HopeLove Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 Hi guys, I need your advice since I don't know anymore what to do. I wish I could do my story as brief as possible but is almost impossible! I year ago I started dating a guy 6 years younger than me. At the beginning I had doubts, specially because of the age difference. I talk to him and said I wasn't sure because I thought we were in different stages of life and I didn't want and endless relationship going nowere. He said that the age difference wasn't an issue for him and that he will have in mind the settle down thing. Things were going extremely well between us, we never had an argument. 7 1/2 months later, out of the blue he dumped me. He said he was even thinking about proposing me by the end of this year but he really didn't want to have children and that I should and at the end to breakup was the best thing. After a week I met him and ask him to try to work things out and he agreed. I also said to him I wasn't sure wether I wanted to have children or not. Things were good but sometimes I felt I was loosing him. 2 1/2 months later he dumped me again and again he said he didn't want to have children and settle down and cried. Maybe in 5 to 6 years but not now and he knows I can wait 4 years but not more to have children, which I only want to have if the ideal situation arrives, otherwise not. He said he took his decision and was not going to change it. He said he loves me and if it were for now he would continue the relationship but he just sees problems in the future. After 2 weeks of no contact I met him. He said he loved me and missed me a lot, was thinking about me all time and even cried and yet didn't want a reconciliation. A week later I met him again, this time he was a little bit upset, a beg him to start again (I know I shouldn't have done but couldn't help) and he said no, he didn't want to be with me and be single for some years. Then I started NC. A week later he send me a polite mail and the day after a text which I didn't reply, didn't go to a bbq we both were invited. The following week a common female friend told me he asked about me and said with used to see each other so often and now his life has changed and it sucks. The other weekend I meet him at a party of common friends. I was in a very good mood a let him to be the one coming towards me, and he did so several times, we had a good laugh and the same conection as usual. When he left the party though he was very distant. Last weekend I met him again accidentaly with common friends. We had a good chat and when I left he huged me. The thing is that I still madly in love with him and don't want to give hope up but I don't know what to do and if there is a chance he'll come back to me. I would so much appreciate any advices. Thank you very much! Link to post Share on other sites
earthfireuk Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 I went through a simalar kind of thing with my ex ex girlfriend of 3 years. She was alot older than me though. She was 36 when we met and I was 23. Quite an age gap to say the least! When we met it started off as being just a bit of fun but things progressed and we fell in love. At first she was the one who kept bringing up the age difference and she felt it would be a problem in the future for us. I was in the romantic stage of the relationship and just couldn't see that far ahead into the future. I just enjoyed spending time with her and reassured her the best I could that things are fine and that the age difference wont matter. I have to admit though I was wrong. As time went on she started talking about having children and the fact that her body clock was ticking. At first I didn't mind the idea of having children with her but as time went on i began to question " do I really want to be with this girl and have children with her?". The answer was no and after a while I ended our relationship because I just wasn't happy in our relationship. I felt that to stay with her and have children would be a sacrifice I wasn't willing to make at that time in my life. If she was the right person for me regardless of age it wouldn't have felt like a sacrifice. you see Children wasn't really the issue. It just made me think" do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person and kind of sped up the process of us breaking up. Our relationship was also frought with arguements and gradually my feelings for her faded. I know you probably won't like this and I am sorry if it hurts you but I guess what I have learned from my own experience is that when you are in a relationship with someone who is at a different stage in their life to you and things like the subject of children come up. It forces you to really question your relationship. If you need to ask me anything then feel free. Im here to help Link to post Share on other sites
earthfireuk Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 Im sorry i forgot to give you some advice on NC. Im currently in NC with my ex ( last Girlfriend, love of my life.. she broke up with me ) and i understand.. its really tough. She wanted to be friends but I told her I just couldn't do it as i'm hurting too much so am now on day 5! I would suggest that you just drop out of his life altogether for a while but it sounds like that is hard as you have the same group of friends. I would suggest just sticking to NC for a while. It will give you piece of mind, make you feel stronger and maybe he will begin to miss you. If you see him just don't give too much away and be seen to be having fun on your own. During the NC time, try to work on yourself. Take up a new hobby and excersise. It will make you feel so much better! He may contact you again and then you can take it from there.. or maybe when you are feeling better about yourself and happier you could maybe give him a call and approach the issue with a stronger heart and a clear head. Thats what i'm planning to do. I need to make myself happy and a better person and then try to sort our problems out gradually over time in a month or so, when we both have had a bit of distance from the past issues. Good luck and be strong. you can do it!! Much love Link to post Share on other sites
