Would You Continue To Ignore.....

[Dexter Morgan]

Or you could say no thank you very much. Or nothing at all. I think it's up to the person concerned to ultimately figure out how to deal with the situation.

 

and her not wanting to hurt his wittle feewings is working well so far:rolleyes:

 

 

 

Whose husband? My husband and I are going away on two different vacations shortly. We get to bike ride, white water raft, go see a concert, etc. He's been very sweet lately and we both are getting along so nicely. CIK has said she and her husband are getting along very well and happy.

 

no, meant CIK's husband. and the only way he really doesn't care or get even the slightest bit angry if the OM tries to contact her is that he simply doesn't care about much.

 

if I were to stay with a cheater, there is no way I'd have some flat affect, or "oh well" attitude towards a wife that isn't nipping the past in the butt with the OM unless I simply wasn't all that jazzed about being married to her in the first place. She said in one post that no all was roses, just not terrible, and that H simply had a could care less attitude about almost anything. And this coupled with the fact that she hasn't exactly come clean to him and stated she wouldn't forgive him if he did the same, but is eagerly accepting his forgiveness.

[Samantha0905]

and her not wanting to hurt his wittle feewings is working well so far:rolleyes:

 

ha,ha -- well I suppose this is where NC may come into play as very helpful.

 

 

 

 

 

no, meant CIK's husband. and the only way he really doesn't care or get even the slightest bit angry if the OM tries to contact her is that he simply doesn't care about much.

 

if I were to stay with a cheater, there is no way I'd have some flat affect, or "oh well" attitude towards a wife that isn't nipping the past in the butt with the OM unless I simply wasn't all that jazzed about being married to her in the first place. She said in one post that no all was roses, just not terrible, and that H simply had a could care less attitude about almost anything. And this coupled with the fact that she hasn't exactly come clean to him and stated she wouldn't forgive him if he did the same, but is eagerly accepting his forgiveness.

 

I don't think her husband knew about this last contact so he had no opportunity to demonstrate whether or not he would get angry about it.

 

I thought CIK had said recently things were better within the marriage and they were moving forward.

 

I didn't know she said she wouldn't forgive him if he did the same, but we all have things we feel we can or can't endure. I'd have to be in the situation to know how I would react, but it would be difficult to walk away from a long term marriage if my spouse was sorry for having the affair and felt he had made a mistake. Well, and was sure he wanted to work on the marriage with me.

 

I certainly know I would not have a flat affect about any further contact with the XAP. I'd be damn angry and it would be known. I'd probably walk if all contact was not ceased. Perhaps some carry their anger more quietly than others.

[Dexter Morgan]

I didn't know she said she wouldn't forgive him if he did the same, but we all have things we feel we can or can't endure. I'd have to be in the situation to know how I would react, but it would be difficult to walk away from a long term marriage if my spouse was sorry for having the affair and felt he had made a mistake..

 

thats just is, she said she wasn't sorry and didn't regret her affair

[confusedinkansas]

 

Oh Dex I was wondering where you were hiding. I so miss your off the cuff comments.

 

I thought CIK had said recently things were better within the marriage and they were moving forward.

 

Samantha - one thing you probably don't realize about Dex. He makes sure he remembers where everyone's old posts are so that no matter how much time has passed.......he can point out ALL of our flaws & bring back into conversations OLD comments. Whether they are relevant now or not.

It cracks me up.

 

You're right - at one point in the past 2 years I did "Wonder" what would happen if we did manage to run into one & other in a public place.....AGAIN...Because it had happened!!!!! -

 

Seriously - You're damned if you do & damned if you don't on this site. It is quite entertaining at times.

 

Anyway - Dex - You can "Think" all you want about my husband & say all kinds of mean things like you're known to do. Makes no difference to me. You don't know him - you only go on ASSUMPTIONS. On how you THINK people should react & behave in situations. Well, it isn't always as cut & dry in real life as you'd like to make it.

As for the X...couldn't care less if I hurt his feelings which is why I ignore his attempts to contact Go figure.

 

I couldn't ask for a better life right now so what point would there be to continue to bring up the past? NONE!!

..................Oh, ulness you're Dex.

[turnera]

I certainly know I would not have a flat affect about any further contact with the XAP. I'd be damn angry and it would be known. I'd probably walk if all contact was not ceased.

And, IMO, EXACTLY why CIK is NOT telling her husband the truth.

 

As usual, she is protecting HERSELF, not her HUSBAND.

[confusedinkansas]

I don't regret my affair. That is true.

Do I look back now & I'm pissed at myself for allowing it to happen? You betcha.

