grounded Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 Ex-GF wants to meet. Not to get back together, but to try and resolve some things from an ugly breakup that happened one year ago after 6 years. There has been no contact in 8 months. I don’t want to get back either, but I am not fully recovered from the breakup and I must admit I have unresolved anger and resentment about how things went down, not to mention sadness and regret. I would say in the short term it may hamper my recovery because of seeing her—I still love her. But I don’t think any amount of time, medicine, or counseling will correct how the breakup went, which is the most hurtful thing. I am not sure if meeting, talking, apologizing, forgiving and having a nice conversation would help. But I think it may in the long run, and may be the only way to heal the wounds of a breakup done badly. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 If YOU don't think it'll help at all, then don't do it. DOn't do it just to make her happy. You're not looking out for her anymore, what's it matter how she feels at this point? I mean, I know you don't mean her harm, but if meeting her would make HER feel better and YOU feel worse, then screw it, don't do it. From what it sounds like, I think it would be a bad idea. Might make any progress you've had go down the dumps. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 What's the most healing thing she could say to you? "I was wrong." "I was an idiot." "I should never have left you." "I'll never find another man as good as you." "You are the most amazing person on this planet." Just imagine her saying those things, then. Because one thing you know she won't say is, "I'm turning back time and taking all the hurt away." She probably wants to see you to make herself feel better about the breakup. Will it make you feel better? Probably not. You'll spend the whole meeting, and also the next week, replaying every word or tiny gesture to see if you can re-interpret it in some way that gives you hope. It will prolong the pain, so I would suggest not doing it. But if you do see her, make sure you have a firm time limit - like maybe a plane you need to catch - and a nice, noisy, cheerful activity planned for afterwards. Maybe with some likker involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 The ball is in your court. Speaking from experience, it can be nice to clear the air, esp. if you've been wronged or you've wronged someone. However, it's also not the most comfortable thing in the world and it's not like it's forged any great friendships...at least not in my experience. If you think it will make you feel better in the long run to get things off your chest, than go for it. However, before you do it, remember that you haven't been in contact for quite some time and think about what it will be like to have that contact again. Are you ready to deal with sitting and talking with her? That's something I would really think hard about. It takes a long time to heal from a bad break up and sometimes seeing that person can open up old wounds. I'm not saying you shouldnt do it...just make sure you're ready and able to handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate What's the most healing thing she could say to you? "I was wrong." "I was an idiot." "I should never have left you." "I'll never find another man as good as you." "You are the most amazing person on this planet." Just imagine her saying those things, then. Because one thing you know she won't say is, "I'm turning back time and taking all the hurt away." She probably wants to see you to make herself feel better about the breakup. Will it make you feel better? Probably not. You'll spend the whole meeting, and also the next week, replaying every word or tiny gesture to see if you can re-interpret it in some way that gives you hope. It will prolong the pain, so I would suggest not doing it. But if you do see her, make sure you have a firm time limit - like maybe a plane you need to catch - and a nice, noisy, cheerful activity planned for afterwards. Maybe with some likker involved. I can really agree with all of this. However I smoothed things over with someone under similar circumstances, but I did it via email and I don't talk to her on the phone or in person. That's worked out okay but I gave it a lot of time. If you're still not ready or recovered it may be a bad idea. But take the gesture as you want to I suppose. It might be enough that you can say "She wants to smooth things over. That's good. But I'm not going to.", if that's what you decide to do. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 This is an opportunity. You can either use it to reestablish contact or to establish that you don't want contact anymore. Are you done with her? If so, then turn down the meeting. If you aren't then decide what it is you want from her and meet with her. You have to ease back into things. She may just be looking for forgiveness or closure. Or, she may be looking to get back together. Despite what she might have said. You should do what you feel is right, but don't extend yourself to her, wait for her to give some indication first. If you are too hurt by the breakup to reconcile, then it's best to not meet with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Marty_McFly Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 Originally posted by grounded I am not sure if meeting, talking, apologizing, forgiving and having a nice conversation would help. But I think it may in the long run, and may be the only way to heal the wounds of a breakup done badly. Any thoughts? Yes, I do think that those things, particularly the forgiving part, will help tremendously in the long run and probably also in the short run, though it may be tough to do initially. Truly forgiving someone is a huge step, and can be very helpful in healing. When you can truly let go and stop harboring the anger through forgiveness, it's much easier to move on. I think it would be OK to meet, as long as you don't have any expectations from it. Who knows, after seeing her and talking to her, you may realize after all this time that she's really not the girl for you anyway. Or, she may apologize and ask for forgiveness, even if she doesn't want anything else, and those words from her will probably make it much easier for you to go ahead and actually forgive her in your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 You will know in a matter of minutes what this meeting is all about. You sound composed enough to function and handle it, and if you don't meet, you will be kicking yourself for not doing it. At best, it may be a step toward reconciliation, at worst, a step toward forgiving, friendship and closure. Look at the positives and keep your eyes open. Many people don't even get the chance for a meeting, so you are a step ahead there. Most people don't look for a meeting to make it something negative, although it could go that way if you don't have your eyes open. Be positive, don't be petty or vindictive and give it your best shot. Best of luck, may it all go well for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
julieg Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 i had an opportunity like yours and i didnt take it. to this day i regret it because it just leaves more questions because of all those loose ends. 6 years is a long time to spend with someone. dont hold it against her and just meet with her. how many people in this world will we ultimately "know" on such a deep level. even though you can never turn back time and erase the hurt she has caused you need to take the higher road- it is a sign of strength and it sounds like you can handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
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