Older Woman ... Younger Man ... Advice Please!

[Beach Gurl]

Hi Folks

 

Until recently, due to an extended period of temporary insanity, I was The Other Woman for 2 years (some of you may have seen me on another forum). I drew the line, issued an ultimatum, and true to Arabess' words, he did diddly squat to come to the party, even though I am "the love of his life". I still love him, but have to move on and have done so in body, if not in heart & spirit.

 

Here's the thing ... on New Years Eve I met a great guy 8 years younger than me. I am 33, he just turned 25. I am divorced, have a 2 and 1/2 year old daughter, successful career woman. The age gap is not apparent, perhaps looks more like a 1 or 2 year gap at the most.

 

It was instant attraction, and we get on exceptionally well, including the circle of friends, he does well with my daughter etc. He seems to be falling for me quicker than I am for him.

In chatting, it comes out that yes he does want marriage (eventually), a son (eventually) etc. My problem is that I do not know if I am willing to have a second child at 37 or 38. Another issue is his absolute panic at the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy, and I quote "G*d that is the worst thing that could happen! Please tell me you would consider abortion!" . This really really concerns me.

 

 

OK, so needless to say, I have various issues to deal with:

1. Do I want to "waste" my younger man's time if I have no intention of waiting 5 years to have a second child?

 

2. I worry that he has not had the benefit of the experiences that I have - things like living on your own (he still lives at home - supports his mother), living with someone, travelling etc - and that he will seek these sooner or later. He has also only had 1 serious relationship which ended a year ago.

 

3. I am hung up on the difference in sexual gratification between him and my previous lover. It has only happened twice so far and it was mediocre. I know it can improve over time, but I am worried it wont. My opinion is that it is due to lack of experience on his part. (Read another post that said Younger Men use Older Woman as teachers!)

 

4. In time, will the age gap not become more and more apparent, and when he's 30 he can attract a beautiful 25-year-old! I dont want to be insecure for the rest of my life!

 

Would like to hear from other women with similar experiences. Thanks for reading.

 

 

Beach Gurl

[DerangedAngel]

I'm not a woman with similar experiences, necessarily, but I'm gonna take a shot at this one anyway. I am in a relationship with a guy 14 years my senior... so I know what it is like having to deal with "the age gap".

 

1. Do I want to "waste" my younger man's time if I have no intention of waiting 5 years to have a second child?

 

You just met him on New Years Eve... if you like him, date him until all these issues come up, and you must discuss it seriously. If you tell him you don't want to have children while in your late 30's, and he can't handle that... then he will be the one to make the choice to end the relationship. He will get to decide whether his time is being wasted or not.

 

2. I worry that he has not had the benefit of the experiences that I have - things like living on your own (he still lives at home - supports his mother), living with someone, travelling etc - and that he will seek these sooner or later. He has also only had 1 serious relationship which ended a year ago.

 

I suppose my boyfriend must feel this way about me to an extent. Sooner or later he probably will live on his own, live with someone (maybe you...), and want to travel (again, maybe with you...). I don't really see why any of the above is a problem. I do understand that you are concerned that he isn't experienced in relationships. Only you can weigh all the pros and cons in your mind and decide whether or not this is a good relationship for you to be in right NOW. You don't have to worry about forever yet.

 

3. I am hung up on the difference in sexual gratification between him and my previous lover. It has only happened twice so far and it was mediocre. I know it can improve over time, but I am worried it wont. My opinion is that it is due to lack of experience on his part. (Read another post that said Younger Men use Older Woman as teachers)

 

It has been my experience that it takes more than "twice" to get these things right. Perhaps it was only mediocre for him as well. He doesn't know what you like and vice versa. I seriously don't think this is something you need to worry about right now. If you really think he might be using you after reading that other post, then again only you can say whether or not it is a good relationship for you to be in.

 

4. In time, will the age gap not become more and more apparent, and when he's 30 he can attract a beautiful 25-year-old! I dont want to be insecure for the rest of my life!

 

Yes, it will become more and more apparent. I don't know if my SO worries about getting older and me not being as attracted to him, or not. You are just beginning a relationship with this guy, don't worry about "the rest of your life" with him yet. If the two of your do not grow closer as time goes on, and you can't trust that he won't leave you for some young thing, then you will leave him, and you will find someone else more suited for you.

 

I say, give him a try. One question for you though: Have you at least thought that this might be a 'rebound'? Have fun! RELAX!

 

Best wishes to you!

 

-Deranged

[Beach Gurl]

Hi Deranged

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

One question for you though: Have you at least thought that this might be a 'rebound'? Have fun! RELAX!

 

 

Ummm, yes, I have considered that. And yes, it probably is to some extent, but the majority of advice I got upon regaining my sanity, was to get out there and meet new people. So I am!

So maybe I am just getting a bit nervous as this new man is wanting exclusivity already.

[DerangedAngel]

And yes, it probably is to some extent, but the majority of advice I got upon regaining my sanity, was to get out there and meet new people. So I am!

 

I'm happy that you're doing this for you.

 

So maybe I am just getting a bit nervous as this new man is wanting exclusivity already.

 

I think this is completely understandable. If you're not ready, let him know that you just got out of a serious relationship - and aren't up to being exclusive, yet. If he really likes you, he'll step back and give you the space that you need.

 

Hope it works out the best way possible for you (and your daughter).

 

-Deranged

[moimeme]

Eight years is not that huge a gap.

