Failed Marriage

[HopelessinDTW]

[FONT=Times New Roman]I have been married for almost 9 years. We actually lived for 3 years before we tied the knot. After we got married, things were fine. But I have a lot of a self-image problems, so being intimate with my wife at times was tough. At times I felt like she didn’t enjoy it? We didn’t have sex as often as she would have liked, or me either. But at the time she was busy in school, and I was working hard at my career. After 4 years of marriage, we had a son and two years later a daughter. We were more than happy, and spent all of our time with the kids, taking care of them, the house etc. We have no family in the area, so we ended up having no time to ourselves. With two full time jobs, kids, house, etc.etc., we never made time for ourselves. This didn't bother me as much as it did my wife (so she tells me now), but at the time I didn't hear any major complaints. We both also have a lot of work related stress, which hit me the worst and caused me to have anxiety issues that would come and go. She asked me a number of times to go see a doctor, but I refused telling her that it would pass once the kids got older and work stress reduced. Our conversations would be her telling me to change, and she would never take any criticism from me. She kept on blaming me for all the problems we were having. She would come from work, and not talk to me. She would complain that I never tell her I love her, but at the same time she never said she loved me either. When she felt work stress, she would vent to me and I would listen. But she thought that I didn’t care? She would complain about all the house work, and I would offer to help. But then she would refuse my help. With our schedules, we barely had time to take care the kids, much less have time to ourselves. I worked my a** off to provide for her a beautiful house, a nice car, and kept us financially secure for all the years that we were together. I paid of her huge student loan, and made it through the worst economy without losing my job even tough many around me did. She never appreciated all the work and sacrifice I was making to keep ourselves secure for the future. [/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman]Then about a month ago, she sent me an e-mail at work telling me I had to leave the house and that we needed to have time apart…I was shocked. She told me to see a therapist with her, and I eventually agreed. At the therapist, I didn’t get a word in! He said that we needed to have individual therapy, and that there was too much turmoil between us. She also told me that I had a small chance to get back with her, and that I would have to work hard to win her back. I agreed to all her wishes, and started to take action right away. At this time, I found though e-mails that she had been in contact with a old high school boyfriend she started to talk with through Facebook two weeks before I was booted out of the house. Their conversations quickly became more and more intimate. But I tried to ignore them, and worked to better myself. After a couple of weeks, I asked my wife if she wants to got to marriage counceling. She was irate, and said she was absolutely not ready. I kept pushing to understand why, and she finally told me that the only reason she said I had a chance was so I would go to therapy, but that she wanted to divorce all along. I was devastated! I asked her about her OM. She told me it was nothing, and that she wasn't having an affair with a man 1000 miles away. Although I knew she was lying, I didn’t make a big deal of it. A week after she filed for divorce, the OM came up here to a hotel and she met up with him. I heard the whole thing…it was painful, but at the same time proved my gut feeling. I quickly left, and went home to check on the kids. My in-laws were there taking care of them, while their daughter was screwing another guy! It was unbelievable to say the least. When I told the IL's what was happening, they were completely fine with it. About an hour later, my wife and her new boyfriend show up at our house. She takes the kids, and they all went out to lunch!!! It was just the lowest I ever felt in my life. That whole week, she completely severed all communications with me, and I didn't get to see or speak with my kids. They (wife, kids, OM, and inlaws) spent the whole week together at the house! We are communicating only through lawyers. [/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman]After all this, I'm still beating myself for not being more proactive during the marriage. I know there were things I should have done, but to be treated the way I have been treated for the past month is just not right! After finnaly making progress in improving myself, she decides to go off with another man!! I worry about the future with my kids, since the OM is planning to move up here with his kid from a prior marriage. Their plans are to eventually get married, and to live in the house. I am trying to move on, but it's so hard, and so much has happened in the past month for me to completely comprehend. What do I do? How do I move on? I feel like she just threw me out like an old rag, since she has someone else waiting for her. My kids are being exposed to the OM at the time where they are already confused as to why daddy is not around as much. I feel completely helpless, and hopeless. My therapist also agreed that she shouldn’t be exposing the kids to the OM, but legally there's nothing I can do. [/FONT]

[habs53]

At least she gave you hints that there was a problem. Sounds to me like she had not given up on you. Take your time with her. Dont push her further away. I truly believe that when most women leave they do want you to win them back. I wouldnt put to much stock into the facebook thing. I talk to past girlfriends all the time. There is nothing more to it.

