Would You Continue To Ignore.....

[JustJoe]

Surely I do.

 

If a former AP emailed me or texted me or whatever in the manner CIK has indicated, I would simply send him along his way in one way or the other -- by either responding nicely telling him I'm not interested or by ignoring all together -- and I would feel no need to run and file a report.

Perhaps that attitude is one of the root causes of your problems? Nobody said that CIF needs to "file a report", but a voluntary mention would do wonders for her H's piece of mind. Or doesn't that matter?

[Samantha0905]

Perhaps that attitude is one of the root causes of your problems? Nobody said that CIF needs to "file a report", but a voluntary mention would do wonders for her H's piece of mind. Or doesn't that matter?

 

Perhaps you should be concerned with the root of your own problems? I mean I'm just saying.......

 

How do you know her husband needs her to report these things to have peace of mind? I would think her constantly bringing up an XAP would do more to destroy his peace of mind. I know it would mine.

 

Or doesn't that matter? Why keep bringing it up?

[Samantha0905]

Sorry KIC!! I'll let you argue with the negativity/judgmental police for a while......

 

LOL -- apparently I'm confused in the southeast. I meant CIK.

[JustJoe]

If there is no contact, Sam, there is nothing to "constantly bring up", is there? CIK, BECAUSE you had an affair, any and all contact between yourself and the FAP should, as a courtesy , be mentioned to your spouse, as an expression of love and respect. I'm glad that things are going well with you, and think that continued openess with your H will keep it that way. Secrecy and evasion are for those who lack the guts to be open and honest.

[confusedinkansas]

Perhaps that attitude is one of the root causes of your problems? Nobody said that CIF needs to "file a report", but a voluntary mention would do wonders for her H's piece of mind. Or doesn't that matter?

 

In case you didn't read my previous post about my husband.....

 

My husband..........does not dwell, HE does not prod & poke about it. HE is a pretty great man/husband & dad. HE does not pout about this or anything else in life or that has happened in our marriage in the PAST. HE is a "move-on" "pull up your underoos & get over it" kinda guy.

[confusedinkansas]

because you had already made up your mind to renew contact. What do you need us for? If not for the drama?

 

I came here for advice. Did I like the idea that the majority of the advice I got was to be a bitch? No.

 

I had not "made up my mind to renew contact" - As I have said many times, for 2 years I avoided all contact. Ignored all of his attempts. This one time I replied to an email. Short & sweet. He then replied to that one, which I have not responded to, nor will I.

 

As for drama? I'm not very fond of it myself. I suppose you could accuse everyone that comes here for advice of the same thing. Wanting drama in their life because they keep coming here hoping for answers.

 

When someone is contacted in a manner that they did not request & have ignored other attempts for years - I just find it difficult to comprehend. It's my personality to want to know the Why's of the world. So, it's natural for me to wonder why he would do this, considering every other attempt was ignored. A default in my personality? Maybe, It's just who I am.

 

Sam.....Thanks for stickin' up for me.

[turnera]

Sam.....Thanks for stickin' up for me.

It seems a pattern here that those who've been in affairs always run to the defense of the cheater and wave sticks at the 'mean' people who ask them about their accountability and their level of consideration of their BSs. No surprise there.

[JustJoe]

CIK, I didn' slam you , don't slam me, OK? I gave you my opinion, if you choose not to take it, fine, but it was freely given. I admire your H and his ability to forgive and forget, but still think that openess/honesty is the best insurance of a good marriage. If you think that I'm against you, because I don't agree with you, then who has the problem here?

[Samantha0905]

It seems a pattern here that those who've been in affairs always run to the defense of the cheater and wave sticks at the 'mean' people who ask them about their accountability and their level of consideration of their BSs. No surprise there.

 

No surprise from you either that you perceived that to be what happened.

 

I think she did consider her HUSBAND. She's clearly just repeated to Joe what she had posted earlier as to how her husband handles things. I think his approach is refreshing after reading so much anger/bitterness here. Perhaps he wouldn't label himself as a BS at this point in time. Perhaps he has moved forward. It's a thought.

 

And Joe, I do not think she should be compelled to tell every time the XAP attempts contact. She's not being secretive or evasive. If she thought she should tell everything that came up or they came to some sort of agreement to tell every time there was contact, I could see where it would be seen as secretive or evasive. If she thinks it's not important or unnecessary and there is no such agreement, why should she? I wouldn't and as I've said before I don't think a spouse has to run and report in every time there is an incident. I think it's more productive not to report every incident.

