Failed Marriage

[U2RockZz]

if you don't want to talk to her ,hire a mediator or ask help from some relatives....at this point there is no point in being nice to her...be what ever you are express whatever feelings you have through your actions....

 

if you think your kids might more attached to OM than you, let them be...cuz it's out of your reach...the only thing you can control is you.....

[HopelessinDTW]

Update:

Kids and the stbx are in FL...couldn't keep them from going since it was planned family event. My lawyer said I would look like an a** if I kept the kids from going. Ok, so I agreed. My lawyer asked her lawyer to get the itinerary and the flight information from her. Three hours later I get an e-mail from my stbx and cc'd to her friends and family that she's " going to be followed by a private investigator", and that I am "crazed lover". the rest of the e-mail was very sarcastic in nature, and basiclly trying to make me look like an a**. so you see my stbx is not very intelligent since if I was sending a PI, why would I be asking HER for this information...idiot! then three days later she sends me a picture of my kids playing with another with the title "Look how cute...". Ok, first you call me a crazed person, then you send me a pic of my kids as if to show me how they are doing? I cannot figure her out? Is she just really messed up, or is she doing this to just make me react. BTW, I didn;t reply to any of her e-mails, but did forward the first one to my lawyer.

[wrencn]

She sounds like she has a guilty conscience. And she's come unglued.

[HopelessinDTW]

She sounds like she has a guilty conscience. And she's come unglued.

Well she also knows that I am going to subpeona her e-mails between her and the OM. So I was thinking she's trying to be nice to me by sending me an update on the kids....but then she's been a b**ch so why would she stop. I know that she has a guilty conscience because she cannot even look me in the face when we "exchange" the kids. The only communication we have had in the past month has been via a few e-mails (only about the kids) and through lawyers (that's what she wanted). I get sick to my stomach when I see her because of all the crap she has done to me, and put me through. But, I'm trying my best to be the adult in all this, and am very cordial and positive around her and the kids. Moving on is very tough, but I am working on it...

[wrencn]

Be prepared for her wrath when the emails to the OM come out in court. My H hated hearing what he's done out loud from me in court. That's what caused him to move out. She's gonna say you are bad mouthing her, but she's not going to accept responsibility for her actions.

 

Moving on is very hard but living with a monster is worse.

[MJEW]

WOW...hopeless I feel so bad for your situation. I would be freaking livid for the things she's done, but to use your kids against you, that's wrong! Keep your fight within you and maintain and keep building a relationship with your kids, use your fight within you to help those kids because the poor things must be confused as all hell.....

 

I hate it when parents use their kids as pawns in situations as these.

 

I am sorry your going through this, just keep strong and FIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS!!!!

[HopelessinDTW]

Update: Well after the kids and stbx came back from FL, I had a child therapy session set up for my son (this is with a therapist my stbx originally started taking him to). We get to the office, and guess what...the appt was cancelled by my stbx! Guess why...because I told the child therapist that she was having a relationship with OM, and asked him to ask her about it. he told me she completely denied anything...so now she wants to stop taking my son to him, and find another therapist. I told her no way, and that I am going to take my son in myself, and told her she can join if she likes. what a b**ch!! I guess she wanted to use the therapist to make me look bad. but it backfired...as usual. The this past Sat, I was supposed to take the kids to a birthday party. Guess what...she decided to take the kids away...even though both lawyers agreed to me taking the kids. She said she "didn't know anything about a birthday"...bulls**t!! Needless to say, she just keeps on digging deeper and deeper, and I just let her. I am going to go for joint physical and legal custody, with hopes of getting more than 50/50 time. I am also going to go for the marital home...besides that she can have whatever the f**k she wants. before I was wondering to myself "how could this happen to me"?, " How can I live like this"?? i realize that this is all happening for a good reason, and that i deserve better than her. She's probably been lying and decieving me since we got married...i just never caught on until I put up the radar. Now the true person comes out, and I know that this divorce is right

[wrencn]

I'm sorry about what she's putting you through but I'm glad that you have found your strength!!!!! Keep it up!

[Chrome Barracuda]

You keep fighting her, she'll bury her damn self. Didnt BOTH sets of lawyers say you can take the kids, and what she do, disobeyed them and the SIGNED agreement.

 

She's gonna have to realize she wont always get her way and if she keeps doing the crap, she's gonna loose her kids by default anyways!

