What and how much do you tell the kids?

[Fraggles]

How much to you tell your kids?

 

Of course, I understand it depends on many things.

 

I need some advice and/or experiences that may help me out. Here's my story (briefly):

 

H had 6 week EA/PA this past summer. It ended when I discovered it. He lied for three months about it being a PA - 12/22 was DDay #2.

 

We are on the road to recovery. Both in IC, soon to begin MC. WH is doing everything right.

 

We have 3 kids: almost 18 y.o. D (mine from previous relationship), 10 y.o. S and 8 y.o. D. (ours).

 

Of course, our eldest knew something was going on between us from the beginning (actually she sensed our extreme problems over the summer that preceded the actual A). I talked to her that we were having problems, but working it all out. She has seen me crying on occasion and was upset but I assured her I was OK. Should I be specific with her? She has not asked specific questions. She may have overheard some phone conversations w/ my sister and she saw a book I was reading in my room (After the Affair) but has made no comments. She has the common Step father relationship with my H - deep down loves him but resents him "replacing" her dad (not accurate - her dad has been very absent from her life from a young age). I am afriad if she knows, she will be so angry with WH that it will damage their already fragile relationship.

 

As for the little ones, they of course also sense something amiss. We have held all of our conversations in private, away from the kids. But we had spent so much time right after DDay huddled in our room that they must have thought it odd. We display affection towards each other in their presense (more so now than ever).

 

Son is displaying some behaviors that worry me. He has been stealing (candy at home w/o asking) and lying (about that and other things). Younger D is extra clingy. I try to give her the attention and hugs etc. that she needs.

 

The younger kids know the OW. WH became involved with her from cub scouts. How much she interacted with them, and how much she and WH displayed in front of them, I don't know. (Have to ask tonite!) In fact, on DDay prior to my discovery, we attended a scout function (one the few I attended - should have been to EVERY one in hindsight!) and the OW pulled into a parking spot beside our car. Younger D and I were in the car. When OW got out she waved and said Hi to D. I asked Who is that? D replied "That's (said her name), one of the Moms. She's nice." When I made the discovery of the A - I knew instantly it was her! Yet had never laid eyes on her til that day - weird!

 

So any words of wisdom? Suggestions? Personal experiences with your own kids?

[Errol]

Without thinking about this too hard right now my first inclination is to tell the kids ONLY the things that concern them. 1) NOTHING that happens between the parents will ever effect the way the parents feel/love the kids; 2) NOTHING that the kids have done, said, not done, or not said has anything to do with the problems the parents are havine; 3) Yes, we (parents) are having some problems and we are getting help to work them out and that is the right thing to do. If they ask for details just tell them that you each made some mistakes, but the important thing is to do what is right to fix those mistakes and make sure neither of you repeat them -- the same way you would tell your children that its okay to make a mistake sometimes as long as you don't keep making the same mistake and fix the reason they made it in the first place.

 

As for the older daughter -- she doesn't need to know any details about the actual affair or your feelings other then maybe some details about the counseling you and your husband are going to (I hope you are going to counseling). SHOWING them the right things to do is just as important, if not more so, then telling them. Your counselor should have some information for you both too.

 

Good Luck.

[brashgal]

I agree. I did tell my 18 yo but he asked some pretty specific questions and my ex is his natural father. I did not say much to my grade school child. And he hasn't asked.

 

My 18yo finally got up the courage to ask my ex what happened just recently (we split last summer). I think he now has a more balanced view.

[UCFKevin]

Try to say as least as possible.

 

I don't really know why my parents got divorced, and you know what? I prefer it that way. Because if i knew the truth, I might hate one of them, and that's something I wouldn't want to happen.

 

Just say you don't love each other anymore.

[TheFaithfulWife]

Cub scouting or a dating service?

I cannot believe how many scouting fathers have cheated with single mothers involved in scouting. There ought to be a page in the hand book that gives extramarital cheating advice!

 

I am also a woman whose husband got involved with the Scout mom, I find it hard to believe how these women can look your kids in the face at each meeting and still do what they do. And how can the husbands live with the knowledge that no matter how careful they are, that it gets around the pack?

 

I told my kids the entire truth about what happened between me and their father. They were there when I found out and I felt that they deserved the truth.

 

I have to say that part of it was that I did not want them to be in her company without knowing her part in it.

 

My husband had to take his share of the blame and had to earn his childrens respect back.

We are back together now and I find it comforting to know that my kids are more aware of the women in the group and they make sure dad doesn't get too close to any of them again.

 

I think your children are more aware of what has gone on then you think. My 9 year old came out and asked if the other woman was going to be his mom.

 

I would ask the kids if they had any questions and if it seems they want to know more I would be willing to answer, especially the older ones.

 

Good luck

TheFaithfulWife

[Fraggles]

Originally posted by TheFaithfulWife

Cub scouting or a dating service?

I cannot believe how many scouting fathers have cheated with single mothers involved in scouting. There ought to be a page in the hand book that gives extramarital cheating advice!

 

I am also a woman whose husband got involved with the Scout mom, I find it hard to believe how these women can look your kids in the face at each meeting and still do what they do. And how can the husbands live with the knowledge that no matter how careful they are, that it gets around the pack?

 

I told my kids the entire truth about what happened between me and their father. They were there when I found out and I felt that they deserved the truth.

 

I have to say that part of it was that I did not want them to be in her company without knowing her part in it.

 

My husband had to take his share of the blame and had to earn his childrens respect back.

We are back together now and I find it comforting to know that my kids are more aware of the women in the group and they make sure dad doesn't get too close to any of them again.

 

I think your children are more aware of what has gone on then you think. My 9 year old came out and asked if the other woman was going to be his mom.

 

I would ask the kids if they had any questions and if it seems they want to know more I would be willing to answer, especially the older ones.

 

Good luck

TheFaithfulWife

 

 

 

Well, I am not sure how aware they are/were of the situation. I don't think "know" that Daddy had a "girlfriend." They were not here when I found out and the sh*t hit the fan. My sister took them out that evening so H and I could talk (well, I screamed).

 

The youngest D was not around the scout activities too often.

 

My H said that there was never any flagrant, "out in the open" stuff going on at meetings that my son would have seen and he never had the kids when he was with her. It was VERY secretive...they would meet when H walked the dog late at night, or out for a jog, or he would use working late as an excuse.

 

I'm still on the fence with this one. The oldest D, like I said, knows we are having problems, but is not aware of the specifics. I do not think she would be told by someone else, altho, like I said, she may have overhead some things.

 

I think I may let this ride. Things here are improving greatly with H. We are feeling more stable and I think the kids are picking up on this too.

 

Thanks all for your input!