sominret Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 So far I've always lived close to my family, about 10 mins away by walk. Although my family can visit me and call me, I've always been the one doing the first move. For example, they will NEVER call me just to say hi, or visit me unless they need to drop something. I asked my Mom why she would never call me, and she said that it was up to the "daughter" to make the first move, always. Same thing for my sister, she said I had to always make the first move since she's the "big" sister. Although I don't like one bit the way they think, I don't mind since they are 10 mins away anyway. But in 2 weeks I will be moving out to an apt that is approx 1 hour away and quite frankly, I'm getting tired of always being the one calling/visiting. Not to mention that it's also hurtful that they won't call me unless I do, as if they don't care. Honestly, if I don't call them for 2-3 weeks straight, they won't call me either, even if they are worrying sick. Next time I call they will get upset and will say that I better have a good excuse for not calling. So I'm wondering what is the correct thing to do? Should I expect them to do their share of calling/visit and not call/visit unless they've done it too, or continue making the first move?
ShadowBlue Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Who cares about sharing/who gives what/or how much effort one makes/who makes the first move anyway? If you wanna call, just call. Weird.
TaraMaiden Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 No, I get this. but you left it way too late, honey. You should have stood your ground ages ago. "We teach people how to treat us". If they think they can demand and expect you to make the first move because you're at the bottom of the emotional entitlement ladder, than you should have stepped up a rung or two ages ago, because in accepting this and complying with their wishes, you're confirming their impressions. They're doing this because you basically let them. They think it's ok, because they said jump, and you've consistently replied with "oh, ok. How high....?" if you want things to change, then it's up to you to change them. but there is no middle-of-the-road and pussyfooting here. You either stand your ground or keep giving in. But if you stand your ground, tell them logically and plainly, why. Then, stand. And don't budge. If you budge - well then, your phone bill's just going to stay high, isn't it?
Author sominret Posted June 27, 2010 Author Posted June 27, 2010 Yes, I didn't stand my ground like you said, but that's because at the time I thought, instead of fighting with them I don't mind walking or calling, big deal. I never liked it though, and they know about it. I CAN stand my ground now, the problem is that if I tell them something like "listen, I will call/visit but please do your share too", they won't! Like I said, I can not call or visit for 2-3 weeks straight and for a reason that's beyond me, they won't make the simple effort to call, at least to find out if I'm ok, and the reason being that I'm the little sister or daughter. Like what kind of ****ed up reason is that? So basically I'm afraid that if I stand my ground, which I want to, I will end up with no communication with my family.
Jilly Bean Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 My parents are the same way. They are old school, traditional, and believe that children owe the respect to their parents, and therefore should be the initiator. I think it would be unfortunate to turn this into a power play. My crazy ass sister does the SAME thing and has the same attitude. And because of it, she is relatively estranged from the family. She will often say, "Oh, I didn't know xyz happened - no one ever tells me anything". Well, that's because she's pretty much removed herself from the daily ops of the family. It's your choice, and not all kids as adults need to remain close to their parents. But, do consider that one day they will be gone, and will making your point at this now, be worth it then?
TaraMaiden Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 No, you won't. At one time or another, they will break. You must just not break first. And when they break, the first thing you say is: "You'd better have a damn good excuse for having left this so long! What am I, less important? Less valuable? If my sister and I were lying in the road injured, but my injuries were worse than hers, would you still go to her first because she's older? No? Then on what exactly are you basing the importance of me having to do all the running? Are you saying I don't deserve respect? Everybody merits an even level of respect. After that, for it to rise, you have to earn it, not expect or demand it. If you want respect for me, you have to give some back!" ...Or do you think you do not have enough "balls" to go through with this? because you know - it's exactly what you'd LIKE to say, isn't it?
woody2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 I see the whole two sided arguement to this but disagree with you always having to initiate a phone call. I live in Ireland, my parents in Scotland, we take turns in phoning each other. Not they phone me, i phone them, but when we want to chat, one of us phones. I guess it is an old way of thinking to expect the kids to initiate the phonecall and that I'm lucky in the way i have it. Ultimately, you have to decide whether your relationship with your parents is worth more than who phones who. I'd bite my lip and just initiate it. It's a different generation. We don't all have to agree but we all have respect for one and other. I know people who don't talk to their parents over stupid things. I find it hard with my dad, I'm not going into detail but i wish i had a better relationship with him. Though on morals i believe you should stand your ground, i cant tell you that you should when i know what you could lose. Some people can be stubborn.
turnera Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 No, I get this. but you left it way too late, honey. You should have stood your ground ages ago. "We teach people how to treat us". If they think they can demand and expect you to make the first move because you're at the bottom of the emotional entitlement ladder, than you should have stepped up a rung or two ages ago, because in accepting this and complying with their wishes, you're confirming their impressions. They're doing this because you basically let them. They think it's ok, because they said jump, and you've consistently replied with "oh, ok. How high....?" if you want things to change, then it's up to you to change them. but there is no middle-of-the-road and pussyfooting here. You either stand your ground or keep giving in. But if you stand your ground, tell them logically and plainly, why. Then, stand. And don't budge. If you budge - well then, your phone bill's just going to stay high, isn't it? Exactly what I was going to say. Just say no.
turnera Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Yes, I didn't stand my ground like you said, but that's because at the time I thought, instead of fighting with them I don't mind walking or calling, big deal. I never liked it though, and they know about it. I CAN stand my ground now, the problem is that if I tell them something like "listen, I will call/visit but please do your share too", they won't! Like I said, I can not call or visit for 2-3 weeks straight and for a reason that's beyond me, they won't make the simple effort to call, at least to find out if I'm ok, and the reason being that I'm the little sister or daughter. Like what kind of ****ed up reason is that? So basically I'm afraid that if I stand my ground, which I want to, I will end up with no communication with my family.So, you are willing to be the scapegoat for your family for the rest of your life? Or are you ready to move out on your own and be an adult with your own wants and needs and if they want to be part of it, they can get off their tush and BE part of it? Is it fear of rejection? Then maybe a counselor can help you deal with that .
Author sominret Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 But, do consider that one day they will be gone, and will making your point at this now, be worth it then? That is the guilt trip right there. It's like a no-win situation. If I stand my ground, I risk not having them contact me ever and lose all or almost all communication with them. And is it worth it? No, I love my parents and sister. If it continues the way it has, I will have to do all the initiation and the responsibility will always be on me. What frustrates me is that common sense says that when you care for and love someone, you don't wait for them to call you....you just call and who cares if you did it first! Why can't they see that?? I know they love me...when they worry about me, they just bite their lip and resist the urge to call? I don't get it.
Jilly Bean Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 That is the guilt trip right there. It's like a no-win situation. If I stand my ground, I risk not having them contact me ever and lose all or almost all communication with them. And is it worth it? No, I love my parents and sister. If it continues the way it has, I will have to do all the initiation and the responsibility will always be on me. What frustrates me is that common sense says that when you care for and love someone, you don't wait for them to call you....you just call and who cares if you did it first! Why can't they see that?? I know they love me...when they worry about me, they just bite their lip and resist the urge to call? I don't get it. I already explained it, hon. They sound like my folks - old-fashioned, and believe the child owes the parent the respect. It's up to you. Dig in your heels, blow them off. But, like I also said, when my sister did that, it pretty well drummed her out of the family. Your choice.
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