Would You Continue To Ignore.....

[OFGnomore]

I kind of agree with OFGnomore on this. The above response is too wordy, too conversational and is worded in such a way that it almost sounds like a response would be okay. "If you're still married" sounds like around about way of asking if he is still married, and "I can't even imagine why" sounds like an invitation to tell you why. Not saying that you meant it this way but it could be read that way by someone who is looking for an opening. Why can't you just say "I'm happily married. Don't contact me anymore" and be done with it?

 

Exactly. I think the "threat" of legal action is appropriate. It will never get to that level but it will let the guy know that she's done with him.

 

I think it was Dex who pointed out that for someone who is done with him she talks about him a lot and Owl observes there must be something there that makes this guy still think he's got a chance.

 

For me, the goal of getting xMM out of my life was first. I was a bitch, I was cold, etc. Anything less would have made me feel I didn't honor my husbands pain and not putting my H first after betraying him. My H never asked me to treat xMM this way, it came from my heart.

 

Can't repond to CIK anymore on this one, dee duh dee.

[JustJoe]

How about this? ------, No, I do not want to have a drink with you now or in the future. My H and I are doing great,( thanks for asking), but we BOTH feel that any further contact between us would be meaningless, so I will not be accepting or answering any calls , e-mails or any other attempts by you to remain in contact...... Goodbye.

[Spark1111]

Or, how about this:

 

Stay the hell away from me and my family now and forever. We wish you no harm, but stay the hell away. You got this?

 

Worked for us.

[spriggig]

My EX AP is back to his old tricks.

About 3 months ago I posted that he had emailed me - Plain & Simple << How U doin'? >>

Well - today I got a message on Facebook (No We are not friends on FB)

Message Reads: Drink for old times sake? How U Doin'?

 

Everyone gets spam and junk mail. That is how you should treat and think about his emails. Consider them reminders to reaffirm your love for your current SO. If you're alone right now, it's a reminder to take better care of yourself.

 

Tell him one final time if you think he didn't get the message a year and a half ago, but really don't keep going through this, he's not worth the effort.

Edited June 30, 2010 by spriggig

[confusedinkansas]

OFG I appreciate the fact that you don't want to comment anymore.

 

Truestone - I haven't blocked him specifically on FB because - I thought that my privacy settings were such that only friends could see me. Apparently that wasn't the situation. However, it is now. He is specifically blocked from my page. You can't block people totally from your life. He knows where I work, he could come here if he so desired. He also knows my work email (which is published & I can't change it) So, it's not just about FB. He has contacted me other ways in the past. Text message (I got a new phone) Old Email address (I deleted the email account).....so it's not like I'm out there soliciting him to contact me.

 

jnj - I suppose that wanting to answer him now is because I have taken everyone's advice here the other times he tried to contact me with...Ignore! Apparently it's not working. That's why I asked the question again. This is not the first time he's made this attempt.

 

Here's the thing with LoveShack - We aren't getting the entire story here. Ever. Nor have we lived thru someone elses pain.

There is much more to my story than I have spilled my guts about here. Specifics that I would never share with anyone, even on an [sIZE=3]anonymous[/sIZE]

board.

 

Because my X chooses not to move on is not my problem. I don't solicit his emails. What is my problem is on how to deal with it.......Enter LoveShack Forum - Answers to Questions.

 

Those that had advice on what to do with this particular email & stuck with the topic at hand - Thank You. Those that want to pick...well take your pickin' elsewhere.

 

It's kind of ironic that once you've spilled your guts here about a specific incident in your life & asked for help, that it's frowned upon & you're (I'm) bashed for coming back with another issue or situation - or even the same situation that is out of my control. Weird:eek:

[JustJoe]

CIK, what did you think of my proposal? Short, to the point and not subject to mis-interpretation.

[confusedinkansas]

CIK, what did you think of my proposal? Short, to the point and not subject to mis-interpretation.

 

How about this? ------, No, I do not want to have a drink with you now or in the future. My H and I are doing great,( thanks for asking), but we BOTH feel that any further contact between us would be meaningless, so I will not be accepting or answering any calls , e-mails or any other attempts by you to remain in contact...... Goodbye.

 

Joe - this is a great way to put it too. I take for granted that "Happier than I've ever been" means that my H & I are together & happy. However, he may not see it that way. (But again, it's not really his business whether I'm with my husband or not - either way I'd not be with him (the X))

 

I still haven't decided on whether I'm going to answer or not. If I wait another day or two it would be pointless to answer anyway. Besides that, since I've blocked him from FB - I can't answer on that site now.(it blocks both ways)

[Dexter Morgan]

i don't think her H knows about the A...her previous threads suggest that her H knows half truths about the A....so i don't think showing her H would work for her...she can't give a clue to him

 

no, he knows there is an OM, but you are right about the half truths.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex - No I haven't "Let" my husband answer because his take on it the last time it happened was to ...."Let it go & ignore it". So I did just that. I kinda know what he'll say this time - He'll say, answer him - simply & then block him from Facebook.

