how do you do it?

[Darth Vader]

not really, im the one who made the decision. but thanks for your input!

 

 

It's amazing how you just rewrote history in post #54!

 

Didn't you just post this below in post #52?

 

there were several issues involved in our deciding to D.

 

So how are you the one who made the decision to D, when you said that it was our deciding to D? I bolded part of the quote just to help you!

 

Then you flip floped again in post#57!

 

the papers were served by him but we made the decision together. it was mutual. we had both sought out legal support before any form of papers were served

 

So which is it? Either you made the decision to D, or you both did, or was it both at the same time? Unbelieveable!

 

 

i think every body said the same....since you couldn't get over OM your H chose to divorce you (kicked you to the curb...with out sugarcoating)...

 

U2, you ain't just whistling dixie my friend! She tried to slide on that one, did you notice that? Since it was mutual, he did kick her to the curb!

 

Whoa, I just sensed a tremor in the force! Bullcrap coming my way!

Edited June 29, 2010 by Darth Vader

[mybrowneyedgirl]

in my mind i made the decision to admit to him that i did in fact have feelings for the OM. i feel that by doing this i directly set the pieces in place for us to come to the mutual decison to divorce. neither of us kicked the other one to the curb.

 

it was only after the advice here that i came to the conclusion that it wasnt right to continue if i couldnt get my head and heart straight in a reasonable amount of time. if i was where i am today, the outcome of my marriage may have been different. if my husband was willing to seek counseling to help us through this things may have been different. but it was painfully obvious that whatever we were attempting to do on our own wasnt working. we didnt have the skills. i remain in IC but IC was only one half of the marriage. we werent working together.

 

i have lost it all. and i mean all. probably paid the price for this more than anyone else involved. i could list it all out, but im not here claiming "poor me." i do say "my poor children" but i have wonderful well adjusted boys that are in therapy, and i can say with all of my being that this situation is much better than the situation they were in while H and I were trying to unsuccessfully reconcile.

 

my xMM's marriage had troubles long before i came along. our A certainly sealed the deal for them, but i am confident that they would have had probably ended up the same had I not been the one involved in that particular affair with him. he had some close calls before me. i think he was headed in that direction. i took the bait.

 

so no one ditched anyone in this situation for anyone else. the ending of the marriages were very different for different reasons. its all been a long drawn out chain of events. no one has made any decisions lightly.

 

i am still in terrible pain. i am still suffering. im not flip flopping per se. this is real life, not a planned out structured event. life is filled with twists and turns and complicated issues. so call it flip-flopping if you want....these arent topics that have a strict one way or the other answer.

 

i am now in the place where healing for everyone has begun. new lives have started and the dust has begun to settle. its not there yet, but well on its way and i am simply trying to find the best path to take given the new situations.

 

i dont expect anything to be cut and dry from here on out. heck, life is never that way. you take chances, you pray for good results. but there are some people on this board who have lived this, achieved wonderful results and i feel i can benefit from their advice. thats why im here. not for the other BS.

 

thanks to those who have graciously offered their own personal stories, thoughts and experiences.

[White Flower]

the problem here is her husband didn't have much to analyse or decide , as she made the decison not to leave the OM & preferred leaving her husband & breaking her faimly .

So definitely she wins , her husband & kids lose .

Mmmm, sometimes H and kids win after a D. Mine certainly did as well as I. Sometimes splitting up a family makes a happier family. Just sayin'.

[sadintexas]

why do you think they have all lost ? Her husband lost obviously because his wife chose other man over him & now he & his kids will have to go through all the hassles of D , but she's won because she finally gets to be with the man she loves .

makes sense ?

 

Go back and read her post. She's not even WITH this other man. She's had no contact and is torn whether or not they could even have something IF she decided it might be plausible. See, their relationship was also damaged and fraught with lies. If you think she's sailing through this and her life is all sunshine and rainbows, I'm afraid you're very mistaken. All you need to do is read her posts to see that she is definitely not unscathed. So before you take that "it's so simple" attitude, perhaps you should read her OP again.

[MizFit]

Mizfit , I think your observations aren't really correct here . And I notice you are portraying her situation with an added twist only to make her look like a victim . I dont think that will help her either .

