Would You Continue To Ignore.....

[Dexter Morgan]

woman don't NEED our husbands to draw our 'lines-in-the-sand' for us thanks.

 

well its obvious CIK isn't going to draw the line herself. and if you read the others, I'm not the only one that thinks so.

 

 

We are quite capable of being responsible for our own boundaries.

 

then why is CIK pussyfooting with her OM and treating him with kid gloves rather than telling him to f##k off?

 

ah....because she doesn't want to hurt him....she still has feelings for him...and better to disrespect her H than tell the OM to f##k off.

[Mimolicious]

My EX AP is back to his old tricks.

About 3 months ago I posted that he had emailed me - Plain & Simple << How U doin'? >>

Well - today I got a message on Facebook (No We are not friends on FB)

Message Reads: Drink for old times sake? How U Doin'?

 

HOLY CRAP!!! What is wrong with people? Do they not think that if someone has ignored every single email they have attempted to send, as well as text messages........WTF!! Why on earth to ex affair partners feel it is necessary to contact after all this time............SHEESH...............

I'm venting - But seriously - Does anyone else out there have an EX that just simply will not go away? Do I need to respond to the email...No - Not interested in drinks...I'm fine. Thanks for asking!!!!!!!

 

Why should you? If so, you are feeding into his game. Simply don't reply and BTW, you can block people from FB.

[confusedinkansas]

QUOTE=Dexter Morgan;2875701]

 

then why is CIK pussyfooting with her OM and treating him with kid gloves rather than telling him to f##k off?

 

ah....because she doesn't want to hurt him....she still has feelings for him...and better to disrespect her H than tell the OM to f##k off.

 

Ahh - so you consider my taking everyone's advice here & ignoring this man for 2 years "Pussyfooting around".......All so very interesting.

 

So I send one line of an email & he sends another back......See a pattern developing here? I do. I knew it would happen. It wouldn't matter if I told him to F'off or not. Which is why I said - See what I'm dealing with here! BTW - when he emailed back I did not engage in back & forth banter with him.

 

It's also why I've asked the WHY'S...Why would someone after all this time, do this? Seein' as how it's something I can't change ~ I figured I could gain some insite from maybe a WS that couldn't let go of their affair partner. Learn something & maybe go about it a different way.

But no, instead of insite I get this. You all sure do keep life interesting around here

 

And No....I don't "Like It"....I don't "Ask For It"....I don't "Solicit It" - It just.....Is what it is.

 

BTW, you can block people from FB.

- Which is exactly what I have done. I don't spend enough time on FB to realize that - Until this happened.

[Mimolicious]

Why is it that you seem to want to answer the other guy-----cuz everyone tells you to-----the best possible outcome here is to totally ignore the other guy----do not give him the satisfaction that he wants, and that is continued contact of any kind----out of sight, out of mind----NO RESPONSE OF ANY KIND AT ALL

 

 

I totally agree with this. This guy is kinda meeting his purpose... first he got your attention, then got you thinking and now has you drafting replies... he's getting to something here.

[Owl]

CIK....respectfully....ease up a bit on the defensiveness.

 

You seem so bound and determined that you're going to be emotionally set upon here that you're practically asking for it. You're coming across as so defensive you're almost offensive.

 

Lighten up a little.

 

I agree that you're 'catching it' a little...but again if you KNEW that this was what was gonna happen, why'd you bother posting at all? It almost sounds like you posted simply to start the stress and drama, rather than actually look for true advice from anyone.

 

With that said...I'll admit that I was the one who raised the question about your husband's thoughts. And frankly I don't find that as off topic, as NC is very, very much "on topic" for the vast majority of BS's out there. Nearly every BS I've seen has INSISTED on being made aware of when NC was violated, regardless of who did so and when. If your H didn't insist on that, I'm shocked and would suspect that he just doesn't "get" what goes on in most affairs. If he did ask that you tell him about any resumed contact...then you should have informed him of this recent violation on OM's part.

