bestplayer Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 Every story is different BP. Some men do the opposite of what you say as well as some women. I was speaking in generalities and not pointing fingers at anyone. So, in general, although keeping a happy and loving family together IS an achievement who says all couples are happy and loving? Further, I don't think anyone, women included, take risks on crushes. They take risks on the love of their life. They do the costs/benefits analysis like any smart business person. Even then, the best of entrepreneurs lose sometimes. well wf I was also talking in general , only that women tend to risk their happy faimly life for new found partner much more than men do . So, in general, although keeping a happy and loving family together IS an achievement who says all couples are happy and loving? I am talking about those couples who are happy & loving but after one partner finds someone new he/she starts finding their relationship unbearable hence feels entitled to leave it rather than keeping it together . Link to post Share on other sites
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted June 28, 2010 Author Share Posted June 28, 2010 wow. thanks for the responses. still trying to read all of them. my H. he didnt kick me to the curb. there were several issues involved in our deciding to D. a major one was my inability to get over xmm. he also refused counseling and became angry and abusive without the proper tools to help him deal with the hurt and betrayal that i caused him during my A. because i could not let go of MM it was simply unfair to keep him hanging on, i had to let him go to allow him to find someone to love him and treat him right. i realize how selfish i was during my A and it wasnt right not to acknowlege this, especially when i knew in my heart i still loved another man. xMM. his wife kicked him to the curb after he was unable to put forth the proper effort in his M and after telling her that he was still in love with me. i learned this from her best friend. but they are not D. and i am not close enough to the situation to know if he would go back if she would take him. so after being thrown under the bus i simply cannot trust that he wont hurt me again. i need to know in my heart it is over for them, not just because she kicked him out. i still love him deeply and months of NC have not changed that. im not sure if i could place my heart in his hands like i once could. during the A i was certain he would never hurt me. he proved me wrong. i am willing to a R if under the right circumstances. i posted here because although i want to remain NC until things are properly in place, i also am fearful he will take my lack of response as being uninterested. i am still available, the time is not right yet. I remain NC because i have to, not because i want to. because any form of contact with him brings back every bit of the feelings that i have for him. it becomes painful and sucks me back in. i dont want to be NC, but its the only way i can make it through the days and make the hurt not so strong. i havent talked to him in months, but still my feelings for him havent faded one bit. the NC makes me able to cope. and thats why i choose to stay that way. hope this offers some insight. BEG Link to post Share on other sites
U2RockZz Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 i think every body said the same....since you couldn't get over OM your H chose to divorce you (kicked you to the curb...with out sugarcoating)... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted June 28, 2010 Author Share Posted June 28, 2010 not really, im the one who made the decision. but thanks for your input! Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 I am talking about those couples who are happy & loving but after one partner finds someone new he/she starts finding their relationship unbearable hence feels entitled to leave it rather than keeping it together . Okay, apart from your feelings on MBEGs case, I have a hard time buying that most women involved in a happy and loving R would even look for someone new; it just doesn't make sense. I'm pretty sure, in general, that most WW look for a new love interest when their R is NOT happy and loving. If they are happy, and in a loving R, why would they wander? The situation already sounds complete and wonderful to me. Link to post Share on other sites
U2RockZz Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 not really, im the one who made the decision. but thanks for your input! who is the one served you...??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted June 28, 2010 Author Share Posted June 28, 2010 the papers were served by him but we made the decision together. it was mutual. we had both sought out legal support before any form of papers were served Link to post Share on other sites
U2RockZz Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 ok, fine whatever self serving reasons.....i agree that you are the kicked your H to the curb cuz you can't get over your OM... Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 What purpose does that serve? Even IF it's true? There are many reasons to D, being in love with another man just one of them. I'm sure MBEG did the cost/benefit analysis before making that decision and so did her H. Bashing her for her choices is a moot point. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 What purpose does that serve? Even IF it's true? There are many reasons to D, being in love with another man just one of them. I'm sure MBEG did the cost/benefit analysis before making that decision and so did her H. Bashing her for her choices is a moot point. Some people have no purpose in posting, unless it's to bash or be nasty or serve out their own warped sense of "tough love". I tend to think people like that are working out their own anger issues. I find it strange that most of the people who do this, never discuss their own issues, it's only about lashing out. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 some people Have no purpose in posting, unless it's to bash or be nasty or serve out their own warped sense of "tough love". I tend to think people like that are working out their own anger issues. I find it strange that most of the people who do this, never discuss their own issues, it's only about lashing out. Absolutely. Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 MBEG, I think you have answered most of your own questions. Yes, you should remain NC until AFTER he is divorced, and AFTER both of you have had enough healing, to make any further contact,not about your past affair, but about a possible NEW relationship. Right now, IMO, any contact between you would be toxic, and would actually retard any healing and personal growth issues, you might be undertaking. Good luck , anyways, I'm pulling for you.!!!!!:) Link to post Share on other sites
U2RockZz Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 What purpose does that serve? Even IF it's true? There are many reasons to D, being in love with another man just one of them. I'm sure MBEG did the cost/benefit analysis before making that decision and so did her H. Bashing her for her choices is a moot point. it's not about cost/benefit analysis, i am sure she might have done all those things(when there are no options available)......but who did the kicking is the question....if it is him,ok....if it is her more than fine....though her previous threads say otherwise.... anyways who is doing the bashing here....i never said she should have stayed with her H,which she didn't (that was her first and last favor to her exH in her entire M,i guess). i always say two cheaters deserve each other... Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 i think every body said the same....since you couldn't get over OM your H chose to divorce you (kicked you to the curb...with out sugarcoating)... So I was right , as she didn't want to let go of MM , she rather decided to dump her husband . Doesn't matter who files . It was still her decison not to leave the OM . Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 What purpose does that serve? Even IF it's true? There are many reasons to D, being in love with another man just one of them. I'm sure MBEG did the cost/benefit analysis before making that decision and so did her H. Bashing her for her choices is a moot point. the problem here is her husband didn't have much to analyse or decide , as she made the decison not to leave the OM & preferred leaving her husband & breaking her faimly . So definitely she wins , her husband & kids lose . Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 MBEG, I think you have answered most of your own questions. Yes, you should remain NC until AFTER he is divorced, and AFTER both of you have had enough healing, to make any further contact,not about your past affair, but about a possible NEW relationship. Right now, IMO, any contact between you would be toxic, and would actually retard any healing and personal growth issues, you might be undertaking. Good luck , anyways, I'm pulling for you.!!!!!:) I think I need to ask this . who needs healing ? the one who is the betrayer or the one who is betrayed ? Link to post Share on other sites
sadintexas Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 I think I need to ask this . who needs healing ? the one who is the betrayer or the one who is betrayed ? They both do. Link to post Share on other sites
sadintexas Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 the problem here is her husband didn't have much to analyse or decide , as she made the decison not to leave the OM & preferred leaving her husband & breaking her faimly . So definitely she wins , her husband & kids lose . While you're correct in that the H didn't have the option of making any decisions or having any input when it came to her having an A, it is definitely not a situation where they've lost and she's won. They've all lost and they will hopefully come out of it on the otherside better for it. Link to post Share on other sites
U2RockZz Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 They both do. see seems to be already healed(if there was any need)...and ready to have a R with the OM....her question was not about how to heal, it's how to catch/keep the OM once again....????which i didn't really understand...do what you did for the first time Link to post Share on other sites
MizFit Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 ok, fine whatever self serving reasons.....i agree that you are the kicked your H to the curb cuz you can't get over your OM... I know someone has already called you on this post, but I am amazed...we have a woman here who had A and did as much wrong as could be done. She came in and bared her soul to this forum day after day...she listened and she learned. She has always said clearly her love for her OM...her posts have always reflected her conflict between loving her MOM and staying with her H. She hasn't sugar coated things and once she saw the damage being done she did everything as well and as correctly as she could have. I think it's an absolute testament that she still loves her OM and is still looking for something...there is carnage all around her. Both families suffered. She cheated and paid the price. He cheated and paid the price. With all of that in their wake I would like to see something good rise up. MBEG...your journey has been amazing to watch and your pain was almost tangible some days. There have been two posters here who have touched me in an amazing way-you and frozensprouts. I am so sorry for what this has all turned into...I am sorry for your kids and your stbxh...I am sorry for your MOM and his family. I will be completely honest and tell you that my thoughts are if you still love him...do not stay totally NC with him. I think the same way as GEL does...if and when he makes the choice and he's walked away you should be there for him and you should lean on him when you're secure to do so as well. Any signs of flipflopping and get out like a shot...maybe start LC...maybe not...I don't know. Define the relationship you want and let him know that's what is acceptable...protect your heart...spend a lifetime making this up to your kids by showing them a happy mother, whether it's with him or not. Keep us posted and take care. Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 While you're correct in that the H didn't have the option of making any decisions or having any input when it came to her having an A, it is definitely not a situation where they've lost and she's won. They've all lost and they will hopefully come out of it on the otherside better for it. why do you think they have all lost ? Her husband lost obviously because his wife chose other man over him & now he & his kids will have to go through all the hassles of D , but she's won because she finally gets to be with the man she loves . makes sense ? Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 I know someone has already called you on this post, but I am amazed...we have a woman here who had A and did as much wrong as could be done. She came in and bared her soul to this forum day after day...she listened and she learned. She has always said clearly her love for her OM...her posts have always reflected her conflict between loving her MOM and staying with her H. She hasn't sugar coated things and once she saw the damage being done she did everything as well and as correctly as she could have. I think it's an absolute testament that she still loves her OM and is still looking for something...there is carnage all around her. Both families suffered. She cheated and paid the price. He cheated and paid the price. With all of that in their wake I would like to see something good rise up. MBEG...your journey has been amazing to watch and your pain was almost tangible some days. There have been two posters here who have touched me in an amazing way-you and frozensprouts. I am so sorry for what this has all turned into...I am sorry for your kids and your stbxh...I am sorry for your MOM and his family. I will be completely honest and tell you that my thoughts are if you still love him...do not stay totally NC with him. I think the same way as GEL does...if and when he makes the choice and he's walked away you should be there for him and you should lean on him when you're secure to do so as well. Any signs of flipflopping and get out like a shot...maybe start LC...maybe not...I don't know. Define the relationship you want and let him know that's what is acceptable...protect your heart...spend a lifetime making this up to your kids by showing them a happy mother, whether it's with him or not. Keep us posted and take care. Mizfit , fortunately she didn't have to pay the price after she cheated , it is her husband who did because she finally chose the OM over her husband . Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 They both do. ok what needs to be healed an arm that is cut or the knife ? or both ? Link to post Share on other sites
MizFit Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 Mizfit , fortunately she didn't have to pay the price after she cheated , it is her husband who did because she finally chose the OM over her husband . And it could have been a steeper price...she tried to work on her M and when she realized it was too far gone she, and he, ended it. Instead of continuing the lie and staying because it was the easiest thing to do she, or they, ended it and moved on. It could have dragged on for years, but it didn't. Please don't say she didn't have to pay a price...she lost everything. She did something she can never take back. She made a mistake that rocked people and she is a decent woman...she knows very well what her actions have caused. Don't you dare say she hasn't paid the price. I will agree it was self inflicted, but she has paid a price for what happened. I'm only going from observation MBEG...I apologize if I'm overstepping what I've said-it's just from what I've read of your story. Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 (edited) And it could have been a steeper price...she tried to work on her M and when she realized it was too far gone she, and he, ended it. Instead of continuing the lie and staying because it was the easiest thing to do she, or they, ended it and moved on. It could have dragged on for years, but it didn't. Please don't say she didn't have to pay a price...she lost everything. She did something she can never take back. She made a mistake that rocked people and she is a decent woman...she knows very well what her actions have caused. Don't you dare say she hasn't paid the price. I will agree it was self inflicted, but she has paid a price for what happened. I'm only going from observation MBEG...I apologize if I'm overstepping what I've said-it's just from what I've read of your story. Mizfit , I think your observations aren't really correct here . And I notice you are portraying her situation with an added twist only to make her look like a victim . I dont think that will help her either . She said she didn't work on her M because she wanted to be with OM , her marriage was not too gone or her husband hasn't done something to make it too gone , she had chosen her OM over her husband & marriage . . There is nothing like paying a price or any thing like self inflicted , it is just she decided to keep her OM & drop the husband , it is like a simple exchange . So you can see she hasn't lost anything , she willingly got rid of them & just because of that she finally can be with her lover . Is it not clear ? I can see in this whole game, only her husband is the one who sufferred but you dont seem to be able to see that . I am not saying what she has done is right or wrong , I am just stating the facts . Best of luck Edited June 28, 2010 by bestplayer Link to post Share on other sites
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