Ashamed to tell my boyfriend (future fiance) I was married before

[desertsun09]

Hello,

 

I feel so shameful about keeping a secret from my boyfriend, whom I suspect will pop the marriage question within the next couple of months. The truth is that he has no idea that i was married previously. I was previously in a marriage that ended quite badly 4 years ago. I went through a lot of trauma over that, so I've basically blocked that period out of my mind in order to move on and become healthy again.

 

The problem is that he has no idea I have this in my past. We did discuss the topic of former relationships before, where I denied having been married. It was so stupid of me! I should have just come clean and I wouldn't be in this mess. I was just too ashamed and felt like such a loser for having had a previously failed marriage.

 

Now I feel that I need to tell him the truth before he pops the question, but am so worried about losing him. I love him with all of my heart and he loves me to death. He is a level headed guy, but I know he will be disappointed that I lied to him and i'm not sure how he will react.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

DS

x

[aerogurl87]

That's a pretty big secret to hide and he'll find out sooner or later, like when you two go to get a marriage certificate and you have to show proof that you were divorced because it will be in the record books. Just come clean with him now before he has to find out from the legal system or someone else.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why didnt you guys discuss this when ya'll was in the dating phase?

[Ronni_W]

DS,

I am sorry for the predicament you find yourself in! I know it is self-created, but still. I can imagine what you're going through.

 

The thing is that, yes, he most likely will not have a too-great initial reaction. Be prepared for that and, while he is processing it, just sit with him in silence and let him say whatever words come. (That's not to say to allow him to be rude, harsh, attacking, etc.)

 

Or, if he needs to be alone instead, then just be okay with that, too.

 

Regardless of how he may react, though, yes, you do have the responsibility and obligation to tell him. And to do it immediately; the very next time that you two are alone together.

 

I would just cushion it as much as possible. You know him, and you know the kinds of things that will inspire his understanding and compassion. Do your best to stay calm and contrite. My guess is that it was your own self-judgments and self-recriminations that you projected onto him; that you know and have always known that he is kind, loving, compassionate, understanding, etc., and that he would not have judged you...but your own feelings of shame, guilt, regret, etc., were too powerful and you weren't thinking straight that first time you lied...and then you didn't know how to get out of it without coming off even worse.

 

Just tell him your own truth about how it came about, and do be prepared to be okay with however he reacts to it. Keep good thoughts that, after he has processed the news and calmed down, you two will be even closer and more in love than ever before

 

Hugs, and very best of luck.

[Jilly Bean]

Wow. Pretty huge lie.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure I'd be able to stay with someone who lied about something so big. I'd always view that person as someone capable of lying to my face, and going on merrily with life. I'd always wonder what else they lied about, and what else they may choose to tell me months or years down the road.

 

It would be a huge red flag, and would make me seriously reconsider keeping this person in my life.

[carhill]

OP, IIUC, you're a ~34 American and are involved with a British-born Pakistani. Is that right? If so, have you ironed things out with his family yet? Is his family dynamic some of the reason why you haven't discussed your past M? TBH, skimming the totality of your LS threads, some of which I've responded to, I'd suggest PMC if you and your intended become betrothed. My read is you have a pretty complex relationship. I think it will really help you (and him). Regarding the divorce thing, sooner better than later; if such a disclosure is a deal-breaker for the man (it wouldn't be for me), he's not the man for you. Face your shame (or whatever emotion you attach) and accept it. Good luck

[amerikajin]

Ooh boy, this is a big one. I don't know if it would be an automatic deal breaker if I found out my fiancee were married before -- if she told me and if she could explain why she didn't tell me before. But if I found out about it on my own, that would probably be a fatal blow to the relationship, particularly if it had come up before.

[desertsun09]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts! It's good to hear some outside perspectives.

 

Carhill: yes, i am white/christian/american, the one with the brit-pakistani bf and thank you so much for all of the helpful advice you have given me in the past. You are very clever and have hit the nail on the head once again! I didn't get into it in depth in my initial posting cause i felt it may be too complicated to explain everything, but yes, the muslim pakistani thing and complications with his conservative muslim family are a big factor in why i didn't disclose my past marriage to him. I don't know a lot about how muslims view divorce, but i'm sure it can't be good and i guess i was just afraid that it would be some shameful sort of thing for his family. His family STILL does not know i exist, even though we've just come back from traveling together for several months. He is supposed to tell them soon though. He had to lie to his mother about who he was going traveling with and keep me a complete secret. He doesn't think she will be happy he is with a christian/white gal, so i suppose we shall see. Not to make excuses, but this muslim conservatism is a big factor in why i didn't disclose it. Looking back, i'm sure he would have been okay with it, not too crazy about the notion, but not disappointed like i think he will be when i tell him now (cause i lied to him and here we are a yr later). Another reason is that i am not the same person i was when i was in a previous marriage. I don't even know who that girl is, and just wanted to move on and i honestly don't ever think about that time in my life. I think your advice of PMC is brilliant, and personally feel all engaged couples should do it as well. With all this being said, our r'ship is not complicated, we have the greatest time together and love each other dearly, it's just the circumstances around our r'ship that are complicated.