Bedtime battle

[luvstarved]

My daughter will be 12 in September. Her bedtime during school year is 10 pm, 11pm in the summer. She does not ever seem sleepy during the day or overtired. Her final report card for the year was straight A's.

 

She has a rather elaborate bedtime ritual. As such, I have her start this ritual a half hour before bedtime. She does have a tendency to dawdle, so sometimes it is anywhere from 1 to 20 minutes past the appointed bedtime before she is fully settled. However, her actual asleep time is fairly constant (in other words, her bedtime is 10 but it is generally 10:15-10:30 before she is actually asleep, this is true whether she is fully settled

by 9:59, 10:01, or 10:15)

 

If a few days go by where she is routinely late, I start making her start her ritual earlier...but it is virtually never more than 20 minutes, and usually more like 5 or 6 minutes...

 

My problem is that my husband goes ballistic every time she is not in bed ON THE DOT of 10(11 in summer). In fact, he starts getting agitated BEFORE her bedtime. For a 10pm bedtime, he starts reminding her to get ready 2 hours in advance, so the whole of her evening after homework or whatever is hearing, brush your teeth, are you all set for bed, etc, every 5 minutes or so. By 9:30 he is already almost angry in advance (if you're not in by 10, blah blah blah, you'd better be ready).

 

By 10:01 he is SCREAMING! GET IN THAT BED! RIGHT NOW! I'M NOT KIDDING!

 

Mind you, she is not resisting, asking to stay up later, trying to wheel and deal anything...just her ritual sometimes takes a little long (she does things like get water, fuss with her covers to get them just so, synchronize her clock, etc). I have tried getting it down to the minute as he wants, but it just does not happen half the time and it gets to be 3, 4, 5 minutes over...

 

He goes to bed 9:30-10 time frame, so he is not even really "up" to deal with the bedtime, just lies in bed screaming about it. And, no, her ritual is not at all noisy...the only real noise is him yelling.

 

I have tried telling him that his yelling at best results in her having a harder time settling and relaxing, and at worst upsets her to the point of tears, and that I do my best to get her in on time but do not think 5-10 minutes is worth going on about, that she falls asleep around the same time whether she is settled at 10:00 or 10:05, or 10:15 for that matter.

 

I have also told her that she needs to tighten up the ritual and it should not go over 5 minutes, and I have gotten impatient with her myself on the rare occasions that it goes to 10:20 or so...but not to the point of yelling, just to say, if this happens a few times in a row, the rituals will have to start even earlier...

 

I don't really know why his yelling does not "work" in terms of getting her to "hup to" and be in bed on time, it does not seem to have any effect other than upsetting him, upsetting me, and to varying degrees, upsetting her.

 

But when I try to talk to him about it, he just says SHE GOES TO BED TOO LATE! *I* AM GOING TO TAKE CHARGE AND MAKE SURE SHE IS IN BY 10 (though he never does) I AM NOT GOING TO BACK DOWN AND ROLL OVER! YOU NEED TO GET HER IN BED EARLIER! If I try to state a different view, it is just SHE IS GOING TO BE IN BED BY 10!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Any thoughts?

[Norville_Rogers]

My thoughts....you are a very good parent and your husband is not. I hope that's not too harsh. But there is NO reason to yell at a 11 yr old to get them what you want them to do. It sounds like you've talked to your daughter about this and hopefully she understands the situation. This is the wrong battle to choose if you ask me. I don't know if you do or don't do this...but make a deal with your daughter that under no circumstance is she to not be in her bed by 9:55 (10:55 summer) and see if that works. I am truly sorry that both you and your daughter have to deal with a father that doesn't seem to know how to "chill out" and let them be a kid sometimes.

[sb129]

Difficult situation- most of my immediate thoughts were of you colluding with your daughter (ie, set her bedtime at 9:30, but she can chill out in her room/ read whatever till 10) to appease your husband, and thats not really how good parenting should go.

