confusedinkansas Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 My EX AP is back to his old tricks. About 3 months ago I posted that he had emailed me - Plain & Simple << How U doin'? >> Well - today I got a message on Facebook (No We are not friends on FB) Message Reads: Drink for old times sake? How U Doin'? HOLY CRAP!!! What is wrong with people? Do they not think that if someone has ignored every single email they have attempted to send, as well as text messages........WTF!! Why on earth to ex affair partners feel it is necessary to contact after all this time............SHEESH............... I'm venting - But seriously - Does anyone else out there have an EX that just simply will not go away? Do I need to respond to the email...No - Not interested in drinks...I'm fine. Thanks for asking!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 My EX AP is back to his old tricks. About 3 months ago I posted that he had emailed me - Plain & Simple << How U doin'? >> Well - today I got a message on Facebook (No We are not friends on FB) Message Reads: Drink for old times sake? How U Doin'? HOLY CRAP!!! What is wrong with people? Do they not think that if someone has ignored every single email they have attempted to send, as well as text messages........WTF!! Why on earth to ex affair partners feel it is necessary to contact after all this time............SHEESH............... I'm venting - But seriously - Does anyone else out there have an EX that just simply will not go away? Do I need to respond to the email...No - Not interested in drinks...I'm fine. Thanks for asking!!!!!!! I think the standard advice would be to ignore going along with the 100% no contact advice some like to give. I have a difficult time totally ignoring a message and I would probably send exactly what you said and perhaps add "I would appreciate it if you would not contact me again." Link to post Share on other sites
scotlandgirl18 Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 You should tell him you will go for drinks then turn up with a load of mates and totally ignore the fact tha hes n the same bar as you. Show him that you have a life without him and its 10 times better, your happy and enjoying yourself without him. He will soon take the hint and leave you alone, Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 Why do you think he believes he's still got a "way in"? What reason does he have to believe that you'd still re-engage with him? (I'm not saying that you would...I'm just asking you to think about what might be giving him the message that makes him think you might?) Have you set a clear, outstandingly obvious boundary to him that shows him clearly and incontrovertibly that the affair is over and you'll never, ever consider it again? Has he "suffered a consequence" for having had the affair with you (as in had the affair exposed to his friends/family/co-workers, or received a letter from you and your H indicating that if he came near you again you'd file an RO?)? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 28, 2010 Author Share Posted June 28, 2010 Why do you think he believes he's still got a "way in"? What reason does he have to believe that you'd still re-engage with him? (I'm not saying that you would...I'm just asking you to think about what might be giving him the message that makes him think you might?) Have you set a clear, outstandingly obvious boundary to him that shows him clearly and incontrovertibly that the affair is over and you'll never, ever consider it again? Has he "suffered a consequence" for having had the affair with you (as in had the affair exposed to his friends/family/co-workers, or received a letter from you and your H indicating that if he came near you again you'd file an RO?)? No - he has no reason & I have given him no reason to think that he may have any chance with me again. Nor have I contacted him - At all. When he does this - it comes completely out of the blue. Personally if someone ignores me - I get the message LOUD & CLEAR & back off. (apparently he is not reading the signals the same way that I do & did) As for "Suffer the consequences"...There were no consequences to suffer anyway. He had divorced mid-way thru the affair. He is self employed so there are no Co-Workers to rat him out to....etc. He was seeing someone else when we tried the "Let's just be friends gig" which did not work. The last time I saw him, spoke with him, face to face was 1 1/2 Years ago. That very night I sent him an email which he IGNORED. I have not spoken to him, emailed him, texted him - Nothing since that day. He is the one that is making the contact. I saw no need at all after that final email to contact him again with a formal letter telling him to F-OFF. (so to speak) Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 A guy (or a girl for that matter) generally doesn't drop an invitation like that unless they think it's going to work. Most people hate rejection...even silent rejection. For some reason, he thought it would work. I am not saying that you intentionally or unintentionally gave him any indications that it might work. I do believe that a lot of guys think along the lines of "Well, she cheated before, so she might cheat again.". I think its one reason why you see guys hit on a woman that they know just ended an affair, for example. Does OM know that you completely, totally re-committed to your marriage? Have you considered sending him a really, really harsh email telling him that if he ever considers contacting you again, you'll get a restraining order? Sometimes the only "hint" some guys take is getting run over with a car. What has your H said on the subject of this guy's recent attempts to re-engage you? Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 Do I need to respond to the email...No - Not interested in drinks...I'm fine. Thanks for asking!!!!!!! Since he's persistant, I'd probably respond with: 'I do not want any contact with you. Do not attempt to reach me again'. No "please" no "thank-you" just curt, blunt and to the point. Link to post Share on other sites