 

Why would you NOT want his input on the best way to handle this, if your marriage is doing so much better and the communication is working like it should? Wouldn't he be the best possible 'source' of advice on how to deal with this in that case?

 

Which is why I'd raised the question in the first place.

[Jack & Coke]

CIK....respectfully....ease up a bit on the defensiveness.

 

I agree. Just because you disagree with some of the advice given doesn't mean it isn't helpful or lacks insight. Right or wrong, it's just not what you wanted to hear.

[Mimolicious]

 

It's also why I've asked the WHY'S...Why would someone after all this time, do this? Seein' as how it's something I can't change ~ I figured I could gain some insite from maybe a WS that couldn't let go of their affair partner. Learn something & maybe go about it a different way.

But no, instead of insite I get this. You all sure do keep life interesting around here

 

 

 

You asked the "why's" and didn't what to hear the "this is why".

 

He contacted you because he will try, and try and try, till he gets a response...Now he got it, of course he is going to re-reply. Pressing his luck by trying to reach out gives him a better chance at getting back on the bandwagon, so why not try? You're the one that has to hold firm and not fall for hix shenanigans. He got a reaction out of you, not what he expected but he did.

[confusedinkansas]

You're right- I do come across as extremely defensive. I apologize.

You're also right - he did get a 'rise out of me' It pissed me off.

 

Which is why I came here for a few answers. Not to be told that I like the attention. Not to be told that I can't draw a line. I did draw the line. I ignored him.

 

I just simply don't understand why there are some people out there that just can't let the past be the past. That's all. I was sort of hoping there would be someone out there that would comment that couldn't leave their affair in the past & kept trying to contact the other person.

 

My apologies to the masses.

[turnera]

Good to hear.

 

So...

With that said...I'll admit that I was the one who raised the question about your husband's thoughts. And frankly I don't find that as off topic, as NC is very, very much "on topic" for the vast majority of BS's out there. Nearly every BS I've seen has INSISTED on being made aware of when NC was violated, regardless of who did so and when. If your H didn't insist on that, I'm shocked and would suspect that he just doesn't "get" what goes on in most affairs. If he did ask that you tell him about any resumed contact...then you should have informed him of this recent violation on OM's part.

 

Why would you NOT want his input on the best way to handle this, if your marriage is doing so much better and the communication is working like it should? Wouldn't he be the best possible 'source' of advice on how to deal with this in that case?

 

Which is why I'd raised the question in the first place.

With the above in mind, can you please explain your reasoning for not telling your husband?

[Dexter Morgan]

Ahh - so you consider my taking everyone's advice here & ignoring this man for 2 years "Pussyfooting around".......All so very interesting.

 

No, I take YOUR actions as pussyfooting around. Not taking into account the advice here one bit

 

 

So I send one line of an email & he sends another back......See a pattern developing here? I do.

 

me too. you dance around the OM's irrelevant feelings and are treating him with kid gloves. Of course he is going to keep trying. He isn't getting the point.....because you don't want to hurt him....and I don't think you want him completely gone. Others have noticed this and said as much as well.

 

 

I knew it would happen. It wouldn't matter if I told him to F'off or not. Which is why I said - See what I'm dealing with here!

 

oh bull. if you were to point blank tell him to leave you the F alone and that you and your husband do not want him ever contacting you again, he'd get the point. If he doesn't, then I'd meet him in public and have H come along.

 

Face it, you don't want to be mean to him. You don't want to close that door. In most all off your posts when asking questions, you always seem to focus on the OM....not your H or your marriage. You aren't over the OM.

 

 

It's also why I've asked the WHY'S...Why would someone after all this time, do this?

 

because you are allowing it. you keep the door open for him, he is gonna walk through it.

 

 

 

And No....I don't "Like It"....I don't "Ask For It"....I don't "Solicit It" - It just.....Is what it is.

 

soliciting and allowing are 2 completely different things.

 

It is what it is because you allow it and don't want to hurt his wittle feewings.

[Dexter Morgan]

I totally agree with this. This guy is kinda meeting his purpose... first he got your attention, then got you thinking and now has you drafting replies... he's getting to something here.

