Thinkalot Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 I'm doing a lot of learning about how to balance togetherness, and intimacy with your partner. I came upon some interesting points, I wanted to share, because I thought many of you may be able to relate, and also that if you identify the source of YOUR fears, you may be able to start to overcome them. Intimacy anxieties, or a situation where intimacy feels dangerous or threatening, according to author Stephanie Dowrick, can be the result of several themes: *fear of loss of self *fear of loss of the other *fear that deep caring leads to too much vulnerability *fear that deep caring will give the other person intolerable power to make you unhappy *fear that deep caring will seriously curtail your freedom. These are fears which need to be overcome, by understanding what sparked them initially, and learning to move past the initial triggers and live and love fully and openly. Hope this helps some of you or at least offers food for thought. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 I have a few questions, and I don't mean to hijack the thread. Do you think these fears are natural, or do you think something causes them? Are the fears healthy, to some extent? Do you overcome them through yourself, or through the partnership? Link to post Share on other sites
silk_sword Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 Do you think these fears are natural, or do you think something causes them? Are the fears healthy, to some extent? Do you overcome them through yourself, or through the partnership? - i believe the fears aren't natural. we aren't born with a fear of commitment (at least i hope not). we develop them through all the relationships we encounter and experience (family, friends, and love). - i would say having fears is one thing. this isn't healthy or unhealthy. but, letting the fears prevent u from living, experiencing, or taking risks is obviously unhealthy. u can't let your fears determine your actions. u can't let your insecuries overwhelm your possibilities/potential. -now with overcoming them i'm not sure. i would say both individuals help overcome the fears. it all depends really. in truth, one decides whether to get over something or not. however, another person can help him/her in doing this. so in a relationship it's probably a two way thing. both people help themselves and one another mature. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 Great answer--seeing as how I don't have a vested interest in defending a delusion, I enjoyed your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted February 3, 2004 Author Share Posted February 3, 2004 I've got to out shortly, so I'll keep this brief. I think some fear is natural AND healthy, and a form of self preservation. Some personality types are bigger worriers than others though, so that amount of "natural" fear can vary. I think excessive fear is the result of bad experiences/hurts etc which happen to us in life, or even in childhood. Our subconscious mind hangs on to them, and doesn't let them go, EVEN when it is safe to do so. We need to learn how to overcome them, and let them go. Other factors, such as upbringing and societal influences can also effect some of the other fears and expectations, because we absorb lessons from people around us. These also need to be looked at, and perhaps corrected, so we can live and love more fully, and with less fear. In my own case, I think my fears have come from life experiences, and a natural tendency to worry and obsess, in the same way my father did, and also my grandfather did. Largely these things need to be overcome by the individual, from within. However, a loving and supporting partner can help very much so, by providing a safe environment for the learning and development to occur, and also positive reinforcement that it is SAFE to love and trust. Anyhow, that's just my opinion based on my own experiences and readings. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 *fear that deep caring leads to too much vulnerability this is me. now can someone tell me how to fix it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted February 3, 2004 Author Share Posted February 3, 2004 I wish there was an easy answer lost, or some magic pill we could take! Once hurt, it's hard to trust again, but the rewards are manyfold! You just have to drop your guard and take the risk I think. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 I have fallen into this trap that when I start a new relationship, I dont expect it to last long, I dont get too close, I actually prefer friends with benefits and then I get accused of not caring when I know deep down that is not so. I just get scared, and I end it. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 You fear that you won't be able to handle getting hurt so you avoid it. You may be right; after some painful events, sometimes we need to shelter ourselves from difficulty for a while to allow ourselves to become strong again. However fear can become a habit, and you can become a hermit or take refuge in shallow relationships easily. At some point, you have to have a chat with yourself and say 'self, time to jump back into life'. Sure, it's scary - but remember 'a life lived in fear is a life half-lived'. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 I have done this for the past 3 years now, I dont want to get hurt again, to the point of being terrified of it. And im so scared I just wish i could stop being scared. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 But you survived being hurt before - which means you are strong enough to survive it again. Besides, hurt is not inevitable! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted February 3, 2004 Author Share Posted February 3, 2004 Exactly! Live in hope, not in fear. It's easier said than done, but worth trying. My guy was cheated on in his first marriage and swore off women for good. Then he met me and realised it was safe to love and trust again. I'm learning those things too! Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenHeart Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 *fear of loss of self *fear that deep caring leads to too much vulnerability Several months ago my five year relationship dissolved before my very eyes. Long story short, he decided that we were fighting too much about every little detail and I just wasn't the woman he wanted to be with anymore. He decided this after we were four years into the relationship, and then called it quits a year later! A year! I was beside myself with grief really. To me, someone had just died, and I couldn't figure out if it was him or me. I was clueless about the break-up. No one in his families or even our close friends told me anything. I was deeply hurt and embarrased. Mortified really. The initial trigger? Being too trusting and loving. How do I fix this? Well for startes therapy. My family and friends are also helping me. The friends that couldn't or wouldn't help me before the break-up? Well they were no friends of mine to begin with and it just really broke my heart to learn this. If you ever do find that magic pill Think, I'll take one please! I have done this for the past 3 years now, I dont want to get hurt again, to the point of being terrified of it. And im so scared I just wish i could stop being scared. I think I know what you are going through. I went through the cheap thrills phase of being a friend with benefits. But it made me feel worse in the long run. It tore up my heart and soul to realize I was letting myself be used by these men. Through very good friends and family, I am trying to open up my mind and heart to new experiences and people. I also am terrified of the hurt that this may bring to me. How could I trust anyone again? Who was to say that I would try for another relationship for a few years and not get burned again? But I know if I don't do it, then I can't grow as a person and my heart will be forever closed. I had to go through some deep soul searching just to get to this point, and I am trying to stay on the right path to healing. I hope that you can get through this and that no one ever hurts you again! Yes hurt may be invetiable. But the kind of hurt people cause can leave scars that take time and understanding to heal. I want you to know that I feel your pain. No I don't know exactly what you have gone through, I can only relate through my experience. But I do know that I wouldn't want for anyone to ever go through what I did and am going through. If you know that kind of pain, then I am sorry. If you don't count your blessings! Good luck to your heart and soul lostforwords! This probably hasn't been any help to you. But I did want to let you know that I understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted February 3, 2004 Author Share Posted February 3, 2004 I would say many Lshackers can understand and relate, as many are here because they have gone through pain and hurt of some kind. You really need to tackle it though, once you have regained your strength. Good for you Brokenheart for talking to people...you'll get there! Link to post Share on other sites
silk_sword Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 harsh compliment dyer Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 Originally posted by silk_sword harsh compliment dyer It honestly was not. All I was saying is that since I don't think I have this problem, I wasn't making excuses, so I could read it with an open mind, and therefore enjoyed it more. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 Thank you Thinkalot, moimeme and Brokenheart....... you three have given me some food for thought....... as some of you know, I am this hard, tough, shelled person. I know Im like this, I dont deny it, but Im also tired of being scared.... and we know what kind of affect fear does to a person. Last night when I read Thinkalots statement of vulnerability, it was like it just jumped off the screen. I absolutely debated with myself as to whether I would even post about it. And Im actually glad that I did. I guess in previous months, I was absolutely convinced that having this fear is totally fine, well I think it is for a little while... its trying to shake it thats the hard part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted February 3, 2004 Author Share Posted February 3, 2004 You will get there lost..if you set your mind to it, and actually WANT to let your guard down and so on. It's like me- I had to WANT to let go of my fears and obsessive thoughts, before I even had a chance of success. Stepping out of my "control" zone has not been easy, but my life is getting better with every step forward I take. I still have fears...but they are abating. And the more love you give, the more you get back! Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 I feel for you Lost. Recognising that it's an exhausting and lonely way to live is the biggest step and you've done that. The hard times are behind you - now you're on the up and up. Try small steps first: spotting how you keep people at bay and making small changes. You are such a warm, engaging person you will get loads of positive feedback. With some people there is a negative thought associated with the distancing behaviour. If you have this then talk to people about what it is so you an get rid of it. You'll get there, you've got everything going for you. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 thank you so much meanon and thinkalot, your kind and uplifting words mean so much to me... i truly mean it..... i plan on taking the steps.... i guess i should explain why i have identified myself as such.... is because over the weekend I met a fantastic guy, he made me laugh, we got along fabulously, we wrestled, we had the intense attraction with eachother.... and i will admit a few other people had noticed this as well and ofcourse felt it upon themselves to bring it my attention. i have met him before (about a month back as well as seen him around here and there catching him staring at me from afar) but due to having to leave and basicly ignoring his advances as well as just chalking it up as "just a guy who wants to get laid" (or so i thought) i carried on with my business. this past weekend when we were able to spend time with eachother friday, saturday as well as sunday, it occurred to me that perhaps he wasnt looking to just get laid and then fear just kicked in immediately..... when i went to say my goodbyes he followed me to the door as well as walked me a bit out into the hall. i could tell he was wanting to say something but unfortunately i cut him off and said "well see you next time" turned about rather quickly and basicly walked without taking a look backwards until i got to my moms door and seen he was still standing and watching. i waved..... quickly shut the door.... and my heart was racing, i felt so stupid because i knew he wanted to say something more to me besides a goodbye. i just sat and thought to myself why am i so scared of even entering a relationship or possible freindship with someone i am attracted to. and then my past relationships (past 3 years) started popping up as well as the fact i have always been the one to initiate the break up and worse just cut them off without saying another word to any of them or explaining anything.... just a quick non evasive im sorry but i cant deal with this now good luck in your life.... and thats it. my relationships since my last major one 3 years previous have lasted at the very most 9 months.... the shortest being 3 months. and ofcourse eachone being the longest first and each relationship ending shorter than the first. i get scared.... plain and simple.... and i have done it again to myself this past weekend... the time before that was approximately 3 months ago when i ended yet another relationship to just a friend status. im tired of having guy friends.... i want them to move to the next step... but i get so stupid... i panic i make excuses i avoid everything with that person when it comes to natural progression. i know i need therapy.... i just wish i knew how i could fix this myself.... ive now advanced to having doubts before even a solid friendship even starts let alone if it even makes relationship status..... it just keeps getting worse. sorry i didnt mean for this to turn into a novel!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 You really should see a counsellor because this issue could be due to any number of fears which have arisen due to something in your past. If you have no clue as to what it could be (abandonment, maybe?) then a counsellor would help you tease it out. You could get yourself a stack of books on fear of intimacy and fear of commitment and that sort of thing, but unless you had a better guess about which of these is affecting you, you'd be striking out with several of them. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 Therapy might help but as you do not have a mental illness the main thing is talking it through with people so you can identify what you are really scared of and what you can do about it. Is it the possibility that they might leave you and worrying that you couldn't cope? Are you scared that they will not love you when they get tp know you? Whatever it is it can be fixed. Honest!!! I'm really glad you met a great guy. The wrestling sounds good LOL. See him as a treat you will reward yourself with when you have done your soul searching and are ready to take a risk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted February 3, 2004 Author Share Posted February 3, 2004 Recognizing what's going on is a great first step lost! It's half the battle I think. Now you need to find out WHERE it's coming from, and tackle it from there. Reading books and discussing it on here will surely help, but a counsellor might help too, as moimeme suggests. s***, we all have baggage! Some people don't even bother trying to get rid of it, so good on you! I've offloaded a few huge suitcases, but I think I still have a few suitbags at the very least, to go! lol! You are warm and engaging and funny, so just let those qualities shine through and give this latest guy a chance! If it doesn't work out, you'll survive, and you will have gained some extra in your life, if only for a time. And if it does work it...wonderful! Life is a constant learning curve, if you want it to be (some people seem to stagnant I must admit)...I thought I learnt lots in my early twenties...but I am learning lots more right now! Smiles to you Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 Thank you guys again so much.... i guess you can tell Im wanting to do something about this before it does get worse... although i dont know how much worse it can get.... ive shut down emotionally when it comes to these relationships... i dont want to do it anymore.... part of my fear as well of posting this on here had to do with the stalker issue however i really dont give 2 flying s***s about that person finding out, it seems she has even deeper issues if she decides to use this against me. (its a computer for cripes sake) none the less i have made my first appointment for next week on thursday the 12th. i dont know if ill be updating or posting as a log on here about it but rather i just may keep it in an online journal. part f me is excited/scared/frustrated as well as very anxious.... i just want it fixed.... and the faster thursday comes the sooner the healing process begins. my appreciation is endless to all thats posted.... thank you again so very much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted February 4, 2004 Author Share Posted February 4, 2004 Good on you! Link to post Share on other sites
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