 

She said she didn't work on her M because she wanted to be with OM , her marriage was not too gone or her husband hasn't done something to make it too gone , she had chosen her OM over her husband & marriage .

. There is nothing like paying a price or any thing like self inflicted , it is just she decided to keep her OM & drop the husband , it is like a simple exchange .

So you can see she hasn't lost anything , she willingly got rid of them & just because of that she finally can be with her lover . Is it not clear ?

I can see in this whole game, only her husband is the one who sufferred but you dont seem to be able to see that .

 

I am not saying what she has done is right or wrong , I am just stating the facts .

 

 

 

 

Best of luck

 

How can you say I portrayed her as a victim? Re-read the post...do some research into her story. She did wrong...tried to make it as right as she could...recognized she couldn't and did what was right then.

 

Her husband had a wife who cheated on him and tore his family apart. She came to terms with that and she tried to make it right, but it was too far gone so they ended it. I am not saying she is a victim and I am not saying it wasn't self inflicted...I am saying she has done as much right as she could have done once she started coming in here and talking and listening and healing. 90% of the damage was done by then...she tried to do right. In your eyes it evidently would have been better for her to keep stringing along her H indefinitely.

 

SHE IS NOT WITH XMM...is that not clear to you?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i guess the moral of the story here is you should stay in a M whether you are totally in love with that person or not. you should stay simply to avoid causing your children to make adjustments. you should gaslight another person and hide your true feelings. you should keep things going as long as you can just for sake of doing so.

 

wow. all of this really is so simple. im not sure why there are so many people here or why there is a reason for any of us to post. now that there are answers we really dont have a need for LS at all do we?

 

lesson learned people: dont ever follow your heart, dont ever tell the truth and dont ever consider your options. stay M and if you make foolish decisions you should be punished for the rest of your life and are never entitled to be happy again.

 

wow. this seems so clear. why didnt i see this so easily myself?

 

oh yes. and i am a victim. so anyone wishing to send donations, please PM me. i need some charity because of my affair. afterall, i am not responsible. it just happened. i was sucked into it and brainwashed to believe the sex was better than any i had before.

 

please dont give me your opinions. our situation IS different from everyone elses. no one understands because my MM is different and if i keep doing the same thing again and again eventually i will achieve different results. dont hate on me and stop comparing me to your OWN situation.

 

ps....xMM and I are back at it and I'm happy to give the update! we are both living lies, married to our spouses and are secretly emailing, texting and calling behind their backs! we have hot sex in our spouses beds and even attend our childrens sporting events undercover! even after 7 ddays! at the end of each month i will be sending his wife an anonymous letter letting her know that i am causing her pain each day that she is unaware of. somehow she must be to blame for all of this. we are doing our best at NC each day from 3-5pm. all other hours we will be continuing the affair and i will post daily to inform you of our updates and seek advice over and over as to why things dont seem to be working out.

 

and please, dont flame me. i only want constructive advice. so if you dont agree with me, please dont respond!

 

***sorry for the sarcasm, its frustrating to ask serious advice only to have others pick out posts to try and disprove your own personal account of your own situation!

[Chrome Barracuda]

I dont know why your getting so bent out of shape...

 

You chose to have sex with MM, you chose to bring him into your life, You CHOSE this. no one put a gun to your head.

 

You didnt want to leave the OM, so you held on to even the ghost of him, because knowing full and well if you stayed you would have to be 100% in.

 

Even now you contemplate a relationship. (LOL) with Xmm. Even now!!!

 

Listen, your single, Find a SINGLE man with a good track record to be with.

 

From day one you've been infatuated with this man who you destroyed your whole life for, the destruction that you have chosen.

 

While everyone is moving on in their perspective lives your still stuck in the same place.

 

I want to know how has your ex fared, has he got any new girlfriends? introduced them to the kids. because after all you done he deserves some happiness.

 

You didnt want your marriage, you didnt fight for it, you never went back to your husband with the intention of working it out, you said so yourself.

 

You resigned to the fact that you couldnt or would not give up the XMM, in anyway shape or form...

 

But that's your problem...

 

Have you been to an IC to correct yourself to figure out why you was obessesing about this man who was so self destructive in his own marriage.