 

how do you stop a speeding car? by not touching the brake.

 

hmmmm, I don't think doing nothing will work. He'll come back sooner or later if she doesn't put the brakes on it.

[Mimolicious]

how do you stop a speeding car? by not touching the brake.

 

hmmmm, I don't think doing nothing will work. He'll come back sooner or later if she doesn't put the brakes on it.

 

 

Not entirely true. You ignore, eventually he will grow tired and stop.

Putting the "breaks" did nothing. She replied and he replied back. Going around in circles if she allows it. What's the point?

 

When you don't want to allow someone to reach you, you ignore them. Not reply back.

[confusedinkansas]

When you don't want to allow someone to reach you, you ignore them. Not reply back.

 

Which is exactly what I had done for almost 2 years. All phone calls, emails & text messages were ignored. Until last week. One line email.

 

My husband said this - for those that are so concerned about his wellbeing & the fact that I never mention him here.......

He is not mad that I sent the one line email. He said that I should just continue to ignore him. Which is what I intend to do.

The reason I don't mention him here is because he (unlike many here) has put this behind us. (Which is what I have done as well)

My husband..........does not dwell, HE does not prod & poke about it. HE is a pretty great man/husband & dad. HE does not pout about this or anything else in life or that has happened in our marriage in the PAST. HE is a "move-on" "pull up your underoos & get over it" kinda guy.

 

I only bring up the other man when he sticks his nose back in my business. So I come here for answers to questions. Such as....."Would You Continue To Ignore"

 

No - it's not that I care so much about the other man's wellbeing or his feelings. I am not a mean spirited person. There is no reason to get ugly with him. Besides that, I know what he's capable of (which no one else here knows) I'd just prefer to keep him on the ignore button as opposed to stirring the pot. Stirring the pot brings him back into my life. Brings the past back to the present. Which is NOT what I'm looking for.

 

Besides this little gnat in my life - everything else is fantastic. Kids are great, hubby is great, gonna have a grandbaby & a wedding in the next year....LIFE IS GOOD!!!!

[Owl]

My husband said this - for those that are so concerned about his wellbeing & the fact that I never mention him here.......

He is not mad that I sent the one line email. He said that I should just continue to ignore him. Which is what I intend to do.

The reason I don't mention him here is because he (unlike many here) has put this behind us. (Which is what I have done as well)

My husband..........does not dwell, HE does not prod & poke about it. HE is a pretty great man/husband & dad. HE does not pout about this or anything else in life or that has happened in our marriage in the PAST. HE is a "move-on" "pull up your underoos & get over it" kinda guy.

 

 

I find it interesting that you're completely willing to be so insulting, disparaging, and condescending to the posters on LS who bothered to try to provide you with advice that you solicited with this thread...but tread very carefully when it comes to offending ex-OM.

 

I'm glad you got resolution to your problem. I won't post further to your threads. Good luck to you and your H...glad that things are working out well for you.

[Spark1111]

You're right- I do come across as extremely defensive. I apologize.

You're also right - he did get a 'rise out of me' It pissed me off.

 

Which is why I came here for a few answers. Not to be told that I like the attention. Not to be told that I can't draw a line. I did draw the line. I ignored him.

 

I just simply don't understand why there are some people out there that just can't let the past be the past. That's all. I was sort of hoping there would be someone out there that would comment that couldn't leave their affair in the past & kept trying to contact the other person.

 

My apologies to the masses.

 

FBS here....

 

In our case, I believe the OW was bored with her new boyfriend; wanted to charm and flirt like old times; wanted to put out a subtle hint that maybe she could be available again; wanted to see if he still swooned in her presence, blah, blah, blah...

 

He HAD let her down with kids gloves after DDAY. Maybe she thought they could still be friends, or FWBs, or who really knows!

 

The bottom line: She obviously did not leave their affair thinking he had re-committed to me for love, just re-committed because it was the noble thing to do.

 

We called her up. We set her straight. Doubt we will ever hear from her again.

[Samantha0905]

Wow! I'm kinda new here and I'm a bit shocked at how nasty this thread got in places.