[HopelessinDTW]

Well, I'm not sure if there is any chance of us getting back together. I mean the papers are filed, and she's very angry with me for busting her. she even told me that she doesn't love me. My problem is that she's with this guy within a few weeks of meeting him. And I still have to be around to take care of the kids, and share time with them...which I want to do, but it requires me to be around her/OM. That's really making me feel worst, and keeping me from moving on.

[habs53]

Well, I'm not sure if there is any chance of us getting back together. I mean the papers are filed, and she's very angry with me for busting her. she even told me that she doesn't love me. My problem is that she's with this guy within a few weeks of meeting him. And I still have to be around to take care of the kids, and share time with them...which I want to do, but it requires me to be around her/OM. That's really making me feel worst, and keeping me from moving on.

 

I dont believe that rebound relationships last. She is doing the classic grass is greener routine. I would think most on here would suggest doing the 180 thing.

[wrencn]

Wow she is lucky you didn't do something terrible to her in the heat of the moment. I can't imagine how that must have felt. He rebound relationship will go down in flames- just give it time. Don't beat yourself up, you can't change the past. It is wrong for her to bring your kids around the OM so soon- he could be a bad person. Her family isn't helping matters either. What is the custody situation/agreement?

[HopelessinDTW]

Well, I tried the 180 thing. but since we have kids, it sort of tough. i also failed at the 180 thing a few times by telling her I still loved her, and that I would do whatever it takes to get us back together....oops.

 

I also read some of the e-mails between them, and they are talking about getting married. In fact I am sure this guy is going to move here sooner or later and bring his kid. I know that he's looking for jobs up here also. So, I am pretty sure she has closed the door on our marriage. A lot of people have told me that she's making a mistake by rebounding with this guy. the sickening thing is they all hung out together this past week at our house with the kids around. She's already acting as if he's her new husband, and introducing him to the kids. It's just unbelievable!!

[HopelessinDTW]

She told me that she feels no emothion towards me, and that she's felt that was for a long time. This is coming from a person who asked me to have another child with her just a few months ago!!

 

The custody situation is that I see the kids in the afternoons after I pick them up from work, and have them every other weekend. This is the agreement during our separation. but she was so pissed off that I busted her last week that she completely severed all contact with me and the kids.

 

i am most worried about the kids and how they are going to deal with this situation. I am worried that this guys is coming here partly because he sees $$ since she's got a good job, and so do I. So he knows she's going to get quite a bit of $$. he's a maintanance mechanic, only a high school education, and has already been divorced at least once

[2ndthymearound]

I think that right now she's all excited about this new relationship. I too left my husband for my current husband and here we are separated after 9 years! I said that yes the grass is greener on the other side but that's because there's more bs over here! Everyone has issues and this guy will have issues too, she just won't see them until later. If I were you I would work on myself, see a counselor and lay low. You probably deserve someone better anyway.

[wrencn]

She told me that she feels no emothion towards me, and that she's felt that was for a long time. This is coming from a person who asked me to have another child with her just a few months ago!!

 

The custody situation is that I see the kids in the afternoons after I pick them up from work, and have them every other weekend. This is the agreement during our separation. but she was so pissed off that I busted her last week that she completely severed all contact with me and the kids.

 

i am most worried about the kids and how they are going to deal with this situation. I am worried that this guys is coming here partly because he sees $$ since she's got a good job, and so do I. So he knows she's going to get quite a bit of $$. he's a maintanance mechanic, only a high school education, and has already been divorced at least once

I'm sorry for what she is doing to your children- it is going to mess them up in the head if they are old enough to know what is going on. Can you try to get custody? Don't make this easy for her.

