How Women Sabotage Relationships (Men's perspective)

[trippi1432]

I came across some reading on the book Boot Camp for the Broken-Hearted by Audrey Valeriani. I thought it was very eye-opening and will make an interesting discussion.

 

Twelve Things Women Do To Sabotage Relationships

(According to Men)

 

 

1. Giving up their passions
   
2. Too soon ask "where is this going"
   
3. Think they can, and try to change him
   
4. Put down his friends
   
5. Become clingy
   
6. Become too compliant
   
7. Live only for the future
   
8. Insist their man meet all the criteria of their "perfect man" list
   
9. Sleep with him too soon
   
10. Over romanticize the relationship
    
11. Do too much for him
    
12. Expect too much, then give up to soon
    

Opening discussions now.....:o:o

[imagine]

 

 

1. Giving up their passions. I couldn't keep up with her.
   
2. Too soon ask "where is this going" Could never be without my company.
   
3. Think they can, and try to change him. Claimed I was someone else.
   
4. Put down his friends. Check.
   
5. Become clingy. Check point 2.
   
6. Become too compliant. At first. This changed.
   
7. Live only for the future. Lives in the present, hopes the future will sort itself out.
   
8. Insist their man meet all the criteria of their "perfect man" list. The "some else" she first met was perfect.
   
9. Sleep with him too soon. Confidential.
   
10. Over romanticize the relationship. I'm a romantic!
    
11. Do too much for him. The wrong stuff.
    
12. Expect too much, then give up to soon. She has not given up though sometimes she wishes that she did.
    

Opening discussions now.....:o:o

 

I cannot disrespect someone who will kill for me...

[norajane]

I can certainly see how some of those actions can lead to a failed relationship, but some of them annoy me.

 

Too soon ask "where is this going"

What is too soon? Why is it wrong to want to understand how a guy views the relationship, and tell him what you think, so both are on the same page?

 

They say people know right away whether the person they've started dating is someone they see as a long term thing or just a fling. Why are men so paranoid to be asked what they think? Is it because they know she won't stick around if they are honest with their answer?

 

I think too many women stay in limbo for too long and then are heart-broken when they find out he's dating other people because he didn't intend for things to be exclusive, only sees her as a "temporary" relationship but has no intent of anything long-term.

 

Sleep with him too soon

And men have no responsibility of self-control in this decision? They don't want to have sex sooner rather than later? It's all her fault sex happens too soon?

 

What is too soon? If they have sex on the first couple of dates, that's not a relationship. So if the guy is going to judge her for having sex too soon, and that will ultimately cause the relationship to fail, why do they continue to date her after the first time if it's too soon?

 

Frankly, I think men sabotage themselves in this regard, if they insist on judging women who are free with their sexuality. That could be why they end up in sexless marriages, if they are so judgmental about the women who actually like having sex with them and are into it.

 

Do too much for him

If it's one-sided and he's not doing much for her, then I get it. But otherwise? Really, it's so terrible for a man to be treated well by the woman in his life? What is too much? Cutting his meat for him, yes. Being kind and loving and generous...is that too much for men to handle? They want to have to beg for attention and care?

 

Expect too much, then give up to soon

Is this man-code for getting dumped because she's not getting much out of the relationship and he is treating her poorly or with mixed signals?

[tanbark813]

Pffft.. I would toss out that whole list and replace it with my own:

 

1. F**k other guys.

 

 

[trippi1432]

Interesting discussion so far....

 

NoraJane - great feedback and I too would like to see how men here respond to those.

 

Tanbark - I like your list!! :D I take it that you are not in agreement with the male perspective?

 

BTW - I'm trying to find a list on how men sabotage relationships from the female perspective...I think it would interesting to contrast the two and either see agreement or debunk the "experts" that came up with the lists.

[tanbark813]

Tanbark - I like your list!! :D I take it that you are not in agreement with the male perspective?

 

Like a lot of things, I think it varies from person to person. In the initial list I agree with #3, #4, and #7. Some of the others, like #5 and #10, don't bother me but I can see how they might bother other men.

 

I disagree with #11--I like having things done for me--and I strongly disagree with #9. I'm on NJ's side regarding that one.

[trippi1432]

This was the best I could find and was related to several articles on the net. It is actually a list that was put together by a marriage counselor and how to help men remove their negative thoughts about themselves and relationships to help them build healthy and loving relationships.....the following were the addressable issues around commitment problems or developing long-term relationships. Again, just interesting information for discussion.

