I only have guys as friends.. mostly

[cherry28]

And everyone's always been like "that's because they want to do you!" ..and I've protested but now I'm starting to see it more and more. But I don't want to lose the friendships because I don't really have any girl friends except one or two who are married w/kids and can't really hang out often. Plus, you know, I love them like brothers. Is there any way I can keep these friendships without seeming like I'm stringing them along or using them?

 

One has mentioned to me out of the blue that he apparently likes me and thinks I'm using him for my self esteem. Although I am I guess using him in the sense that I like to have someone to hang out with as a friend, I never considered that he had other feelings for me until then (well, I knew he liked me in low cut shirts but I didn't realize the actually LIKED me). I guess it was like a lightbulb moment. We actually both support each other emotionally and I don't think I "use" him anymore than he "uses" me when we are going through rough times (but I prefer the term support).

 

Can men and women really be strictly platonic when both are attractive and in the same age group? I prefer computer "geek" types because intellectually and socially we seem to have similar interests and mannerisms, but they seem to fall for me probably because I'm then approachable, not so much because they truly like me in that way. I highly doubt that they would want to stay in a relationship with me if we got into one, and I really don't think their feelings would be genuine just a matter of proximity. I don't feel entirely special when the reason for liking me is because I "am there." The thing I like about friendship is that there's not pressure and no drama, but then inevitably (with male OR female friends) drama does poke it's way in. Any thoughts?

[sumdude]

Seems to me you should work on finding some female friends. Just to have a well rounded life in general. Why don't you have female friends? Ever ask yourself that question... on a deep level?

 

To most men a woman with almost all male friends is a big red flag for a long term relationship.

[Feelin Frisky]

Seems you should be having some feelings for someone besides members of the fish and hunt club. What's up with that? How dare guys want you? You only live once. Maybe it's time to pay the piper with some sex. You might actually like it.

[cherry28]

Oh I'm definitely working on finding female friends.. I think what happened was a lot of the friends I had ended up getting married and moving away, and since I was always the sorta single fun girl we ran out of things in common, unfortunately. But I'm working on finding some like minded single-ish girlfriends (I have a bf, but we aren't going the long term route, I'm just not into that).

 

But even if I had some good girl friends, I wouldn't want to not have my male friends because I have given them up in the past for men and let me tell you--I'd rather be single for eternity than have to do that again. It was heart wrenching, like giving up a piece of me.

 

I wanted to mention too, that these are friends I've had for over 10 years, not just random guys I met on the street.

[Morals]

Of course they want to "do' you.

 

Men almost NEVER go out of their way make platonic female friends. Almost never. If a guy makes any effort at all to spend time with you, the odds are about 99% he has a romantic and/or sexual motive.

 

That said, it does not follow that you can't have male friends. All men, all through our lives, meet women who we find attractive but who just aren't into us. It's part of life. If your male friends are mature enough, they should be able to accept the fact you're not interested in them and leave it alone. If they can do that, there is no reason you cannot be friends with them.

 

Sooo...ADF...how does it feel to know that you get a significant portion of your post count upped by posting the exact same thing? You don't think that things are not as black and white as you claim to make them?

 

Seriously, if your going to bother giving advice, at least put some thought into it. These copy-pastes you do are getting rather tiresome. And before you even retort, if you are that lazy that you can't post a meaningful, thought out post that relates to the users situation...then DON'T POST.

 

And everyone's always been like "that's because they want to do you!" ..and I've protested but now I'm starting to see it more and more. But I don't want to lose the friendships because I don't really have any girl friends except one or two who are married w/kids and can't really hang out often. Plus, you know, I love them like brothers. Is there any way I can keep these friendships without seeming like I'm stringing them along or using them?

 

One has mentioned to me out of the blue that he apparently likes me and thinks I'm using him for my self esteem. Although I am I guess using him in the sense that I like to have someone to hang out with as a friend, I never considered that he had other feelings for me until then (well, I knew he liked me in low cut shirts but I didn't realize the actually LIKED me). I guess it was like a lightbulb moment. We actually both support each other emotionally and I don't think I "use" him anymore than he "uses" me when we are going through rough times (but I prefer the term support).