 

How could you ever trust him if trust is the basis of a relationship? WTF is you thinking.

 

Again. you did it to yourself you know. Dont be defensive it is what it is...

 

Focus on getting yourself better. ERASE the XMM!!! completely!!!!

 

Find A SINGLE MAN!!!

[awkward]

i guess the moral of the story here is you should stay in a M whether you are totally in love with that person or not. you should stay simply to avoid causing your children to make adjustments. you should gaslight another person and hide your true feelings. you should keep things going as long as you can just for sake of doing so.

 

I think the moral of the story here is that you leave the marriage before getting involved in another relationship. Less pain and drama for everyone including the children. But you aren't there so you need to focus on now.

 

You are much stronger than when you had your ending and are making progress. Please don't open the door to MM until you are absolutely sure that you are ready regardless of his situation.

 

 

wow. all of this really is so simple. im not sure why there are so many people here or why there is a reason for any of us to post. now that there are answers we really dont have a need for LS at all do we?

 

lesson learned people: dont ever follow your heart, dont ever tell the truth and dont ever consider your options. stay M and if you make foolish decisions you should be punished for the rest of your life and are never entitled to be happy again.

 

wow. this seems so clear. why didnt i see this so easily myself?

 

oh yes. and i am a victim. so anyone wishing to send donations, please PM me. i need some charity because of my affair. afterall, i am not responsible. it just happened. i was sucked into it and brainwashed to believe the sex was better than any i had before.

 

please dont give me your opinions. our situation IS different from everyone elses. no one understands because my MM is different and if i keep doing the same thing again and again eventually i will achieve different results. dont hate on me and stop comparing me to your OWN situation.

 

ps....xMM and I are back at it and I'm happy to give the update! we are both living lies, married to our spouses and are secretly emailing, texting and calling behind their backs! we have hot sex in our spouses beds and even attend our childrens sporting events undercover! even after 7 ddays! at the end of each month i will be sending his wife an anonymous letter letting her know that i am causing her pain each day that she is unaware of. somehow she must be to blame for all of this. we are doing our best at NC each day from 3-5pm. all other hours we will be continuing the affair and i will post daily to inform you of our updates and seek advice over and over as to why things dont seem to be working out.

 

and please, dont flame me. i only want constructive advice. so if you dont agree with me, please dont respond!

 

***sorry for the sarcasm, its frustrating to ask serious advice only to have others pick out posts to try and disprove your own personal account of your own situation!

 

Take what you need and leave the rest. Use your ignore button if someone's opinion is really bothering you.

[sadintexas]

We need to remember that this is a SUPPORT forum. This specific section is for OW/OM. I don't believe in sugar coating things, but our comments should be constructive and aimed to bring clarity and support.

 

No one's suggesting she should be patted on the back (herself included) but I don't see how beating her up for choices she's already made, the fallout of which she deals with on a daily basis, is beneficial to anyone here.

[White Flower]

i guess the moral of the story here is you should stay in a M whether you are totally in love with that person or not. you should stay simply to avoid causing your children to make adjustments. you should gaslight another person and hide your true feelings. you should keep things going as long as you can just for sake of doing so.

 

wow. all of this really is so simple. im not sure why there are so many people here or why there is a reason for any of us to post. now that there are answers we really dont have a need for LS at all do we?

 

lesson learned people: dont ever follow your heart, dont ever tell the truth and dont ever consider your options. stay M and if you make foolish decisions you should be punished for the rest of your life and are never entitled to be happy again.

 

wow. this seems so clear. why didnt i see this so easily myself?

 

oh yes. and i am a victim. so anyone wishing to send donations, please PM me. i need some charity because of my affair. afterall, i am not responsible. it just happened. i was sucked into it and brainwashed to believe the sex was better than any i had before.

 

please dont give me your opinions. our situation IS different from everyone elses. no one understands because my MM is different and if i keep doing the same thing again and again eventually i will achieve different results. dont hate on me and stop comparing me to your OWN situation.