spyyder Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 I agree with the above poster. I know it's sad, heartbreaking and something that really sucks in life but people that are in different stages of their lives just don't work out. You can attempt to bring your stages together but it'll only be okay temporarily and you will have problems later on that will lead to break up. Also, it isn't necessarily because of age as many old people still don't want to settle and many fairly young people do. By the way isn't there a procedure were you can freeze your eggs so that you can have a baby later on in the future? Obviously its readily available for male sperm, but I think its also available for women as well - maybe something that can let you adjust down to his stage in life without losing the chance to have children? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLove Posted June 29, 2010 Author Share Posted June 29, 2010 (edited) Thank you for the feed-back. We actually had a great time together and never had any arguments which is rare but it was like that. Regarding the age difference, I'm 36 and he is 30. I think he had a lot of pressure mainly through his male friends a father which said to him that he couldn't play with me, either he was going to marry me soon or finish the relationship. I said to him that in my opinion he didn't love me enough, that when you really love someone you do anything otherwise he wouldn't ended. He said this was the same thing her mother said to him but he didn't agree, he saw it differently but also that maybe I was right... I have a question to you earthfireuk. Do you ever regret having broken up with her? Do you think that they might be any hope he will want to get back to me? Edited June 29, 2010 by HopeLove Link to post Share on other sites
earthfireuk Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 (edited) Hey, I think that what you said " in my opinion he didn't love me enough, that when you really love someone you do anything otherwise he wouldn't ended". Is unfortunatly probably the case. If he wanted to be with you then age (only 7 years, which really isnt that much of a gap) or whether you wanted children wouldn't matter. He would want to be with you regardless of all that. I didn't regret breaking up with her because I didn't feel the way about her I used to. I just wasn't happy so ended the relationship. I then fell in love with this girl who I believe is my soulmate (feel free to read my post). We then went travelling together so I was away from home for a few months. While i was away I did think about my ex ex alot though. I think even though I didn;t want to be with her anymore, she still had a hold of me in some way and I would find myself thinking about her and even having dreams about her. Still, just didn't want to be with the other girl anymore so I just knew I had made the right choice. I wouldn't go by my past experience too much though. Your situation does have similarities to mine but you must not forget that you are different people to me and my ex, so your situation will also be very different. I am still in contact with my ex ex even now as friends. Although i feel there are still feelings on her side which I think will cause issues in the future. Everything else aside though. Of course there is still hope but right now your number one priority is to look after yourself and your own feelings. Do not text him, do not call him, do not email him or any other kind of contact. You need to heal and then when you have done that, if you still feel you want to get this man back in your life then you can do it with better state of mind. Its funny, I have been in no cantact with my ex (the girl who just finished with me) for 7 days now and I can feel myself healing a little. I know that In a month when i speak to her again, she will have cleared her head and will be feeling better about things. I will feel more confident and feel better about myself so it will be better all round. I don't believe its possible to sort things out when both parties are confused and emotional just after a breakup. So allow yourself time heal and then get cracking on getting him back. Just give him a call in a few weeks and ask him out for a drink. Let him see the happy, wonderful, strong person you are and then you will be in a much better positon to get him back! Much Love, Edited June 29, 2010 by earthfireuk Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLove Posted June 30, 2010 Author Share Posted June 30, 2010 Hi, Well is 2 months since we are not together and there's no single day in which I don't think of him or miss him. When I saw him last weekend and the weekend before I was in a very good mood so he saw I was fine. In fact there are day in which I'm not too bad, but today is a low one, a very low one. I try to fight it but sometimes like today I just can't. Link to post Share on other sites