 

Dumbazz!

 

Do what must be done!

[HopelessinDTW]

She just e-mailed me and asked me to take the kids to a show in October during my time with the kids. I told her she needs to talk to her lawyer and figure out why she cannot follow rules. she has the balls to ask me to take the kids somewhere during my time, when she hasn't obeyed my time with them?? I mean what the hell is wrong with her!! She must think I am just really stupid or something. Or she doesn;t consider her violations as being such?

[SRV]

Been there, in your exact position. What I realized and learnt the hard way is that you have to stop engaging her, especially now that you have lawyers involved. Have every thing spelt out to the letter and have your lawyer present this to her lawyer.

 

This is the only way you will keep your sanity and semblance of normalcy for you and the kids. Keep the interactions between you and her, even in terms of the kids to a bare minimum. It is only natural that you and her are in a tug of war of sorts. You push, she pulls, so best to stop engaging her, she knows exactly how to get to you. Good luck!

[SRV]

She just e-mailed me and asked me to take the kids to a show in October during my time with the kids. I told her she needs to talk to her lawyer and figure out why she cannot follow rules. she has the balls to ask me to take the kids somewhere during my time, when she hasn't obeyed my time with them?? I mean what the hell is wrong with her!! She must think I am just really stupid or something. Or she doesn;t consider her violations as being such?

 

In regards to her email, I would not even write her back, text her or anything. Stick to your agreement, if it has nothing of importance as decisions to be made jointly like school, healthcare, etc, I would ignore all of the other requests as the one put forth bu her above.

[You Go Girl]

I think you should have moved back into YOUR home, but I guess you can't get out of that apartment?

Did you ask your lawyer, because in some instances it is considered abandonment of primary residence, and she can sue for all equity if you leave. I know for a fact this is true in some states. Ask your lawyer about this. I hope you don't have a crappy lawyer.

If you have to, abandon the apartment and go home.

 

Your wife has had no fear for her actions because you so willingly left your home and children.

You need to stop the doormat stuff. I think you are doing much much better than you were. Now stop conceding anything else.

Hang in there. Definitely carry that tape recorder, this one sounds like she'd set you up and call the cops and make a fake accusation of domestic violence. Watch your back.

Go for 50% + her schooling costs. Go for the house. Go for 50%+ on the custody. Use the affair here--her actions show an instability that the court will pay attention to. Use the psychological evaluation of your son. Even in no-fault states the court will look at behavior of affairs as to how it affects the children. Having the OM in their lives during such a tumultuous time is indeed considered in child custody, because it confuses them, and is unstable.

Yes it's a full blown MLC, and I can promise you that this relationship with the OM will blow up in her face one day, and she will regret having lost you.

By then you will be long gone, healed, and in a new healthy relationship. It could take her years to realize just what she has done, and she is going to be very sorry about the choices she made.

You can't stop a train wreck--only try to keep your children out of harm's way.

BTW--that her parent's showed up for this affair prooves that this is the environment your W is from. She's going back to her roots. You were a step up from her upbringing and family.

[HopelessinDTW]

I think you should have moved back into YOUR home, but I guess you can't get out of that apartment?

Did you ask your lawyer, because in some instances it is considered abandonment of primary residence, and she can sue for all equity if you leave. I know for a fact this is true in some states. Ask your lawyer about this. I hope you don't have a crappy lawyer.

If you have to, abandon the apartment and go home.

 

Your wife has had no fear for her actions because you so willingly left your home and children.

You need to stop the doormat stuff. I think you are doing much much better than you were. Now stop conceding anything else.

Hang in there. Definitely carry that tape recorder, this one sounds like she'd set you up and call the cops and make a fake accusation of domestic violence. Watch your back.

Go for 50% + her schooling costs. Go for the house. Go for 50%+ on the custody. Use the affair here--her actions show an instability that the court will pay attention to. Use the psychological evaluation of your son. Even in no-fault states the court will look at behavior of affairs as to how it affects the children. Having the OM in their lives during such a tumultuous time is indeed considered in child custody, because it confuses them, and is unstable.

Yes it's a full blown MLC, and I can promise you that this relationship with the OM will blow up in her face one day, and she will regret having lost you.

By then you will be long gone, healed, and in a new healthy relationship. It could take her years to realize just what she has done, and she is going to be very sorry about the choices she made.

