Would You Continue To Ignore.....

[Mimolicious]

Yes that's how it went down - I replied to his second email in less than a week. I do not plan to answer his reply. I have chosen to 'leave it at that' If he doesn't like that, it's his problem. Not mine.

There is no reason for me to email him or contact him in any form. I have never initiated anything since my final email to him 2+ years ago. Which he chose to ignore. (No it wasn't a Good Bye or NC email)

 

No, I"m not new here. Been posting for a few years I think.

 

As for the non-disclosure. I'm with Sam here (We seem to be a lot alike you & I) I think that it's just not necessary to know everything there is in your spouses life....daily mundane things, etc. I am positive my husband does not tell me everything that he does during the day.

Side Note: He has been for years a 'daytime drinker'..& I know that every now & then he still does that. Even though he is very well aware that it upsets me - his health is not the best. Anyway, he doesn't tell me "Hey Honey I stopped by XYZ Bar & had lunch & drinks with the guys today"...

Because he knows it would make me mad. - Men lie about this sort of stuff all the time. I know many married men who don't tell their wives about their 'bar' time. Cuz they'd be pissed.

So, does that make them a liar by omission?

 

Same as with this scenario with the EX....I won't tell him 1st, because I know what he'll say, 2nd, there's no point in opening this up again. Not because I'm afraid to have the conversation, I just don't see a point in it.

 

CIK- I know you can do it! I am proud of you for sticking to working out your M and for NC in 2 yrs. I know you can keep it up! Don't want to see all that effort being in vain.

 

Sorry to hear that your H's health is not the best.

 

Ok, I don't expect anyone to tell even when they fart- that's extreme! Who does that anyway?! The husband leaving the "Bar info" out the picture... Yes, it can lead to lying by omission if he says he stopped at STOP & SHOP right after work, but *forgot* to mention the bar stop!!!

 

Halfass stories that omitt part of the events are not exactly kosher, missy!

[Mimolicious]

 

But the impact is there nonetheless. I've seen people brush themselves off and deal with their spouse's cheating in a month; I've also seen people who still get 'spooked' 3 years later and encounter PTSD when they so much as drive by a place their WS took the OM/OW.

 

Sorry can I top this?

 

What about I have to drive by the place where he moved her to so they can conduct a walking-distance A 3 blocks away from my house when I drive home? YEP. Epic! How many times haven't I stopped at the stop sign and OW takes her sweet a$$ time to cross in front of me. Unreal!

 

Anyway. Sorry to T/J. Couldn't let the scenario slide.

[confusedinkansas]

Tunera - thanks for setting me straight on that.

I do get it. I understand that kind of pain. Other things can cause it as well. But thanks for making it clearer in my head.

 

Mimo - Thanks!!! & what a horrible scenario. That really happened to you?

[JustJoe]

CIK, like I said to Sam. There is a huge difference between mundane , everyday events, and re-contacting your ex affair partner. Normal stuff , no , you need'nt tell him about, but this is a pretty important person from your past , trying to be a part of your present. But then again, you haven't been exactly honest about the past anyway. I wonder how "laid back ", your H would be if he knew the whole story? So you're probably right to keep lying to him, it makes it easier on you.

[Mimolicious]

Tunera - thanks for setting me straight on that.

I do get it. I understand that kind of pain. Other things can cause it as well. But thanks for making it clearer in my head.

 

Mimo - Thanks!!! & what a horrible scenario. That really happened to you?

 

 

Yes, this happened (well still happens) to me. My exH, meet him at 16, M when I was 23, cheated on me for years and left with his OW. He moved her 3 blocks away from our home. (I'm surprised that he didn't move her to the basement ) She is someone we know. Has come knocking with her "possy", vandalized my car, property, threaten my kids, . Gotten her arrested, she replies back to his emails, hangs up on my kids if she is around and he calls them, blah, blah, blah (all of this before he actually chose to leave with her). And yes, I have to deal with seeing her periodically because of the vicinity. The list goes on... They belong together. The only greater pain to mine has been what my kids have gone through. I wish I could have spared them the humiliation of having such trash as a father. If I knew then...

[confusedinkansas]

Just Joe - Because he doesn't know the specifics of the 2nd time around part of my affair doesn't mean that he isn't aware.