 

Welcome to "Love"shack. It's a misnomer for sure!

 

 

On that note, of course CIK has given the issue a lot of thought but you could give her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that she is concerned because the stakes are so high for her because she values her marriage and has put a lot of work into recovering it. (Why do so many posters have such negative attitudes towards to each other )

Because many are angry people who have been cheated on.

 

And since the issue of negativity and blame-games reminds me of you, Morgan Dexter, I disagree with the whole idea of sending a reply from the H. 1) It leaves the door open for the X to think that she might have answered differently if her H wasn't around and 2) woman don't NEED our husbands to draw our 'lines-in-the-sand' for us thanks. We are quite capable of being responsible for our own boundaries.

Thank you. I agree. Plus, "we" don't need to respond. It's terribly insulting to the XAP which the person did have a relationship with and unnecessary cruelty. I think a lot of times "we" responds because of the insecurities of the BS. I understand why those insecurities are there, but I hardly think it makes the XWS a more honorable person when they turn on the person with whom they had the affair. In my opinion, it's just more dishonorable behavior to do so. I never understood the concept of a "no contact" letter for that matter being sent from both the WS and the BS. It reeks. Besides -- it is contact isn't it? LOL

 

I think no response at all may be the best thing to do. At the very most one "get lost" message should be enough.

 

That said, here is a copy of a text I sent my persistent X. It worked like a charm and when I showed my current man he laughed and hugged me and told me how proud of me he was.

 

"No thanks. My boyfriend is so wonderful to me - he takes care of that. I hope you have sorted your s**t out and are doing well because I am very happy in my new life."

LOL -- nice response!

 

I wish you peace from your x and happiness with you husband, CIK

Me too! I think CIK is refreshingly honest and I like to read her posts. She seems like a good egg to me. Edited July 7, 2010 by Samantha0905

[Samantha0905]

My husband..........does not dwell, HE does not prod & poke about it. HE is a pretty great man/husband & dad. HE does not pout about this or anything else in life or that has happened in our marriage in the PAST. HE is a "move-on" "pull up your underoos & get over it" kinda guy.

 

Mine too -- thank goodness!

 

No - it's not that I care so much about the other man's wellbeing or his feelings. I am not a mean spirited person. There is no reason to get ugly with him. Besides that, I know what he's capable of (which no one else here knows) I'd just prefer to keep him on the ignore button as opposed to stirring the pot. Stirring the pot brings him back into my life. Brings the past back to the present. Which is NOT what I'm looking for.

 

Besides this little gnat in my life - everything else is fantastic. Kids are great, hubby is great, gonna have a grandbaby & a wedding in the next year....LIFE IS GOOD!!!!

 

I think it's great you're not mean spirited.

 

Great about your family! I can't wait to have grandbabies one day.

[turnera]

Because many are angry people who have been cheated on.

 

Not me.

 

I just don't appreciate people who cheat and then downplay their BS's emotions or needs, when it wasn't the BS who caused the hurt in the first place.

 

I notice OP didn't actually say she TOLD her husband about THIS incident (being contacted), only about HER sending HER email - just that he said ignore the OM.

[Samantha0905]

Not me.

 

I just don't appreciate people who cheat and then downplay their BS's emotions or needs, when it wasn't the BS who caused the hurt in the first place.

 

I notice OP didn't actually say she TOLD her husband about THIS incident (being contacted), only about HER sending HER email - just that he said ignore the OM.

 

Well you don't have to TELL everything. What purpose would it serve? Do you reveal every thought you have in life to your spouse? Do you tell your spouse every single time someone makes a pass at you? I don't. It isn't significant to me and I don't feel a need to run to my spouse and say, "Honey, I was hit on today!" That would get tiring to have to listen to coming from one's spouse.

 

I don't think she's downplaying her HUSBAND's needs. In fact, she just asserted they are happy. Why are you assuming he needs to be told or even would want to be told?

