Is my GF cheating on me with a co-worker? HELP PLEASE!!

[christian]

My GF has been acting so strange for the past month. She works a lot of hours as an accountant and it's busy session for her so she is out of the house from 6:30am to 10pm.

 

My problem is - I'm not sure if she is cheating on me.

 

she would come home and be nasty to me when I would do nice things for her, but the biggest thing is her lack of wanting sex. We used to make love 3 or 4 times a week and now it's maybe 1 time and she can't look at my face when she does..

 

She has come home numerous times scratching her vaginal area.. came home with her fly down once, came home and said her legs were chaffed from the cold weather and all the walking (her upper thieghs were rashy red), and the other day came home with her vagina swollen and super red (looked like we made love for an hour) she said it was because she was scrathing.

 

She is being overly nice to me when she comes home now, and hugs and kisses me and she touches me and caresses me and then no sex? she has been doing this for weeks now.. teasing me and talking about doing things and then she doesn't.

 

I don't know what to think.. she has a habit of talking to guys at her job and giving them the wrong ideas by going out to dinner and lunch all the time with them alone.. and talking about personal things.

 

Is she screwing around on me or am I being too jealous.. I really love her with all my heart and it would kill me if she was, but I need to know for sure.

 

HELP.. please..

[doniker]

follow her or hire a private investigator.

[christian]

I can't afford one..

 

I consider myself a fairly intelligent guy, but when it comes to matters of cheating, it is too easy to make a mistake and point the finger..

 

I have felt the same way.. my gut feeling and little things that she does - last year and I was almost certain that she was cheating.. I found out that she wasn't.

 

I bought her a ring.. she is not big on marriage (possibly because of her parents divorce when young), the ring is a fire opal in 18k gold, so it's not like an engagement ring.. just a ring she can wear and know how much I love her when she is gone..

 

I gave it to her last september when she was traveling alot and she wore it and said she loved it..

 

she wore it for maybe a month and then stopped wearing it.. she told me that everyone knows it canme from me and that she has a boyfriend..

 

my problem is being too analytical.. I know how some women love to flirt and if a guy thinks that the relationship is rocky or there is a chance.. they will flirt more.. especially if they know they can take her to lunch and dinner anytime and she will talk about personal things.. it gives the wrong impression, but it could also lead to an affair if feelings develope.

 

anyway.. sorry to babble on here.. she says she loves me all the time and when we are together on the weekends mostly, I feel the love from her. but, this is something you must know..

 

my GF wanted to have sex everyday if not everyother day for over a year.. then it just went to hell..

 

if I was too tired to have sex one night, she would get pissed and go sleep in another room.. now it's like a role reversal.. she is hardly ever interested at all and I am all the time..

 

last night after we took a shower, she was touching me and initiating and when I went to kiss her or touch her, she was like "noo.. sleepy" but she wasn't tired.. I could tell..

 

she teases me sexually all the time now and then never puts out or says she wants it and then doesn't do it..

 

and she NEVER did that before..

 

she missed her period last week too.. but she is on the pill..

[Leikela]

I remember you. You posted back in August with the same complaint. It is now February and you're still thinking the same thing, but possibly with a different guy or someone new now? I cannot believe this much time has passed and you're still in the same spot you were back then. I would seek some counseling for your paranoia.

[SoleMate]

She might have a yeast infection. That would explain the itchy, red vulva.

 

And chafed thighs really would indicate cold weather and lots of walking, not sex. I have never gotten chafed thighs from sex.

 

The behavioral clues are more indicative...but even there, other explanations do exist. If she's working extremely long hours, she may well be crabby and uninterested in sex. I wouldn't condemn her yet based on what you've said. Is asking her an option? Or rather than even asking, "Are you cheating?", why not ask, "How are you feeling about us these days? Are you happy in this relationship?" Sounds like that needs to be asked regardless.

[christian]

I see your point.. I do have problems with trust issues from time to time, BUT if you look at the facts of things that are done to me or maybe said, I think anyone would wonder.. maybe not think that the person was cheating, but they would feel that something is not quite right.

 

I don't want to sound like a jerk, but I am assuming that YOU are a woman and suppose that you feel that a woman in a commited relationship should be allowed to go to lunch and dinner everyday with the same guy or just one on one and talk about personal things.. and flirt and lead someone on because it's not hurting anyone?

 

flirting is dangerous.. not fun.. a smile is nice..

 

my problem is I have a hard time thinking that she would cheat but i don't know what the heck is going on.. and feelings can develop when you have these kind of inappropriate work relationships.. working with someone who is a friend that you know and working for over 12 hours a day with him and having lunch and dinner and non-work related conversations.