 

And if she comes here to talk about her situation, seek advice or just hear opinions as she makes her own mind up about something, what's the big deal? Isn't that the reason this site exists? If nobody ever brought anything up it would be a mighty quiet forum.

 

You're welcome CIK!

[JustJoe]

That's the basic difference between you and I , Sam. I believe and practice open honest communication, and you believe that there are times when omission/evasion is acceptible. I can find no value in CIK sending the e-mail to the FAP. JMHO.

[Mimolicious]

Welcome to "Love"shack. It's a misnomer for sure!

 

Is she new to LS?

 

Because many are angry people who have been cheated on.

 

From what I can understand you cheated on your H, right? Was he angry that you betrayed him? I don't see how you name calling contributes to this thread. So you downtalk to people that have been cheated on... nice!

 

They want to say ugly things because you're not doing as they instruct.

 

She came here to ask a question and got answers. So what's the problem? Opinions are not uniformed and because they don't patronize with the OP's view that doesn't mean they are "Ugly" things to say. We are all adults (I hope). Only children pound when things don't go their way...

 

See. It is expected you take the advice given here by some. Silliness. You may not agree with it. We don't all always agree

 

Yeah, actually it would be nice to not have people post just for kicks...

People come here for advice and they get some. They can pick and drop as they pleased, but is given in hopes of helping the OP. Rather than stirring things up and T/J.

 

Back to the subject:

 

If I could find a calm way to email him & say what I feel then I would do that. But I can't come up with the words.

 

CIK- WHY? You think that if your H read this sentence he would be ok with this? Are you even over your exOM? You are not getting in touch with him because you are in lost of words? What about because you are done with it?

 

Sounds like you are being selective with what information your H gets. That's practically blindsiding him. God forbid your H ever finds the smallest trail of even a "F OFF" reply to your exOM, that he was not aware of. Do you have any idea how he will feel? He was already betrayed once! This will all flash in front of his face. Especially if it is with the same AP.

This could put the kiss of death to your M. Something so small could put a huge dent into your road to recovering trust in your M. I hope you see how omitting info, even if is the smallest details from your H is not worth the drama.

 

I came here for advice. Did I like the idea that the majority of the advice I got was to be a bitch?

 

What about be "NOTHING"? You have more to lose than to keep manners in mind when it comes to feeding into your exOM attemps to contact you.

 

You replied right? and He re-replied? (sorry I forget) Leave it at that! If you still somewhere deep down inside feel like you have something to say to him then be honest with yourself and honest with your H. Later on this wont be news to anyone.

 

Good luck! I hope that your reply was not in vain and keeps your exOM away for good.

[Samantha0905]

That's the basic difference between you and I , Sam. I believe and practice open honest communication, and you believe that there are times when omission/evasion is acceptible. I can find no value in CIK sending the e-mail to the FAP. JMHO.

 

I doubt you are a 100% open book Joe although I respect your right to claim to be or to even feel you are. You like to label my actions as omission or evasion and I simply think I have a right to privacy. I don't have to (nor should I) tell every thing that goes on with me to another person. Perhaps I save some of it for me and God. Some things I even reserve for just me or I tell a friend or something. It's fine and not a negative trait.

[Samantha0905]

 

Is she new to LS?

 

I believe the person who I was responding to may have been.

 

 

From what I can understand you cheated on your H, right? Was he angry that you betrayed him? I don't see how you name calling contributes to this thread. So you downtalk to people that have been cheated on... nice!

 

I'm not name calling. I said many are angry BSs. That's true in many cases. No, my husband wasn't real angry -- more hurt. He seems better now and is certainly being sweet to me. We're getting along well. Thanks!

 

I haven't "down talked" to anyone. I simply said some people seem to be angry and react negatively when someone doesn't do what they think "should" be done. When someone asks for advice I don't think those who offer it should expect the person to definitely follow their advice or think their advice is the 100% correct solution as we can't possibly know 100% what will be correct for the particular person/relationship. We're not them.

[Mimolicious]

I doubt you are a 100% open book Joe although I respect your right to claim to be or to even feel you are. You like to label my actions as omission or evasion and I simply think I have a right to privacy. I don't have to (nor should I) tell every thing that goes on with me to another person. Perhaps I save some of it for me and God. Some things I even reserve for just me or I tell a friend or something. It's fine and not a negative trait.