I guarantee .... He knows - we just haven't discussed it specifically. And, we won't discuss it. As I mentioned - the affair & everything that happened to us in those years is part of the past.

He also knows that during our separation the ex affair guy & I hung out & spent time together. He isn't as in the dark about what's happened as is referenced here.

 

Wow - Mimo - I'm sorry! That's quite a lot to have to deal with. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Edited July 7, 2010 by confusedinkansas

[JustJoe]

He may not be "in the dark", but you haven't exactly turn on the light switch, have you?

[Samantha0905]

Yes, Sam, you aren't being evasive are you? Look at your own post. You mention at least 4 types of evasions and by even posting it are being evasive. As a matter of fact, GF and I went to a BBQ over the holidays and there were two ladies that I've been intimate with, in the past. I let GF know about it and went on my merry way. So , yes, I am an open book. If you were as well, maybe you would be able to believe that others can be open, too.

 

I'm happy you have a GF. Is that the XOW? I think it's rather egotistical of you to point out to your GF every woman you've ever slept with, but that's just me. I hope the two of you are happy together. I'm tickled I was asked if I was married and nobody's asking you what you base your how to be happy in a marriage posts upon. lol We all have our opinions, however, and I've not been a BS (to my knowledge) or an OW or OM. ;-)

 

You said "Welcome to LS" to CIK, No? She's pretty much a Senior LS'er at this point. LOL!

 

No Mimolicious. I don't think I quoted her when making that remark. I believe someone said they were surprised at the harsh responses and I replied to them. They may have said they were new to the site. I don't feel like scrolling back to find it though although you are welcome to. In any event, I'm aware CIK is not a new poster here.

 

 

 

I beg to differ. Yes, people give advice in hope that at least some (of course, not all) is taken. The same way that those seeking for advice hope to receive some. Otherwise, what would be the point? for support? Then that's not advice your are asking for. Your Financial Advisor, won't be of much use if you didn't consider their suggestions on how to make the best out of you $. Same concept applies to "from peer to peer" no?

I pay my financial advisor. And I understand the intent is to be helpful, my point is it shouldn't be expected someone agree with and take the advice.

 

Should the OP add a disclosure that reads: "I came here to ask a question and in search of some advice but don't expect any of your advice and answers to be of any help since they are not taken into consideration at all". Thank you- OP.

Your sarcasm is noted, but that's not what I meant.

 

 

Let's try to understand something though... An A existed in this M, so it is chipped, exOM reaching out and being a pest can crack it, not being 100% with the BS, can shatter it.

I stand by my reasoning for why there the OP should not feel compelled to tell her husband she received a message from former OM.

 

I feel you SAM when you say it doesn't have to be "Say it all" but if this information one day surfaced, it can create greater issues later on. If it is so insignificant then why hide it? (I am speaking from MOE here)

I wouldn't even consider I was hiding anything if it was of no importance to me. I don't think CIK has any intention of running back into the OM's arms from what she is saying to us. Why keep dredging it up with her husband when she has clearly said he wants to move forward?

 

 

Sorry to T/J-

 

Me- D. I'm actually one of those "angry BS's" you were talking about. I don't deny it. I invested 14 yrs with someone that was a total fraud at the end bounced with his "Private life" at the expense of my mine and my kids. So yeah, I am "angry" if that is what you want to call me.

 

I wasn't using angry as a form of name calling. I was saying that anger makes some posters lash out at others who have committed the same crime which was committed against them. I'm sorry for what happened to you.

 

Which is the exact attitude that LET you cheat, and gave your husband pain which has been described as equivalent to or worse than rape or the death of a child.

 

No, that is not what let me cheat. Thanks for your thoughts though since you don't know me at all.

 

I can't say being a mother that I would compare the death of a marriage to the death of a child, but that's just me. I've lost my parents and a brother, but not a child and I certainly hope I never do. I understand feeling violated by a wayward spouse -- your trust -- but I also would not compare it to rape. I realize divorce is high on the stress scale.

 

http://www.stresstips.com/lifeevents.htm

 

I can imagine a lot of grieving goes on after the fact.

 

My husband and I are doing much better. I supposed CIK and I have that in common also. I'm happy for her.

