7 Year Relationship Over (GIGS)

[hopesndreams]

Ok, there is no one else. Let's go with that.

 

You still must go NC. It will give her chance to wonder about you, and miss you. Without NC, she can carry on her jolly way, leaning on you for emotional support and getting an ego fix from throwing you breadcrumbs. Once she no longer "needs" you, you will be thrown away like yesterdays newspaper.

[mrshuma]

there were times I took her and the relationship for granted. It was almost 7 years and we weren't engaged because of the mixed signals she gave me. Even though that wasn't the reason for the breakup (not getting engaged) she did mention how there must be something wrong if we weren't engaged and/or married this point in time. We were living together from when she turned 21 until 27 so people do change I realize that. Her mother has been divorced a few times and that also plays into this as well, as she would say things such as she doesn't want to be 45 and wake up one day regretting it, etc.

[mrshuma]

Hopes: I know, everything I have read says to go NC but to move on and heal, I am not ready to move on and heal at this point. Does NC really work to bring them back? I do agree that being her friend and being there for emotional support won't help me either and thats not what I am going to do, I just didn't know if I should stay in LC after I get back from my trip or simply remain in NC if/when she wants to discuss us.

[mrshuma]

My therapist is also telling me to go NC, he says from the sounds of it her feelings haven't changed so there is no point in continuing contact. She knows I am going away and when I will be back so if she wants to talk she can contact me when I get back. If not then I will probably have my answer. I just don't understand why she talks about if we get back together, we need to date and take it slow, and why she made the comment about maybe I should go to California for 2 weeks instead of Greece for 2 months? It doesn't make sense.

[hopesndreams]

NC isn't about bringing her back. It's about putting yourself first. With time, those that do the dumping have second thoughts and if they don't break down your door wanting to get back with you, then they are someone that is not meant for you. Put yourself first.

[hopesndreams]

I just don't understand why she talks about if we get back together, we need to date and take it slow, and why she made the comment about maybe I should go to California for 2 weeks instead of Greece for 2 months? It doesn't make sense.

 

It's all about keeping you on that string. She is undecided about what to do. Don't make it easy on her. Go NC. It's the quickest way for her to come to her senses or for you to see that she just isn't worth it.

[mrshuma]

You are right hopes, its just much easier said then done. I know she broke up with me but it doesn't feel like its over. I'm blinded by the 7 years, I don't know. I almost wish there was someone else it would be much easier to find closure.

[hopesndreams]

You are right hopes, its just much easier said then done. I know she broke up with me but it doesn't feel like its over. I'm blinded by the 7 years, I don't know. I almost wish there was someone else it would be much easier to find closure.

 

Don't wish that bud. It would only make the pain much worse.

 

I know you don't want to hear it, but, those that cheat will hide who they are cheating with until such time they can come to light.

[mrshuma]

wellbelieveit - I know the situation and there is no other guy I am 150% sure of it. Let's just assume there isn't. It has nothing to do with denial.

[mrshuma]

I did think at the time there might have been another guy, I'm not nieve. I am just telling you I know for a fact there isn't. Its easy to say there is another guy and be done with it, this isn't the case.

[mrshuma]

Taken from another board, GIGS doesn't ALWAYS mean there is another person, at least not right away. In my situation there isn't another man.

 

The Grass Is Greener Syndrome

(AKA; itchy feet, quarter life crisis, early-twenty-itus)

 

I thought I would put together a thread here to provide some information on and a place to discuss this particular type of break up. I've had relationships end because of it along with a few of my friends. In addition, I've had friends be the ones stricken with this 'syndrome', so I've seen how it plays out from both sides. Hopefully, I can provide a little insight to help those of you going through this type of breakup. The more we understand something, the more comfortable with it we become and the less scary it seems.

 

In my opinion, outside of infidelity, this is one of the toughest types of breakups to go through. It seemingly comes out of nowhere, seems to have no rhyme or reason behind it, and it can strike even the best of couples. In your 'run of the mill' break up, there's usually an identifiable reason or set of reasons that led to the split, such as personality conflicts, fighting, different life goals, etc. These breakups are also difficult, but I've always found them a bit easier to cope with because you can identify a cause to the effect. Not so with the grass is greener syndrome. It's like going through a root canal even though your teeth are perfectly healthy.

