When partner actually does leave you for OW

[Jilly Bean]

Thank you, Jilly Bean!

 

I didnt get GEL's commentary either.

Like I said when I replied to GEL's comment - my ex and I weren't just dating, we were in an exclusive/committed relationship. I have EVERY RIGHT to feel wronged and betrayed no matter if we weren't married. Just like married couples, we had our own home, we had our own family - we just weren't legally married. So what? He still ****ed up, he still lied and cheated and he didn't "date" OW, he ****ed around with her while with me and he's gotten himself in a pickle.

 

Anyways, thanks again, Jilly Bean! You're awesome!

 

Of course, honey!

 

This isn't a situation to be diminished because you weren't legally married. Of course, it makes it easier being done with the snake, but still. Doesn't change the commitment. A promise is a promise, and he broke it, and betrayed you.

 

I give him 2 months before he's back at your door. Which I know you will slam in his face. lol

 

You're doing great. Eat something sinful today to treat yourself.

[BeagleGal]

 

I totally agree with you. Its about choices in the end, and he made that choice to be deceitful with no regard for me. It was and is all about him. And yes, i can't imagine how much worse it could be if we had gotten married or had a child together.

 

Ha! If and when he does back around, I can't wait to slam that door in his face and say SCRAM AND DON'T COME BACK AGAIN EVER!!!. LOL.

 

Thank you again, its Day 13 of NC and I'm proud of myself for not caving!

I think you're right, I should treat myself!

 

Of course, honey!

 

This isn't a situation to be diminished because you weren't legally married. Of course, it makes it easier being done with the snake, but still. Doesn't change the commitment. A promise is a promise, and he broke it, and betrayed you.

 

I give him 2 months before he's back at your door. Which I know you will slam in his face. lol

 

You're doing great. Eat something sinful today to treat yourself.

[Jilly Bean]

 

I totally agree with you. Its about choices in the end, and he made that choice to be deceitful with no regard for me. It was and is all about him. And yes, i can't imagine how much worse it could be if we had gotten married or had a child together.

 

Ha! If and when he does back around, I can't wait to slam that door in his face and say SCRAM AND DON'T COME BACK AGAIN EVER!!!. LOL.

 

Thank you again, its Day 13 of NC and I'm proud of myself for not caving!

I think you're right, I should treat myself!

 

Well, his OW is about to find out how horrible it is when you're married to him with a kid and he cheats!

 

Oh, you'll be getting that opportunity - NO DOUBT. If he's already telling you how complicated it is, that's his way of saying he's having second thoughts, and it's not all roses.

 

I think you're doing GREAT! Living well is the best revenge.

 

So, what's the treat going to be?

[BeagleGal]

True that! And like you said, its just karmic retribution for their actions. Better her than me is all I have to say!

 

HA! Yeah I figured things weren't all wonderful with him when he first started texting me again to begin with but when I read his comment when he said life was much less complicated before, then I definitely knew he was having second thoughts. Well too bad for him, he made his bed he can damn well lie in it!

 

Is it common for men like to contact on a regular/semi regular basis and then disappear? Only asking cuz although I have maintained no contact, so has he. Not like I should are anyways, better for me I never hear from him.

 

Thanks!

 

Hmm, I think I'm going to have a nice big plate of nachos! And a cocktail!

 

Well, his OW is about to find out how horrible it is when you're married to him with a kid and he cheats!

 

Oh, you'll be getting that opportunity - NO DOUBT. If he's already telling you how complicated it is, that's his way of saying he's having second thoughts, and it's not all roses.

 

I think you're doing GREAT! Living well is the best revenge.

 

So, what's the treat going to be?

[Fieldsofgold]

True that! And like you said, its just karmic retribution for their actions. Better her than me is all I have to say!

 

HA! Yeah I figured things weren't all wonderful with him when he first started texting me again to begin with but when I read his comment when he said life was much less complicated before, then I definitely knew he was having second thoughts. Well too bad for him, he made his bed he can damn well lie in it!

 

Is it common for men like to contact on a regular/semi regular basis and then disappear? Only asking cuz although I have maintained no contact, so has he. Not like I should are anyways, better for me I never hear from him.