 

 

Are you married?

[Samantha0905]

Are you married?

 

Met him at 14, married him at 21 -- been married 28 years this year. Are you? I've had one six month affair. If he's had one, he decided to keep that information to himself. I don't think he has though. All people, married or not, have a right to a certain amount of privacy. I doubt any person tells 100% what is going on in their heads to their spouse at all times. I'm sure I don't want to know all of that from my husband. I would get tired of listening to it all!

[JustJoe]

I doubt you are a 100% open book Joe although I respect your right to claim to be or to even feel you are. You like to label my actions as omission or evasion and I simply think I have a right to privacy. I don't have to (nor should I) tell every thing that goes on with me to another person. Perhaps I save some of it for me and God. Some things I even reserve for just me or I tell a friend or something. It's fine and not a negative trait.

Yes, Sam, you aren't being evasive are you? Look at your own post. You mention at least 4 types of evasions and by even posting it are being evasive. As a matter of fact, GF and I went to a BBQ over the holidays and there were two ladies that I've been intimate with, in the past. I let GF know about it and went on my merry way. So , yes, I am an open book. If you were as well, maybe you would be able to believe that others can be open, too.

[JustJoe]

CIK, sorry for the T/J. I disagree with what you've done, but respect your opinion, and hope it works out for the best.

[Mimolicious]

I believe the person who I was responding to may have been.

 

You said "Welcome to LS" to CIK, No? She's pretty much a Senior LS'er at this point. LOL!

 

 

I'm not name calling. I said many are angry BSs. That's true in many cases. No, my husband wasn't real angry -- more hurt. He seems better now and is certainly being sweet to me. We're getting along well. Thanks!

 

That's once nice guy then. Best of wishes. Hope he never turns his sweetness into bitterness by ever being lied to again. People are not just borned bitter BS's, you know.

 

 

I haven't "down talked" to anyone. I simply said some people seem to be angry and react negatively when someone doesn't do what they think "should" be done. When someone asks for advice I don't think those who offer it should expect the person to definitely follow their advice or think their advice is the 100% correct solution as we can't possibly know 100% what will be correct for the particular person/relationship. We're not them.

 

I beg to differ. Yes, people give advice in hope that at least some (of course, not all) is taken. The same way that those seeking for advice hope to receive some. Otherwise, what would be the point? for support? Then that's not advice your are asking for. Your Financial Advisor, won't be of much use if you didn't consider their suggestions on how to make the best out of you $. Same concept applies to "from peer to peer" no?

 

Should the OP add a disclosure that reads: "I came here to ask a question and in search of some advice but don't expect any of your advice and answers to be of any help since they are not taken into consideration at all". Thank you- OP.

 

Whoa! What's the point of even asking or saying anything if it is discarded, since it doesn't apply to their lives 100%?

 

But you can get to a dollar one cent a time!

 

And if she comes here to talk about her situation, seek advice or just hear opinions as she makes her own mind up about something, what's the big deal? Isn't that the reason this site exists? If nobody ever brought anything up it would be a mighty quiet forum.

 

Yes, it is the reason for sites like LS to exist.

 

Let's try to understand something though... An A existed in this M, so it is chipped, exOM reaching out and being a pest can crack it, not being 100% with the BS, can shatter it.

 

I feel you SAM when you say it doesn't have to be "Say it all" but if this information one day surfaced, it can create greater issues later on. If it is so insignificant then why hide it? (I am speaking from MOE here)

 

Just like when like an A is on and popping. Once it comes to light, all those little "white lies" and "private details" make sense to the BS. A huge snow ball of sense.

 

CIK, I hope you can lead on your Happy M and your exOM eventually is no longer a phantom. This is why I said before, if you ignore completely they disappear. *wishful thinking*

[Mimolicious]

Met him at 14, married him at 21 -- been married 28 years this year. Are you? I've had one six month affair. If he's had one, he decided to keep that information to himself. I don't think he has though. All people, married or not, have a right to a certain amount of privacy. I doubt any person tells 100% what is going on in their heads to their spouse at all times. I'm sure I don't want to know all of that from my husband. I would get tired of listening to it all!

