White Liar

[Mombot]

He went home out of state and will be back here on Friday. We talk quite a bit on the phone, and and I've heard him tell lies (like the city he's in) to the BS when he's talked to her.. I noticed a big hole in his story about going to his sister's, and I know he took her but left that all out of the conversation. I always just let it all go because I like him so much.

I'm sure he will have a gift or two when he arrives, will smile sweetly and like always, I'll say to myself, what the heck. Do you ever do that?

[awkward]

Love the song. Are you a BW?

[White Flower]

He went home out of state and will be back here on Friday. We talk quite a bit on the phone, and and I've heard him tell lies (like the city he's in) to the BS when he's talked to her.. I noticed a big hole in his story about going to his sister's, and I know he took her but left that all out of the conversation. I always just let it all go because I like him so much.

I'm sure he will have a gift or two when he arrives, will smile sweetly and like always, I'll say to myself, what the heck. Do you ever do that?

 

Love the song. Are you a BW?

I don't think so...read the bolded part.

 

I guess there are moments you just want to enjoy them and forget the 'small stuff'. But trust me, that small stuff WILL grow and it will be the biggest Pink Elephant in the room until you just can't breathe. You'll push that big elephant out or die. One way or the other.

[Mombot]

No am not a BS. Not married.

[MizFit]

He went home out of state and will be back here on Friday. We talk quite a bit on the phone, and and I've heard him tell lies (like the city he's in) to the BS when he's talked to her.. I noticed a big hole in his story about going to his sister's, and I know he took her but left that all out of the conversation. I always just let it all go because I like him so much.

I'm sure he will have a gift or two when he arrives, will smile sweetly and like always, I'll say to myself, what the heck. Do you ever do that?

 

I actually make it kind of awkward for him in instances like that. I don't particularly care what they do and she seldom comes into the conversation, but if there's something he's obviously glossing over or he's started a story about something and brings her up...I make him tell me. I let him be uncomfortable and speak the words. I don't put him in that situation, but I don't let him escape it.

 

Someone gave WhiteFlower the advice of questioning anything that looks like a lie or any sort of deceit...I thought it was great advice and then when I looked at MM and I, I realized I was already doing it on several fronts. I think it does 2 things...shows MM how much he is actually hiding from both of us and also it keeps me grounded and away from drifting into fairy tale land.

[jj33]

If you want any sort of future with this man (and from prior posts it sounds like you do) then I wouldnt let him get away with that.

 

You set rules in relatoinships and if your rules are that little lies are OK, then expect them to continue as long as you two are together. I would be wary.

[Owl]

If he'll lie to her to maintain the affair...he'll lie to you to do the same.

 

A wise person recognizes this, and decides for themselves how they will handle it.

 

If you're ok with him doing this...there ya go.

[cavedweller]

Mombot,

 

Are you saying he tells you lies?

[norajane]

I always just let it all go because I like him so much.

 

The problem is the lies you know about are just the tip of the iceberg. You don't know what you don't know.

 

If he lies about little things, and omits telling you pertinent information which is a lie of omission, he's capable and likely to tell bigger lies, too. And you won't necessarily know when he does it. Practice makes perfect.

 

So if you let this go because you like him so much, you're setting yourself up for more and bigger lies because he knows he can get away with it.

[torranceshipman]

THe problem with this thread is that it is all about 'how to manage the MM when he regularly tells us lies'. Shouldn't you be getting super angry that he lies? Shouldn't you be dating a guy that doesn't lie to you?

 

The problem with a guy lying to you is that he doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth. That means he doesn't value you very much, no matter what stories he tells you.

[2sure]

Unless you are in the type of affair that is truly just part of an active EXIT, or they have some kind of open marriage that accepts the affair....its all a lie. You are a lie. What he says and does is a lie. The relationship is a lie . A lie of omission is the same thing.

 

Now, I have to tell you..if you are OK emotionally with the affair, then fine, who am I to say differently..but to be emotionally comfortable with a relationship that is going to stay a hidden affair....there are some realities you have to accept or ignore. Otherwise, you will just get frustrated.

[piscis]

Hi!

I am a little confused here.

Don't we know from day one that they are liers?

I mean I can think my MM does not lie when he tells me he loves me ( I want to believe that) but I am completly sure he is lying about where he is when he spends the night.

I know he also lies to me (he says he does not) but come on.

The question here is why are you so surprised about him lying; they a re liers, they prefere to lie to their W instead of not cheating or leaving the marriage.

 

 

The thing here is how you can handle with it?

My advice is to recongize he is a cheater and a lier this has really helped me to avoid creating images of him.

when I started reading post and posting at LS he was for me the one and only and lots of people answered my posts by asking why do you want to be with a lier? and they really made me think that and I have realized that he is I am still with him but I do not picture him anymore as the poor guy who has to stayed married and suffers because he can not leave.

 

So my advice is see him from who he is.

Edited June 29, 2010 by piscis

[Ellin]

What do you expect him to say to his W? "I'm with the OW now, darling, see you tomorrow"?

[Mombot]

That was quite funny, but he could say, I've decided to go to (the casino, out to eat, take a day and look at this town.)

[Owl]

But even that's still a lie, right?

 

You have to accept that his desire to be with you has to be matched by his ability to effectively lie to someone very close to him.