 

Thanks!

 

Hmm, I think I'm going to have a nice big plate of nachos! And a cocktail!

 

Whoooo, girl. Nachos and a Margarita! (and I'd buy!)

 

Just caught up on reading the posts. Whether you signed papers and all that, you were living together as common-law husband and wife, rearing a child together. The commitment was the same. The betrayal was the same. The hurt was the same. Just not as financially expensive to get out.

 

My xH didn't contact me for 4 years, while he was M to OW#1. But when he did contact me, it was clear he had been thinking about me a LOT. He had planned out the whole thing how he was going to leave OW/W #1, had planned out what he was going to tell family/friends, including my family. Had worked out all the financial details. Had everything set and in place to execute. All he needed was for me to say ok. I guess because I had loved him so much, had been so devastated when he left, he was REALLY sure I'd take him back! (I let him tell me his entire plan, asked questions, etc., before I showed him to the door.) So even though he did not contact me, I'd guess from everythig he had in place, he had spent at least a year planning to come back to me!

 

My guess as to the reason he didn't contact me in the meantime? He knew I would not have an affair with anyone. For any reason. I think he wanted everything in place to remove any fear/doubt from my mind about his sincerity in coming back to me. Also, he could do it quickly, withot a lot of complications or delays. Boy was he in for a surprise!

 

I said all that to say that just because you haven't heard from him doesn't mean a thing.

 

I am proud of you going 13 days with NC. Even if you do hear from him, it's ok, as long as you keep moving in the right direction, which is whichever direction he is not.

 

Enjoy your nachos!

Edited June 30, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[BeagleGal]

Fieldsofgold: Haha! Deal!

 

Absolutely true. I dont see how my pain is any different or any less just b/c I wasnt married to the man. I thank my lucky stars that at least i was able to walk away from it in the sense that we didnt have to go thru a divorce or anything complicated like that. But I still carry the wounds just like a married woman would if she'd gone thru the exact same thing.

 

Holy crap. I can't believe your ex-H had it all planned out like that and for a while too! Do you know in the end if he actually went thru with the divorce? I suspect my ex is also probably planning his way out. I know he's going thru the wedding to uphold his reputation and image as an upstanding guy who is doing right by this girl. But I wouldnt be surprised if he was planning now what his escape plan is going to be. Pathetic.

 

That's why I think my ex has stopped contacting me the past couple of weeks b/c even after suggesting we meet up for drinks and "catch up", and trying to be all nice with me, I wasnt going for it. My replies were a bit snippy and not reciprocating what he was I guess, trying to put out. I dont want him thinking that just b/c I'm still vulnerable and all that I'm going to jump into his arms and start an affair with him and become the OW to the OW. Absolutely no way is that going to happen.

 

I mean it could be any reason he's not contacting me and you know what, good. He's full of **** anyways. But yeah you're right, it doesnt mean a thing.

 

Exactly my plan! Maintain NC and run the other way if I do hear from him again!

 

Thanks, fieldsofgold!

 

Whoooo, girl. Nachos and a Margarita! (and I'd buy!)

 

Just caught up on reading the posts. Whether you signed papers and all that, you were living together as common-law husband and wife, rearing a child together. The commitment was the same. The betrayal was the same. The hurt was the same. Just not as financially expensive to get out.

 

My xH didn't contact me for 4 years, while he was M to OW#1. But when he did contact me, it was clear he had been thinking about me a LOT. He had planned out the whole thing how he was going to leave OW/W #1, had planned out what he was going to tell family/friends, including my family. Had worked out all the financial details. Had everything set and in place to execute. All he needed was for me to say ok. I guess because I had loved him so much, had been so devastated when he left, he was REALLY sure I'd take him back! (I let him tell me his entire plan, asked questions, etc., before I showed him to the door.) So even though he did not contact me, I'd guess from everythig he had in place, he had spent at least a year planning to come back to me!

 

My guess as to the reason he didn't contact me in the meantime? He knew I would not have an affair with anyone. For any reason. I think he wanted everything in place to remove any fear/doubt from my mind about his sincerity in coming back to me. Also, he could do it quickly, withot a lot of complications or delays. Boy was he in for a surprise!