 

ps....xMM and I are back at it and I'm happy to give the update! we are both living lies, married to our spouses and are secretly emailing, texting and calling behind their backs! we have hot sex in our spouses beds and even attend our childrens sporting events undercover! even after 7 ddays! at the end of each month i will be sending his wife an anonymous letter letting her know that i am causing her pain each day that she is unaware of. somehow she must be to blame for all of this. we are doing our best at NC each day from 3-5pm. all other hours we will be continuing the affair and i will post daily to inform you of our updates and seek advice over and over as to why things dont seem to be working out.

 

and please, dont flame me. i only want constructive advice. so if you dont agree with me, please dont respond!

 

***sorry for the sarcasm, its frustrating to ask serious advice only to have others pick out posts to try and disprove your own personal account of your own situation!

Ha ha ha! I LOVE the sarcasm, it's about time!!!

 

 

OMG, will you all just stop it??? MBEG has every right to sort out her feelings and move on. She is not gaslighting her H, she dealt honestly with the situation. How many YEARS she saved him by doing that! Now he can move on and find someone else to truly love him.

 

Why do you posters always see the negative???

 

MBEG, put them on ignore so you can get the responses that you NEED in order to move on from this. They are only going to be stumbling blocks because they get off on it so much.

[bestplayer]

How can you say I portrayed her as a victim? Re-read the post...do some research into her story. She did wrong...tried to make it as right as she could...recognized she couldn't and did what was right then.

 

Her husband had a wife who cheated on him and tore his family apart. She came to terms with that and she tried to make it right, but it was too far gone so they ended it. I am not saying she is a victim and I am not saying it wasn't self inflicted...I am saying she has done as much right as she could have done once she started coming in here and talking and listening and healing. 90% of the damage was done by then...she tried to do right. In your eyes it evidently would have been better for her to keep stringing along her H indefinitely.

 

SHE IS NOT WITH XMM...is that not clear to you?

 

No I am not saying it was better to keep the husband stringing along , not at all , because in that case she wouldn't have got the chance to be with the OM .

 

90% of the damage was done by then...she tried to do right...

and the right thing was to be available for the OM after dumping her husband ?

[bestplayer]

Go back and read her post. She's not even WITH this other man. She's had no contact and is torn whether or not they could even have something IF she decided it might be plausible. See, their relationship was also damaged and fraught with lies. If you think she's sailing through this and her life is all sunshine and rainbows, I'm afraid you're very mistaken. All you need to do is read her posts to see that she is definitely not unscathed. So before you take that "it's so simple" attitude, perhaps you should read her OP again.

I read her post & that is why I am saying , the reason for leaving her husband is OM , so you will be naive to believe that she isn't going to be with the OM . Might take a couple of weeks or so .

I am not mistaken , fortunately her life is all sunshine and rainbows now because she got rid of husband that was the hurdle between her & the OM . Isn't that exactly what she did ? Is that not obvious to you ?

Edited June 29, 2010 by bestplayer

[mybrowneyedgirl]

to me my situation is no different than any man who goes back to his M to try to make it work.

 

you pick your M. you put in an effort. either it works or it doesnt. not everything can be saved. in our situation our efforts were unsuccessful. we were both to blame for that.

 

but in my situation i did this without OM in the picture. yes, i still carried feelings for him. but no it was not the driving reason for letting things go with H. it was the damage caused by the affair and the effects afterwards that was the ultimate reason for the split.

 

so in my situation i can say we tried. and tried damn hard. and the marriage ended. so really im doing what everyone tells all of these women on here to do.

 

give your man the time to work on his marriage. if he one day comes back to you free and clear and realizes you were the one, then give him a shot.

 

i've done my half of the work. my issue is now deciding whether or not he has done his.

[jthorne]

 

i've done my half of the work. my issue is now deciding whether or not he has done his.

How can you do that when you haven't even read the emails, yet you hang onto them? You're still in limbo, waiting for someone else to take control over your life, and make your decisions for you. If you had made the decision to move on, you'd have deleted the emails unread. If you'd decided on a future with they guy, you would have at least read the emails. Yet, you hold onto them, unread. What's up with that? Either read them, or delete them. How do you know they don't say that he's moving on with his life, you move on with yours, best of luck?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i did read the emails in the beginning but didnt respond. they did seem to say the right things. but a few months ago when they started i was no where near interested or comfortable enough with any of this to re-involve myself.