 

 

1. Relationships mean responsibility.
   
2. I will get hurt if I am vulnerable.
   
3. I am afraid of commitment.
   
4. Relationships do not fit my self-image.
   
5. I can't be me and be in a relationship.
   
6. Women don't like me when they get to know me.
   
7. Women just want me for my money.
   
8. Women try to control me.
   
9. I am not good enough.
   
10. I am not attractive to women.
    
11. I hurt people I love.
    
12. I can't trust women.
    
13. I feel guilty for leaving my last partner.
    
14. Women are mean.
    
15. There is no one out there for me.
    
16. I am afraid that I will also have affairs.
    
17. I am not worthy of a relationship.
    
18. I have to focus all my time and energy on my career.
    
19. Women don't like emotional, sensitive men.
    
20. I have to be strong all the time, even when I feel scared, or I am not a man.
    

[trippi1432]

Like a lot of things, I think it varies from person to person. In the initial list I agree with #3, #4, and #7. Some of the others, like #5 and #10, don't bother me but I can see how they might bother other men.

 

I disagree with #11--I like having things done for me--and I strongly disagree with #9. I'm on NJ's side regarding that one.

 

Thanks Tanbark - I like your take on #5 and #10....I think that one does depend on the man and probably on their intentions. I tend to think that men who are players, insensitive or just have a commitment phobia could probably relate to those being a relationship sabotage. Good feedback...thank you.

[imagine]

Trippi,

 

The second list gives me far too much credit. What makes you ladies think that I think at all?

[trippi1432]

Trippi,

 

The second list gives me far too much credit. What makes you ladies think that I think at all?

 

Come on!! Not all men live under a rock.....

[norajane]

BTW - I'm trying to find a list on how men sabotage relationships from the female perspective...I think it would interesting to contrast the two and either see agreement or debunk the "experts" that came up with the lists.

 

Each of those items has a counter-point from the female perspective. And those are just as subjective and typical over-generalizations.

 

 

1. Giving up their passions: Are not appreciative or supportive of her passions, and/or insist she partake in his passions.
   
2. Too soon ask "where is this going": Never consider the health or future of the relationship, and are unwilling to discuss either the health or future of the relationship.
   
3. Think they can, and try to change him: Are unwilling to compromise even a little to take her needs into consideration. Places his needs above the health of the relationship.
   
4. Put down his friends: Put down her friends.
   
5. Become clingy: Become distant.
   
6. Become too compliant: Become too uncompromising and unyielding. His way or the highway.
   
7. Live only for the future: Never consider the future.
   
8. Insist their man meet all the criteria of their "perfect man" list: Insist on only one criteria - hot on a scale of 1 to 10, and have a roving eye for all the 10's out there.
   
9. Sleep with him too soon: Judges her for sleeping with him too soon, or judges her for her past.
   
10. Over romanticize the relationship: Takes the relationship for granted.
    
11. Do too much for him: Does too little for her and/or expects her to do too much for him.
    
12. Expect too much, then give up to soon: Never fully invests in the relationship, and then bails when she gets upset about it.
    

[Ronni_W]

BTW - I'm trying to find a list on how men sabotage relationships from the female perspective

My own list:

1. Makes guesses and assumptions about what "she" wants him to be, do, say and think...and then treats what he decides about all of that as if she said it; as if it is her truth and what she wants, needs and prefers. Pretends that he "knows her inside out" - makes himself the authority of her.

2. Fails to hear when she express her own wants, needs and preferences (because it would mean having to admit that his guess/assumption was wrong? that he guessed/assumed in the first place?)

3. Unwilling to self-examine and determine what changes in his current ways of thinking, being and doing would actually show growth and development on his part, and be beneficial not only for himself but for all those who love and are trying to love him.

4. Unable to admit that he does not know everything there is to know about life, love, women, sex and relationships; unwilling to learn/practice/master important personal and interpersonal skills.

5. Unable to identify changes that are needed to restore, nurture and support the relationship. (Example, responding to a request for the couple to learn better conflict resolution skills with, "Don't try to change me!")

6. "This is who I am - I can't change." (Put another way, "I can't learn any new skills or hobbies.")

7. Abandons himself; his own needs, wants and preferences

8. Refuses to express what he wants, likes and needs, and what upsets and frustrates him.

9. Acts out his guesses and assumptions about his mate, and then feels inadequate, unappreciated, and/or victimized when he doesn't get the response he expected or thinks he deserves for his "selflessness" or "initiative" or whatever he calls it.

10. Does not say 'no' and acts like he has no needs, wants or preferences of his own...then blames and feels hard done by when his needs stay unmet and his desires stay unfulfilled.

11. Makes himself responsible for his partner's feelings, happiness, comfort, etc., but stays irresponsible about his own feelings, happiness, comfort.