 

5-10 minutes is definitely not anything to get wound up about, goodness. My 8mth old daughter doesn't even go to bed at exactly the same time every night.

 

Personally, I think 10 is late for an 11 year old (its too late for me!!) but it obviously works for her.

 

Maybe the three of you need to sit down and work out a strategy ie- telling Dad that he is allowed to mention bedtime ONCE when he goes to bed himself, but until 10pm has passed he has to STF up!!

[threebyfate]

The two of you need to sit down and have a serious talk, adult on adult. If he thinks the bedtime thing is something to get nutso about, wait until she becomes a teenager in a year or so. Not only will she have worse behaviours due to hormones, she'll be rebelling against his heavy hand which will cause even greater escalations.

 

He really, really doesn't want to drive her away now.

[sb129]

Oh yes. My Dad and I clashed something AWFUL when I was a teenager.... he was a dictatorial type parent.

 

I don't ever remember arguing about bedtime though.

 

Being united as parents is important- your H needs to pick his battles and save his anger for stuff that really matters.

 

Have you asked him why he gets specifically mad about her bedtime?

[Ms. Red]

This needs to be in the marriage forum, not the parenting forum IMO.

 

Do you live in a house without walls and doors? I don't think my Dad ever had a clue what time I actually fell asleep when I was 11. And my bedroom door and my parents bedroom door was within 10 feet of each other.

 

I can't help but notice how you refer to "your husband" and never use the words "her father" or "her dad". Could it be that she is not his biological daughter and that is an issue with him? Sorry to ask that, but that is very common in this day and age.

 

I honestly think he is outrageous in his demands and that your daughter is just a normal girl at her age. I hope for her sake that you stand up for her and take this up with your husband.

[hotgurl]

I sounds to me that your husband is resentful that your daughter's bed time is the same as his.

 

So it ends up you two never get alone time.

 

Could this be it? Freaking out over 5 minutes is crazy.

 

Also sometimes around 12 or so kids start having trouble fallng asleep. What we did was the whole getting ready for bed routine than put some music on softly on a timer so she could drift off to sleep.

 

OR she could read a book qeuitly for 1/2 hour.

[lolapalooza]

What happened to the OP? I have questions!

Is she a step-child?

Do you two spend alone time together?

Does he expect you to go to bed when he does?

Does he have any idea what she does to get ready for bed?

Is he as strict with her on everything, or just bedtime?

How long has be done this? Recently, or has he done it since "bedtime" was established?

 

One of my daughters is a little older than yours. Yes, she dawdles sometimes, but usually is in bed around the appropriate time. Pretty much like your daughter, and there's no problem.

 

I'm curious why your H seems to be making a mountain out of a molehill.

[candymoon]

IMHO, 10pm during school year and 11pm during summer is very late bedtime, regardless if she is doing well in school and socially (WTG DD and mom!). Honestly, I think 9pm year round and maybe 10 for special occasions or a weekend night is probably more right.

 

Your husband is a very poor communicator, though he is right that it is a late (IMO) bedtime. I would be annoyed (though not acting as a teenager as he is) too. Mostly because the hour or so of alone time parents have as a couple or the very coveted "me" time does not exist with such a schedule. So, perhaps he wants couple time or time to relax without having to worry about DD. Have you two discussed her bedtime or was this an evolution?

 

The problem is, he is not communicating properly and is upsetting DD and the entire house with his yelling. Actually, what he is doing is verging on bullying. Is his communication so poor in other areas?

[In_Repair]

Some people need less sleep than others. It's a fact and there is no way around it. I have been that way all of my life and my five year old daughter is already starting to show the same signs. It sucks when someone else, who requires more sleep than you, is dictating both your bedtime and your wake time. I remember lying in bed for hours sometimes when I was a kid, trying to fall asleep just to escape the boredom. I'm good after five hours, and I feel lazy the next day if I have much more than that. My ex wife on the other hand, she needed eight hours a night or she was the superbeast. The whole bedtime issue caused a big problem when we lived together.