[JustJoe]

Well you don't have to TELL everything. What purpose would it serve? Do you reveal every thought you have in life to your spouse? Do you tell your spouse every single time someone makes a pass at you? I don't. It isn't significant to me and I don't feel a need to run to my spouse and say, "Honey, I was hit on today!" That would get tiring to have to listen to coming from one's spouse.

 

I don't think she's downplaying her HUSBAND's needs. In fact, she just asserted they are happy. Why are you assuming he needs to be told or even would want to be told?

Surely you realize that there is a huge difference between a casual pass, and renewed contact with a former affair partner.

[confusedinkansas]

Sparks - thank you for sharing how you handled your situation. Hopefully she stays "gone".

 

Samantha - Thanks for your comments. I don't understand why some folks here think that just because my affair partner re-appears every 6 months or so (briefly) that I'm supposed to turn into an ugly beast about it. It's just not going to happen. If I could find a calm way to email him & say what I feel then I would do that. But I can't come up with the words.

 

disparaging, and condescending to the posters who bothered to try to provide you with advice that you solicited with this thread

I don't believe this is how I'm being at all. I'm being honest. Answering questions as they are posted to me. Not being condesending.

And for the record - The majority of the advice I have been given was to be a nasty beast about it. And I'm being told that I like the attention. Which isn't true. Otherwise it would seem a little silly to come here & ask for advice.

[turnera]

I'm being honest.

So...did you tell your husband that exAP responded? This time, I mean?

[JustJoe]

Sparks - thank you for sharing how you handled your situation. Hopefully she stays "gone".

 

Samantha - Thanks for your comments. I don't understand why some folks here think that just because my affair partner re-appears every 6 months or so (briefly) that I'm supposed to turn into an ugly beast about it. It's just not going to happen. If I could find a calm way to email him & say what I feel then I would do that. But I can't come up with the words.

 

 

I don't believe this is how I'm being at all. I'm being honest. Answering questions as they are posted to me. Not being condesending.

And for the record - The majority of the advice I have been given was to be a nasty beast about it. And I'm being told that I like the attention. Which isn't true. Otherwise it would seem a little silly to come here & ask for advice.

You answered your own question. You obviously like the drama. You posted, ostensibly seeking advice whether to ignore or not, then proceeded to bark at any suggestions you didn't like, because you had already made up your mind to renew contact. What do you need us for? If not for the drama?

[Samantha0905]

Surely you realize that there is a huge difference between a casual pass, and renewed contact with a former affair partner.

 

Surely I do.

 

If a former AP emailed me or texted me or whatever in the manner CIK has indicated, I would simply send him along his way in one way or the other -- by either responding nicely telling him I'm not interested or by ignoring all together -- and I would feel no need to run and file a report.

[Samantha0905]

 

Samantha - Thanks for your comments. I don't understand why some folks here think that just because my affair partner re-appears every 6 months or so (briefly) that I'm supposed to turn into an ugly beast about it. It's just not going to happen. If I could find a calm way to email him & say what I feel then I would do that. But I can't come up with the words.

 

I would have a difficult time coming up with the words also.

 

I think many here like to turn it on you as a fault when you don't agree with the advice they offer. I don't mind reading others' advice which is why I have posted threads here when I have. On the other hand, I don't feel compelled to feel the advice given is advice upon which I should take action. Sometimes the advice is quite bad in my opinion.

 

I don't believe this is how I'm being at all. I'm being honest. Answering questions as they are posted to me. Not being condesending.

And for the record - The majority of the advice I have been given was to be a nasty beast about it. And I'm being told that I like the attention. Which isn't true. Otherwise it would seem a little silly to come here & ask for advice.

 

They want to say ugly things because you're not doing as they instruct.

 

 

You answered your own question. You obviously like the drama. You posted, ostensibly seeking advice whether to ignore or not, then proceeded to bark at any suggestions you didn't like, because you had already made up your mind to renew contact. What do you need us for? If not for the drama?

 

See. It is expected you take the advice given here by some. Silliness. You may not agree with it. We don't all always agree.

 

Perhaps KIC has received some advice she finds helpful and some that does jive well with who she is as a person.