You can't stop a train wreck--only try to keep your children out of harm's way.

BTW--that her parent's showed up for this affair prooves that this is the environment your W is from. She's going back to her roots. You were a step up from her upbringing and family.

YGG:

 

I agree the biggest mistake I made was getting out of the house. At the time, I was under the impression that we were going to work things out. by the time I moved out...it was too late. My lawyer said this is not abandomnment, and that I should not worry about it. I have already caught her lying to me, lying to the child therapist that my 5yo goes to. She keeps on using the kids as a pawn to get back at me for exposing the affair. Yes, I am going for all the things you mentioned, but as a no-fault state I think my best bet is to get >50% with the kids, both physical and legal custody, and then go for the house. She has done a number of things to get me angry and blow up. I never did, and always have a big smile on my face. She tries to push my buttons, but I don't let her anymore!

 

Her parents are pieces of s**t as far as I am concerned. Her mother has some mental problems, and is depressed or bi-polar. Her father doesn't give a crap about anything. My stbx even has told me she thinks her parents are horrible. In fact, when she first met my parents she was amazed at how nice they were...to me they were just acting normal.

 

To me she's a completely different person than the one I married. I almost think she is possessed. She let the OM manipulate her, and she decided to end our marriage by sending me an e-mail. To this day she cannot look me straight in the face. I guess that;s the guilt....

 

I really appreciate your advice, and hope karma kicks in at some point!!

[HopelessinDTW]

hey, guess what. Now she's got her lawyer to lie on her behalf! He's telling my lawyer he never had a conversation with him, even though they clearly did. Incredible!!

[LisaLee]

hey, guess what. Now she's got her lawyer to lie on her behalf! He's telling my lawyer he never had a conversation with him, even though they clearly did. Incredible!!

 

That is no surprise. After all, he is working for her. I have to admit, when my exhusband and I were going through the divorce I was the one with the dirty lawyer, though at times it was as frustrating for me as it was for the ex and his lawyer.

[BearMox]

wow HopelessinDTW.

 

My story is near identical. I didn't connect the midlife crisis though in the moment. Thanks for whoever posted that. No sense in getting on you anymore for moving out. My xwife went EA to PA trying to get me to move out. I exposed EA, and discovered the PA after MC. kicked her out. when she returned gave her another chance with a stern ultimatum. she filed. the year prior was a mess of lies, MLC and affair fog. When she filed it was no different. Being forced to take action in the route of dissolving the marriage because of her choices was tough, but I moved fast and with conviction and a zeal for equity and to see my kids best interests served. I saw a equitable and amicable dissolution executed. I spent about 4k in the process.

 

My best advice to you

1) everything your wife says is now 100% bs. You must only believe action -- what she is doing, not what she is saying

2) you will be the one who will determine the equity of your dissolution. not your lawyer or a judge. drive your lawyer towards equity.

3) your kids will pay the bigger price. always start with what is best for them in their upcoming new future: healthy coparenting in a workable 50/50 custody schedule.

 

 

My personal regrets from when my divorce was filed:

1) telling fringe friends the whole story. my x has a tough enough road with the choice she made and doesn't need any extra help from me to muddy her reputation any more than she has already. despite peoples poor choices you still have an option to love and forgive even when it is not deserved.

2) not having enough money to afford more consulting with my lawyer, forcing me to spend many many hours studying caselaw until I felt comfortable enough.

[HopelessinDTW]

wow HopelessinDTW.

 

My story is near identical. I didn't connect the midlife crisis though in the moment. Thanks for whoever posted that. No sense in getting on you anymore for moving out. My xwife went EA to PA trying to get me to move out. I exposed EA, and discovered the PA after MC. kicked her out. when she returned gave her another chance with a stern ultimatum. she filed. the year prior was a mess of lies, MLC and affair fog. When she filed it was no different. Being forced to take action in the route of dissolving the marriage because of her choices was tough, but I moved fast and with conviction and a zeal for equity and to see my kids best interests served. I saw a equitable and amicable dissolution executed. I spent about 4k in the process.

 

My best advice to you

1) everything your wife says is now 100% bs. You must only believe action -- what she is doing, not what she is saying

2) you will be the one who will determine the equity of your dissolution. not your lawyer or a judge. drive your lawyer towards equity.

3) your kids will pay the bigger price. always start with what is best for them in their upcoming new future: healthy coparenting in a workable 50/50 custody schedule.

 

 

My personal regrets from when my divorce was filed:

1) telling fringe friends the whole story. my x has a tough enough road with the choice she made and doesn't need any extra help from me to muddy her reputation any more than she has already. despite peoples poor choices you still have an option to love and forgive even when it is not deserved.

2) not having enough money to afford more consulting with my lawyer, forcing me to spend many many hours studying caselaw until I felt comfortable enough.

BearMox: I agree, at this point it's all about getting what I want from the divorce and providing a "normal" life for the kids. My wife has a close nit friends that she basically fed a bunch of BS to about me. By the time I found out about the OM, they had all turned against me. I don't really care...I don't need friends that will only listen to one side of the story. I am content with the friends and family I have. All I can hope for is that we agree on the way the kids are brought up, anything else she does is her problem.

[HopelessinDTW]

Well, we had another one of those e-mail arguments yesterday. It all stemmed from my complaint to her that she didn't let me have the kids to go to a birthday party. She keeps on claiming she didn't know anything about it..BS. Then she tells me I should come over to the house to decide what I want to keep and sell. I told her that wasn't my priority, plus who gets the house is not decided on...so why should I move my stuff out if at some point I might come back in. Then she asks me if I trust her with selling the stuff we don't want. So I reply back saying I don't trust her at all, and that she has lied to me from day one about everything (i.e. her affair, our separtion to "work things out", how she's been lying to my son's therapist, friends, family. etc. etc.) At that point, she replies with rehashing of all the things I have done wrong. How I wasn't affectionate, and how I didn't take everyone to vacations, how I ignored her...basically all my faults caused her to be unhappy. And apparently she's been unhappy for YEARS, and that our marriage has been effectively over for YEARS. So I asked why didn't you tell me in all those years you were unhappy, and that the marriage was crumbling down. No answer to the question...but more accusations more finger pointing...then she starts calling me names like "repressed homosexual"!! But never once, did she even say sorry for anything that has gone wrong. I mean she's the most stubborn, lying b**tch I have ever known. I can't believe who she has become...or perhaps she was always like this and I never saw it. Then she says I'm not sure if I ever really loved you the whole time we were married...even though she's told me how madly in love she was when we first met. So basically she just kept on rambling about the past...i.e. her version of the past...how I was not there for her, and how I didn;t treat her like a wife. And she still denies an affair even though I caught her cheating. just incredible. I mean how can someone be so caught up in lies after lies. There is absolutely not one ounce of honesty...and then she says can you trust me?? How about telling me the truth once in a while...the we can think about trust...Sorry, I;m just venting!! I just feel like a fool for marrying someone who is so cold, indifferent...no compassion at all for what I am going through. I guess this is what happens to someone in an affair...just a series of lies, betrayal, deceit. And the worst part is that the kids are going to get hurt through this process of divorce. And it's all becuase my stbx decided I was s**t after she hooked up with the OM. At that point, she decided she didn;t love me, and that I was evil. How the hell am I supposed to make sense of all this?? How the hell do I move on in life knowing someone can change, and become a monster so quickly??

[Guitarjeff]

HopelessinDTW, you have got to stop engaging her at all in these pointless arguments. Remember this: There is a real woman out in this world, actually living her life right now today, and YOU AND her are meant to spend the rest of your lives together. You are not only fighting for yourself and children, but your future wuth the person you are meant to grow old with. You wouldn't want to be with anyone else but that woman out there is is meant to be with you. I assure you, she is out there and she will be along when she is supposed to be.

 

Stop getting in these pointless arguments. You are done with this skank and don't say anything to her ar listen to anything from her unless it's about the kids or the business of getting a divorce. It's as simple as that.

[HopelessinDTW]

HopelessinDTW, you have got to stop engaging her at all in these pointless arguments. Remember this: There is a real woman out in this world, actually living her life right now today, and YOU AND her are meant to spend the rest of your lives together. You are not only fighting for yourself and children, but your future wuth the person you are meant to grow old with. You wouldn't want to be with anyone else but that woman out there is is meant to be with you. I assure you, she is out there and she will be along when she is supposed to be.

 

Stop getting in these pointless arguments. You are done with this skank and don't say anything to her ar listen to anything from her unless it's about the kids or the business of getting a divorce. It's as simple as that.

