Living Together. Want it to work but don't know if I can

[FreeMe]

I have a few issues - any help I can get on any would be appreciated.

 

I'm not sure I'm cut out to be in a long term relationship with someone I love. I have trust issues and my doubts and fears creep up on me and I get really down. I have no reason not to trust the person I'm with so this is me. I want to fix it but I don't know if I can. If I lost him over my trust issues it would make me feel so horrible - like I had screwed up and pushed him away. The guilt, the self-blame, and regret of doing that would be worse than just losing him. Sometimes I think I should just end it now so that it doesn't happen.

 

I'm not sure living with someone full time is good for me. I've mostly lived alone and been single and had no problem at all with it. In fact, most of the time I preferred to be alone. Being alone had it's drawbacks occassionally but for the most part I had no problem with it. Why then, am I afraid to lose the person I'm with? If I know I can be happy alone, why would I worry about losing someone? I know it would hurt at first but I would get over it and be fine. I know that. Alone, I'm confident. I'm attractive. I like myself. I enjoy doing things myself.

 

So why am I insecure now? Why do I have to fight myself constantly to keep from holding onto him too tightly? Why do I read into every mood change and the things he says and does trying to protect or prepare myself to be hurt.

 

I keep trying to get this into perspective by thinking - what's the worst thing that could happen? Well the worst thing is that I could be hurt and have to go back to being alone. Been there before. I survived. The fear of that should not be influencing my moods and thinking (and even dreaming) like this. How do I learn to relax and not be so afraid and paranoid?

 

Also, for those of you who have been married or living with someone for a long time. How do you not internalize your parner's moods? How do you deal with the day to day stuff? When I have lived with others, they were very volatile relationships - miserable, but always lots of turmoil. The "normal" can feel to me like a lack of interest.

 

Sigh. I think too much.

 

I'm sure counseling will be suggested. YES I do plan to go to counseling. Just got new insurance so have to look into it.

 

The relationship is actually pretty good - we don't argue much. He has had glimpses of my fears and has no patience with them. He gets very offended that I might not trust him blindly. I want to. I want to be happy. Like I was when I met him-

 

Thanks

[lquidmetalspine]

I am a married man, but not that long, it's comming up on the first anniversary. But I have lived with my wife for over that, about 2 years now. I have to tell you that it is hard living with anyone once you have been out on your own and get used to being by yourself. You start to feel invaded sometimes at first and things as you know have to change. Not yourself as much as your living styles and how you do things, they will be different.

 

I would agree that getting some profesional help would be good for both of you before you make living arangements or even think about getting married. Nowadays before a pastor will marry you, they want to make sure you are ready. So they tell you to take marriage classes and all that. So this is the advice im giving you. If you dont think you are ready, dont go through with it untill you are. Even if you have to wait it out a couple more years.

 

I think that the reason you are feeling that way is when you and this guy get to living with eachother, somewhere down the road you will get hurt more then you will now before things get to heated. reasure yourself that everything takes time, and if you want it done right, take your time with it. Talk to him, and tell him how you feel. If he is a caring man, then he will abide by your feelings and not what he wants NOW. I hope that you get all your feelings the way they should be before you take any rational decisions, because if you hury, not only life will pass you by so they say, but things that would be more cherishable if you took them slow will not be so happy and the way you want them to go.

[FreeMe]

Thanks for your response -

 

We are already living together for about the last 7 months. Mostly the adjustment has been easy. I thought I would have a harder time with getting used to having to share space and all, but that was the easy part.

 

The emotional part is harder. Since that initial excitement wore off, I've felt kind of disappointed. I can still appreciate the little things we do, like making dinner, going up to bed together at night, but he tends to quickly take things for granted and acts like he's always had someone like me around.

 

I've been in a lot of bad relationships and sometimes moods that may be normal look like a warning sign to me. But I'm not always wrong - we did go through a couple of times when he was having doubts. Once he feels like he's not having doubts however, then he expects me to trust completely that if he's distant, it's not happening again. I don't really think that's fair and I can't help being worried when he seems distant. On the other hand, I know some of it is normal. He's not going to be affectionate all the time, and I'm not either.

[Lovebird]

Nothing is perfect. Obviously the "Honeymoon" stage is over. you are now in the real getting to know one another stage. Everyone needs space. Sounds like you have a hard time giving him enough. Just because he withdraws does not mean he doesn't want to be with you. You should take some time also. And I can' t stress enough the importance of communicating. That is how you develop trust - it has to be earned.

 

Couples counseling is also very helpful to guide both of you into better communication. Living together and all aspects of relationships is work! There is a constant negotiation and evaluation going on. Remember, you can't change anyone, only yourself. Try and examine what you can do to make things better and work on yourself. I hope you have started counseling. It will help.

 

Love is wonderful. Good luck to you.

[faith04]

[color=red][/color]

 

I understand just how you feel. I, myself, was once always by myself. The thing is, that you've been so used to being alone you were afraid to share your space and give up your freedom. Now, that you have someone there all the time, you've become accustomed to it. Just as you were when you were alone. I used to be so independant, now since I'm with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, and living together, I can't imagine changing it and being alone again. I've found that one special man I love very deeply, that I can't imagine life without him. I don't ever want to be without him. I love living with him. I want to marry this man someday.