 

I said all that to say that just because you haven't heard from him doesn't mean a thing.

 

I am proud of you going 13 days with NC. Even if you do hear from him, it's ok, as long as you keep moving in the right direction, which is whichever direction he is not.

 

Enjoy your nachos!

[HappyAtLast]

While I am certainly sorry for all that you have gone through, I do tend to agree with GEL. You were with the man for three years and you did not marry. There is a reason for that. I am a man, and rather old, hence old fashioned, but living together is not the commitment as being married, at least not to a man.

 

Move on, enjoy the life you deserve with a partner who will respect and cherish you as you should be respected and cherished. No point in wasting time thinking about what could have been.

[BeagleGal]

HappyAtLast: We can agree to disagree. I see it different. We were exclusive, we were commited (or at least I was) and so what if we didn't marry, that doesnt LESSEN THE PAIN OR THE BETRAYAL!! He ****ed me over and that's that. So I dont understand how I am not "allowed" to grieve or feel angry over what I've gone through. I most certainly am entitled to feel that way no matter if we got a legal piece of paper or not.

 

Not pondering over the what if's anymore. I know NOW he's not the man for me and he wasn't capable of giving me the respect and love I deserve. Whether or not we would have married, he still would have ****ed up. He's just an a**hole like that.

 

While I am certainly sorry for all that you have gone through, I do tend to agree with GEL. You were with the man for three years and you did not marry. There is a reason for that. I am a man, and rather old, hence old fashioned, but living together is not the commitment as being married, at least not to a man.

 

Move on, enjoy the life you deserve with a partner who will respect and cherish you as you should be respected and cherished. No point in wasting time thinking about what could have been.

[HappyAtLast]

 

Not pondering over the what if's anymore. I know NOW he's not the man for me and he wasn't capable of giving me the respect and love I deserve. Whether or not we would have married, he still would have ****ed up. He's just an a**hole like that.

 

Excellent. No one is saying how you should or should not feel. Time heals all (believe me on that). What is important is that you now know that he is not the man for you and can move on to find happiness.

[BeagleGal]

Sorry if I got a bit defensive there...

But yes, thank you - its been a rough few months but I think each day I'm getting better. I have bad days still but nothing like a couple of months back. So yes - all I can do is move forward and not look back.

 

Excellent. No one is saying how you should or should not feel. Time heals all (believe me on that). What is important is that you now know that he is not the man for you and can move on to find happiness.

[HappyAtLast]

You are also entitled to feel defensive . I have been both a betrayed spouse and a cheater. I do understand the myriad of feelings you will feel until you feel better.

 

Important thing is to move forward to the kind of life that you deserve with a worthy partner.

[kuma]

BeagleGal, change your phone #, so he can't text you anymore. I hope you'll feel better soon.

[BeagleGal]

Thanks, HappyAtLast...

 

Amen to that!

 

 

 

You are also entitled to feel defensive . I have been both a betrayed spouse and a cheater. I do understand the myriad of feelings you will feel until you feel better.

 

Important thing is to move forward to the kind of life that you deserve with a worthy partner.

[Mimolicious]

LOL...alot of guys that leave for the OW secretly start up contact with their ex-girlfriends or STBxwife after they move out. Of course, the LIAR won't admit it to his OW-turned-girlfriend. Oh no, he'd never do that. But they do it - ALOT.

 

These guys don't leave for the right reasons, and they're stuck in a limbo of sorts after they make their move. If they did it the RIGHT way - leaving because the relationship was no longer viable and splitting up was the right thing to do - then they might become better emotionally adjusted before moving onto the next relationship. But most of them have to have a reason for leaving their wives, and that reason is usually an OW whose given them an ultimatum of some kind or another.

 

So they go from one woman right to the next one - without taking the necessary steps of HEALING and learning to move on. Thus, the eventual contact to the woman they left.

