zero affection with gf, going crazy.

[thomas-moore]

Been dating my gf for almost a year now. She's never been the crazy affectionate type person, but the first 5 months were pretty amazing.

She isn't the hug/kiss snuggle on the couch type, and at night (we live together) she can't be touched, and we sleep with 2-3ft between us.

In all my past relationships, it's been the total opposite, so it's been hard to get use to.

About 5-6 months ago, she started a new medication, which killed any desire she had for contact of ANY kind. Intimacy included. Over the last 4-5 months, I think she got into that mood maybe 1-2 times.

This relationship has been extremely hard, and each time I bring up how frustrating it is having zero affection of any type, regardless if I'm talking about small affection, cuddling on couch, or whatever, she always says something like "here we go again... I get it, you're frustrated... so am I" Though this answer only makes me more frustrated... like she's brushing it off, or doesn't see how much it's bothering me. Sometimes she'll say "I'm seeing my dr in 4wks, I'll talk to him" but hearing that just makes me think it's not that important to her.

 

I'm almost screaming inside most days because I just want to hold her, and she doesn't want any part of it. I would say 9/10 days we get home from work, and it's a peck on the cheek, and a nother peck on the check heading to bed. My frustration has turned to partial resentment, and going to bed and not being able to have contact... it's pushing me away.

She isn't the cheating type, I can assure anyone on that 120%. The first 5 months were amazing, I know the meds and what she's going through is hard so I've been trying to be patient and understand but zero contact... I'm just having a hard time dealing with it now.

 

Any suggestions what I can bring up to her? Adivce? I'm not sure what to say anymore... when I bring it up, it turns into an argument most of the time. Thanks in advance.

Edited June 26, 2010 by thomas-moore

[Malenfant]

I can totally understand meds killing her sex drive, but i dont understand why it would make a person feel adverse to a cuddle.

 

I understand she may not be into passionate kissing, but I thought everyone likes a hug.

 

Maybe she is delibrately not getting close because she thinks that you might try to take it further and do something sexual.

 

I know you've tried telling her that you're unhappy, but have you made it clear that you're after a hug, and not sex?

if she thinks you are after sex she will withdraw from any contact, which I think is whats happening.

 

Its tricky because you say she isnt the cuddly type normally, so she probably wont understand what you are saying. Sounds like she feels that any physical contact is generally a prelude to sex, which of course it isnt.

 

I think anyone who is adverse to cuddles as a norm (without meds) is a bit odd TBH and probably has some issues, maybe relating to a lack of affection as a child.

 

All i can suggest is trying to make her understand that you're after the companionship aspect of holding her, and that it wont lead to you trying it on.

maybe she will understand, but as I said above, it sounds like she has a problem generally with affection.

[thomas-moore]

Sounds like she feels that any physical contact is generally a prelude to sex, which of course it isnt.

 

You are right on that. Every time I try to cuddle in bed, or give her a nice kiss, she'll back away because she thinks I'm after sex. This, she's told me many times during arguments about it.

Now... in my eyes, there's been really no intimacy in our relationship for the last 4-5 months, so while I can understand that's how she feels, at the same time, can I be blamed IF that was where I was headed? I mean, it's not like we are intimate every other night. It's nothing.

 

I don't believe this is the entire driving issue behind this though, as 1) she never has been the cuddle type, and 2) she says after going on the meds, she doesn't feel most days like having any contact.

 

I love her a lot and I want this to work, but I don't know how to communicate my issues with this anymore. It either turns into an argument, which ends nowhere, or it ends with her saying she'll talk to her dr in 4wks. And in the mean time, I guess I can just, sit tight and wait.

 

Most, if not everyday I get home from work, she'll open the door, turn around, and sit back down on the couch. We've talked about it many times and her response is usually "I know, I know... you've told me already... but there's a lot of things I don't like you do either" etc... which, as most might agree, that's very frustrating to hear.

I know the honeymoon doesn't last forever, but common... we've been dating 12 months, and most days it's a peck on the cheek...

She also likes to sleep "light", so that add's to the frustration.

Edited June 26, 2010 by thomas-moore

[Malenfant]

i'm genuinely sorry to hear about whats going on with you.

I was once in a relationship with someone who thought that contact was a prelude to sex.

I'm naturally a cuddly type person, so I understand how you are feeling.