 

Like I said, oh well, expect more of the same and deal with it.

[Dexter Morgan]

But...I think you like this charade. I mean who really cares about your XMM's motivations or the kind of character he is to "not get it".

 

Seriously...

 

you hit the nail on the head. she posted quite a bit in the past regarding her situation, but it was always about the OM, very little about her relationship with her H. She would talk about the fondness of her affair and that she doesn't regret it one bit.

 

So you nailed it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Gee I don't think I would want to threaten legal action and all that.

 

it would be stupid to threaten legal action. She was a willing participant in an affair, and although trying to snog up to another man's wife is highly despicable, there is no law against trying to get in good with someone married, unfortunately.

 

If I were a judge, I imagine my response would be, "so let me get this straight, you cheat on your husband, the man you cheated with is having a hard time letting go, and you want me to throw him in jail after you were a willing participant?? judgement for the defendant."

 

Now if he keeps up and the conversations were offensive (and no, asking to meet or for drinks doesn't qualify) or vulgar, then I'd contact the authorities.

 

otherwise, change email, phone numbers if she has to, etc. She willingly gave him her contact information. That is her fault.

 

So if she changes all this and he goes out of his way to find the new contact information, it can be seen as stalking.

[Dexter Morgan]

For me, the goal of getting xMM out of my life was first. I was a bitch, I was cold, etc. Anything less would have made me feel I didn't honor my husbands pain and not putting my H first after betraying him. My H never asked me to treat xMM this way, it came from my heart.

 

exactly! I'll never understand those who claim to want to work on their marriage treating the OM/OW with kid gloves.

 

their spouse should come first, period. the feelings of an interloper are irrelevant.

[Dexter Morgan]

"We are in a fully committed marriage. Do not contact US again. Further contact will result in legal action".

 

SIGNED YOUR HUSBAND AND YOU.

 

I'd leave out the further contact will result in legal action. NEVER threaten anything if you don't intend to do it.

 

Because if he replied back and said, "is that a promise?" and they decided to take legal action because there was "further contact", I think they'd be laughed out of court.

[Samantha0905]

If the affair would have been as devistating as you make it sound like it was, then I would see your point. But it wasn't & it did not about destroy my marriage. Yes, direct & unemotional. I get it. It's not in my personality to be unemotional & he knows I would not seek any legal action. It would serve no point whatsoever. And I am not one to throw good money after bad for any reason.

Right now he is just an annoyance. I think that my wondering what his motives are is pretty normal.

 

As for liking this 'charade' you couldn't be further from reality. Seriously

 

To the others - I like your ideas of removing the 2 parts you mentioned. You're right - I'm not sorry - what do I have to be sorry about. Nothing.

 

I like what you posted earlier on along the ideas to leave out the two parts mentioned. It sounds good. It's your words. Go with your words. I think it will make you feel better about how you responded in the long run. It should come from within you not what others see as a more to the point, etc. response. Perhaps those responses would work lovely for them. You are you.

[Spark1111]

exactly! I'll never understand those who claim to want to work on their marriage treating the OM/OW with kid gloves.

 

their spouse should come first, period. the feelings of an interloper are irrelevant.

 

Dex, I think there is some truth in this.

 

If he is totally unimportant, what difference does the wording make at all?

 

Sorry, CIF, you seem a little preoccupied to me whith how you sound; sounding like yourself; whether or not to add a word here, or delete a word there; the OM knowing you would never do this or say that; angry that "just friends" didn't work out; mentioning his long-term GF, or not....

 

Buzz off should do it. Ignore could also do it. Don't contact us ever again could be fine.

 

Yeah, I see it. Kid gloves.....sorta a long the lines of "leave us alone, but PLEASE continue to think of me fondly."

[turnstone]

OFG I appreciate the fact that you don't want to comment anymore.

 

Truestone - I haven't blocked him specifically on FB because - I thought that my privacy settings were such that only friends could see me. Apparently that wasn't the situation. However, it is now. He is specifically blocked from my page. You can't block people totally from your life. He knows where I work, he could come here if he so desired. He also knows my work email (which is published & I can't change it) So, it's not just about FB. He has contacted me other ways in the past. Text message (I got a new phone) Old Email address (I deleted the email account).....so it's not like I'm out there soliciting him to contact me.

 

You answered me in your first sentence, there was no need for the rest of the answer. What's with all your defensiveness?

[road]

confused in kansas

 

HOLY CRAP!!! What is wrong with people? Don't they know to block the OP an even better to get new numbers and emails and block those just to be safe? Holy crap Bat Man, unbelieveable !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Diezel]

The guy is a genious.