 

If I were you, you owe absolutely NOTHING to the pregnant OW, just as she obnoxiously disrespected YOU. So anything you decide to do with your jerk of an ex is your own business. But if I were you, I'd keep copies of EVERYTHING (and take lots of pictures if you can) then wrap everything up in a lovely gift box and deliver it to his new "woman."

 

I'm funny like that.

 

You ain't lying! They do!!! My exH does... he left with OW, 3yrs ago. Yesterday he came to my house to get our kids, I opened the door, he goes "Hi the love of my life", tries to kiss me and hug me and then asks me if he can sleep over or if I can come and sleep over. :rolleyes::eek:

 

I just at him and walked back into my home office. LOSER!

 

Wonder if his OW knows he still tries to fancy me?! I thought she was the baddest biotch alive! What happened?!

 

Beagle- whatever this dude is capable or not capable of it shouldn't concern you. Just be glad that you were not M and having his child. He was a BF, we all had tons of those (well not tons but you know...) Time for someone else to deal with his nonsense. You give him a finger, he is going to take the whole body! Besides, once he is married and you let him finagle his way back, you will be his OW.

[BeagleGal]

I should - no good will come me always reading his stupid messages.

Thank you! I tell ya, Kuma, like I told HappyAtLast and others here, I still have bad days but I think I've progressed nicely over the last couple of months. I have a wonderful group of family/friends who were and are there for me. And a beagle at home who puts a smile on my face!

 

BeagleGal, change your phone #, so he can't text you anymore. I hope you'll feel better soon.

[BeagleGal]

Oh wow! I have no clue about **** like this because I have never gone through anything like this in my life. I've been married before, very young at 22 and we split about 4 years later. And even then, I never went thru the hell I did with my ex now.

 

So, is he still with OW? I can't believe he called you the love of his life and tried to hug, kiss you and to even have a sleepover of some sort! Talk about nerve!

 

HAHAHA! I like it! I like that you just smiled and walked away...

 

Oh okay, so he is still with her - well, you know what, I think our ex's/men like this realize that the grass isnt always greener on the other side. Idiots.

 

And NO WAY do I ever want to become his OW. Esp to the OW!

 

You ain't lying! They do!!! My exH does... he left with OW, 3yrs ago. Yesterday he came to my house to get our kids, I opened the door, he goes "Hi the love of my life", tries to kiss me and hug me and then asks me if he can sleep over or if I can come and sleep over. :rolleyes::eek:

 

I just at him and walked back into my home office. LOSER!

 

Wonder if his OW knows he still tries to fancy me?! I thought she was the baddest biotch alive! What happened?!

 

Beagle- whatever this dude is capable or not capable of it shouldn't concern you. Just be glad that you were not M and having his child. He was a BF, we all had tons of those (well not tons but you know...) Time for someone else to deal with his nonsense. You give him a finger, he is going to take the whole body! Besides, once he is married and you let him finagle his way back, you will be his OW.

[Fight4Me]

Just thought of something. If you haven't already done so, change the locks on all the doors. If you have a garage with an automatic opener, change the programming code on that, too. Eliminate all the ways he could try to worm his way back into your life.

[Fieldsofgold]

you ain't lying! They do!!! My exh does... He left with ow, 3yrs ago. Yesterday he came to my house to get our kids, i opened the door, he goes "hi the love of my life", tries to kiss me and hug me and then asks me if he can sleep over or if i can come and sleep over. :rolleyes::eek:

 

I just At him and walked back into my home office. Loser!

 

Wonder if his ow knows he still tries to fancy me?! I thought she was the baddest biotch alive! What happened?!

 

Beagle- whatever this dude is capable or not capable of it shouldn't concern you. Just be glad that you were not m and having his child. He was a bf, we all had tons of those (well not tons but you know...) time for someone else to deal with his nonsense. You give him a finger, he is going to take the whole body! Besides, once he is married and you let him finagle his way back, you will be his ow.

 

o!m!g! Roflmho

[Fallen Angel]

Fieldsofgold: Haha! Deal!

 

Absolutely true. I don't see how my pain is any different or any less just b/c I wasn't married to the man. I thank my lucky stars that at least i was able to walk away from it in the sense that we didn't have to go thru a divorce or anything complicated like that. But I still carry the wounds just like a married woman would if she'd gone thru the exact same thing.