 

soo i don't think I'm a total lune, that's why I'm here asking others for advice/opinions..

 

if you look at some other strings on this site, you will see many that deal with guys or women saying that they are in relationships and are having feelings for a co-worker that they have lunch with or work with alot.

 

soo just because I'm a guy that's confused doesn't make me a nut for thinking something might be up.

[Leikela]

I am sorry if my post implied that you were a nut. That was not my intention. I was confused myself because how long are you going to go on like this?? I mean nothing has changed for you or her in the past 6 months. You're in the same spot you were back in August. Somewhere along the line you have to take action or you WILL drive yourself nuts thinking these things all the time.

 

I will agree with you that her actions are inappropriate. I am a woman and I would never carry on with a male like that because that is something I share with my boyfriend and my boyfriend only. You are not crazy to think something is going on, but we established this back in August. What have you done about it?

 

You obviously don't trust her, so you need to work on your trust issues, because they haven't gotten any better. If she won't budge on the fact that she's not cheating on you, then ask her why she doesn't want to have sex as often anymore. Suggest she go to counseling and point out that this isn't a normal relationship. Normal people WANT to have sex with their significant other.

 

You really need to open the lines of communication here and take the initiative to do something about this. If not, you're going to be in the same old paranoid rut and you'll be posting back here again in another 6 months talking about a new co-worker you're suspicious about. Take charge and do something to make your situation better!

[wideawake]

I know a bunch of accountants and they ALL work huge hours this time of year.

 

From that perspective, it sounds pretty normal to me.

[christian]

I appologise.. I re-read my last reply and it's totally not me.. I appreciate your reply and any future replies.

 

I am paraniod from time to time.. I guess from my past experiences and gut feelings..

 

gut feelings can be wrong.. and it's strange how the subconcious mind works with your past experiences..

 

example:

 

I have been cheated on in the last 2 relationships I have been in and when my GF acts in a certian way or certian things happen that are exacly how one of my ex's acted when she was cheating on me -

 

I don't think of my ex in anyway, shape or form.. but my mind triggers a defensive reaction.. which is like a wall coming up saying "look and be careful"

 

when I anyalise this, I realise that I am comparing what happened in the past to my current relationship with my GF..

 

but the thing is - we are suppose to learn from our mistakes.. we learn from experience as well..

 

If I went with my gut instinct last year and broke up.. I would have made a big mistake..

 

I know last year that she thought the guy was hot that she was working with and I know that she talked about too many personal things with him, but I know she didn't cheat.

 

She gets very stressed out if I ever bring up anything regarding going out to lunch or dinner with co-workers etc.. and one of her huge things is being honest.. I think she has only lied to me one time that I know of.. it was regarding going out with a guy to dinner while she was away in IL on a trip..

 

She does tell me that she never talks about personal things, but one time I called her around noon and she went to hang up her cell phone and she didn't hit the button twice and I heard her talking to a guy at lunch..

 

he said "why don't you talk to him" and she replied "because he's stupid"

 

I almost died.. and almost cried.. I finally talked to her about it and she said she was talking abiout someone else.. but I know that wasn't true.. I'm over that, but the point was that by her saying that to this guy, it gives the impression that she isn't happy talking to me and rather talk to him because he is smart and she won't be interrupted by her own BF because he is more important.. it's a big ego booster for him at the least and a signal saying "I would choose you over my BF"

[Leikela]

Can't you sit her down and talk to her about all of this? Tell her your fears and why you react the way you do. Also, ask her why she doesn't want to have sex as often. Get to the root of things. You cannot go on living this way with her. You seriously need to talk with her. See what she says about the sex thing and take it from there. She may need counseling or you both may need it.

 

That's great that you recognize your responses from past relationships though. Work on that then. When you feel the old emotions coming back, tell yourself you're thinking this way because of the way you were treated in the past. It won't change your train of thought over night but you'll start to breathe easier. I've been there. One of my ex-boyfriends was so horrible. He cheated on me, had control issues, made me feel like a piece of s**t, talked to other girls online and lied about it, was a porn addict, etc etc... My boyfriend now is the complete opposite! He's sweet, genuine, truly loves me and would do anything for me. Yet sometimes I still find myself analyzing his actions and trying to find a way that he is doing wrong against me. It's crazy but I keep myself in check my telling myself he isn't my ex-boyfriend and slowly I am getting out of that funk.

 

So hang in there and work on yourself and try to break through to your girlfriend. It is possible to resolve this, but you have to work at it. Good luck to you!