He has her thinking all sorts of stuff.

That's how insignificant he is.

 

He has her creating a thread about him in LS.

That's how insignificant he is.

 

He has her trying to deal with him with extreme caution.

That's how insignificant he is.

 

Please, OP, you actually sat and contemplated WHY he was contacting you and the best thing you could come up with was a date?

Look, that's just probably coincidence. He probably just thought:

 

"Hey, I have nothing to lose, nothing else going on, why not?"

 

And that's that.

 

But all this lolly-gagging around is completely unnecessary. If this guy was someone that KEPT insisting on contacting you, then you have NO excuse for NOT having blocked him from contacting you SOONER. But instead, you've LET it continue... and that's because subconsciously, you WANT HIM TO. Not only do you dig the attention he's giving you along with the nice ego boost, but you're loving all the attention you're getting about it from this forum.

 

The fact that you've put SO much thought into what to reply to him... well, suggest all of the above when any person would have responded right away:

 

Look, stop emailing me/calling/whatever.

It's not going to happen.

 

 

Done deal.

Instead, you have THIS going on and on...

[turnera]

Anyway......... He'll know. It hasn't even been 24 hours ago.

 

So it's been 4 days.

 

What does your husband say to do?

[Jack & Coke]

You like it.

[Hazyhead]

I agree with this. Why do you even care CiK? Unless you are worried that he may reveal the truth to your husband, why entertain being slightly polite to him? If this appeared in the OW/OM section the OP would be told to let it go, maintain NC and forget about it. Most likely the OP would be accused of still being far too bothered. Why respond? He is more likely to get a kick from the fact that he got a message from you telling him not to contact you than he is if you totally ignore him. You had an affair and didn't tell your husband the whole truth. This is the risk you take.

 

The guy is a genious.

He has her thinking all sorts of stuff.

That's how insignificant he is.

 

He has her creating a thread about him in LS.

That's how insignificant he is.

 

He has her trying to deal with him with extreme caution.

That's how insignificant he is.

 

Please, OP, you actually sat and contemplated WHY he was contacting you and the best thing you could come up with was a date?

Look, that's just probably coincidence. He probably just thought:

 

"Hey, I have nothing to lose, nothing else going on, why not?"

 

And that's that.

 

But all this lolly-gagging around is completely unnecessary. If this guy was someone that KEPT insisting on contacting you, then you have NO excuse for NOT having blocked him from contacting you SOONER. But instead, you've LET it continue... and that's because subconsciously, you WANT HIM TO. Not only do you dig the attention he's giving you along with the nice ego boost, but you're loving all the attention you're getting about it from this forum.

 

The fact that you've put SO much thought into what to reply to him... well, suggest all of the above when any person would have responded right away:

 

Look, stop emailing me/calling/whatever.

It's not going to happen.

 

 

Done deal.

Instead, you have THIS going on and on...

[flutterbykiss]

Wow! I'm kinda new here and I'm a bit shocked at how nasty this thread got in places.

 

I don't think CIK can be blamed for the X contacting her any more than any person can be held responsible for the actions of another. Some X's just won't switch off; some get nostalgic and test the waters; some think that if you was available once you will always be available. This is an issue in THEIR head and often requires no encouragement.

 

As far as how to deal with it goes, CIK, I think your options are limited to ignoring it outright or a cool 'no thanks' with some reference to the fact that you have no desire to see him and a broad hint that you get enough of that sort of activity with your husband. I found that ignoring and cutting off didn't work in one particular situation because the moron X assumed that I was still angry with him and, hence still had some feelings where he was involved. In your situation, however, and at this point I think silence would be best because the last thing you want to do is give the impression that you have given it more than a moments thought.

 

On that note, of course CIK has given the issue a lot of thought but you could give her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that she is concerned because the stakes are so high for her because she values her marriage and has put a lot of work into recovering it. (Why do so many posters have such negative attitudes towards to each other )

 

And since the issue of negativity and blame-games reminds me of you, Morgan Dexter, I disagree with the whole idea of sending a reply from the H. 1) It leaves the door open for the X to think that she might have answered differently if her H wasn't around and 2) woman don't NEED our husbands to draw our 'lines-in-the-sand' for us thanks. We are quite capable of being responsible for our own boundaries.

 

That said, here is a copy of a text I sent my persistent X. It worked like a charm and when I showed my current man he laughed and hugged me and told me how proud of me he was.

 

"No thanks. My boyfriend is so wonderful to me - he takes care of that. I hope you have sorted your s**t out and are doing well because I am very happy in my new life."

 

I wish you peace from your x and happiness with you husband, CIK

[Hazyhead]

Flutterbye, you're right; CiK, I apologise for being harsh. What I was trying to say (in a tactless, rubbish way) was that I think the less you write, and the less you do in relation to him, the better. Hit him with the truth (bleep off) and don't explain yourself.

 

Best wishes.

Hazy

 

ooh! Dunno how I managed to mess up he quoting!

 

The guy is a genious.

He has her thinking all sorts of stuff.

That's how insignificant he is.

 

He has her creating a thread about him in LS.

That's how insignificant he is.

 

He has her trying to deal with him with extreme caution.

That's how insignificant he is.

 

Please, OP, you actually sat and contemplated WHY he was contacting you and the best thing you could come up with was a date?

Look, that's just probably coincidence. He probably just thought:

 

"Hey, I have nothing to lose, nothing else going on, why not?"

 

And that's that.

 

But all this lolly-gagging around is completely unnecessary. If this guy was someone that KEPT insisting on contacting you, then you have NO excuse for NOT having blocked him from contacting you SOONER. But instead, you've LET it continue... and that's because subconsciously, you WANT HIM TO. Not only do you dig the attention he's giving you along with the nice ego boost, but you're loving all the attention you're getting about it from this forum.

 

The fact that you've put SO much thought into what to reply to him... well, suggest all of the above when any person would have responded right away:

 

Look, stop emailing me/calling/whatever.

It's not going to happen.

 

 

Done deal.

Instead, you have THIS going on and on...

 

Wow! I'm kinda new here and I'm a bit shocked at how nasty this thread got in places.

 

I don't think CIK can be blamed for the X contacting her any more than any person can be held responsible for the actions of another. Some X's just won't switch off; some get nostalgic and test the waters; some think that if you was available once you will always be available. This is an issue in THEIR head and often requires no encouragement.

 

As far as how to deal with it goes, CIK, I think your options are limited to ignoring it outright or a cool 'no thanks' with some reference to the fact that you have no desire to see him and a broad hint that you get enough of that sort of activity with your husband. I found that ignoring and cutting off didn't work in one particular situation because the moron X assumed that I was still angry with him and, hence still had some feelings where he was involved. In your situation, however, and at this point I think silence would be best because the last thing you want to do is give the impression that you have given it more than a moments thought.

 

On that note, of course CIK has given the issue a lot of thought but you could give her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that she is concerned because the stakes are so high for her because she values her marriage and has put a lot of work into recovering it. (Why do so many posters have such negative attitudes towards to each other )

 

And since the issue of negativity and blame-games reminds me of you, Morgan Dexter, I disagree with the whole idea of sending a reply from the H. 1) It leaves the door open for the X to think that she might have answered differently if her H wasn't around and 2) woman don't NEED our husbands to draw our 'lines-in-the-sand' for us thanks. We are quite capable of being responsible for our own boundaries.

 

That said, here is a copy of a text I sent my persistent X. It worked like a charm and when I showed my current man he laughed and hugged me and told me how proud of me he was.

 

"No thanks. My boyfriend is so wonderful to me - he takes care of that. I hope you have sorted your s**t out and are doing well because I am very happy in my new life."

 

I wish you peace from your x and happiness with you husband, CIK

Edited July 4, 2010 by Hazyhead

[confusedinkansas]

He has her creating a thread about him in LS.

That's how insignificant he is.

 

Yes, you're right. Silly me for thinking that LS was the place to come for some bits of advice from those that have been thru situations such as this before. How dare me think that.

 

Haven't logged in for a few days & as I read these posts it just makes me laugh. It's so typical here.

 

HOLY CRAP!!! What is wrong with people? Don't they know to block the OP an even better to get new numbers and emails and block those just to be safe? Holy crap Bat Man, unbelieveable

 

Holy Crap!! As I have said in the past. I do have a new phone number! I did deleted old email accounts! My "published" work account, however, can't do anything about that one.

 

As for Facebook - Turnstone - I wasn't being defensive. I was merely answering the question about blocking him on Facebook. I honestly thought that the only people that could see my postings, etc. were my friends.

 

As for the question - What does my husband think? Well, I haven't told him. There are several reasons why. None of which is anyone's concern here. Nor does it have anything to do with my initial question.

 

Flutterbye - I have in the past totally ignored him. However, the other day I did answer - 1 email - short, one sentence. His response to that was "I just threw up in my mouth, I don't know why, just did...New house huh?"

 

So, see what I'm dealing with. Oh well.....doesn't matter anyway.

Those that had good helpful advice - THANK YOU....Those bashers - again, you crack me up with your holier-than-thou attitudes!!!

 

Have only answered one email in almost 2 years - So I'm going back to total ignore with him.

[turnera]

As for the question - What does my husband think? Well, I haven't told him. There are several reasons why. None of which is anyone's concern here. Nor does it have anything to do with my initial question.

Exactly the response I expected - more self-protection and no thought whatsoever about your husband's feelings, rights, or well-being.

 

People who 'bash' you are trying to protect you from yourself and your questionable actions.