 

Holy crap. I can't believe your ex-H had it all planned out like that and for a while too! Do you know in the end if he actually went thru with the divorce? I suspect my ex is also probably planning his way out. I know he's going thru the wedding to uphold his reputation and image as an upstanding guy who is doing right by this girl. But I wouldn't be surprised if he was planning now what his escape plan is going to be. Pathetic.

 

That's why I think my ex has stopped contacting me the past couple of weeks b/c even after suggesting we meet up for drinks and "catch up", and trying to be all nice with me, I wasn't going for it. My replies were a bit snippy and not reciprocating what he was I guess, trying to put out. I don't want him thinking that just b/c I'm still vulnerable and all that I'm going to jump into his arms and start an affair with him and become the OW to the OW. Absolutely no way is that going to happen.

 

I mean it could be any reason he's not contacting me and you know what, good. He's full of **** anyways. But yeah you're right, it doesnt mean a thing.

 

Exactly my plan! Maintain NC and run the other way if I do hear from him again!

 

Thanks, fieldsofgold!

 

Or maybe he contacted you and asked if you wanted to meet for drinks and "catch up" because he felt badly about the way that he had treated you and wanted to apologize. Perhaps he wanted to be the one to tell you that he was getting married, that he was having a baby with the new woman in his life. Perhaps you mis-read his intentions because you want to believe he is not happy in his new relationship.

 

I am just using conjecture obviously, as were you when you decided he wanted more than just a friendly chat with his offer for drinks, but perhaps you should have asked him straight out what he wished to discuss, rather than assuming he wanted you to be his OW. Just my opinion.

[Mimolicious]

I'm not kidding! It's a long and complicated story but yes, he left with the ow and after telling me "no matter what we had in our 14 yrs together and being friends for 17, didn't amount to what he felt for her. That he had "sparks" with her.

( I always remind his those words when he calls me honey and my love, etc...)

 

I wonder what happened to the sparks??? He's been coming at me sideways for a few now. Making sexual passes. Asking me to join him for dinner. Telling me that he misses me, blah, blah, blah. Last, he asked me if I was dating anyone. I said no, because I'm not going tp lie either... he then asked me if I didn't get "horny" :eek: that he was concerned about me not getting any sex and that he wanted to satisfy me. Hahhaahahhaha! Classic! I hung up......

 

I have kids with this idiot and a business that we agreed to co-own. His bull**** games don't face me. I do wonder though, if he regrets his decisions and like you said- he know sees that the grass ain't greener. Oh well! Better her than me! Poor thing... she gets to be the old me.

 

Your exSO just wants to see how much he can get away with. It's all a game! Don't let him f things up for you!

[GreenEyedLady]

And I don't get this!

 

She was living with the guy, and in a serious committed relationship. He wasn't "dating" Beagle, and then "dated" someone else.

 

Are you saying because they weren't legally married, she's not entitled to feel wronged and betrayed?

 

Pretty harsh commentary, IMO. I think she's just as justified in her feelings as if she were married to the guy. Betrayal to a commitment and promise counts, whether or not paper was involved.

 

Ok this is my thinking and then I'm done.

 

This sounds like Saved by the Bell College. Or post high school.

 

She dated a guy for two years and for a year they lived together; a year which she played babysitter when BF had visitation. BF didn't ask to marry her, but led her on with talk about M. Instead he ended up meeting someone else and had her move out.

 

Single people are perfectly entitled to break up with people. No kids together, no ring, no piece of paper.

 

There is no OW here. There is another female that her XBF is now engaged to. Now she (OP) is entitled to feel like he cheated on her, but that is not the same as being married to a man, having children with him, having him vow to support and love you forever in front of friends and family, for years and have him cheat on you and/or leave you for another woman.

 

Obviously he missed the memo on commitment. And he had her move out. Didn't lead her on or lie to her etc.

 

Now the only OW I see here is that she may find herself in that category when he marries his fiancee. He chose to propose to her (fiancee), not OP.