[JustJoe]

Yep, Sam, it's the exMW, in the flesh. She is divorced, working, and being as transparent as glass, so I have no complaints. We've made the committment to being completely open and honest with each other, and so far it has worked like a charm.

[turnera]

No, that is not what let me cheat. Thanks for your thoughts though since you don't know me at all.

They call it a wayward 'script' for a reason.

 

I can't say being a mother that I would compare the death of a marriage to the death of a child, but that's just me.

Yes, but YOU are the one enjoying the CHEATING, aren't you? It is your HUSBAND who has to find out YOU had sex with ANOTHER MAN. You have no right to decide or even consider how much pain HE would be in.

 

CIK, sorry for the T/J.

[Samantha0905]

Yep, Sam, it's the exMW, in the flesh. She is divorced, working, and being as transparent as glass, so I have no complaints. We've made the committment to being completely open and honest with each other, and so far it has worked like a charm.

 

I'm glad you are happy Joe.

 

They call it a wayward 'script' for a reason.

 

Who are they?

 

Yes, but YOU are the one enjoying the CHEATING, aren't you? It is your HUSBAND who has to find out YOU had sex with ANOTHER MAN. You have no right to decide or even consider how much pain HE would be in.

 

CIK, sorry for the T/J.

 

No, not enjoying any cheating. I'm enjoying the fact my marriage is getting happier. I haven't once tried to decide his level of pain.

 

CIK me too! I think you're handling your situation well if you're interested in my thoughts.

[turnera]

Who are they?

The people who make a living dealing with the devastation that waywards create and counsel and write books and study, and determine that waywards enter into a similar mindset once they go down that path. Go to the book store and you'll find any number of books all saying the same thing, because waywards become so predictable in how they lie, how they hide, what they use for justifications (rewriting marriage history), how they so often give the ILYBINILWY speech, how they cake eat...on and on.

 

It's a script because the human brain KNOWS that such a thing is wrong, yet certain people want to do it anyway, so they find a way to compartmentalize what they are doing so that when they look at themselves in the mirror, they've spun things around so far that they don't see anything bad looking back at them.

[JustJoe]

Why thank you, Sam, that is nice of you to say.

[Samantha0905]

The people who make a living dealing with the devastation that waywards create and counsel and write books and study, and determine that waywards enter into a similar mindset once they go down that path. Go to the book store and you'll find any number of books all saying the same thing, because waywards become so predictable in how they lie, how they hide, what they use for justifications (rewriting marriage history), how they so often give the ILYBINILWY speech, how they cake eat...on and on.

 

It's a script because the human brain KNOWS that such a thing is wrong, yet certain people want to do it anyway, so they find a way to compartmentalize what they are doing so that when they look at themselves in the mirror, they've spun things around so far that they don't see anything bad looking back at them.

 

Well, I'm a psychology major so I know people compartmentalize, etc. In retrospect, I know what I did was wrong, stopped having the affair, etc. During the affair, there was a fair amount of compartmentalization going on but I still wasn't very happy with the person looking back at me from the mirror. I doubt anyone participates in an affair guilt free or feeling very honorable.

 

I don't think one should dwell in the past for an extended period of time, however, and moving forward in a positive manner working on the marriage seems to be the ticket. The problems in the marriage were there before the affair ever occurred. It is productive to work on the weakness in the WS that resulted in him or her making the bad choice to have an affair. I also see merit in working on what was dissatisfying in the marriage relationship. I don't think dwelling on the details of the affair itself could possibly be healthy for the marriage. I still don't think CIK should feel compelled to tell her husband about the XAP contacting her.

 

I haven't read any of the books. I prefer a good fiction novel or history. I have read a lot of material on the internet and just reading this site has provided a wealth of information as to how the different parties in affair situations feel.

[Mimolicious]

 

I haven't read any of the books. I prefer a good fiction novel or history.

 

You should try reading some, especially if you're a spychology major. History- no one can change. Fiction novels- artificially flavored. Not real.

[Samantha0905]

You should try reading some, especially if you're a spychology major. History- no one can change. Fiction novels- artificially flavored. Not real.

 

Well, I'm not saying this to be smartass but fantasy is my favorite genre. I love getting lost in a well told story. I especially enjoy fantasy/horror like Anne Rice's books. I'm not big on self-help books. I do enjoy books about actual psychological conditions such as Autism, etc.