earthfireuk Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 I know how you feel. I feel exactly the same. every morning I wake up thoughts of her are already in my head and that empty feeling in my heart. Every single thing I do during the day, I am thinking of her. Sometimes I have ok days and sometimes I have terrible days but no matter how good or bad, she is allways with me. I just hope she will contact me to tell me she made a mistake and she would like to try to work things out.. but I know that it won't happen. The only option I have is to stick to not contacting her and trying to make myself a better person. The pain is so powerful, so full of energy that you can use it one of two ways. You can sit and let it consume you and feel helpless or you can harness it in a positive way to make your life more enriching. Believe me, im not finding this easy, its the hardest thing I have ever had to do because I love her so much. I have no other option though. The more I am in contact with this girl, the more hurt I feel because she doesn't want me in the same way I want her. Trust me, no contact is the way to go. Try to do some reasearch about it on the web. It's pretty much at the heart of all the good "get your ex back" and " how to heal after a break up" advice. Much Love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLove Posted June 30, 2010 Author Share Posted June 30, 2010 I know I have to keep myself busy but even though I try hard, I just don't have the energy to do it all day. This pain is killing me. I hope I will fake through NC. I check some links about "how to forget your ex" but the problem is that I still don't want to gave up hope though he never give me any. I want him so badly. I'm going mad. How could I let me feelings go so strong... Link to post Share on other sites
KafkasLastWords Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 I've recently realized that "hope" is just another four letter word. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLove Posted July 2, 2010 Author Share Posted July 2, 2010 After 2 months I feel like at the beginning. This is killing me!!! I don't know what to do, can concentrate in anything, today I'm even feeling sick because of this... Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLove Posted July 3, 2010 Author Share Posted July 3, 2010 Is it healthy to nurish some hope? If I shouldn't, what can I do in order to not to think of him every minute? If there is some hope, what should I do to get back with him? Don't think that just NC is enough. Any advice? Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLove Posted July 4, 2010 Author Share Posted July 4, 2010 I would really appreciate any advice. Thank you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moxo Posted July 5, 2010 Share Posted July 5, 2010 When my boyfriend and I met I was 21 and he was 30. I was still very young minded and he is quite mature and settled. We had problems for years and broke up multiple times due to being at different points in our lives. However, I grew up quite a bit after 5 years and now we are on the same page and things are going pretty well Everyone told me to give up hope but I held out and it's working however if you think NC is the best idea right now, some things that have helped me are deleting the numbers out of your phone, hiding any photos/reminders, delete them off social networks so you aren't tempted to look, and let your friends know so that when you want to contact the ex, contact them instead. I also found throwing myself into my work really helped - keeping busy is important. Link to post Share on other sites
earthfireuk Posted July 5, 2010 Share Posted July 5, 2010 How long has it been since you have been in contact with him HopeLove? Link to post Share on other sites
earthfireuk Posted July 5, 2010 Share Posted July 5, 2010 I have some literature that may be of help to you if you would like me to email it to you? I dont think you can send private messages on here though can you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLove Posted July 5, 2010 Author Share Posted July 5, 2010 He broke up with me 2 months and a week ago. The first 2 weeks I went into NC, than went to his place, had a good chat, he said he loved me, missed me, etc. but felt the break was the best thing in the long term. A week and a half later he send me and mail which I reply only the following day and he told me he was going to a bbq we both were invited but then texted me saying he was not going because he wouldn't be himself. I then went to his place again, on a Saturday to convince him to go to the bbq but he did not. I had to go so I said to him I would come the next day (Sunday) but he said he didn't want me to come. Well I went anyway because I though that all this was crazy and if we loved eachother we should stay together. He didn't like me going at all. Was very distant and cold, then I cried and never been that down before, then we even had sex but everything was so sad. I was so down! He send me a mail the following Thursday but I didn't reply. Text me on Friday telling me he was going to another bbq which we both were invited and I didn't reply and didn't go to the bbq. Later I saw the pictures on facebook (that's why I know what you felt). A month later we met at a birthday party. I was in a very good mood and "dressed to kill" . I let him being the one coming towards me and so he did several times. We had a great conection though when he went he said to me good bye in a very cold, distant way. A week later we met incedently in a bar watching a football game. We had a gd chat and when I went he huged me. Last week I send him an email telling him that I failed a exam I had, etc and after a couple of mails I said to him that we could meet sometime for a drink. He agreed but said he was very busy at the moment (doing what? I know his life and he is not that busy unless he's dating someone), and said that maybe this week or the next we could met. I just replied that we will find sometime to meet, nothing more, so now I wait if he wants to contact me. I can't ask him again. What do you think about all this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLove Posted July 5, 2010 Author Share Posted July 5, 2010 I would love the literature though I don't know if you can send private messages here Link to post Share on other sites