 

This syndrome usually tends to fall on women within the age range of 20-25 (it happens to men, too, but seems to be less often). It usually happens in a long term relationship (maybe two or more years) when the couple is about to make a much larger commitment to each other, such as an engagement or marriage. It's as if the mixture between the person's young age and the thought of making such a huge commitment almost makes them want to go on the relationship equivalent of the Amish's Rumspringa.

 

Some of the classic symptoms of this are as follows:

Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.

Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.

An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.

Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.

Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.

 

One of the biggest problems with these sorts of breakups is that the dumpee will be more likely to want to stick around in the dumpers life. Due to the dumper's extreme mixed signals and the fact that they'll try harder than usual to keep the dumpee around as a friend, the dumpee will make all sorts of excuses to stay around. They'll say things such as "She's just confused, so we're going to remain friends and see what happens". These sorts of breakups need to be treated like any other kind of breakup. Give the dumper as much space as possible and gracefully bow out of their life.

 

The thing to keep in mind is that in these sorts of breakups, the dumpers themselves don't have any sort of answers to give. They're usually just as confused about the situation as the dumpee. This often adds more pain to the dumpee because they're just looking for some sort of reason as to why they're being hurt so badly and get completely frustrated when the dumper can't give them one. They think the dumper may be acting cruel or like the dumper is hiding something from them. This is usually not the case. The dumper isn't giving any answers because they don't have them.

 

Now for the good news. If the dumpee does completely exit the dumpers life and resist the temptation to remain friends, the chance that the opportunity for reconciliation will arise is actually quite good. If the relationship was a good one, the dumper will find out eventually that the grass isn't greener, it's just different grass and may even be a little worse than the pastures they left. However, that doesn't mean that a reconciliation will happen. Due to the hurtfulness of this type of breakup, the dumpee will most often refuse the offer for reconciliation when it eventually comes up (which can be months or over a year down the line). Since the breakup happened out of nowhere and for no real good reason, it can be difficult for most people to get the trust back in the relationship. The fear that they'll suddenly be dumped out of nowhere will hinder the relationship from developing into anything. This is why I said the "opportunity" for reconciliation is a lot higher and not that actual reconciliations are common for these types of breakups.

 

So, my heart goes out to all of you enduring this particular type of breakup. Just remember, it's not your fault and it's not the dumper's fault, either. It's just due to human nature and unfortunate sets of circumstances. No amount of picking your ex's brain will result in any sort of meaningful answers to the questions that plague you. Just remember that this is a phase and it doesn't last forever. So, as long as your ex is in this phase, all you can do is go about living your own life and making yourself a better person.

 

If anyone has any questions, I'll be happy to give you my opinion on the matter.

 

Good luck, everyone.

[mrshuma]

Can you just amuse me and lets pretend there isn't another guy. What do you recommend then?

[mrshuma]

I DIDN'T WRITE THAT POST, I took it from another board I mentioned that at the top. What do you recommend if there isn't another guy involved. I am telling you I am sure there isn't and you seem to think you know every single situation imaginable. I have facts, its not denial. If you don't want to give me advice that is fine.

[monkeymaid]

anhy way you want to look at this, the way to go about getting her back is to leave her alone.

 

she knows what you want, you know what you want, but both of you are unsure of what she wants.

 

if she really cant make up her mind, then she is going to date, and ,mess around in other relationships. whether she started 6 months ago or in 6 months from now makes no difference. the fact remains that she is gone, and is not giving and definitive signs that she is coming back.

 

now is you time. selfish time. the time where you do you. she is gone and not your concern anymore. no more codependence. no more leaning on you. if you let her do that, she can come and go as she pleases, and will do so again in the future. if you axe her from your life, she will either a) see the error of her ways and come running, or b) just let go and move on. become a better man than you are. you are not a push over, and you have value. in fact from what i see in your posts, you are a dreamer, and that is one of the most valuable traits in anyone!

 

either way you are not in control of her actions, her thoughts, or her emotions. ...you can manipulate them (ive done it) but that is just a patch and it isnt actually real. ...its real when she makes the decision all on her own and using her own thoughts and emotions. it means more that way as well.