 

That's how affairs work.

 

Your best bet is to do what a lot of OW do...convince yourself that he'd never do that to YOU...only to her. That your relationship with him is special enough that it doesn't "need" those lies, right?

[Dexter Morgan]

He went home out of state and will be back here on Friday. We talk quite a bit on the phone, and and I've heard him tell lies (like the city he's in) to the BS when he's talked to her.. I noticed a big hole in his story about going to his sister's, and I know he took her but left that all out of the conversation.

 

good, maybe his wife will catch on and divorce the pr!ck.

 

then he can move in with you

[wheelwright]

The problem is the lies you know about are just the tip of the iceberg. You don't know what you don't know.

 

If he lies about little things, and omits telling you pertinent information which is a lie of omission, he's capable and likely to tell bigger lies, too. And you won't necessarily know when he does it. Practice makes perfect.

 

So if you let this go because you like him so much, you're setting yourself up for more and bigger lies because he knows he can get away with it.

 

I felt in my EMA that we were in love, that we spoke to each other the truth as you do when in love. Then I caught him in an unecessary small (non white) lie. Then I was worried, cos all the openness, love, soulmate stuff looked just slightly more one-sided. It doesn't matter what you're setting up - just that the lie was possible. I think people in love want to tell the truth to the other.

 

THe problem with this thread is that it is all about 'how to manage the MM when he regularly tells us lies'. Shouldn't you be getting super angry that he lies? Shouldn't you be dating a guy that doesn't lie to you?

 

The problem with a guy lying to you is that he doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth. That means he doesn't value you very much, no matter what stories he tells you.

 

I agree lies, if not a character fault that is acknowledged and the painful side of it discussed, are wholly detrimental to a R.

[Mombot]

But even that's still a lie, right?

 

You have to accept that his desire to be with you has to be matched by his ability to effectively lie to someone very close to him.

 

That's how affairs work.

 

Your best bet is to do what a lot of OW do...convince yourself that he'd never do that to YOU...only to her. That your relationship with him is special enough that it doesn't "need" those lies, right?

No, if he's really at dinner or out on the town, that is not a lie.

[norajane]

No, if he's really at dinner or out on the town, that is not a lie.

 

Except if he's leaving out a key piece of information, like that he's with his OW. That's a lie of omission, and it's a deliberate, active attempt to mislead someone into thinking something other than what is actually the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. In other words, it is a lie.

 

And it's still a lie if he's talking to you, and leaves out that he's out to dinner with his wife. Leaving out pertinent information that changes the whole picture is still a lie.

Edited July 2, 2010 by norajane

[NoIDidn't]

What do you expect him to say to his W? "I'm with the OW now, darling, see you tomorrow"?

 

Exactly!

 

Or, like, "Mombot, my W and I had a GREAT time at my sister's. I really enjoy her company. We always have a good visit when we go there."

[OWoman]

Your best bet is to do what a lot of OW do...convince yourself that he'd never do that to YOU...only to her. That your relationship with him is special enough that it doesn't "need" those lies, right?

 

:lmao: So those of us whose MMs didn't lie to us were just convincing ourselves of that? :lmao: After all, if he's going to lie to someone, he's going to lie to everyone, all the time, right? Even when he doesn't need to?

[TinaniT]

After all, if he's going to lie to someone, he's going to lie to everyone, all the time, right? Even when he doesn't need to?

 

Exactly.

 

In fact, I have lied before. Maybe I am lying to you right now. You better assume that to be the case, just to be sure.

 

 

[Owl]

:lmao: So those of us whose MMs didn't lie to us were just convincing ourselves of that? :lmao: After all, if he's going to lie to someone, he's going to lie to everyone, all the time, right? Even when he doesn't need to?

 

Did you miss the "a lot of" part of my comment?????????

 

You're trying to make it sound like your deliberate seeking out of MM for sexual fun is the "norm" amongst OW. From all that I've seen here...it's not. It's not even close to the "norm". Some of them may seek out MM one time for a "physical only" affair, and then find themselves embroiled in an emotional relationship (similar to you, only you repeated the process many times before the emotional side caught up with you). The majority seem to go the other way...they START as emotional affairs that eventually go physical.

 

Realize when I say "most other women" or "a lot of other women"...I'm probably not referring in any fashion to the very few cases that run like yours or Lizzie's. I'm referring to the most common situation we see...women who end up in an emotional affair with one married man...not women who spend a lot of time seeking out various MM for 'fun'. You ended up in an emotional relationship...but that wasn't what you sought out or expected when you were seeing all of the previous MM's.

 

And for one final thought...if any of those other MM you were with thought for a moment that there WAS a need to lie to you (because they felt that there was an emotional attachment, etc...)...yep, I'd bet that they would have lied to you in a heartbeat.

 

I'm kind of surprised at your response. You're usually not one to pick one thing and try to exaggerate it out of proportion (he'll lie all the time then). You're normally someone that I'd expect a reasoned out response from.

[Stung]

Just FYI, a 'white lie' is if my husband tells me he likes my new haircut, even when he doesn't. Not if he tells me he's in an entirely different city than he's actually in, and leaves out that he's there to bang his mistress.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, are you a BS? A real bitter one?

 

awww, nice try cupcake:cool: