Would You Continue To Ignore.....

[turnera]

well I don't think you realize this, or missed it, but she hasn't told her husband the complete truth.

 

last i knew he didn't know anything physical went on and she let him believe it was simply an emotional affair.

You're right, I did miss that he didn't know that.

 

CIK?

[confusedinkansas]

:)Not as long as some...but maybe longer than others:confused:

 

I never left my marriage for the other man.

Would not have stayed gone if the other man asked me to.

& I've never said otherwise.

 

I left my marriage for a totally unrelated situation that had nothing at all to do with the other man....(See - My entire 30 year marriage is not about this other man, contrary to what you may think) The affair wasn't even going on at the time I left.

 

Went back because it was the right thing to do & we had worked out our indifferences over a 14 month separation & realized there was still love there, just got buried under all the crap that was going on around us.

 

The part that he doesn't know (I'm positive he's aware) but we don't & won't discuss it ~ is that a year after the affair was over, his (AP)situation had changed & he came back into my life & we -off & on- saw each other over the course of about 9 months.

The crap that was going on in our marriage at that time spanned about 7 or so years. Started way before the affair & wasn't over until a few years after the affair was over.

Some of it we're still dealing with, but it's just not the battle that it was before. Hope that clears things up.

[turnera]

"he doesn't know"

"I'm positive he's aware"

 

Which is it?

[turnera]

we -off & on- saw each other over the course of about 9 months.

 

So...you had an affair with him while you were separated...you went back to your husband and he knew about the affair while separated...and then you had MORE affair with AP while together with your husband...and THIS 9-month period you never admitted?

[confusedinkansas]

So...you had an affair with him while you were separated...you went back to your husband and he knew about the affair while separated...and then you had MORE affair with AP while together with your husband...and THIS 9-month period you never admitted?

 

 

NO - The affair was OVER before my husband & I separated. Over for almost a year.

 

 

 

Timeline........In a nutshell

• Affair 6 months - Husband finds out
  
• NO AFFAIR Solid Year...No Contact
  
• Affair guy comes back - 9 month affair (off & on)
  
• AFFAIR OVER - NC
  
• Leave husband
  
• See the other guy as friends probably 5 times in the 14 months I was separated from my husband (he had a girlfriend, we tried the ole' OH, We Can Be Friends.......We all know how that ends up. NEVER works!)
  
• After a total of 14 months went back to live at home with my husband.........During this 14 months timeframe there was counseling, date nights, trying to work out our differences - Just not living together 24/7.
  

:)We've been back together - living together full time about 1 1/2 yrs now.

My decision for NC PERIOD started with the other guy about 6 months before I moved back home to be with my husband.

 

I hope this helps to clear things up - even if it's off the main topic that I'd posted.

[turnera]

Cool, thanks.

[Dexter Morgan]

The part that he doesn't know (I'm positive he's aware) but we don't & won't discuss it ~ is that a year after the affair was over, his (AP)situation had changed & he came back into my life & we -off & on- saw each other over the course of about 9 months.

 

thats a pretty big omission. methinks this is why he acts like he really doesn't care....because he really doesn't know what actually went on behind his back.

 

and how do you think he is aware? dontcha think if he was aware he'd have said something or expressed the smallest concern over you seeing the OM after you got back together?

[confusedinkansas]

and how do you think he is aware? dontcha think if he was aware he'd have said something or expressed the smallest concern over you seeing the OM after you got back together?

 

I haven't seen the other man since we got back together (or am I misunderstanding the bolded section)

 

If he was going to say anything about it, he'd have done it way before I moved out.

He knows for a FACT all of the rest of the stuff. 9 months off & on with no specific details will make no difference at this point. That particular year he was pretty wrapped up & F-d up in his own world. There just isn't any point in mentioning it now.

What's past is past. I prefer to look to the future. & so does he.

[Dexter Morgan]

I haven't seen the other man since we got back together (or am I misunderstanding the bolded section)

 

didn't you say after you and H got back together you saw each other off and on for about 9 months and that THIS was the part your H didn't know about?

 

 

If he was going to say anything about it, he'd have done it way before I moved out.

He knows for a FACT all of the rest of the stuff. 9 months off & on with no specific details will make no difference at this point.

 

point is, this is why he probalby acts like he doesn't care, because he doesn't know you withheld that from him. Otherwise thing might be a bigger deal to him. Unless again, he just doesn't care about the relationship all that much.

 

so now i'm voting for he doesn't care that much because he doesn't know what you did behind his back for 9 months after you got back together.

[Samantha0905]

 

I left my marriage for a totally unrelated situation that had nothing at all to do with the other man....(See - My entire 30 year marriage is not about this other man, contrary to what you may think) The affair wasn't even going on at the time I left.

 

I did also. I left before my affair started. I think a lot of times people focus on the affair as opposed to the fact the marriage may have had issues which were totally unrelated to the affair partner and existed before the affair partner came into the scene.

 

I'm not saying that makes the affair the right thing to do. For me it wasn't, but the unhappiness and the issues in the marriage existed already.

 

Went back because it was the right thing to do & we had worked out our indifferences over a 14 month separation & realized there was still love there, just got buried under all the crap that was going on around us.

 

 

I'm glad. I went back for the same reason. It just felt like the right thing to do.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I haven't seen the other man since we got back together (or am I misunderstanding the bolded section)

 

If he was going to say anything about it, he'd have done it way before I moved out.

He knows for a FACT all of the rest of the stuff. 9 months off & on with no specific details will make no difference at this point. That particular year he was pretty wrapped up & F-d up in his own world. There just isn't any point in mentioning it now.

What's past is past. I prefer to look to the future. & so does he.

 

It's not about looking to the future... It's called APATHY. Look, your Husband would have the same bland response if you told him that you met the guy in a hotel and made wild monkey love. It's why you have no regrets.

 

In regards to this guy contacting you... is it really worth a 13pg thread? Just ignore him.

 

Interesting though that he believes your low enough to be a booty call. Way to make a lasting impression...

[confusedinkansas]

didn't you say after you and H got back together you saw each other off and on for about 9 months and that THIS was the part your H didn't know about?

.

 

No

Haven't seen the other man/talked to the other man/texted the other man since my husband & I got back together. (Have only sent the one line email last week)

The affair was long over when I left my husband & has been ever since then.

 

It's not about looking to the future... It's called APATHY. Look, your Husband would have the same bland response if you told him that you met the guy in a hotel and made wild monkey love. It's why you have no regrets.

 

Un-true. However, there are parts to all of our lives that we don't share with anyone. Same with me. There are other issues connected to all of this that I will never share. It's part of the past - Period. No one knows what lead up to the affair. No one knows what was happening in my marriage prior to that. Heck, if you were right in your assumption - then that would make my husband a Cuckold- Right? And there are people out there like that. Same as the open marriage concept. Doesn't mean they don't care about their spouses, just means that the marriage is what it is & it works for them.

 

In regards to this guy contacting you... is it really worth a 13pg thread? Just ignore him.

Just have been answering questions & nasty comments such as yours. Apparently the topic is still open. I haven't contacted the other man. Yes, since I asked the initial question, he has emailed me twice. Emails that I haven't even opened. Just ignored them. Actually going to I.T. today to ask about blocking his email. However, as with many things in life, lots of people have more than one email address. We'll see if it works.

 

Interesting though that he believes your low enough to be a booty call. Way to make a lasting impression...

:lmao::lmao:

LOL....A bit of a disrespectful statement. But funny nonetheless. I never even thought for a second that was what he was after - But thanks ever so much for pointing out the possibility!

[Dexter Morgan]

No

Haven't seen the other man/talked to the other man/texted the other man since my husband & I got back together. (Have only sent the one line email last week)

The affair was long over when I left my husband & has been ever since then.

 

then what is the following words from you about?

 

"The part that he doesn't know (I'm positive he's aware) but we don't & won't discuss it ~ is that a year after the affair was over, his (AP)situation had changed & he came back into my life & we -off & on- saw each other over the course of about 9 months."

What exactly is the part he doesn't know?

It reads as if after your A was over that OM came back into your life.

not real clear here.

[confusedinkansas]

The "timeline" that I posted before shows how the whole thing went down. This other guy was in & out of my life for about 4 years.

1 stretch lasted 6 months. The second one lasted about 9 months. During those times my husband & I were still together. In between the actual affair, occasionally we'd have a drink together, email or talk on the phone. About 6 months after the affair completely & totally ended, that was when my husband & I split up for the 14 months.

 

--It was the 9 month run that we don't discuss. My husband was doing his own thing, not interested in the marriage, me, his family or anything else for that matter. This is partly why the separation happened. My theory is that he knows something was up with me as well, (he checked out/therefore, I checked out as well) but it's just not something we'll ever talk about. I won't bring it up & I'm positive he will never bring it up either. It was a very rough time for us.