 

if you want this dream to be real, you have to do the hardest thing possible and really let her go.

[Art_Critic]

mrshuma.. Relationships follow very predictable patterns and so do their breakups, while you may not want to believe there is someone the pattern your breakup is following says there is.

 

You cannot know what is in her heart.. only she knows that and if she is wanting to give her heart to another then there is nothing you can do.

 

Time to give her an unadulterated dose of silence and go NC FOREVER

 

By the way... silence can be deafening, so by going NC you are screaming the loudest.

[mrshuma]

wellbelieveit, I don't believe you read my initial post and a few followup posts, THERE WERE REASONS and I mentioned them. Of course the relationship wasn't perfect, there WERE ISSUES I have mentioned some of them. I wanted advice on what I should do from here on out, after the 2 phone conversations I had with her left me even more confused.

[mrshuma]

Thanks Art - I learned my lesson after being "there" for her when she lost her job, etc. It set me back but also made me realize that I have absolutely no control over the situation. I am not going to contact her before I leave or after I get back from my trip. I know what I need to do I guess I needed to hear it from more people because I don't want to ruin any chance of reconciliation. I know NC is to move on and heal I am just not at that point yet.

[monkeymaid]

...does it matter at all why she left you? in all honesty?

 

shes gone, now make your life amazing without her. ...play the hand you are dealt, stop playing the hand you just got robbed from you. itsnot going to help with the ones in your hand

 

 

the reasons ar unimportant now, shes made a decision, now you let her live with the consequences

[Art_Critic]

Thanks Art - I learned my lesson after being "there" for her when she lost her job, etc. It set me back but also made me realize that I have absolutely no control over the situation. I am not going to contact her before I leave or after I get back from my trip. I know what I need to do I guess I needed to hear it from more people because I don't want to ruin any chance of reconciliation. I know NC is to move on and heal I am just not at that point yet.

 

Try not to let what happened to you in this relationship make you bitter towards others..

 

Understand that she helped create some baggage in your life and you need to figure it out so you don't unfairly punish the next GF you have for your Ex's mistakes.

 

Good Luck on figuring this all out.. breakups suck and there are no easy breakups..

Just try and go NC and time will make all the pain duller..

[LucreziaBorgia]

Can you just amuse me and lets pretend there isn't another guy. What do you recommend then?

 

Honestly, I got dumped in a similar way. There was no 'other woman' - he just simply grew out of me, didn't want to be with me anymore. In some ways that is worse than being dumped for someone else.

 

If there is someone else, then it generally isn't your fault. If there isn't someone else, then they simply didn't see you as good enough to have a future with.

 

He kept me on a string for a long time - right on up until he joined a dating site and started meeting other girls. Then he was gone.

 

I was the crutch that kept him going until he found a "real" girlfriend - one he could see a future with.

 

If there was no guy in this situation, then understand this: she simply doesn't see any point in a future with you and wants to keep you on the hook until she finds someone she does want a future with.

 

In a case like this, having lived the hell of being a crutch - I advise this: cut her off completely, do not contact her, do not let her contact you. Stop talking to her friends/ family. Of course they see you are good for her - look at how generally good things were. From the outside you look like "Mr. Right" but what the 'outside' has to say doesn't matter. What matters is what she is saying, and that is:

 

I don't want to be with you, but I need you to keep me afloat until I do find someone.

 

If I had to do it all over again, I would have told the guy who dumped me to f*ck off. The healing would have been quicker instead of a prolonged and painful journey down a spiral until he was done with me and found someone else.

 

Get out now. You can't go back to holding hands, so to speak. She expects you to be able to go back in time and become the guy she started with, not the guy she dumped years later. Unless you have the ability to literally erase your memory and undo the last 9 years and everything it means to you and how it made you the person you are today (the one she dumped), you do not have a shot at 'starting over'.

 

Like Kenny sang... 'you got to know when to hold em', know when to fold em' know when to walk away, know when to run...'

[spriggig]

Go to Greece, blow a bunch of money and get laid (be safe). You'll have a crappy time in Greece if you think about her, focus on the present and stay in NC the entire time.

 

When you get back in two months everything will look different. You'll still love her and want her but you'll see a bigger picture and have a better idea of what you want for YOU instead of what you want for the two of you together.