 

The reason is that if it wasn't for that & all of the OTHER THINGS THAT WENT ON IN MY MARRIAGE AT THAT TIME...........well, we wouldn't be as strong together as we are now. It's as simple as that.

[turnera]

Whether they are relevant now or not.

Given the fact that you DID contact your ex, and you DID hide your ex's reply from your husband, I would think that Dex's reminder is very relevant.

 

If you really really wanted him out of your life, you would tell your husband the truth and ask HIM to contact your ex and tell him to leave you the hell alone.

[confusedinkansas]

Given the fact that you DID contact your ex, and you DID hide your ex's reply from your husband, I would think that Dex's reminder is very relevant.

.

 

No I didn't contact him. He contacted me twice in less than 7 days.

At that point I did reply to an email. I did not initiate the contact.

 

So if I understand this right - if I would have said nothing - not replied to his email....Came here to blow off steam & ask what I should do........then I'd be in the right? 100% cool with the world?

 

Well, that's exactly what I did & I took advice & I sent a brief email. That was it. See what happens when you take advice here...........gets ya into hot water all over again!

[Samantha0905]

I don't regret my affair. That is true.

Do I look back now & I'm pissed at myself for allowing it to happen? You betcha.

 

The reason is that if it wasn't for that & all of the OTHER THINGS THAT WENT ON IN MY MARRIAGE AT THAT TIME...........well, we wouldn't be as strong together as we are now. It's as simple as that.

 

Yeah, I'm not very happy with myself for allowing it to happen either -- so I get what you are saying.

 

 

Oh Dex I was wondering where you were hiding. I so miss your off the cuff comments.

 

 

 

Samantha - one thing you probably don't realize about Dex. He makes sure he remembers where everyone's old posts are so that no matter how much time has passed.......he can point out ALL of our flaws & bring back into conversations OLD comments. Whether they are relevant now or not.

It cracks me up.

 

You're right - at one point in the past 2 years I did "Wonder" what would happen if we did manage to run into one & other in a public place.....AGAIN...Because it had happened!!!!! -

 

Seriously - You're damned if you do & damned if you don't on this site. It is quite entertaining at times.

 

Anyway - Dex - You can "Think" all you want about my husband & say all kinds of mean things like you're known to do. Makes no difference to me. You don't know him - you only go on ASSUMPTIONS. On how you THINK people should react & behave in situations. Well, it isn't always as cut & dry in real life as you'd like to make it.

As for the X...couldn't care less if I hurt his feelings which is why I ignore his attempts to contact Go figure.

 

I couldn't ask for a better life right now so what point would there be to continue to bring up the past? NONE!!

..................Oh, ulness you're Dex.

 

LOL -- I'm glad things are going better for you.

 

And, IMO, EXACTLY why CIK is NOT telling her husband the truth.

 

As usual, she is protecting HERSELF, not her HUSBAND.

 

I wish I hadn't told my husband about my affair, so I get why she doesn't want to bring it up every time the dummy tries to contact her.

 

And for me it would be for both reasons -- not telling my husband about contact -- I wouldn't want to deal with hurting him further by dredging thoughts about the affair up from the past or his possible negative response to it. I just don't think it would be helpful if she's trying to move forward positively in her marriage.

 

I believe CIK is not telling for whatever reasons she has given.

[JustJoe]

CIK, If you had not replied AT ALL, I would have no issue with this thread, and probably would not have even come on it. I can understand anybody's need to rant, I do it myself, but I still think that the reply was a very bad, deceitful move, to your H. It doesn't matter if he would be interested or not, you should have told him about the exchange, as a mark of respect and love. That's all I'm going to say. Good Luck, anyway.

[turnera]

No I didn't contact him. He contacted me twice in less than 7 days.

At that point I did reply to an email. I did not initiate the contact.

 

So if I understand this right - if I would have said nothing - not replied to his email....Came here to blow off steam & ask what I should do........then I'd be in the right? 100% cool with the world?

 

Well, that's exactly what I did & I took advice & I sent a brief email. That was it. See what happens when you take advice here...........gets ya into hot water all over again!

No, if you had said nothing to HIM but then gone to your HUSBAND and told HIM, then you'd be in the right.

 

I did reply to an email

Uh...is that not contact?

[turnera]

CIK, If you had not replied AT ALL, I would have no issue with this thread, and probably would not have even come on it. I can understand anybody's need to rant, I do it myself, but I still think that the reply was a very bad, deceitful move, to your H. It doesn't matter if he would be interested or not, you should have told him about the exchange, as a mark of respect and love. That's all I'm going to say. Good Luck, anyway.

That's what I'm getting at. You say your H is ok as is. That is because he doesn't know the truth.