 

Can men and women really be strictly platonic when both are attractive and in the same age group? I prefer computer "geek" types because intellectually and socially we seem to have similar interests and mannerisms, but they seem to fall for me probably because I'm then approachable, not so much because they truly like me in that way. I highly doubt that they would want to stay in a relationship with me if we got into one, and I really don't think their feelings would be genuine just a matter of proximity. I don't feel entirely special when the reason for liking me is because I "am there." The thing I like about friendship is that there's not pressure and no drama, but then inevitably (with male OR female friends) drama does poke it's way in. Any thoughts?

 

Cherry I can relate. There are times in life where you will find yourself going "oh, I never realized". There are guys out there who will only befriend you in terms of attempting to be in a relationship with you. However, unlike other posters...*cough*...I don't think that percentage is nearly as high as they would like it to make it out to be.

 

The idea behind friends of the opposite sex is that you will naturally grow over time with them emotionally. One might say it's natural that one or two may even fall for you (or vice versa!). The idea behind that is it's hard to delineate boundaries between really good friends of the opposite sex. Sure, casual acquaintances, friends...these might never go further.

 

But really close male friends might change levels of relationship. The mature thing for HIM to do is recognize his feelings for you. Maybe he only wanted to be friends with you at first, but as time went on, found out that he really liked you. Can you blame him for being honest with his feelings? You would do the same given the opposing situation wouldn't you?

[Morals]

I do repeat myself a lot, but only because the same kinds of questions get asked again and again. And again.

 

Sorry, bud, but you ain't the boss of me. I can post whatever I want, as often as I want, and there's not a dang thing you can do about it.

 

Yea, you are right. I can't. However, I'm pretty sure that the copy-pastes you are putting in the threads isn't exactly helping either. Let me rephrase it another way...

 

The same threads are going to be asked again, and again, and again. Because people have kids, and those kids grow up, and those kids encounter the same situations we did. These threads aren't going to just "up and go away" magically. They never will. That's just life. My point is you seem to think they will, so you copy-paste in the hopes that people will just start following your advice and that the threads will go away.

 

You know how much people like non-tailored responses? They don't. Think about any time you have gotten a "canned" response from any help desk, or service department. Didn't it slightly annoy you? Even kind of piss you off that the person can't even try to make the "canned" response somewhat personalized?

 

Your sense of entitlement about posting is misplaced though. You are correct, you do have a right to post, but you have a responsability to post sensibly. What that means is trying to empathize with the poster, try to at least see where they are coming from. Even if you can't, at the worst, agreeing to disagree. Nothing in life is black and white as you try to make it out to be. Not even laws of the land.

 

I mean even if we break down what you claim to be your statement. You state that men almost never go out of their way to make friends, you even claim that 99% of the men out there are looking for a sexual fling. Based on what? These boards? Your experiences?

 

Who are you to claim such a broad generalization for all of men? I don't agree with you. I'm pretty sure if a poll feature were implemented we might find out that based on JUST THESE boards alone, that more then 2% of the men here are friends just to have a sexual fling with girls.

 

But even if we did find more then 2% that would skew your ratio right there wouldn't it? (98%).

 

You even claim that if the male friends are "mature enough" they will accept the fact that the female isn't interested in them and leave them alone. Right there you already assume that she will reject the guy, which it's not our place to assume, it's up to the woman to decide. And secondly your statement is percieved as if a guy liking a girl he was friends with is some loathesome act that should never have even been thought of in the first place...

 

And yet aren't men AND women told all the time on these boards that they should get confidence, ask the other person out, go for what you want, don't be timid, etc etc ad naseum?

 

Now you may not agree with that line of thinking, and I respect that, for what it's worth...But it's not anywhere at all out of line for a guy to inadvertently like a girl he has been friends with. How he reacts to a possible negative situation resulting in communicating that desire;however, is what seperates the chaff from the wheat.

 

Again, it's your right to post here, but posting sensibly and empathizing with the poster is what makes these boards great.

 

http://www.empathy-and-listening-skills.info/

[sumdude]

The thing about having friend of the opposite sex? Many times one or the other does wish for more. Yet is willing to accept in a mature way that it may not happen, yet still holding out hope somewhere. I've been around a little, married and divorced. Know big heartbreak. What I've learned is that the best mate will be my best friend who also happens to be my lover.

 

OP you might want to take a second look at your male friends. One of them might be worth a shot.

[Yamaha]

What I've learned is that the best mate will be my best friend who also happens to be my lover.

 

Spot on. Most people pick their friends better than their romantic interests.

 

I guess that sexual chemistry is soooo strong we just ignore all the other elements that make up the whole person when picking a lover.