[christian]

thanks..

 

I've asked her why about the lack of interest in sex, and she says because she is soo tired from work..

 

only thing is that last year when she worked just as much she wanted to have sex all the time and we we're working with the same time frame.. and if I didn't want to, she would get mad and sleep in another room until I would go get her..

 

I mentioned that a couple of times (about how she used to get mad) and she never says anything..

 

* sigh *

 

I did mention counciling last year and she said no..

 

she's differant in the fact that if I buy her flowers for no reason other then an I love you or for her b-day etc.. she gets mad and says she doesn't like flowers..

 

she also stopped buying me cards.. she used to get me a card once in awhile for the heck of it.. but she also didn't get me a card for my b-day and didn't get me one for x-mas.. that broke my heart..

 

I rather have gotten a card and nothing else at all.. (

 

she didn't put any thought into gifts for x-mas too.. just got me candy and a pair of gloves..

 

I don't even like candy..

 

I searched the net for things and went shopping looking for things that I know she liked..

 

it's hard because is it comfort level or is it falling out of love with me?

 

she changes when she works with certian people at her job.. that's what freaks me out..

 

I can live with certian things like her not liking the idea of marriage and children.. and her not liking the romantic things that I like to do.. but with the apathy towards the relationship and now the no sex thing.. I am turning back to the way I was last year.. which was a paroniod/jealous guy..

 

when we sit down and talk she says she is fine and she loves me and that she is tired.. that's all I ever get out of it.. but she is not as tired as she says.. I know living together with her for over a year..

[christian]

I agree.. I understand about the working long hour.. it's the crappy part of her job.. and anyone working such long hours with a 3 hour total train commute would be tired and crabby..

 

I'm trying to keep my past experiences in check and know that she loves me and wouldn't cheat.. I'm afraid since she see's this one guy all day long and eats with him and talks personal.. that maybe other feelings developed..

 

it's like I'm looking at everything from the ichy area to the not kissing me much and no sex and thinking that her feelings are changing..

 

she is coming home very happy lately..

 

but, on the other hand, I have stopped acting so depressed and upset and put on a happy face for her.. because she hated seeing me upset all the time..

 

I do feel better about alot of things, but I'm just worried..

 

guys are manipulative basterds sometimes and don't care if someone is involved and will give advice even if it's not asked..

 

she talks too much about personal things.. and who knows.. what this other guy is saying back to her?

 

maybe I need to meditate more often.. and just try to chill out..

[Leikela]

Well if you feel you've tried everything you can, then you need to make decision. Even if she's NOT cheating on you, can you live with the no sex and the strange way she is acting for the rest of your life? Not getting you a card for your Birthday and not putting any effort into your gifts definitely shows a lack of interest. Seriously, can you live with her treating you like this for the rest of your life??

 

I think it's time you had another talk with her and lay it all out on the line. Tell her you've tried to talk to her before, but to no avail. She isn't willing to get counseling and isn't willing to open up to you about the way she is acting. Tell her how it's affecting you and how it's not fair to you. Tell her you need to start thinking about yourself and your needs. She might not see how the relationship isn't the same, but you do and that should count for something. She should recognize and respect that and if she's not willing to try to change or open up, then you're outta there.

 

I think the issues here have gone beyond cheating. Like I said before, even if she is being totally faithful to you, you are being treated poorly. You deserve better. It's up to you what step is next. Good luck.

[christian]

thanks.. I think I know what's going on..

 

I think that her feelings have changed for me, she still loves me, but likes this other guy too..

 

she doesn't want to be the one to break up.. and she does still love me, just not the same.. so she is confused and thinks that the situation will solve itself without her not seeing this guy and me being the same.

 

she once told me of a girlfriend of her's that wanted to break up with her BF but didn't because she didn't want to hurt his feelings and so her friend lied to him and kept telling him that she loved him and acted dif.. eventually thet guy broke up with her and this disgusting woman dated someone the very next day from her job.. same place too.. they both work for the same accounting firm and know the same people..

 

She tells me that if she ever wanted someone else that she would break up with me..

 

I'll do my best here..

 

thanks again.

[wideawake]

Originally posted by christian

maybe I need to meditate more often.. and just try to chill out..

 

Best advise I've heard all day...not just for you, but probably for all of us.

[christian]

My girlfriend got an email from this guy she was working with last sept. - he was the guy that was immature and would always interrupt when I would call her on the phone to see if she would pay attention to him or me.. he would sing and tell her jokes etc.. this was at her job.. at a client site.. they would go out to lunch everyday and he would try to get her to go to dinner etc.. and tried to talk about personal things all the time. He knew/knows that she has a boyfriend too, cause I met him once for a few minutes..

 

anyway, he sent her an email last week that started like this..

 

Hey .... hows the man, hows the house, hows the job..

 

 

that's it.. first thing out of his mouth is how is the man?

 

first I was pissed.. then I read a reply that she sent and it said..

 

Chris is fine.. a couple of other things and then "what's with all the questions?"

 

I was sooo happy I could have pissed myself..

 

she actually took care of it.. I couldn't believe it!!

 

of course I'm mad that this jerk is still checking up on her to try and get with her.. cause I know my GF thinks he's hot and likes his company..

 

but she didn't say anything bad or try to lead him on with the flirtating BS..

 

ok.. my question to my friends on loveshack is..

 

should I call this guy if he keeps bothering her? or should I just chill and stop looking at the email when I can..

 

I know that is totally wrong for me to do.. I guess I just answered my own question..

 

ok any advice on to how I would know if she is going out to dinner/drinks with this guy?

 

in her eyes it would be innocent, but in his eyes it would look like she wants him and in my eyes it just sucks, cause she would never tell me..

[wideawake]

Originally posted by christian or should I just chill and stop looking at the email when I can..

 

yeah that one.

 

Looks like she is handling stuff fine on her own.

[christian]

it certainly makes me feel good to see her doing that..

 

my anyalitical mind gets me introuble.. I look into things very deep.. hold to every word said.. if someone says we.. I hold it to 2 people etc..

 

she keeps asking me lately "do I look fat.. then jokes around with me saying "you want me fat so no other man wants me and you can have me to yourself"

 

but she says it joking around.. and smiling..

 

so she is kidding with me about the other guy thing

 

it's hard to admit, but looks like I am the one who was making things up in my head because I've been cheated on the last 3 relationships and me and my GF have been going out for 2 years..

 

hate when she works so late - leaves at 6:20 in the morning and comes home at 11pm at night.

 

she did tell me last night something that made me nervious. we were just talking about all sorts of things and sex came up.

 

she talked about her breast size and asked me if they looked bigger I said I don't think so and I told her I wouldn't care if she was an a cup or dd cup.. cause I love her.. it's true..

 

then we talked about my ughmm.. * blush * size.. and she was saying that I made her loose over the last 2 years.. and that she didn't have sex for over 3 years and since we have sex all the time it made her loose.

 

I asked her would it be better if I was longer and she said sometimes..

 

then I said well what if I was like a pencil and 14" that wouldn't be good right and she agreed..

 

anyway enough about that.. I think it made me nervious because one ex GF cheated on me one time when things weren't soo good and it was with a guy with a bigger thing between his legs and that's what started the process.

 

you do it once by mistake or vulnerability and feel guilty and then as time passes you miss it or feel you won't get caught etc.. and it continues and then feelings develop and bam.. you stuck in a love triagle where everyone gets hurt.. or the nice guy gets hurt.

 

I'm afraid that a guy at her job is going to try to get her to go out this friday night before Valentines day because his birthday is on Valentines day and it's on a saturday.. Her cover if she wanted it would be that she has to work late. and she works in NY and we live in NJ so.. not sure how to handle it..

 

should I just chill?

 

any advice?

[SoleMate]

Ask yourself what it would honestly take for you to feel 100% confident and secure in your gf. Would it be a phone call from work every day? Would it be her always having a smile and a kiss for you when she comes home? Would it be her letting you read her email whenever you want? Would it be her quitting her job, or working from home so you could keep an eye on he? Would it be her working a job that was strict 9-5, with no overtime? Would it be her giving you caresses everyday and telling you how much she loves you?

 

Please think seriously about what it would take. Then ask yourself if it seems reasonable to ask her for that or not. It's really between the two of you what is fair or reasonable.

 

Then, ask her for what you need.

[christian]

well.. she tells me she loves me on a daily basis as do I.. ughmm.. I think honestly the only problem that I have that makes me insecure is that she goes out with guys to lunch and dinner everyday and in the past a couple of them have tried to pour drinks down her throat.. sometime guys get the wrong idea and she talks about personal things with them.. stuff dealing with me.. even though she tells me she doesn't talk about me.

 

I have asked her in the past if she would not go to lunch or dinner with these guys or to just not go alone, just her and one guy and she said no.

 

I look at it as it's a date. one girl, one guy, a meal, conversation other then work, laughing and a good time and attraction. (she has told me that a couple of the guys were hot)

 

it makes me nervious because working 12+ hours a day with someone and only seeing your BF for 1 hour before you go to sleep.. feelings could develop even if you don't want them to.. I've seen this in many threads on this website.

 

I wouldn't be half as nervious if she hadn't lied to me about going out to dinner/drinks with her co-workers in the past. and anytime they have an event (special party) when it says you can bring significant others etc.. she says they said you can't bring your spouse because it's a small event and she would go with one of these guys. but I read the email and it said you could bring anyone.

 

anyway..

 

I guess I can't change her when it comes to other guys.. if I was going out with other women to lunch and dinner everyday, she would be extremely jealous I know she would.

[wideawake]

Dude, I think you're working yourself up for no reason.

 

BUT - I'm not sure why she would be going out to dinner all the time either...lunch sure, but why dinner.

 

I would have issues with that. No doubt about it.

 

And, if she want's to go out on a Friday night, she should ask you if you want to join her. If not, than again, I would be a little pissed. Not if it's once in a while, but if it's all the time than I think you have more than enough reason to be bent.

 

I've had situations like this in the past (not with people I've been with for two years...but still) and I had to put my foot down and let her know what I was comfortable with and what I was not. Than it's up to her what she wishes to do. I think she's taking it a little too far though and I think I would also have some issues if I was in your shoes.

[SoleMate]

OK, now I get it. Drinks being poured down her throat...against her will? No. She's a licensed accountant, right? not a helpless child. Frequent one on one lunches with hot guys, and worst of all, not wanting you at the work party where SOs are invited. Lying repeatedly to keep you away from her pool of hot guys.

 

...if I was going out with other women to lunch and dinner everyday, she would be extremely jealous...

Yeah, cheaters tend to be jealous. They think everyone else is up to the same thing they are.

 

She, I am sure, loves getting lots of heavy flirtatious attention from guys all around her. Showing up with a live-in boyfriend would put a damper on her activities.

 

If I were you, I would tell her calmly but clearly that I could not accept any more 1:1 lunches, any afterwork dinners without me, any lies about her whereabouts or doings, and any failure to invite me to work functions where SOs are permitted. She may kick, and if so, you have a choice. For a while anyway. The way she's going, she may very well come home one day and tell you that it's all over between the two of you anyhow.

 

BTW...I am not sure that she has "cheated" in the sense of getting naked and horizontal. That's not clear. But it IS clear that she is deliberately keeping you away from the men she works with, and that has NO innocent explanation.

[wideawake]

SoleMate really sums this up well, I couldn't agree more.

[bigheart]

Dude - there are a couple ways to find out what she really thinks about you and if there is another guy and what she really thinks about him.

 

Women are conniving. They will play you if you let them. You are their comfort zone but somebody else is getting the goddies. Do you know what I mean? Don't let yourself get trampled.

 

I won't go into details here on this forum about some of the equally conniving things you can do to get at the truth (and I mean the real truth - right from her mouth) but find out for free at www DontBeCheated dot com. You can thank me later! (Or you can stay a door mat)

[christian]

it's kind of hard because, I had no way of knowing that anyone was invited other then me snooping at her email (which was wrong) but she did flat out lie and say it was a small event and she couldn't bring anyone else and then wound up going with a guy she thought was hot in his car.. so whenever he left she did.. that sucked..

 

anytime I ask her about dinner or lunch now adays, she gets mad and says she hardly ever goes out that they eat there at the client site.

 

thing is I want to find out if she is getting out of work earlier like 6:30 or 7:pm and telling me she is working late and really going out with someone else to dinner or whatever.

 

she thinks it's innocent to lie about that stuff, but to me even if she isn't doing anything wrong, WHY lie to me or just not say anything if it's innocent?

 

I know that she got an email to go to a cocktail thing this friday night.. she told me she has to work super late this week and next week.. meaning getting home after 11pm.. I don't think she would be going to this one anyway.. but it's about time that she went somewhere with her boyfriend, instead of everyone else.

 

I emailed a friend/co-worker of hers at her job (cool guy) and he said no problem that they planed on getting out of work about 7pm, but he will make sure she can leave at 5pm.. I am going to NY on friday to suprise her and take her to dinner.

 

I think she might be a little pissed about me coming to her job, cause it's like she doesn't want anyone to know about me or something.. she is strange about that stuff.. but I want to do it because I know on Valentines day she will be sleeping the whole day because she will be exhausted from the workweek.

 

so I planned it with this guy to let me in the building and bring me upstairs and then he will let her leave early (he has pull with the uppers)