earthfireuk Posted July 5, 2010 Share Posted July 5, 2010 Well it seems from what you have said that you havent really had a true period of not being in contact with this man. Since you have broken up, You have been trying to go NC, but he has been sending you emails. Which of course got your hopes up and then understanably you take it a step further and go and visit him and become too available to him. You need to make him believe he can not have you anymore. If he thinks you are waiting for him on the sideline, he knows that he can just contact you whenever he likes and you will be there in a shot. This for him is very comforting and until he believes you have moved on and no longer want to be with him. I honestly believe he won't reconsider. Have your efforts had any affect so far? The best thing you can do is delete him from FB. Write his number on a piece of paper and put it up in your loft or somewhere out of the way. Do not reply to his emails, unless he has something to say thats worth hearing. When you see him out and he asks you why you havent responded to the crumbs he has been throwing you, you tell him sorry you have just been really busy. You want to make him believe he has lost you. Think about it. Lets flip it.. You just broke up with someone. They still have feelings for you and keep declairing their undying love for you. Until they have really gone.. i mean really gone. You wont have to really deal with the breakup because as far as your concerned, you can change your mind whenever you like. All you have to do is say the word and he will be in your arms again. You see right now, your ex is in control and when we are in control we feel safe. You need to take control of this situation. Make him feel that you have moved past this and are living your life without him. If there is any chance of getting back together this is probably the only way you will make him realise what he has lost. Haha, i'm going to re-read that. I need to take some of my own advice.. its always easier to give it Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLove Posted July 5, 2010 Author Share Posted July 5, 2010 Thank you earthfireuk, what I really want to know though is YOUR opinion since you've been in a very similar situation as he is or have been. Your opinion might give me another perspective. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
earthfireuk Posted July 5, 2010 Share Posted July 5, 2010 I understand your pain HopeLove. I know you are looking for me to tell you something that will spark hope in you but I already gave you my opinion in my previous post at the beginning of the thread. I want to help you but I just don't know what else to say. He broke up with you possibly because of the age gap. I did the same with my previous girlfriend but the age gap or talk about children wasn't really the issue. My main reason for breaking up was because I was not in love with her anymore. If he is still in love with you and wants to be with you, then regardless of age, children ect then he would be with you. If the girl who just broke up with me was talking about children in the future I would not have broken up with her. All I can say is that I broke up with my ex ex beause I didnt want to be with her anymore. If this guy wants to be with you then he will do all that he can to make it happen. You just need to do all you can to make yourself feel better and try to be strong while he decides what he wants. Until that time, I don't think there is anything else you can do. By getting on with your life, trying to move on and making yourself a better person you will be actively working on getting him back. That should be your plan, if hope is what your looking for then seek hope from that. Unfortunatly it's your only option but it's also the most powerful one at your disposal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLove Posted July 6, 2010 Author Share Posted July 6, 2010 You are right, I don't know anymore what is it that I want to hear. I'm so obessed with this thing that I'm starting getting boried about this issue which I think is positive. I think this is the begining of moving on or at least is what I hope. Is like if I'm wating for a miracle and he suddenly will realise what he has lost. Men are funny though. I have a good friend (we've been friends for over 15 years) and over 2 1/2 years ago I said to him I liked him more that just friends and he told me that he didn't think he was the right person for me, which I would translate it in I don't think you are the right person for me. Anyway, some months ago I though it was over with my ex bf and when this friend ask me how was it going I told him it was over so he met me a he practicly propos me! Another story: Over a year ago I had an afair with a guy. I wanted more but he did not, so he was honest with me. When I started falling in love with him I told him so and I also said I prefer not to see him anymore because it was starting hurting myself. He did not contact me and I was quite fast over him. Well, last week (after over a year of absolutely NC) he call me and we agreed to meet sometime for a drink. These things give me some hope that maybe also my ex bf after some time will want to get back to me and yet I can't go on hoping and hurting myself and yes, if he would really love me he would be now with me and not who knows where. I still think of him every day. He's my first thought when I get up and the last before falling asleep and although sometimes I feel so down I feel I'm recovering faster from this "downs" and 2 months ago. I try to be strong, keep myself as busy as I can but I still miss him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLove Posted July 13, 2010 Author Share Posted July 13, 2010 I really like something "Shakz" posted: We can survive for a few weeks without food, a few days without water, a few minutes without air, but not even a few seconds without hope. It is in what we place our hope that makes all the difference. Specially the last part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLove Posted July 15, 2010 Author Share Posted July 15, 2010 I'm starting to change my feelings. More and more I'm starting to have bad feelings towards him. Is this a sign I'm starting to move on? Hope so! Link to post Share on other sites
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