mrshuma Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 I will try to make this as short as possible; My ex broke up with me on May 20, we were together for almost 7 years and lived together for more then 6 of those years. No real big reasons for the breakup, no cheating or abuse. There wasn't a big fight that preceded it. She has been with me from 20-27 and said that she wanted to be on her own, loved me but wasn't in love with me, the classic GIGS lines. I immediately moved out and left the state. She didn't want to be with me so no point in sticking around. I did the usual begging/pleading the next couple of days with no effect. Then announced NC and told her I couldn't be friends and if she ever wanted to discuss the relationship I may listen but there was no point in further contact. 22 days later strict NC, my friend calls me and tells me that he had ran into her the night before and she told him that she couldn't send me back my clothes, etc because she had lost her job a week after the breakup (she is a nurse) so he offered to pick up my things for me since he would be driving to my area in a few weeks anyway. She said that was fine. After he told me this, I felt terrible and my emotions took over. There was absolutely no reason for me to call her but I broke down and gave her a call. We talked for hours on the phone and I was telling her how I've been seeing a therapist and been working out (all the positive things). She basically told me that she had been so stressed about losing her job and finding another one (or waiting on the union to get it back) that she hadn't given much thought about the relationship. (granted it was only 3 weeks since the breakup at this point) She had been staying busy, going out, meeting new friends, etc. Conversation went well but obviously her feelings hadn't changed. So I started NC again, 4 days pass (keep in mind she has never broken NC up until this point) then she sends me a long email talking about how she is so depressed, doesn't know where her next check is coming from, and that her last check wasn't as big as she thought it would be. Keep in mind she never asks me for anything and even tells me at the end of the email that is a jerky think for her to email me about this and that I don't have to call or email her. She was too embarassed to talk to tell anyone else and that she didn't know what to do. I know I'm not her boyfriend at this point but we did have almost a 9 year history (7 years together) so I still deeply love and care for her. Well the sap that I am, I broke down and called her again. This conversation lasted several hours as well and I had her open up a bit more. I know she was desperate and wanted someone to talk to so I just kept the conversation fun, made her laugh, reassured her that everything would work out for her, if she didn't get her job back she would find another job or at least could get some unemployment. I told her, all is not lost and she will come out of this. She did tell me how some of her friends begged her to go out on a couple of dates just to get her mind off things and that they were both disasters. She said she is not going to date anymore and that she is a mess (who would want her at this point in time anyway). I am 100% sure there is no other guy in this equation. We didn't talk much about the relationship but she did say that I sounded much different, and that I was admitting to mistakes I had made in the relationship (she didn't think I would admit to them), she said that she doesn't want to be backed into a corner to try a second time, that she just wants a normal life (with no job stress) so she could see down the road what she wants with life. She did make a comment that if we were to try again, that we should definitely no move in together and we should date for awhile because we moved to fast when we first got back together. Now she never said we would get back together but she did make those comments. This last conversation happened this past Sunday. One important part I wanted to mention was that during the first part of NC, I decided that I needed a vacation so my parents and I booked a trip to Greece between July 4 to September 6. I told her about booking the trip this past Sunday, she thought it would be good for me but did make a comment that I could have went to California to visit my friend for 2 weeks instead (Originally I was going to go to California for 2 weeks instead of Greece, but then changed my mind) Now these comments she made to me, were they just her trying to make me feel better or does she want me closer by because she thinks she may change her mind soon? She did make another point though how it doesn't matter where we are in the world, if she wants to try it again she would make it known to me. So another 4-5 days NC has passed since the last conversation. Her friends are in town visiting her until Tuesday and then I leave the following Sunday. I am not expecting anything to happen but it did upset me because after we talked on Sunday she said she would email me to let me know this week if she got her job back (Haven't heard a thing). I am not being nieve I know she still looks at me as a friend and even felt a bit used when she needed me to help her through her job depression. She never did ask me for anything though and she never did break NC except for that one long email. The hardest part is I deeply love this girl and always planned on getting married to her, etc. Her family loves me and constantly is telling her how she is making a mistake. I know that doesn't really matter at this point but even she keeps telling me how she will never find anyone who loved her like I did and that I ruined her for another man because no one can compare, all these things are to make me feel better I know because if I was so great then why did she break up with me. I just wanted to get some honest opinions from people on this board, was she just feeding me crumbs when she was mentioning the possibility of dating in the future? That she wouldn't drag me along in the future out of respect to our previous relationship, and the part about going to California for 2 weeks instead of Greece for 2 months. Am I reading to much into all of this? I know she still has some feelings for me, I just don't think she knows what she wants. This is all very hard, I think the best thing to do is maintain NC until I get back from Greece. At that point in time 75 days will have passed, should I stay in NC? Keep in mind I still want her back because I know our issues were not that serious and I am willing to fix them. It takes 2 to tango and she has to want it as well, I understand all of this. What do you guys/gals think? Thanks for taking the time to read this. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 She has someone else in her sights. Question is, what are you going to do about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrshuma Posted June 25, 2010 Author Share Posted June 25, 2010 hopesndreams: I am 100% positive there is no one else, she didn't break up with me because of that. I know you will say how do I know for sure but I know thats not the reason. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 What other reason could there be? Were you a monster? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrshuma Posted June 25, 2010 Author Share Posted June 25, 2010 I do want to add that she mentioned several times how different I sounded and she was impressed that I was speaking to a therapist (didn't expect that) and also how I was taking blame for mistakes I made, etc. I know it probably doesn't mean too much but I could tell that she was surprised and had her thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Summerday Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Yep, I agree that she has someone else in mind. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrshuma Posted June 25, 2010 Author Share Posted June 25, 2010 Just the usual GIGS lines; We've been together my entire adult life, she doesn't know what she wants and who she is, etc etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrshuma Posted June 25, 2010 Author Share Posted June 25, 2010 I'm telling you guys there is no one else trust me I am 100% sure of this. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Well, I hope for your sake there isn't. If there is, drop us a line, we can help you through the transitions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrshuma Posted June 25, 2010 Author Share Posted June 25, 2010 lets just assume there isn't anyone else, what do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrshuma Posted June 25, 2010 Author Share Posted June 25, 2010 I know I cannot change her mind but I also don't want to push her even further away. I understand the concept of NC but I also don't want to make any mistakes or ruin any opportunity to date her again. Would NIC be better in this situation or if I speak to her when she contacts me then she knows she just has me on a string. Should I take the trip and then when I get back call her to see where she stands since 2 more months would have passed? Link to post Share on other sites
Summerday Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 I think you should take your trip and while you're on that trip you should try and not think about her. When you get back I don't think you should call her, let her call you. She will call you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrshuma Posted June 25, 2010 Author Share Posted June 25, 2010 Thanks Summerday, should I only speak to her if its about getting back together or just maintain LC when I get back? I know most recommend NC but I don't know if this situation is different? Link to post Share on other sites
Summerday Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 My advice is talk to her, but don't be so available to her. Try making your conversations shorter. Show her you're happy and enjoying life. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 Make your intentions 100% clear with her. Then, you will know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrshuma Posted June 26, 2010 Author Share Posted June 26, 2010 hopesndreams: she absolutely knows my intentions. Link to post Share on other sites
SarahRose Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 There is something you aren't telling us. What are the reasons she told you for leaving you? We want to know in her words why she left you Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 hopesndreams: she absolutely knows my intentions. She knows? Great! Time for NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrshuma Posted June 26, 2010 Author Share Posted June 26, 2010 Sarah: I did at the beginning; She said She has been with me from 20-27 and said that she wanted to be on her own, see if she can handle it, loved me but wasn't in love with me, the classic GIGS lines. She said we've been together my entire adult life, she doesn't know what she wants and who she is, etc etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrshuma Posted June 26, 2010 Author Share Posted June 26, 2010 hopes: so unless she wants to discuss getting back together, or dating then just stay in NC? Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 Sarah: I did at the beginning; She said She has been with me from 20-27 and said that she wanted to be on her own, see if she can handle it, loved me but wasn't in love with me, the classic GIGS lines. She said we've been together my entire adult life, she doesn't know what she wants and who she is, etc etc. I'm sorry. If there is no one else in her life, it would be shocking. Classic GIGS is right and usually, as in 99.9% of the time, there is someone else. He is well hidden and won't be allowed to come out and play until you are truly out of the picture. That way, she can save face with family and friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrshuma Posted June 26, 2010 Author Share Posted June 26, 2010 hopes: trust me there is no one else - I'm telling you - just amuse me and lets assume there isn't.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrshuma Posted June 26, 2010 Author Share Posted June 26, 2010 not anything to do with my situation but there is a huge thread on another forum about GIGS and its only about 60/40 when the SO leaves for someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 not anything to do with my situation but there is a huge thread on another forum about GIGS and its only about 60/40 when the SO leaves for someone else. 60/40 eh? That's only because some people love to have their head in the sand. As I stated b4, unless you were a complete monster to her, she has someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrshuma Posted June 26, 2010 Author Share Posted June 26, 2010 Hopes I am telling you there is no one else... Link to post Share on other sites
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