OFGnomore Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 (edited) A guy (or a girl for that matter) generally doesn't drop an invitation like that unless they think it's going to work. Most people hate rejection...even silent rejection. For some reason, he thought it would work. I am not saying that you intentionally or unintentionally gave him any indications that it might work. I do believe that a lot of guys think along the lines of "Well, she cheated before, so she might cheat again.". I think its one reason why you see guys hit on a woman that they know just ended an affair, for example. Does OM know that you completely, totally re-committed to your marriage? Have you considered sending him a really, really harsh email telling him that if he ever considers contacting you again, you'll get a restraining order? Sometimes the only "hint" some guys take is getting run over with a car. What has your H said on the subject of this guy's recent attempts to re-engage you? I think people come back to reengage when they HAVE NOT received a clear enough message to NEVER contact them again. Ignoring people alone doesn't work for certain types. He's one of them. It's very simple: 1. Harsh email. Threatening a RO. Really shouldn't be more than a few sentences. 2. Then ignore. 3. If he persists, then follow thru with legal action. And let your H and lawyer do all the contact with him. I dunno, Im beginning to think any WS not willing to take harsh proactive action actually enjoys the contact as an ego boost. e.g. "Mr. Defensive" who puts smiley face icons after announcing to the forum his xOW left him a voice mail and visits his work web page. YMMV. Edited June 29, 2010 by OFGnomore Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 29, 2010 Author Share Posted June 29, 2010 Well, this morning as I"m reading the responses here - I had an A-Ha moment......the WHY NOW came to me. It's been 5 years this month since we met. That's the only reason I can think of as to why he would contact me now. Does OM know that you completely, totally re-committed to your marriage? I don't know how he could NOT know. (& it's really not his business one way or the other as far as that goes) - Besides that HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! Same married girlfriend he was seeing when he & I tried to be "Friends"......Which DOES NOT WORK - BTW! I dunno, I beginning to think any WS not willing to take harsh proactive action actually enjoys the contact as an ego boost. No ego boost. I choose to ignore him for 1) Advice given here in LS 2) my own gut told me that he would eventually get it & stop contacting me 3) I shouldn't have to explain my life to him As for a "harsh" email. Well, sure I suppose that I could do that - but I am not really sure how to go about it without sounding like a bitch. I refuse to stoop to a level that I have to be like that (it's not my character & I won't do it.) My initial thought on a reaponse is.............. No, I am not interested in having a cocktail with you, but thank you for the invitation. My life is great! Things couldn't be better. (Notice, no question on how he is doing - therefore, he should not respond....Right????) Could always add as a final tag line...........Perhaps I should forward this email to M (his current girlfriend) perhaps she'd be thrilled to know that you're contacting me again .... Ha Ha LOL LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 What's your H's recommendation on how to deal with this renewed contact attempt? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 29, 2010 Author Share Posted June 29, 2010 (edited) What's your H's recommendation on how to deal with this renewed contact attempt? Because of circumstances last evening I was unable to tell him & he leaves before I get up in the morning. Guess I'll letcha know when I tell him. Frankly, by the time I got home last night I had forgotten about it. That's how insignificant he is to me. I don't even give him so much as a glancing thought for weeks or months at a time. This morning when I logged back into Facebook & saw it there, it's like.........Confusion.....WTF......What are you thinking? - those are the things that go thru my mind. Edited June 29, 2010 by confusedinkansas Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 I take it you haven't done what i suggested and let your husband be the one to answer him back? oh well, expect more of the same and deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 Because of circumstances last evening I was unable to tell him & he leaves before I get up in the morning. Guess I'll letcha know when I tell him. Frankly, by the time I got home last night I had forgotten about it. That's how insignificant he is to me. I don't even give him so much as a glancing thought for weeks or months at a time. This morning when I logged back into Facebook & saw it there, it's like.........Confusion.....WTF......What are you thinking? - those are the things that go thru my mind. It might well be insignificant to you at this point. But I'd caution you that it's not likely to be so to your H. You should let him know ASAP, so that he doesn't feel like you've held this back for some reason from him. If I'd found evidence that OM tried to contact my wife, even after the number of years it's been since we've been recovered...and then found out that she hadn't told me right away, I'd be hurt and angry. Just bear in mind that he's likely to prioritize this a little differently than you do. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 Show your H the message on facebook so he knows you are not hiding anything----and just ignore it------stop letting it bother you----the guys a scumbag, and hes taking a shot to see if you are in a weak moment----just forget about him----if there is nothing there for him, then you shouldn't be having this tantrum----- Link to post Share on other sites
U2RockZz Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 I take it you haven't done what i suggested and let your husband be the one to answer him back? oh well, expect more of the same and deal with it. i don't think her H knows about the A...her previous threads suggest that her H knows half truths about the A....so i don't think showing her H would work for her...she can't give a clue to him Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 29, 2010 Author Share Posted June 29, 2010 Dex - No I haven't "Let" my husband answer because his take on it the last time it happened was to ...."Let it go & ignore it". So I did just that. I kinda know what he'll say this time - He'll say, answer him - simply & then block him from Facebook. Owl- I explained why he doesn't know just yet. We have a very full life. Last evening we had an engagement to attend. I'm not going to just blurt it out. Anyway......... He'll know. It hasn't even been 24 hours ago. I'm just in shock that someone