12. Refuses to even attempt the work of healing his own emotional wounds and traumas.

[Darth Vader]

Like a lot of things, I think it varies from person to person. In the initial list I agree with #3, #4, and #7. Some of the others, like #5 and #10, don't bother me but I can see how they might bother other men.

 

I disagree with #11--I like having things done for me--and I strongly disagree with #9. I'm on NJ's side regarding that one.

 

 

I kinda like your list, just having a #1. A little short, but hey.:lmao:

[tojaz]

I'm going to say that separating these lists by sex is probably a big mistake. The roles that each play are very different for each and every relationship. I think each of the items in all the list could be attributed to both sexes. I know I have been able to see my ex in both.

 

TOJAZ

[Darth Vader]

Come on!! Not all men live under a rock.....

 

 

I do!:lmao: J/K!:lmao:

[trippi1432]

I'm going to say that separating these lists by sex is probably a big mistake. The roles that each play are very different for each and every relationship. I think each of the items in all the list could be attributed to both sexes. I know I have been able to see my ex in both.

 

TOJAZ

 

 

Very intuitive and I do agree with that...I'm not the so-called "expert" though. These were lists that I found in articles and in books....I think the responses are interesting as we each relate them to our circumstances.

 

I do see myself on both sides of the list.

[Darth Vader]

BTW trippi1432, is that you in your avatar? If so your STBX-hex, I mean, ex-husband must be stupid! Either that or have A.D.D!

[trippi1432]

I do!:lmao: J/K!:lmao:

 

LOL!! Ok Darth...I will give you that one....:lmao:

[Darth Vader]

LOL!! Ok Darth...I will give you that one....:lmao:

 

 

I know how to make a girl laugh!:cool:

 

I think you needed it though!

[trippi1432]

BTW trippi1432, is that you in your avatar? If so your STBX-hex, I mean, ex-husband must be stupid! Either that or have A.D.D!

 

 

Why thank you Darth....while that is not exactly me...I am blonder....that represents me very much. And yes, my ex was/is stupid....LOL!!

 

And yes, I did need a laugh today...thank you. =)

[trippi1432]

I'm going to say that separating these lists by sex is probably a big mistake. The roles that each play are very different for each and every relationship. I think each of the items in all the list could be attributed to both sexes. I know I have been able to see my ex in both.

 

TOJAZ

 

Oh, and one more thing...it's not all about where you see your ex...it's about where you see yourself as well. Looking at the list from a man's perspective, it's eye-opening to women in mistakes that they make in relationships.

 

On the other list, for the men...yes...these are things that I feel could be on both the male and female perspective of looking at myself regardless of gender.

[Darth Vader]

Why thank you Darth....while that is not exactly me...I am blonder....that represents me very much. And yes, my ex was/is stupid....LOL!!

 

And yes, I did need a laugh today...thank you. =)

 

 

Not a prob.

 

BTW, gotta pic of yourself we all can see? I've gotta see this!

[trippi1432]

Not a prob.

 

BTW, gotta pic of yourself we all can see? I've gotta see this!

 

Are you trying to sway me to the dark side...LOL!!

[habs53]

I came across some reading on the book Boot Camp for the Broken-Hearted by Audrey Valeriani. I thought it was very eye-opening and will make an interesting discussion.

 

Twelve Things Women Do To Sabotage Relationships

(According to Men)

 

 

1. Giving up their passions
   
2. Too soon ask "where is this going"
   
3. Think they can, and try to change him
   
4. Put down his friends
   
5. Become clingy
   
6. Become too compliant
   
7. Live only for the future
   
8. Insist their man meet all the criteria of their "perfect man" list
   
9. Sleep with him too soon
   
10. Over romanticize the relationship
    
11. Do too much for him
    
12. Expect too much, then give up to soon
    

Opening discussions now.....:o:o

except for 11, that sums it up

[sally4sara]

I came across some reading on the book Boot Camp for the Broken-Hearted by Audrey Valeriani. I thought it was very eye-opening and will make an interesting discussion.

 

Twelve Things Women Do To Sabotage Relationships

(According to Men)

 

 

1. Giving up their passions
   
2. Too soon ask "where is this going"
   
3. Think they can, and try to change him
   
4. Put down his friends
   
5. Become clingy
   
6. Become too compliant
   
7. Live only for the future
   
8. Insist their man meet all the criteria of their "perfect man" list
   
9. Sleep with him too soon
   
10. Over romanticize the relationship
    
11. Do too much for him
    
12. Expect too much, then give up to soon
    

Opening discussions now.....:o:o

 

Am I the only one who finds it strange that one shouldn't ask this question of someone who is perfectly willing to be sexually intimate with you?