[Woggle]

I would advise you to get a lawyer and get ready for war. There is no reasoning with a woman in this state of mind.

[habs53]

Well i will tell you what, she told you that you will have to work hard to win her back. I think its time for her to get off her high horse. She is in this emotional affair thing and probably thinks at this time she can do better than you. Do the 180 thing for yourself and stick to it. She knows you love her but does she know what it feels like if you dont give a crap about her. Reverse things. Tell her you agree that seperation is good. Tell her you need time for yourself. I am doing this right now, it took a while but im really starting to feel good about myself. No body wants a needy crybaby. She cannot want something she already has. Im not doing this for her, its for me.

 

Ill tell you for a fact that since i did the 180 my wife has been spying on my facebook. I deleted her from mine but she is adding my ex girlfriends to my sons. lol Conversations should only be about your kids. Nothing else. Your wordings to her should be short and business like. I did this as well and now my wife is starting to say things like thank you. She never did this before.

 

Do it!!!

[HopelessinDTW]

habs, thanks for your advice. I am trying to keep things as civil and business like as possible. But, she's the one who brought the OM to the house after just having sex with him in a hotel room. You seem to think she's going to come around, or somehow get back with me?? I seriously doubt this...she's the type of person who would rather cut her left arm off than admit anything she did was wrong, much less come back to me.

 

plus, I don't think I can trust her since she has habitually lied to me while I was getting therapy to make myself better. Everything she said was false, and she manipulated me to thinking everything was my fault.

[habs53]

habs, thanks for your advice. I am trying to keep things as civil and business like as possible. But, she's the one who brought the OM to the house after just having sex with him in a hotel room. You seem to think she's going to come around, or somehow get back with me?? I seriously doubt this...she's the type of person who would rather cut her left arm off than admit anything she did was wrong, much less come back to me.

 

plus, I don't think I can trust her since she has habitually lied to me while I was getting therapy to make myself better. Everything she said was false, and she manipulated me to thinking everything was my fault.

Ok, i never realized that she already slept with the guy. Well i would have all her bags packed and on the front lawn. I really would. She feels guilty as hell right now. Trying to make herself feel better at your expense.

[HopelessinDTW]

Well, I thought about doing that, but she already served me the papers..So legally she's free to have relations with anyone she wants. I'm letting her stay in the house so that the kids at least have some form of normalcy through this process. When she asked me to move out the first time, divorce was not in the picture...so I agreed to her wishes. but now that we are in the divorce process, I need to at least get back all the expenses I am having to dish out for living outside the home. What are the consequences of her actions on child custody if she keeps on acting the way she is?

[habs53]

Well, I thought about doing that, but she already served me the papers..So legally she's free to have relations with anyone she wants. I'm letting her stay in the house so that the kids at least have some form of normalcy through this process. When she asked me to move out the first time, divorce was not in the picture...so I agreed to her wishes. but now that we are in the divorce process, I need to at least get back all the expenses I am having to dish out for living outside the home. What are the consequences of her actions on child custody if she keeps on acting the way she is?

Is the other married as well. As for the divorse paper,meh they are only papers.

[U2RockZz]

that really hearts to read, why did you move out...go back to your house and hire a PI (more of hacker) to get the evidence...this seems to be meticulously planned effort from both her boyfriend and her...taking you out house,serving you.....everything......i guess,this affair has long roots than you can think(or) at least more than one.....

 

but leave her nothing, ask the money you paid on her student loans...obviously she has gained nothing from her studies....if i can bet my BMW on it,i would....but this seems to be a preplanned event.....

 

get a lawyer ASAP....leave her nothing....claim whatever you can....but go back to your house....if she can't stay there she can leave.....do every thing discrete....if it turns out to be a preplanned event...then your lawyer have extra ammunition on kids front, i guess

Edited June 28, 2010 by U2RockZz

[HopelessinDTW]

He's been divorced for about a year. I guess that's why they hit if off so well. She got alot of advice from him, and she bought into it. I'm sure he also told her what to say to me, and to kick me out of the house. She used some BS excuse that I have an anger management problem...