 

Of course, you're not in the wrong to want more than a cuddle, but you also need to appreciate how it feels from her POV. sometimes I dont feel like sex and my H tries it and it makes me feel weird, and unhappy because I want to reciprocate but I just dont feel it. so go easy on her with respect to that particular feeling.

 

Although your GF is obviously going through a bit of a rough time ATM, its not fair on you either.

She needs to understand that what she's doing isnt fair on you. and by that I dont just mean not having intimacy, but moreso that she wont actually have a proper conversation about it.

 

You're not asking for her to change how she feels, but to at least have a proper talk, and not to be shut out.

 

I think she thinks that when you try to talk its because you are trying to change her mind and how she feels.

 

If she absolutely will not talk properly, (if it were me) I would seriously consider your relationship.

 

I know that sounds major, but imagine how she will be during any future problems in your relationship. Honest discussion is one of the foundations of a good relationship, and that is especially important when things aren't going well.

 

Also, her general lack of affection worries me, there's something about a closed off body that indicates to me a closed off mind.

Edited June 26, 2010 by Malenfant

[Green]

My advice is follow your heart and be who you are.

 

Look you need to respect and honor what she wants... but the same goes for what you want.

 

Obviously bringing it up or getting close just makes things worse because she gets annoyed and then you get annoyed at her for being annoyed.

 

My advice is stop pressuring her and see what happens. My guess is if you give it a month of respecting her wishs you will see that THIS IS JUST WHO SHE IS... You might never be able to get that first 5 month honeymoon period back.

 

You might have to consider the reality that you will have to break up with her and look for some one new.

 

Look if your lease is comming up soon that might be the best time, if not you might want to discuss whats best when the time comes.

 

But relize that you don't have to be MAD at her and that you do have a right to LEAVE and find some one new.

 

No shame in going to her and having a conversation about how its not working out.

[whichwayisup]

You've been dating for a year so how long have you two been living together? Living together too, could have helped along the honeymoon phase to crash quicker.

 

She takes meds which could be a forever thing, (if she suffers from depression) and you say she isn't the affectionate/cuddly type, she isn't going to change into that person who is going to be affectionate and cuddly. She's just not like that.

 

It's tough situation to be in - I can see you love her, but can you see your life in another year or two if things remain the same?

 

Couples therapy could help, especially since you both do seem to have resentments building up, the way you two argue, that dynamic isn't good either, she reacts negatively when you tell her how you feel. she isn't making much effort to make you feel loved, needed and desired.

[BS76]

You want sex and intimacy and she doesn't. If you're giving her space and respecting her wishes then it's only fair she returns the favor in the bedroom from time to time, even if she's not really in the mood. It comes down to fulfilling each others needs. Right now it's a one-way street and she's being completely selfish. Either you put up with it and get used to being effectively celibate, talk to her about this getting her to show you some much needed intimacy, or you move on to someone that's a better match.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Your relationship will not work, since only one of you is working on it. It is clear that she isn't going to change, so you will either have to adapt to this physically chilly relationship (which will never get better - she is comfortable with this, and if you stay you will be enabling this situation to continue), or you will have to leave and find a more suitable partner.

 

I suspect that even taking the near- year loss on this one you will count your blessings every day that it didn't work out with her when you meet a woman that you love like this one, and who has the capacity to love you back equally.

[Green]

Your best bet is playing her game for a short while. It might ease your mind when you break up with her.

 

You can be like: "I've tried to touch you, to have sex with you, even talking about it and it just leads to FIGHTS" "So I just stopped trying and for weeks nothing has gotten better" "I'm not blaming you because you have every right to define the relationship you want to be in, but I just don't want it to be like this anymore, I really love the idea of US, but I can't do this anymore" Then just try to move out... Give her the option of moving out, or maybe you guys could both move out and rent the place to some one new. I mean if you guys don't both own the place it won't be that complicated.

[carhill]

'I feel abandoned'

 

Bye-bye

[girlygirl25]

So she was very affectionate and loving prior to going on this medication? Like the complete opposite of what she does now? My first instinct when reading your post was that she might have been sexually abused. Being adverse to affection and sex is a classic sign of that. Do you know if she has a history of abuse?

 

I would be hesistant to say it's ALL the medication. I can understand the lack of sex drive but I don't thind meds can kill your desire to kiss or cuddle..can it?

 

Is there a possibility that she can switch medication? It would be interesting to see if she goes to the affectionate girlfriend she once was..

[carhill]

I've dated/loved this type. Heck, I was married for a decade to one. My bet is, in the 'first 4-5 months', she hooked him and what he is experiencing now is reality. That reality is not *bad*, rather who she is. Accept it. If she needs meds forever, accept it. If she was abused/raped/molested, accept it. Accept her as she *is* and decide whether that is compatible for *you* or not. You can't *fix* her. Fugetabout that. Communicate what *you* want, clearly, and then decide if the answer, in actions and words, is healthy for *you*.

 

Big world, lots of people. Remember, she's not wrong or bad. Good people can be incompatible for romantic relationships with other good people. Think of all the women who've rejected you in your life. Was that because you were/are bad? Hell no.

 

I once loved someone who made me crazy. On her meds, she was cold and distant. Off them, delusional and borderline mentally ill. I thought the feeling I had was being in love. It turns out it was just an emotional response to her craziness. Counseling helped me see that. Hopefully you'll find your path.

[Green]

I've dated/loved this type. Heck, I was married for a decade to one. My bet is, in the 'first 4-5 months', she hooked him and what he is experiencing now is reality. That reality is not *bad*, rather who she is. Accept it. If she needs meds forever, accept it. If she was abused/raped/molested, accept it. Accept her as she *is* and decide whether that is compatible for *you* or not. You can't *fix* her. Fugetabout that. Communicate what *you* want, clearly, and then decide if the answer, in actions and words, is healthy for *you*.

 

Big world, lots of people. Remember, she's not wrong or bad. Good people can be incompatible for romantic relationships with other good people. Think of all the women who've rejected you in your life. Was that because you were/are bad? Hell no.

 

I once loved someone who made me crazy. On her meds, she was cold and distant. Off them, delusional and borderline mentally ill. I thought the feeling I had was being in love. It turns out it was just an emotional response to her craziness. Counseling helped me see that. Hopefully you'll find your path.

 

 

I agree with pretty much everything you wrote and suggest the OP pay particlur attention to the bolded part.

[BS76]

I've dated/loved this type. Heck, I was married for a decade to one. My bet is, in the 'first 4-5 months', she hooked him and what he is experiencing now is reality. That reality is not *bad*, rather who she is. Accept it. If she needs meds forever, accept it. If she was abused/raped/molested, accept it. Accept her as she *is* and decide whether that is compatible for *you* or not. You can't *fix* her. Fugetabout that. Communicate what *you* want, clearly, and then decide if the answer, in actions and words, is healthy for *you*.

 

Big world, lots of people. Remember, she's not wrong or bad. Good people can be incompatible for romantic relationships with other good people. Think of all the women who've rejected you in your life. Was that because you were/are bad? Hell no.

 

I once loved someone who made me crazy. On her meds, she was cold and distant. Off them, delusional and borderline mentally ill. I thought the feeling I had was being in love. It turns out it was just an emotional response to her craziness. Counseling helped me see that. Hopefully you'll find your path.

 

Yeah, it's possible it was just a bait & switch. I'm surprised she didn't gain a ton of weight in the process. The two often go hand in hand. If you confront them about it then they frame it as "this is who I really am" like you're supposed to be just fine with them LYING TO YOU about who they really are for all those months.

[jenifer1972]

And this is why I am a big proponent of living together before getting married, if that is at all where this may lead. Now you can see what she is REALLY like. Almost everyone can pull a charade for 6 months, but after that their true personalities out themselves.

 

This woman, no matter how much you love her is not going to change. She appears to have a hangup with intimacy, both physical and emotional. I think you will be much happer if you realize this relationship has run its course.

[Joe Normal]

If you want an asexual relationship with no physical affection, and to be driven mad over the years, then by all means stay with her.

 

Otherwise, you would be much better off, and her too, if you dump her today and don't look back.

[Hop_prophet]

I totally understand where you are coming from as I am going through the same thing now. I wish I had some answers for you but nothing has worked for me. I have been rejected often for sex and it has really affected my confidence and happiness. At least you have a partial explanation, but my gf just tells me she doesn't know why her desire has flatlined. It is really discouraging when the few times I can get her in the mood it is apparant that she wants to just get it over with.

 

I try to be affectionate like you, but she rejects that too more often than not and seems to want her space. She seems more interested in her FB social life than our relationship. The really frustrating thing is that talking about it only makes it worse and causes her to withdraw more. I am with the other posters saying there is nothing you can do. You can either accept it or not. Just focus on the things that make you happy.