While I truly feel this way about this one guy, the past year has been sort of tough. We've gotten "USED" to eachother. It's not like the first 3 months we were going out though. Things have simmered down since then. A lot of things change when you live with someone, you can't go back to your own apartment or house to get away. You have to share your space, you share everything. The most important thing is to remember that you love eahother. I know sometimes I feel uneasy and paranoid, I analyze everything from how he says goodbye in the morning to the face he makes when I ask him a simple question. It's ludacris! I often get paranoid, and with me, most of it has to do with how I feel about myself. I've gained 10 pounds since I've been with my boyfriend, and I've had trouble believing in my own mind that he's okay with that. Even though he still hugs and kisses on me like when we were first dating. Most of the paranoia and doubts come from within yourself. Unless he's sending mixed signals. Only you know that.

Talk to your boyfriend about it. I'd also suggest talking to a professional...you may have clinical depression and not know it. The important thing is that you're brave enough and smart enough to ask for help. The most important thing is you.....take care of you. If your boyfriend loves you, he'll be with you all the way. I've long struggled with self doubt and paranoia. I've grown so much in that aspect, because I know I have a man I can trust. I may get those crazy little voices, or suspicions in the back of my mind occasionally, but I ward them off by reminding myself that I'm a beautiful person and he loves me. If I'm having a very serious doubtful day, I'll go to my sweetie at the end of the day....give him a big hug and kiss, and say" I missed you so much today". The love comes back tenfold. He doesn't even have to say I missed you too. I just know in the way he hugs me back.

One thing I think may help......getting a better emotional bond with your man.

[Thinkalot]

Hey there. I totally understand where you are coming from, both on the being single, being easier, and also on the insecurity , fears etc. (well, you've read my stuff Freeme, so you know!). Really be diligent on working through YOUR issues. But yep, you need his understanding also, that is important. It can be hard for people to understand another's fears/insecurity though. Couples counselling helped us. It may help you too.

 

But dont lock yourself away from love because you are scared, or think you cant manage your issues. YOU CAN! Pls, maybe re-read some of my posts, because I have managed to come a long way, and it has been tough. I'm not all the way there, but getting better all the time. You can too...with or without your guys full understanding. Maybe try and understand how it is hard for him to see it from your perspective?

 

Good luck....

[FreeMe]

Thanks very much for your responses! They're all very helpful and hopeful.

 

Actually, last weekend I caused a bunch of arguments because I was on edge about things. Also, he's going through a divorce, which is a source of irritation. Partly why I was paranoid too. Anyway, found out this weekend that he was thinking of getting his own place. But he still wanted to be with me 90% of the time. Well, that doesn't sound exactly right to me. He basically wants to run away when he feels like it instead of talking through and working out arguments. He hasn't dealt well with problems. Every time there have been a couple of arguments he's ready to run. Also, if he's going to get his own place then he shouldn't be saying he's still going to be living with me. It's contradictory but that's what he was trying to tell me.

 

Anyway, we had a big fight about it - I feel like it's taking a step backwards in the relationship. It's less of a committment. Finally he said he'd only been thinking about it and then it dropped and the rest of the weekend he was back to normal. I'm not sure what he's thinking now. If he wants to get his own place then I think we should take a break for a couple of months.

[faith04]

My advice to you....DO take a break! He's not divorced yet, he probably needs that space, and you need not be involved. That just makes it harder. Going through a divorce while he's with you is going to be somewhat distracting and create negativity while he's ending one relationship with someone else and in one with you at the present. I think, in both of your best interests, that you should take a break until he gets his life and priorities straight. Moving in with someone is a big step. It's probably kind of difficult for him to just be getting a divorce and then move in with you right away. It would be like your married again after you just got a divorce. So many people get divorced these days I tell you. It's like marriage doesn't mean anything anymore....all it is to most people is a notarized piece of paper. I kind of like the idea of growing old with my man, while he'll still only be my BOYFRIEND. This marriage crap is getting ridiculous. Too much divorce. Just too much!

If I were you, and I know it's so hard, I'd give your man some space. Tell him you think it's best if you spent some time apart while he gets his life in order, and when he's ready to be with you, you can talk about it then. You never know you may figure out you don't even want to really be with him.....or, you might realize he is your soulmate. It also might make him realize what he has and appreciate you more.

If you need any more advice don't hesitate to ask. I'll be happy to oblige. Good luck!

[FreeMe]

Thank you Faith04,

 

I am considering that. I'm going to see how things go. If he does seem like he needs space I will probably suggest he get his own place. If it's a mutual decision that we need to take a step back then I don't see it as him running. Most of the time he doesn't seem to want space. If I leave the room he asks where I'm going. If I'm in another room for 10 minutes he'll come and ask me what I'm doing. We both probably need to force ourselves to do some things on our own. It will change soon - he has some sports things he does that start up soon and then when we're both busier in the warm weather doing things together I don't think we'll have the same problems. I think we've been cooped up in the house a lot.

 

Also, you mentioned in your earlier post clinical depression. I DO suffer from depression! for years - and guess what - I was off my medication last week so that may have contributed to the problem.

 

I know what you mean about marriage. I'm 38 and never been married - I've never thought that I would be able to stay with someone for 50 years. Now that I'm older, I feel like there's a much better chance of making it work.