Seven times a charm?

[Confused4Now]

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

 

Nick and everyone, you are saving my life, one post at a time. It's LONELY being the OM, isn't it? I chose that as my user name to wear as a badge of shame until I'm finally free of this. Not close yet, but Nick is inspiring me.

 

NICK! I've been through EVERY single thing you've said, except mine has only lasted 3 years, not 12. I went NC about 4 months ago ... and slipped up about 1 month ago. We are right back in it. We're in love. We're soulmates. There is light at the end of the tunnel. She can't imagine living her life without me. She can't imagine being with her husband forever. BUT ... it's right around the corner. It's exactly like you say, Nick. It's a cycle. A cycle we've repeated - like you - countless times. She feels guilty. She doesn't know if she can leave. In fact, she can't leave. The attachment is too great. The turmoil it will cause is too much with friends and family. She doesn't want to hurt their child. It's over. ... Until she calls again and the cycle restarts.

 

Gosh for SO long I've felt all alone in this. Seems like there are lots of OWs out there, but not as many OMs. Probably not true, but there aren't as many OMs speaking out.

 

They never leave, do they? Nick, my 3 months of NC began exactly like yours. We are addicts. The initial break is a relief. We're strong, we're moving on. Then the desperation kicks in. Then the ANGER kicks in strong. But then the anger dissipates, and we say, "oh jeez, I still love her, and I'm not mad anymore." And THAT is when they pop up again.

 

That's where I am, today. Late stages of Step 1 of the cycle, but moving quickly towards 2 and 3 (although, I would say I usually don't get the anger from her ... more like a frustration). I suspect we're days away from "The Talk." That she can't leave. That we have to walk away from this. We've had The Talk countless times.

 

I have no control, friends.

You have to focus on you and only YOU. Start focusing on the boundaries and you'll see how things play out. I can assure you she's going to stay. Unless she was planning to leave before she met you ....you won't have a chance. Are you married? What is your status?

[Circular]

I've found this thread very eye opening for myself, even though I'm an MM. The few months I've been in NC have been hard, a lot harder than I thought they would. But I'm also now acutely aware that a cycle is possible and I'm working hard to keep the walls up.

 

As OM1 mentioned trying to hold onto anger and frustration is difficult. So everyday I sit down and type out a paragraph or two as two what were the flaws and things that made me decide on NC in the first place. I've found this thread is great because I never considered the control factor and now reflecting back I have realized that I relinquished almost 100% of the control to her in the relationship as a way to help her feel secure, she had a lot more at risk than I did as I don't have children. But it also gave her free reign to treat me dismissively at times.

 

As a side note I find anger/pain a very fascinating subject in itself. I have a theory that it's very difficult to hold onto either very long, whereas the feeling of love and happiness we can hold onto and remember quite easily for many years. Why? My theory is that we are programmed this way for survival, if we remembered pain and anger as vividly we would never progress as a society the imbalance is necessary otherwise we'd be hesitant to "go out and try again" in cases like this it's obvious that it can work against our favor.

[OM1]

You have to focus on you and only YOU. Start focusing on the boundaries and you'll see how things play out. I can assure you she's going to stay. Unless she was planning to leave before she met you ....you won't have a chance. Are you married? What is your status?

 

COnfused4Now - I'm single. Divorced actually (but the MW had nothing to do with the divorce ... she came after). I know she's going to stay. That's the thing. I've asked myself the same thing over and over again - Why am I so stupid?! Why do I keep falling for this? When I get insecure and ask her if there's actually a chance for us (which is regularly, it seems!) she always says the same thing: "I can't imagine being with him, and without you, forever." It finally occurred to me recently that this statement DOESN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION!

 

She said once that she had to leave ... knew she had to leave. She actually started taking the steps. But she chickened out when H begged her not to leave him and their child. That should have been enough for me. That should have been it right there. But I took her back. Again. Same damn cycle.

[Confused4Now]

She said once that she had to leave ... knew she had to leave. She actually started taking the steps. But she chickened out when H begged her not to leave him and their child. That should have been enough for me. That should have been it right there. But I took her back. Again. Same damn cycle.

I think you should post your story so we don't thread jack your situation. I'd like to hear it..there are not to many men who post here mostly women. Hope we all can help...you will find good support here minus some of the Betrayed Spouses who post here.....

[OM1]

I think you should post your story so we don't thread jack your situation. I'd like to hear it..there are not to many men who post here mostly women. Hope we all can help...you will find good support here minus some of the Betrayed Spouses who post here.....

 

 

I will do that, Confused. Thanks. I'll be honest with you, it's equally as helpful to hear the criticisms of the Betrayed Spouses. I'm not naive to the fact that I'm contributing to their pain - nor do I believe I deserve any sympathy.