[HopelessinDTW]

U2Rock, yes from the e-mails at least there was some planning. He did sort of manipulate her in the sense that he told her things that she wanted to hear. So, in her state of mind she quickly decided that he was better for her than me. Once she kicked me out of the house, the conversations between them became more sexual, and she was more than just on the recieving end. I have some of the e-mails, but my lawyer said that he will supoena her e-mails. The fact of the matter is, this is a no-fault state...so what's the worse that can happen to her even if she did start having an emotional affair before the papers were served?? they had sex after the papers were served, so legally she's not cheating...right? on the other had, she is exposing the kids to him and that will prbably not look good for her.

 

I'm going to try to get every penny I spent on her education. Plus if she wants to keep the house, she's gonna have to buy me out. It's all business at this point, I can;t let emotions get in the way of negotiating the settlement.

[U2RockZz]

this is not about affair or anything...it's about if there was any planning(like criminal conversation)...like taking you out of the picture,eventually serving you,planning on taking your kids away from you or money...which will serve in your case of custody or more, i guess....i am not a lawyer...but my father is....laws might differ from place to place but criminal and cyber laws more or less the same

[HopelessinDTW]

No, I'm pretty sure there's nothing like that. In fact, I think she wants me to be with the kids 50/50 for their sake. she knows the kids love me, and wouldn't want them to be away from me. But at the same time, when she feels cornered she uses the kids as a weapon (i.e. not letting me see them or talk to them).

[U2RockZz]

let the professionals handle it....i don't think you expected your wife would cheat on you...so let them hack his and her mails(alternative emails if there are any)....i don't think she would ask you to leave your home after having two weeks or 2 months of affair....there should be more to it....

Edited June 28, 2010 by U2RockZz

[HopelessinDTW]

there is really nothing more to it. She kept on telling me that she felt uncomfortable with me in the house. She keeps on claiming that I have anger management issues, so instead of making a big deal about it...i decided to leave her be at the house, thinking that my giving her space and comfort would help our situation improve. but, all along her plan was to divorce. So rather than make a big scene and force myself back into the house, I left her be so that the kids would be living under some normal conditions. But, deep down inside i wanted to take all her s**t and boot her out the door. She told all her friends and neighbors bunch of lies about me to make me look like the bad guy in all this. none of them realize or really know what she was doing in the background. but I know what goes around comes around. Like I said I tried everything from my side to get back together. But, she never gave me a final chance to change and make our relationship better.

 

I know deep inside that once this guy talked to her, and told her what she wanted to hear...the decision to cut me out was easy. It easy to close one door, when you know another one is open for you jump in.

[hurt and devastated]

let the professionals handle it....i don't think you expected your wife would cheat on you...so let them hack his and her mails(alternative emails if there are any)....i don't think she would ask you to leave your home after having two weeks or 2 months of affair....there should be more to it....

 

 

Not to hijack this thread, but I didn't think PI's hacked people's e-mail accounts. I'd like to know if they have that ability because I think my wife is dumping my kids off on me and having guys over at our house. I dont really want strange men in my house while it's still considered "mine".

[imagine]

Hopeless, do not follow your own name title. Expose the affair to family and friends. Make an attempt to fight for her. Now that she is planning a fantasy divorce -make sure that this does not happen.

 

Never see her again. Have the kids left at her folks place and call the kids to come to you. Her parents are enablers and you are NOT doing anything to defend yourself.

 

Get off your butt and go and pick up your man card.

[Windsurf66]

Very nasty behavior from your wife indeed. I think she is doing all these intentionally to hurt you, after she had bottled up all her grievances all these years.

 

What can you do? There will always be evil in the world. There is nothing much you can do except to get a lawyer to proceed with the divorce, and gain partial custody of your kids and take back part of your money/assets.

 

Perhaps seek counselling for yourself, and move on.