 

but...reading the emails brought back a lot of emotions for me. they made me have those feelings again that i worked so hard to get rid of. those intense in the moment feelings. without the contact i just sort of have this calm, managable, genuine love for the times we shared type feeling. not the obsessive, daily cant stop thinking about him stuff. so when reading the emails started to bring those feelings back, i just didnt open them anymore.

 

and then thats when i posted here....because i am contemplating. im not in a place YET (if i ever will be) that i want to start things up now. just maybe one day somewere down the road if we are both in the right place at the right time.

 

so i sort of feel like i would like to let him know that. but to do that i need to contact him. and then if i contact him and let him know that i surely will be unwilling not to know his response. and then it has the potential to snowball all over again.

 

so im reading the posts and advice from all of you to try and get a good idea of the different possible outcomes and how i should handle it all.

[lolapalooza]

Wow. I just went back and read some of your old threads. Went back to January-February when you couldn't get out of bed for crying. Why would you even consider any contact with that guy after all he put you through? Does this guy have something exceptional to offer that I can't see?

 

I'm sure you know your own history, but if you went back and re-read your threads, you'd have your answer.

[jennie-jennie]

MBEG, you are doing good. I too am worried though, like some of the other posters above, that if you don't tell your MM that he still might be an option for you in the future, it could some day be too late. He might get so hurt he will close his heart for you.

 

Perhaps you could send him an email and tell what you have been saying here:

 

i did read the emails in the beginning but didnt respond. they did seem to say the right things. but a few months ago when they started i was no where near interested or comfortable enough with any of this to re-involve myself.

 

but...reading the emails brought back a lot of emotions for me. they made me have those feelings again that i worked so hard to get rid of. those intense in the moment feelings. without the contact i just sort of have this calm, managable, genuine love for the times we shared type feeling. not the obsessive, daily cant stop thinking about him stuff. so when reading the emails started to bring those feelings back, i just didnt open them anymore.

 

and then thats when i posted here....because i am contemplating. im not in a place YET (if i ever will be) that i want to start things up now. just maybe one day somewere down the road if we are both in the right place at the right time.

 

so i sort of feel like i would like to let him know that. but to do that i need to contact him. and then if i contact him and let him know that i surely will be unwilling not to know his response. and then it has the potential to snowball all over again.

 

so im reading the posts and advice from all of you to try and get a good idea of the different possible outcomes and how i should handle it all.

 

In that way you would be honest with him and be telling him exactly what is going on with you.

 

Good luck, MBEG. You have struggled so hard. I wish you the best.

[sadintexas]

ok what needs to be healed an arm that is cut or the knife ? or both ?

 

Considering the knife in an INANIMATE object, of course it doesn't need to be healed. It also makes your analogy pointless as it doesn't relate to the interactions between two human beings. MBEG is a living, breathing, feeling human being who is also suffering from the consequences of her actions.

 

If you wanted to be more accurate with your analogy it would be the person who is cut or the one who did the cutting. The knife can never hurt anyone on its own. It is the person that gives it energy that can do damage with it. And yes, both people in this instance need help and healing.

[Fallen Angel]

MBEG,

 

You know where I stand on this issue. i just wanted to say that I hope you are taking all the advice you are recieving with a grain of salt, my dear.

 

The same people who are telling you now to STAY NC FOREVER, are the same people who months ago told you to "Go NC until you and MM have both figured out what you want. ((YOU BOTH DID THAT!!)) Once you have both made honest attempts to work on your marriages and have come to the conclusion that you must divorce (YOU HAVE BOTH DONE THAT!!) then and only then should you reconnect and explore the possibility of a future between you and MM." ((GO BACK AND READ YOUR OLD THREADS AND SEE WHAT I SAY IS THE TRUTH!!))

 

Yet, oddly enough, now that you have done exactly that, the message from these people wanting to "help" you changes to "STAY NC FOREVER!!" UGH!! Take it all in, but know that there are people who will advise you to do whatever will permanently destroy your relationship with your MM. They are determined to do whatever is in their power to make sure that there are no more three percenters here on this board. They will advise you with what appear to be the kindest of intentions, I just want you to know that not all of them have pure intentions when they post here.

 

You do what will make you happy and tell anyone who doesn't like it that I have a kite they can go fly!!!