could just out of the blue, after what happened & how much water is under the bridge could just continue to try to contact me. As you said Owl, we don't normally like rejection. He is just laying himself out there for just that. Maybe he's a glutton for punishment. But, in my opinion, You don't have to beat me over the head multiple times before I get it - This Person Does NOT Want To Have Contact With Me.....Deet-Da-Dee!!:rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 29, 2010 Author Share Posted June 29, 2010 No, I'm sorry, but I have no interest in having a drink with you. There is nothing that I need to say to you that hasn't already been said. Honestly, I can't imagine you have anything to say to me either. If I remember correctly, we tried the "lets be friends gig" In case you forgot - It didn't work. I am living a drama free life for the first time in many years & I am finally happy. Happier than I ever thought was possible. If you're still with M, I can't even imagine why you continue to email me. The fact that I have not answered any emails before now......I would think should tell you that I am done. If there was doubt before, there shouldn't be now. I wish you nothing but happiness & the best in life. What do you think LoveShackers......how's that sound as an EXIT EMAIL!! Modifications will be considered. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 I think it's on the money. Just remove the "I'm sorry" from the first sentence, and the "I wish you..." later on. Also, mention your H. Make sure that this guy clearly hears that this isn't just "CIK"...but that your MARRIAGE is stronger than ever, and that he clearly has no place in your life given that. Just my recommendations. Bottom line, it's got the right 'tone' overall. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 I absolutely echo Owl's recommendations. Out with the "I'm sorry"....(What are you 'sorry' for?) and definitely out with the "I wish you...." Don't wish him anything of the kind. To do so, would imply that meeting him would be safe and painless... Yup. Take them out and serve the remainder on a bed of last week's lettuce. Link to post Share on other sites
strawberrysprinkles Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 Then block him on FB so you won't hear from him again. You won't show up in any searches if he searches for you again. Link to post Share on other sites
OFGnomore Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 Dear "Mr. Daft": I have informed my husband of your contacts and if you should reach out to me again in any way I'll take formal action to protect my family. CIK Fear of being a b*tch to a man in which the relationship could have destroyed your M? I think the above is firm, clear and direct, not conversational. No insults, no "stooping to anyone's level" just directive and unemotional. Your reply leaves the door open with quasi questions for your exMM and explanations of your happy marriage. But...I think you like this charade. I mean who really cares about your XMM's motivations or the kind of character he is to "not get it". Seriously... Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 29, 2010 Author Share Posted June 29, 2010 Fear of being a b*tch to a man in which the relationship could have destroyed your M? I think the above is firm, clear and direct, not conversational. No insults, no "stooping to anyone's level" just directive and unemotional. Your reply leaves the door open with quasi questions for your exMM and explanations of your happy marriage. But...I think you like this charade. I mean who really cares about your XMM's motivations or the kind of character he is to "not get it". Seriously... If the affair would have been as devistating as you make it sound like it was, then I would see your point. But it wasn't & it did not about destroy my marriage. Yes, direct & unemotional. I get it. It's not in my personality to be unemotional & he knows I would not seek any legal action. It would serve no point whatsoever. And I am not one to throw good money after bad for any reason. Right now he is just an annoyance. I think that my wondering what his motives are is pretty normal. As for liking this 'charade' you couldn't be further from reality. Seriously To the others - I like your ideas of removing the 2 parts you mentioned. You're right - I'm not sorry - what do I have to be sorry about. Nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 No, I'm sorry, but I have no interest in having a drink with you. There is nothing that I need to say to you that hasn't already been said. Honestly, I can't imagine you have anything to say to me either. If I remember correctly, we tried the "lets be friends gig" In case you forgot - It didn't work. I am living a drama free life for the first time in many years & I am finally happy. Happier than I ever thought was possible. If you're still with M, I can't even imagine why you continue to email me. The fact that I have not answered any emails before now......I would think should tell you that I am done. If there was doubt before, there shouldn't be now. I wish you nothing but happiness & the best in life. What do you think LoveShackers......how's that sound as an EXIT EMAIL!! Modifications will be considered. I kind of agree with OFGnomore on this. The above response is too wordy, too conversational and is worded in such a way that it almost sounds like a response would be okay. "If you're still married" sounds like around about way of asking if he is still married, and "I can't even imagine why" sounds like an invitation to tell you why. Not saying that you meant it this way but it could be read that way by someone who is looking for an opening. Why can't you just say "I'm happily married. Don't contact me anymore" and be done with it? Link to post Share on other sites
turnstone Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 I'm curious about why you hadn't already blocked him on Facebook and set your privacy settings so no one could contact you if they weren't already a friend etc.? Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 Why is it that you seem to want to answer the other guy-----cuz everyone tells you to-----the best possible outcome here is to totally ignore the other guy----do not give him the satisfaction that he wants, and that is continued contact of any kind----out of sight, out of mind----NO RESPONSE OF ANY KIND AT ALL Link to post Share on other sites
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