 

And the pregnancy excuse, please. How many women were pregnant when they first married? Not cool to suggest she did it on purpose. Everyone here assumes she knew he was living with OP and that might not even be the case.

 

This belongs in the cheating forum because it certainly has nothing to do with support for OW/OM.

 

I'm not saying it's wrong for the OP to feel betrayed-it sucks to be dumped. But to equate it with the infidelity in a M is a slap in the face IMO.

 

OP: sorry if you felt it was harsh. Life is often like that. Just trying to keep it real.

 

GEL

Edited July 1, 2010 by GreenEyedLady

[Mimolicious]

I thought the same when I first saw this post. It belongs in another forum. But GEL I don't think OP should be treated with a "you were less significant" tone either.

[BeagleGal]

GEL: Good your done. I think I heard enough. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM PERSONALLY GOING THROUGH AND I'M DONE. So we will leave it at that. I don't need to further explain my situation or my feelings to you if you are just going to disregard how I feel or my situation just b/c I wasn't married to the guy. Thanks for posting, take care.

 

Ok this is my thinking and then I'm done.

 

This sounds like Saved by the Bell College. Or post high school.

 

She dated a guy for two years and for a year they lived together; a year which she played babysitter when BF had visitation. BF didn't ask to marry her, but led her on with talk about M. Instead he ended up meeting someone else and had her move out.

 

Single people are perfectly entitled to break up with people. No kids together, no ring, no piece of paper.

 

There is no OW here. There is another female that her XBF is now engaged to. Now she (OP) is entitled to feel like he cheated on her, but that is not the same as being married to a man, having children with him, having him vow to support and love you forever in front of friends and family, for years and have him cheat on you and/or leave you for another woman.

 

Obviously he missed the memo on commitment. And he had her move out. Didn't lead her on or lie to her etc.

 

Now the only OW I see here is that she may find herself in that category when he marries his fiancee. He chose to propose to her (fiancee), not OP.

 

And the pregnancy excuse, please. How many women were pregnant when they first married? Not cool to suggest she did it on purpose. Everyone here assumes she knew he was living with OP and that might not even be the case.

 

This belongs in the cheating forum because it certainly has nothing to do with support for OW/OM.

 

I'm not saying it's wrong for the OP to feel betrayed-it sucks to be dumped. But to equate it with the infidelity in a M is a slap in the face IMO.

 

OP: sorry if you felt it was harsh. Life is often like that. Just trying to keep it real.

 

GEL

[BeagleGal]

I already had found out about the OW's pregnancy and the marriage from someone else and when i confronted him about it, he pretty much denied everything. The only thing he was concerned about was how I found out and who told me. His own friend told me he thinks my ex would try and have an affair with me, hence, him texting him.

 

Nah, I have no interest in wanting to know what he wanted to discuss, maybe then i was a little curious but now, I have no interest. Since we broke up he's been lying to me still and since so I dont see why now he'd come clean all of a sudden.

 

Or maybe he contacted you and asked if you wanted to meet for drinks and "catch up" because he felt badly about the way that he had treated you and wanted to apologize. Perhaps he wanted to be the one to tell you that he was getting married, that he was having a baby with the new woman in his life. Perhaps you mis-read his intentions because you want to believe he is not happy in his new relationship.

 

I am just using conjecture obviously, as were you when you decided he wanted more than just a friendly chat with his offer for drinks, but perhaps you should have asked him straight out what he wished to discuss, rather than assuming he wanted you to be his OW. Just my opinion.

[BeagleGal]

Thank you, Mimolicious. Maybe I did post in the wrong forum I still consider his fiancee now the OW as she was the OW. She was another woman, the other woman, whether or not ex and i were married. I was the main woman, #1 and when he cheated on me, to me she's the OW.

That's just how I feel and i don't appreciate that tone either and my situation being compared to a freakin' TV show or high school. Enough said about that and GEL. I've added her to ignore list as I don't need to hear anymore of her ****.

 

I thought the same when I first saw this post. It belongs in another forum. But GEL I don't think OP should be treated with a "you were less significant" tone either.

Edited July 1, 2010 by BeagleGal