 

Sorry to T/J-

 

Me- D. I'm actually one of those "angry BS's" you were talking about. I don't deny it. I invested 14 yrs with someone that was a total fraud at the end bounced with his "Private life" at the expense of my mine and my kids. So yeah, I am "angry" if that is what you want to call me.

[turnera]

All people, married or not, have a right to a certain amount of privacy.

Which is the exact attitude that LET you cheat, and gave your husband pain which has been described as equivalent to or worse than rape or the death of a child.

[confusedinkansas]

You replied right? and He re-replied? (sorry I forget) Leave it at that! If you still somewhere deep down inside feel like you have something to say to him then be honest with yourself and honest with your H. Later on this wont be news to anyone.

 

Yes that's how it went down - I replied to his second email in less than a week. I do not plan to answer his reply. I have chosen to 'leave it at that' If he doesn't like that, it's his problem. Not mine.

There is no reason for me to email him or contact him in any form. I have never initiated anything since my final email to him 2+ years ago. Which he chose to ignore. (No it wasn't a Good Bye or NC email)

 

No, I"m not new here. Been posting for a few years I think.

 

As for the non-disclosure. I'm with Sam here (We seem to be a lot alike you & I) I think that it's just not necessary to know everything there is in your spouses life....daily mundane things, etc. I am positive my husband does not tell me everything that he does during the day.

Side Note: He has been for years a 'daytime drinker'..& I know that every now & then he still does that. Even though he is very well aware that it upsets me - his health is not the best. Anyway, he doesn't tell me "Hey Honey I stopped by XYZ Bar & had lunch & drinks with the guys today"...

Because he knows it would make me mad. - Men lie about this sort of stuff all the time. I know many married men who don't tell their wives about their 'bar' time. Cuz they'd be pissed.

So, does that make them a liar by omission?

 

Same as with this scenario with the EX....I won't tell him 1st, because I know what he'll say, 2nd, there's no point in opening this up again. Not because I'm afraid to have the conversation, I just don't see a point in it.

[turnera]

Of course you don't. YOU are the one who'd get slammed.

 

*sigh*

[confusedinkansas]

Which is the exact attitude that LET you cheat, and gave your husband pain which has been described as equivalent to or worse than rape or the death of a child.

 

Ok - I don't understand this comment - I'm sure that I'm reading it incorrectly. So that I don't post something that I have misunderstood.....Care to elaborate on that statement?

[Hazyhead]

 

No, I"m not new here. Been posting for a few years I think.

 

As for the non-disclosure. I'm with Sam here (We seem to be a lot alike you & I) I think that it's just not necessary to know everything there is in your spouses life....daily mundane things, etc. I am positive my husband does not tell me everything that he does during the day.

 

it.

 

CiK, it does stick out to me that one of these things was the second half of your affair, the part about which your husband didn't (doesn't?) know. I can see why it would be easy to be a 'brave through it all' type person when you are not aware of what you are dealing with fully. If your xMM is in any way vindictive, he may see the lack of action by your husband as a hint that he doesn't know and, well, he might just like to be the one to break the news. Having your husband back you up here might just get rid of him once and for all. The truth will out and it is better coming from you than xMM.

 

I hope it doesn't come to this.

[turnera]

Ok - I don't understand this comment - I'm sure that I'm reading it incorrectly. So that I don't post something that I have misunderstood.....Care to elaborate on that statement?

It means that the pain that the betrayed spouse goes through is so utterly devastating - because the BS gave his/her spouse all his trust and love and support, only to have it trampled - that they can go through serious mental trauma. That's where the term "Infidelity Diet" comes from - the BS can be hurt so utterly that they can't eat, sleep, think, work...

 

Of course not all BSs will react this way. But it happens often enough. And it reportedly - based on what BSs say - is akin to the worst pain you could possibly feel, even the death of a child or how a woman feels when she is raped. Look it up.

 

Waywards will often not understand this aspect of their affair's fallout - I see it over and over and over again, the WS minimalizing the BS's inner turmoil; because what got them into a position to cheat in the first place often precludes them from having the empathy needed; else they would never have gone down that path in the first place - SOMEthing would have stopped them before it went to far; and usually, one of those 'somethings' is the ability to understand their spouse's potential trauma and not want to be the cause of it.

 

But the impact is there nonetheless. I've seen people brush themselves off and deal with their spouse's cheating in a month; I've also seen people who still get 'spooked' 3 years later and encounter PTSD when they so much as drive by a place their WS took the OM/OW.