 

Thanks GuitarJeff. I just got caught up in the heat of the moment, and unloaded on her exactly how I felt. I just wanted to let her know how f**ked up she's, and how I know everything she's been pulling. I've been good for weeks, but yesterday was a weakness.

[HopelessinDTW]

Update: Just got a call from daycare regarding my son. He was dropped off with his sister. Today is supposed to be a day they spend with mom. He was crying when I talked to him on the phone. I asked him why he was dropped off there. He told me mom is "looking at houses". Well, I think what he really meant was mommy is looking for a place for the POSOM to move to from his current residence which is 1000 mi away. Well, it's not like I didn't see this day coming, but I thought she would have the smarts to keep him away until the divorce was final. But hey...I guess love this real can't keep them away from each other for too long..can it? Let's just say my "BAT SENSES" are now on full alert mode!

[HopelessinDTW]

BIG NEWS!!! I just spoke with my lawyer and he told me that my stbx is looking for a low maintanence condo for herself (and probably POSOM)!! So she wants to give the house back to me!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!! It's not official, but heck this should give me a leg up on getting primary custody...right?? I think she realized that she couldn't live in that neighborhood any longer knowing that she would have to face them eventually with POSOM liveing there with her. GUILT it's a powerful thing!

 

So, I NEED SOME ADVICE.

 

How do I use this to my advantage with getting primary custody of the kids? How do I go about getting rid of the apartment that I have leased for a year...ouch!?? Should I kick her ass out now, or wait until the divorce is final?? What do you think her alterior motive in all this is??

[You Go Girl]

Well, maybe she can't afford the house payments? Or maybe she doesn't want to live in the same place you and she lived?

She hasn't bought a condo yet, can she before the divorce is even final? You'll have to wait and see, she might reneg on buying that condo, she might be looking for this posom (I don't know what that is, but take it is the OM).

She hasn't said she wants to give the house back to you. She might want it sold, I did during my divorce. It was a case of if he didn't want me to have it, I didn't want him to have it either.

If you can get the house back, you have better chances at custody because it is the least amount of upheaval for the kids. No guaranttees though, just a little better chances.

If you want to fight for custody you have to prove neglect on her part, or at least have some argument to that effect. The crying son at daycare is a good start.

That apartment will be a toughy, you have to take the lease to a lawyer or read it very carefully and research yourself just what are the consequences for backing out of the deal. It may be a few months rent, or it may be the entire year's rent. You could always try sub-leasing, giving someone a deal, and if it's a difficult sub-lease market, then say a hundred or two less each month than what it would cost them.

So woah nelly...don't count on this condo chicken before it hatches. Just keep your hopes up.

[HopelessinDTW]

Well, maybe she can't afford the house payments? Or maybe she doesn't want to live in the same place you and she lived?

She hasn't bought a condo yet, can she before the divorce is even final? You'll have to wait and see, she might reneg on buying that condo, she might be looking for this posom (I don't know what that is, but take it is the OM).

She hasn't said she wants to give the house back to you. She might want it sold, I did during my divorce. It was a case of if he didn't want me to have it, I didn't want him to have it either.

If you can get the house back, you have better chances at custody because it is the least amount of upheaval for the kids. No guaranttees though, just a little better chances.

If you want to fight for custody you have to prove neglect on her part, or at least have some argument to that effect. The crying son at daycare is a good start.

That apartment will be a toughy, you have to take the lease to a lawyer or read it very carefully and research yourself just what are the consequences for backing out of the deal. It may be a few months rent, or it may be the entire year's rent. You could always try sub-leasing, giving someone a deal, and if it's a difficult sub-lease market, then say a hundred or two less each month than what it would cost them.

So woah nelly...don't count on this condo chicken before it hatches. Just keep your hopes up.

YGG: You were right. Now she's putting in a motion in court to keep me from moving in this weekend. She still doesn't want the house, but wants to keep it until the divorce is final. Well my lawyer will fight this since I have a lot of expenses due to me living outside the home. Plus the judge never signed our temp consent order for he to have use of the house during the separation. the problem is for four months she's been living there and I have been away in my apartment. BUT, if I'm to get the house eventually then wouldn't the judge want the kids to get into that eventual routine now rather than later? I guess I have to wait for the judge to decide....it sucks living in an apartment while she lives in a 3000 sq ft house.