 

During the separation the other man & I did see each other for drinks a few times. But the affair was over. He was with someone else. We just tried to be friends. Yes, my husband does know that this other man & I spent some time together during the separation.

 

I realize it's confusing. It confuses me still.....It's not a cut & dry timeframe.

 

I believe that if it weren't for the faith & value system that we were both raised with & the fact that there was still love hidden there all those years ......the marriage would be over.

[Snowflower]

CIK, I appreciate your honesty. I always like your posts because you are very truthful in how your affair happened. Obviously it was wrong and you know this but you still attempt to be honest.

 

For at least some BS (the ones who aren't bashing) like me, I find your insight enlightening.

 

Thank you.

[Dexter Morgan]

The "timeline" that I posted before shows how the whole thing went down. This other guy was in & out of my life for about 4 years.

1 stretch lasted 6 months. The second one lasted about 9 months. During those times my husband & I were still together.

 

ok, much clearer now, thank you.

 

 

--It was the 9 month run that we don't discuss.

 

you mean it is the 9 month run that he doesn't know about, that he is in the dark about. you said this much, but keep trying to play it off like he knows, you just don't discuss it.

 

 

My husband was doing his own thing, not interested in the marriage, me, his family or anything else for that matter.

 

hence your justification and lack of remorse or regret. its his fault:rolleyes:

 

 

During the separation the other man & I did see each other for drinks a few times. But the affair was over. He was with someone else. We just tried to be friends.

 

being friend with someone you had sex with behind your significant other's back is disrespectful.

 

why is it people in affairs think its ok to be with the people they slept with??

 

 

Yes, my husband does know that this other man & I spent some time together during the separation.

 

and in the 6 month stretch he knows about, you told him it went physical right?

 

because you have said that his affair was emotional(not that its any less horrible). But does he also know that he is forgiving someone that wouldn't forgive him for the same type of offense?

 

See this is the thing, he is forgiving not knowing what he is forgiving.

[confusedinkansas]

hence your justification and lack of remorse or regret. its his fault:rolleyes:

Never did say it was anybody's fault specifically. I was just pointing out the schmetics of what was going down at that particular time.

 

being friend with someone you had sex with behind your significant other's back is disrespectful.

why is it people in affairs think its ok to be with the people they slept with??

 

During a separation many people date, etc. So, no, seeing this other man & attempting to be friends - Not a biggie. I also dated a man during that time (a few times) do I consider that infidelity too. No. My husband & I were separated. What he did during that time was not my business & visa versa.

 

and in the 6 month stretch he knows about, you told him it went physical right?

Yep he knows.

 

because you have said that his affair was emotional(not that its any less horrible). But does he also know that he is forgiving someone that wouldn't forgive him for the same type of offense?

 

His "questionable" emotional affair is not a big deal in the whole scheme of life. I could keep harping on that, just like he could keep harping on my affair. What's the point?

As for forgiving him if he had an affair now.....after everything.....(that you aren't privvy to the specifics) - Guess I'd really have to cross that bridge when I came to it. (IF)

 

He also knows that people are different. I'm not him & he's not me. What one person can forgive, isn't always the case for others. Just like you Dex.

[Dexter Morgan]

During a separation many people date, etc. So, no, seeing this other man & attempting to be friends - Not a biggie. I also dated a man during that time (a few times) do I consider that infidelity too. No. My husband & I were separated. What he did during that time was not my business & visa versa.

 

that argument for justification might hold water IF the separation was the first step towards a divorce.

[confusedinkansas]

So the 'justification' as you call it, does hold water.

I had no idea whether the marriage would continue or not. It wasn't my desire to continue the marriage, or to end it at that point. But in order to regain my sanity, I needed to leave. I didn't believe either one of us could make the adjustments we needed to make in order to continue.

[Dexter Morgan]

So the 'justification' as you call it, does hold water.

I had no idea whether the marriage would continue or not. It wasn't my desire to continue the marriage, or to end it at that point.

 

then you cheated. If you didn't know for certain you were going to get a divorce, then you were messing around as a married woman.

 

justify it all you want.

[turnera]

Dead horse, Dex.

 

What are you trying to accomplish?

[confusedinkansas]

Turnera - I agree.

I've gotten my question answered (& then some) & have made my decision...... To Continue To Ignore.

 

Dex - No.

I'd think it would be difficult to find many folks out there that have been thru a separation & knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was going to work out that they'd get back together again.

 

No point in you & I carrying on back & forth. You don't agree with what happened in MY life. I don't agree with your theory on life in general & how things should always be black & white. Life has gray areas, that's a fact.