 

It would be nice if there was a thread here with book recommendations and reviews. Of course, I'm talking about the kind of books which you are suggesting having to do with relationships, affairs, etc.

 

I watched Jay Leno the other day asking people questions about Independence Day. I was embarrassed for them. One lady thought we gained our independence from Greece. Another said the Declaration of Independence was signed in 1922. :eek: There's a lot to be learned from history!! It influences our future!

 

I'm sure KIC is going to tell me to get the heck out of her thread shortly. lol

[turnera]

I haven't read any of the books. I prefer a good fiction novel or history. I have read a lot of material on the internet and just reading this site has provided a wealth of information as to how the different parties in affair situations feel.

Good to hear. I do think ex-WSs would benefit from reading such books, as it can help them understand what their spouse went through.

[Dexter Morgan]

Not entirely true. You ignore, eventually he will grow tired and stop.

Putting the "breaks" did nothing. She replied and he replied back. Going around in circles if she allows it. What's the point?

 

she didn't put the breaks on, she is treating him with kid gloves

[Dexter Morgan]

Which is exactly what I had done for almost 2 years. All phone calls, emails & text messages were ignored. Until last week. One line email.

 

My husband said this - for those that are so concerned about his wellbeing & the fact that I never mention him here.......

He is not mad that I sent the one line email. He said that I should just continue to ignore him. Which is what I intend to do.

The reason I don't mention him here is because he (unlike many here) has put this behind us.

 

well include yourself in the "unlike many here", because you seem obsessed with the OM.

 

Why do you mention the OM so much and your husband very little if you have "put this behind us":confused:

[Dexter Morgan]

I only bring up the other man when he sticks his nose back in my business.

 

wrong. here is just but one example. the thread where you wondered what you'd do if the OM ran into you and your husband and whether you'd introduce them. OM didn't stick his nose in your business on that bring up.

[Dexter Morgan]

It's terribly insulting to the XAP which the person did have a relationship with and unnecessary cruelty.

 

BOOM! And that was my whole point, thanks for making it for me.

 

nothing cruel about telling someone who is trying to bone another man's wife AGAIN to go to hell.

 

but you keep on considering his feelings.

 

I think I'm getting a glimpse of why your husband really doesn't care ..........because he probably, and simply, doesn't care, if you know what I mean.

[Dexter Morgan]

Sparks - thank you for sharing how you handled your situation. Hopefully she stays "gone".

 

Samantha - Thanks for your comments. I don't understand why some folks here think that just because my affair partner re-appears every 6 months or so (briefly) that I'm supposed to turn into an ugly beast about it. It's just not going to happen.

 

and that obviously is working out well for you:rolleyes:

 

ask yourself, WHY does he keep re-appearing. Does anyone else want to answer this question for CIK?

[Dexter Morgan]

No surprise from you either that you perceived that to be what happened.

 

I think she did consider her HUSBAND.

 

maybe you don't know her story. Cuz if she did consider her husband she would have regretted her affair, which she has said she does not.

 

and she was fortunate enough for her husband to forgive her for her physical affair, and benefits from his forgiveness.

 

but she made it clear she would not forgive him if he had a physical affair. so it seems that her husband is giving her the consideration and not the other way around.

[Samantha0905]

BOOM! And that was my whole point, thanks for making it for me.

 

nothing cruel about telling someone who is trying to bone another man's wife AGAIN to go to hell.

 

but you keep on considering his feelings.

 

Or you could say no thank you very much. Or nothing at all. I think it's up to the person concerned to ultimately figure out how to deal with the situation.

 

I think I'm getting a glimpse of why your husband really doesn't care ..........because he probably, and simply, doesn't care, if you know what I mean.

 

Whose husband? My husband and I are going away on two different vacations shortly. We get to bike ride, white water raft, go see a concert, etc. He's been very sweet lately and we both are getting along so nicely. CIK has said she and her husband are getting along very well and happy.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm not name calling. I said many are angry BSs. That's true in many cases. No, my husband wasn't real angry -- more hurt. He seems better now and is certainly being sweet to me. We're getting along well.

 

then your affair was a success. he is acting the way you want him to now.