 

((hugs to you))

[GreenEyedLady]

MBEG,

 

You know where I stand on this issue. i just wanted to say that I hope you are taking all the advice you are recieving with a grain of salt, my dear.

 

The same people who are telling you now to STAY NC FOREVER, are the same people who months ago told you to "Go NC until you and MM have both figured out what you want. ((YOU BOTH DID THAT!!)) Once you have both made honest attempts to work on your marriages and have come to the conclusion that you must divorce (YOU HAVE BOTH DONE THAT!!) then and only then should you reconnect and explore the possibility of a future between you and MM." ((GO BACK AND READ YOUR OLD THREADS AND SEE WHAT I SAY IS THE TRUTH!!))

 

Yet, oddly enough, now that you have done exactly that, the message from these people wanting to "help" you changes to "STAY NC FOREVER!!" UGH!! Take it all in, but know that there are people who will advise you to do whatever will permanently destroy your relationship with your MM. They are determined to do whatever is in their power to make sure that there are no more three percenters here on this board. They will advise you with what appear to be the kindest of intentions, I just want you to know that not all of them have pure intentions when they post here.

 

You do what will make you happy and tell anyone who doesn't like it that I have a kite they can go fly!!!

 

((hugs to you))

 

I agree with you and JJ.

 

If you love someone, be honest for once. There's so much deceit in A's, don't lie to the one you really love. And don't make them feel like they are nothing to you.

 

GEL

[lolapalooza]

I agree with you and JJ.

 

If you love someone, be honest for once. There's so much deceit in A's, don't lie to the one you really love. And don't make them feel like they are nothing to you.

 

GEL

Like he did her when he threw her under the bus?

[GreenEyedLady]

Like he did her when he threw her under the bus?

 

We are responsible for ourselves. The OP stated that she has kept her heart open, yet does not let him know the information, and keeps rejecting him.

 

How is it any different from when a man leaves his W then goes back? She must find it in her heart to either forgive and move forward to try to build something better or not. The OP has the same choice.

 

So just stop and let the OP make a decision that is good for her, whether or not you agree with it. Love is a choice and a gift at the same time. Stop trying to influence the OP by being mean. She knows what has happened in the R. It is up to her to decide if it is salvageable or best left alone.

 

GEL

[wheelwright]

i guess the moral of the story here is you should stay in a M whether you are totally in love with that person or not. you should stay simply to avoid causing your children to make adjustments. you should gaslight another person and hide your true feelings. you should keep things going as long as you can just for sake of doing so.

 

wow. all of this really is so simple. im not sure why there are so many people here or why there is a reason for any of us to post. now that there are answers we really dont have a need for LS at all do we?

 

lesson learned people: dont ever follow your heart, dont ever tell the truth and dont ever consider your options. stay M and if you make foolish decisions you should be punished for the rest of your life and are never entitled to be happy again.

 

wow. this seems so clear. why didnt i see this so easily myself?

 

oh yes. and i am a victim. so anyone wishing to send donations, please PM me. i need some charity because of my affair. afterall, i am not responsible. it just happened. i was sucked into it and brainwashed to believe the sex was better than any i had before.

 

please dont give me your opinions. our situation IS different from everyone elses. no one understands because my MM is different and if i keep doing the same thing again and again eventually i will achieve different results. dont hate on me and stop comparing me to your OWN situation.

 

ps....xMM and I are back at it and I'm happy to give the update! we are both living lies, married to our spouses and are secretly emailing, texting and calling behind their backs! we have hot sex in our spouses beds and even attend our childrens sporting events undercover! even after 7 ddays! at the end of each month i will be sending his wife an anonymous letter letting her know that i am causing her pain each day that she is unaware of. somehow she must be to blame for all of this. we are doing our best at NC each day from 3-5pm. all other hours we will be continuing the affair and i will post daily to inform you of our updates and seek advice over and over as to why things dont seem to be working out.

 

and please, dont flame me. i only want constructive advice. so if you dont agree with me, please dont respond!

 

***sorry for the sarcasm, its frustrating to ask serious advice only to have others pick out posts to try and disprove your own personal account of your own situation!

 

The funniest most wonderful sarcasm I've ever read.