

[nap]

My wife and her big B**** friends kept "the secret" of my wife's affair away from me for over 12 years. In that time, we had two additional children and dare I say it, many snickers and whispers from her and her big B**** friends. I have been living a big lie for the last 12 years. The happy snaps, big arguments, sacrifices, unconditional trust, etc over those years has been a farce. I've been made a fool. I did not get a say in my future - I was deceived not once but for a long time. I hate the B**** friends and what my wife did.

One simple rule...."the truth is eventually revealed". And if you are a good friend of mine and you knew and did not tell me....then you are also playing with my future. I now have many "deep cuts" and guess which one is the deepest...the marathon lie.

Guess which way I think you should lean?

[LiYojeria]

"The male friend told my husband that his wife didn't need to know what had gone on that weekend. My husband said that she wouldn't hear it from him"

 

Wow!! I'll leave that one alone?!?!?!?!?!

 

That's not your Husband's business or yours.

 

STAY OUT OF IT!

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I agree with an earlier post that you give him a chance to tell her and tell him that if he doesn't in such and such time, you would tell her. More than likely he may tell before it gets to that point. If you decide to tell her, let her know that you spoke with her husband about it, and gave him time to say something because you felt he was the one to tell her, and that you're coming to her now because you feel she deserves to know. People are not always resentful when you say something about their mates cheating on them. Some people are grateful.