[Arabess]

Beach Gurl,

 

I don't know whether to say congratulations or tell you how sorry I am that you had to go thru Mr Married Ass showing his true colors! I know it had to be painful and it DOES take awhile to get over it. Sometimes I think you never really do get over it.....you just move on 'in spite' of it.

 

I date guys younger than I am...because that's who I mainly come in contact with at work. I don't have a prob with the age difference, nor do they. If anything, they seem to like it. I DO UNDERSTAND that 'baby' thing though. I don't WANT another child....sometimes I don't even want the ones I already have....HAHA!

 

I always bring it up on a first date, not to a guy directly, but find a way to state I don't want anymore children during the conversation. Therefore, if it's something he is thinking about....I am indirectly saying he should find someone else who may want to have a baby with him one day. It won't be with me.

 

Other than that, I really don't think a woman who is older than a guy should feel insecure about younger woman. Just as DerangedAngel said....she is dating an older guy in a serious relationship. I doubt younger guys are a threat to him....at least not in her mind. So, it's really on a problem....if it's a problem to YOU. The guy could probably care less. It's not 'age' that makes a relationship....it's the chemistry and all the other stuff.

 

All your points for hesitation are valid. However, his lack of life experiences and even some sexual skills....just indicates he has less baggage. I know plenty of guys who are MY age and are dumber than dirt and totally irresponsible....and not too great in the sack either.

 

If it doesn't end up being a long term serious relationship.....look at it as a stepping stone for him into maturity and a stepping stone for you in helping your heart heal. Enjoy the benefits this relationship is giving to both of you.....and ENJOY YOURSELF! Look on the bright side....at least he doesn't have a wife and you aren't sharing him.

 

I'm proud of you for moving on.....

Your friend,

Arabess

[EnigmaXOXO]

My current partner is nine years younger than myself. We have ‘both’ had only one long term relationship prior to this one. He adores children, and when we first met, he wanted to eventually settle down and raise a family...while I, on the other hand, had already done that and decided at this point in my life I wasn't prepared to start all over again.

 

I couldn't survive another teenager!!

 

Like you, I was concerned about the long-term probability of our relationship surviving. Not just because of the age difference, but rather because we were at two very different places in our lives. Not being much of a ‘risk taker,’ I decided to throw caution to the wind and take one anyway. And after four years (and a bumpy start) we are still together and going strong.

 

Sure, there is always the chance that one day he might meet someone else; younger, prettier, more interesting...or just plain ‘different.’ But doesn’t every relationship take that risk regardless of age differences? There is also the possibility that his biological clock might start ticking (tee-hee) and he'll decide to trade me in for a healthy breeder with child-bearing hips. But would having children with someone else guarantee that the relationship would be any better than the one he already has? That decision has, and will always remain his choice to make.

 

Yep, I considered all the same probable outcomes that you now face. But I never consider it a “waste of time” when I’m investing it in someone I truly care about. Even if it all ended tomorrow, I would still be grateful for the last four years and the happiness and good times it brought me…the lessons I learned about myself and the things we’ve been able to teach each other.

 

It’s good to be cautious, but when it comes to ‘love’ we can’t live in fear of the ‘what ifs’ or we risk missing out on the experience. Take your time , date him for awhile, just have *FUN* and see where it goes.

 

You never know…

[sweetbilly]

As a man, I love to date older women, they're more mature, encouraging, understanding, and not as judgmental. and really, these are the traits to dating an older woman that most men like. However, there are negative traits as well. I can say that having children, for a man, is a serious issue. Men have a lot at stake in a relationship, and it usually involves a future family; almost all men want a son, it's very important! and not being able to have one, at least for me, would be devastating! so, if you would like the viewpoint from a man? If you just want sex. keep the relationship going, there's nothing wrong with a little fun. but if you don't want a child tell him, you owe him that much! if you do get pregnate don't have an abortion! #1 if you do, and he finds out, the relationships over. #2 most women don't know this, but women who do have abortions increase their chances of getting breast cancer by 50% #3 many women who have an abortion can't handle the stress, due to natural reactions physically, and mentally. as a result, they commit suicide. i'm not saying this is what you'll do, or this is what will happen, but it's food for thought. My personal opinion, if you're going to have a child you don't want, put him up for adoption. There are people everywhere that would like to have a child, and can't. I love children and if there's not a threat to the mother's life I can't, personally, approve of abortion. not that you need my approval, after all it's your life. But i would hope that when the time comes, you wouldn't think only of yourself OK?

[Beach Gurl]

Thank you for your replies & advice

 

EnigmaXOXO and Sweetbilly ... I have been honest about not wanting to have children past 35 or 36. So now the ball is in his court. It is his decision.

 

 

if you do get pregnate don't have an abortion! #1 if you do, and he finds out, the relationships over.

 

He was the one suggesting the abortion, hence my concern. While I recognise and appreciate that 25 is probably too young to have kids, the choice would ultimately be mine, but after having raised my daughter single-handedly I think I am well aware of the challenges that would face me.

Having said that, once you have children, abortion takes on a whole new dimension as this time you go into it with FULL knowledge of what you have created and contemplating destroying.

 

We had a long talk last night, and while we won't have the "one day at a time" mentality because neither of us are able to not want some predictor of future events, we have decided to take it slow and not try to plan our whole lives or the next 5 years based on one month.

 

I agree with EnigmaXOXO, I cannot shut myself away waiting for MR SAFE & PERFECT & A SURE THING. I am willing to share my life with this person, and lets see where it takes us.