 

You take him saying he's good and RUN with it because it helps YOU. It's always about YOU.

 

Which, I guess, apparently, is the one characteristic that people who cheat have in common.

 

Gloss over what the partner is feeling, if it helps YOU.

[ladydesigner]

Yeah, I'm not very happy with myself for allowing it to happen either -- so I get what you are saying.

 

 

 

LOL -- I'm glad things are going better for you.

 

 

 

I wish I hadn't told my husband about my affair, so I get why she doesn't want to bring it up every time the dummy tries to contact her.

 

And for me it would be for both reasons -- not telling my husband about contact -- I wouldn't want to deal with hurting him further by dredging thoughts about the affair up from the past or his possible negative response to it. I just don't think it would be helpful if she's trying to move forward positively in her marriage.

 

I believe CIK is not telling for whatever reasons she has given.

 

As always Sam I always see eye to eye with you on these things and it's not just because I'm a cheater:p

 

CIK I wish you the best of luck in your marriage and happy to hear everything is going well. I don't think you did anything wrong. Life is life and we all have one to live.

[Samantha0905]

As always Sam I always see eye to eye with you on these things and it's not just because I'm a cheater:p

 

CIK I wish you the best of luck in your marriage and happy to hear everything is going well. I don't think you did anything wrong. Life is life and we all have one to live.

 

Obviously, I don't think you did anything wrong either CIK. There are different ways to handle situations and just because you chose to respond this time does not mean you handled it in a wrong manner.

[JustJoe]

LD, Sam's post and statement was totally selfish and you know it. But it is true in one respect, she doesn't want to deal with his negative response to her cheating. For his sake? No!! For hers and hers alone. Sorry for the T/J , Cik I will go now.

[confusedinkansas]

Uh...is that not contact?

Replying to one email, when 5 or more attempts were made .....via text, phone, facebook & email.

I understand from people who called my old cell number that, the gentleman who has the number now said that many text messages & phone calls came from one particular number & was a man - Gee I wonder who that was:rolleyes:

So - getting a new phone number did pay off as far as that situation goes:D For which I am grateful...Thank You Work-Perks!!!!

 

LD & Sam - nice to know that someone's in my corner. I appreciate it!

[Samantha0905]

LD, Sam's post and statement was totally selfish and you know it. But it is true in one respect, she doesn't want to deal with his negative response to her cheating. For his sake? No!! For hers and hers alone. Sorry for the T/J , Cik I will go now.

 

You better run -- ha,ha -- just kidding.

 

It is rather insulting, however, and until you've been married 28 years or in a relationship that has been going on 34 years I hope you will be more open to learning a few things yourself. Plus, I will take your own situation into account when filtering your advice as I think sometimes you know not of what you speak. I do enjoy reading your posts most of the time though!

 

It was not totally selfish dear.

[turnera]

Replying to one email, when 5 or more attempts were made .....via text, phone, facebook & email.

Yeah, that's what I thought...contact. Contact is contact, no matter the context. Period.

 

CIK, I'm not trying to be rude, really. But the way you spin things so that you don't have to see yourself doing anything wrong...well, it's likely what got you in that boat in the first place. Perhaps a lifetime of spinning situations around so that you can't claim responsibility because of semantics.

 

I'm glad you can be ok with that; I couldn't.

[turnera]

You better run -- ha,ha -- just kidding.

 

It is rather insulting, however, and until you've been married 28 years or in a relationship that has been going on 34 years I hope you will be more open to learning a few things yourself. Plus, I will take your own situation into account when filtering your advice as I think sometimes you know not of what you speak. I do enjoy reading your posts most of the time though!

 

It was not totally selfish dear.

Seemed selfish to me. UNselfish would have been telling her husband the truth to PROVE to him that she screwed up by contacting her ex but that she loved and respected her husband MORE, and so owned up to her behavior.

 

fwiw, I just had my 30th anniversary, so I guess I have learned a few things. Like what dishonesty does to a relationship.

[JustJoe]

Sam, darlin, I love your posts, you know that. Your insights and observations are usually very good, and really were helpful , while I was getting over my own affair. I could also say the same for Lady-D and CIK. I always look for you Ladie's posts. We all did some bad sh*t, and are trying to recover as best we can, but, and it's a big but (sort of like J-low's:laugh:) be HONEST with yourself, even if you can't or won't be honest with your SO, and by all means don't try to BS me into believing that you don't tell for the sake of your SO, because the primary beneficiary of not telling is you (pl). I can lie with the best of them, so had to make the choice not to. If I can, you Ladies can too.:D See ya!!

