why do i feel so insecure, only when it comes to people i love?

[cgracek]

ive been told my whole life that i'm a beautiful, smart, funny girl that has everything going for me. for the most part, i DO believe it. but i've noticed something about myself that has been apart of me for as long as i can remember.. i always doubt the people i care most about's love for me. i always fear and think that i love someone more than they love me, so i back off or act stuck up towards them. like when i was little i was super attached to my mom but i never thought she loved me as much as i loved her cause she had 5 kids to take care of that at the time needed more attention. so i tried to make her think i didnt really care about her.. that happens to me in friendships, relationships with boys, and sometimes even people i just meet but really like. now im with my boyfriend of one year and i NEVER doubted his love for me, i never felt the need to act stand offish towards him until two recent break ups he initiated (we got back together). now i all of a sudden feel the need to show him that he's not all that important to me and i dont need him, even tho i do desperately. other than that, im actually OVERLY confident in myself. i feel superior to people and like i can have any boy i want, until i get him and actually fall in love. then i doubt that love.

 

some history that may have something to do with this: my parents divorced when i was 4 years old and i was raised with the influence that my dad was not a good man and i felt like i shouldn't like or love him. my dad ALWAYS told/tells me he loves, but he does not in any way show me he does. he's never been apart of my life. i tell myself i hate my father and dont love him, but deep down i sometimes question that. i think i just wish i had a dad that acted like a dad. this might not have anything to do with my insecurity issues in relationships, when i think about my dad i truly do believe i do not love him at all, but is that even possible?

[make me believe]

I think those feelings towards your boyfriend are understandable and are due to him breaking up with you twice more than anything. If my boyfriend broke up with me twice, I'd feel totally insecure about our relationship and his feelings for me! I don't think it has anything to do with your past because these issues with your BF didn't surface until he ruined your trust by breaking up with you. Usually when this happens and the couple gets back together, it is difficult to get back to the level of trust that was there before. The one who was broken up with is always wondering if he/she cares more than their partner, if their partner is going to dump them again, etc. I think your BF needs to put some effort into easing your fears and reassuring you that he loves you, wants to be with you, and is done playing games & breaking up with you.

[jstalltxga]

I can understand this story pretty well. My parents divorced when I was 3 or 4 and NEVER got along unless I was doing something stupid and then they on very rare occasion got together and it felt like being ganged up on. It's not totally irrational to think that the people closest to you are the ones where your issues can come out. sometimes the people closest to you can do the most emotional damage, even without meaning to. Trust is a tough cookie, but you just got to learn to take risks and trust people sometimes, but develop enough of a sense of what kind of people you are dealing with.

 

try not to let your mother's oppinion of your father cloud your judgement. people can be very hateful in divorces, its sad. that being said, if he is not a good person, thats just what it is. most of my life my family told me my uncle was a bad guy, I have never had a problem with him, but I know enough to keep my distance.

 

try being observant of the people around you, friends, acquantances, etc. analyze their personalities and apply it to those you are closest to, in the end its all the same.

Edited July 13, 2010 by jstalltxga