[confusedinkansas]

Yeah, that's what I thought...contact. Contact is contact, no matter the context. Period.

 

CIK, I'm not trying to be rude, really. But the way you spin things so that you don't have to see yourself doing anything wrong...well, it's likely what got you in that boat in the first place. Perhaps a lifetime of spinning situations around so that you can't claim responsibility because of semantics.

 

I'm glad you can be ok with that; I couldn't.

 

I'm not sure you understand what I said. I did not attempt to contact HIM. These are all times that he has tried to contact me & I have ignored him.

I am not doing anything wrong here. When HE contacts me & I ignore him........how is that doing something wrong?

[Samantha0905]

Seemed selfish to me. UNselfish would have been telling her husband the truth to PROVE to him that she screwed up by contacting her ex but that she loved and respected her husband MORE, and so owned up to her behavior.

 

fwiw, I just had my 30th anniversary, so I guess I have learned a few things. Like what dishonesty does to a relationship.

 

Congratulations! I love hearing about long term relationships.

 

We're all different. My husband and I actually discussed that if either of us ever had an affair -- we'd rather not know if we ended up realizing we made a mistake and wanting to stay in the marriage. I blew that one and told him. I now wish I hadn't.

 

I don't want to repeat myself as this is getting tiring. I think CIK is handling things well and I don't think it makes her dishonest that she's not running and reporting every little thing that happens to her husband.

 

Sam, darlin, I love your posts, you know that. Your insights and observations are usually very good, and really were helpful , while I was getting over my own affair. I could also say the same for Lady-D and CIK. I always look for you Ladie's posts. We all did some bad sh*t, and are trying to recover as best we can, but, and it's a big but (sort of like J-low's:laugh:) be HONEST with yourself, even if you can't or won't be honest with your SO, and by all means don't try to BS me into believing that you don't tell for the sake of your SO, because the primary beneficiary of not telling is you (pl). I can lie with the best of them, so had to make the choice not to. If I can, you Ladies can too.:D See ya!!

 

I've already expresssed how I feel. You don't believe I really feel that way. Okie dokie. Why is it concern for our spouse(s) should only be expressed the way you think it should be expressed?

[JustJoe]

Because Sam, One way is honest, the other way isn't. Feel free to base your relationship on the dishonest one if you wish, me I choose to go the straight route.

[ladydesigner]

Sam, darlin, I love your posts, you know that. Your insights and observations are usually very good, and really were helpful , while I was getting over my own affair. I could also say the same for Lady-D and CIK. I always look for you Ladie's posts. We all did some bad sh*t, and are trying to recover as best we can, but, and it's a big but (sort of like J-low's:laugh:) be HONEST with yourself, even if you can't or won't be honest with your SO, and by all means don't try to BS me into believing that you don't tell for the sake of your SO, because the primary beneficiary of not telling is you (pl). I can lie with the best of them, so had to make the choice not to. If I can, you Ladies can too.:D See ya!!

 

This is true. I have been selfish in my thinking, but my H has been a selfish SOB in his own unhealthy ways, no excuse I own it and am fine with it. I feel all the choices I have made thus far have been for a reason. The only choice I made that I truly regret is the A, I can't take that back now I can only go forward and I'm not going to beat myself up forever. What my A did though is made me feel better about my H's infidelities, but that's about it. My M is not perfect by a longshot. I am still feeling things out to see if I still want to be married to my H. Lately we have been on peaceful grounds and he came clean finally with all the junk on the computer and it did not lead to another infidelity. What I am happy about is that I am happy with life and my children. My H still has a lot to prove to me as I probably do to him.

[confusedinkansas]

This is true. I have been selfish in my thinking, but my H has been a selfish SOB in his own unhealthy ways, no excuse I own it and am fine with it. I feel all the choices I have made thus far have been for a reason. The only choice I made that I truly regret is the A, I can't take that back now I can only go forward and I'm not going to beat myself up forever. What my A did though is made me feel better about my H's infidelities, but that's about it. My M is not perfect by a longshot. I am still feeling things out to see if I still want to be married to my H. Lately we have been on peaceful grounds and he came clean finally with all the junk on the computer and it did not lead to another infidelity. What I am happy about is that I am happy with life and my children. My H still has a lot to prove to me as I probably do to him.

 

This is exactly how I look at my affair. (only I really have no regrets & I don't look at that as a horrible thing)

Glad things are going better for you as well.

All we can do is move forward & not dwell on the past. God forbid we all crawl under a rock when something like this happens. You pick yourself up by your big girl panties & move on!

Moving on is the BEST thing to do!!...........Otherwise you die & what's the fun in that