Friends to Lovers - Hurt

[FallingDown]

Hi - been lurking around looking for some answers to this....I've cried my eyes out for so many months now over this situation.

 

I met this man who turned out to be wonderful.....we started out as just friends, but it started getting serious. Over the course of a few months, we wound up sleeping together...actually spent a few days together in the process and the whole time was pure bliss. He was so sweet and charming...passionate and tender....I've never known a man like that. He stirred up emotions and feelings in me that I forgot I even had.

 

A few weeks after our time together, he got real quiet one day and sort of shut me out. I found out later what it was, but I felt like we had this relationship going and he should have been able to trust me with it or at least tell me not to worry about it...had nothing to do with me. Instead, he got really mad at me because I couldn't get him to talk to me at all and I got worried that I had done something wrong, so I said that was it....over. He finally contacted me and let me know what it was but was mad at me and said I was being selfish...I was so hurt, I said some horrible things back to him and at the end of it, we were pretty much Done/Over with him closing the door on our relationship.

 

We didn't speak for a few days, but then started talking again. For a few weeks we were very cautious with each other and then it started getting flirty....I didn't really know where I stood, so I came right out and told him that I missed him. He said he missed me too but was worried about trying to go back "there" as we hurt each other so much. We did wind up spending some time together again and again, it was wonderful.

 

After that, we had another blowout.....total misunderstanding and not something I felt that I did to him, but he did to himself. Since then, we have done nothing but argue and fight just in the attempts to try and stay friends. He will say some of the most horrible things to me that I wouldn't even say to a friend. I mean you don't purposely say things to anyone that would undermine their self-confidence or make them feel horrible about themselves if you care about them, but we both seem to do that an awful lot these days. A lot of it was more about how bad I treat people/him especially. He says that he still wants to be just friends, but then there are times when he will turn flirty and I have to just turn it off because my heart can't handle it. Then we seem to get mean to each other again. It's horrible because I feel so much for him, but my head is telling me that I can't keep talking to him or keep him as a friend due to the pain. My heart doesn't want to let him go though....so I feel like I'm being strung-along, but I'm not sure if I am doing that to myself or if he is.

 

It makes it harder that we are both trying to move on....dating and such, but it hurts me when he talks about dating and he's pretty much said that he doesn't like hearing me talk about it either. Either jealousy or just generally being uncomfortable with it. Is it possible to go back to being just friends when you know you feel something more for someone than just that? Maybe I am just a horrible person....at this point, I feel so lost and hurt that I don't feel like I deserve any happiness anymore at all.

Edited June 29, 2010 by FallingDown

[norajane]

Is it possible to go back to being just friends when you know you feel something more for someone than just that?

 

No, actually, it's not possible.

 

You two sound like you're really bad for each other. You bring out the worst in each other. Don't let those few days of bliss lead you to believe you are a good couple or are supposed to be together.

[StarrySkyBlue]

I think you two have MAJOR problems with communicating with each other. Now the relationship/friendship is so full of negative feelings I don't think you should continue with it. At the very least both of you should take some time off to think about it. And unless you can fix the miscommunication problem, you're just going to end up hurting each other even more.

[FallingDown]

No, actually, it's not possible.

 

You two sound like you're really bad for each other. You bring out the worst in each other. Don't let those few days of bliss lead you to believe you are a good couple or are supposed to be together.

 

I know...I wish that we didn't do this to each other...and of course I feel like it's all my fault. Once I start to feel secure in a relationship, I get paranoid....just wait for the goodbye....I think too much, get paranoid and destroy it. I wish I knew why or could change that, but I always feel like it's my fault and I did something wrong.

 

I think you two have MAJOR problems with communicating with each other. Now the relationship/friendship is so full of negative feelings I don't think you should continue with it. At the very least both of you should take some time off to think about it. And unless you can fix the miscommunication problem, you're just going to end up hurting each other even more.

 

I agree, the communication has gotten horrible and just keeps getting worse. I've asked for space and he pulls back and gets upset, but yet it's over...so that just confuses me even more. I know it's me, it has to be me...I've been led to believe it is me and I just don't know any way to fix it. I think you are right, it just needs to end.

 

Thank you both for your feedback.

[norajane]

I know...I wish that we didn't do this to each other...and of course I feel like it's all my fault. Once I start to feel secure in a relationship, I get paranoid....just wait for the goodbye....I think too much, get paranoid and destroy it. I wish I knew why or could change that, but I always feel like it's my fault and I did something wrong.

It's not all you! He is playing his part in this, too.

 

That's why I say you bring out the worst in each other. If he had different reactions and actions, you wouldn't necessarily be in this mess right now. The initial issue was that you were upset he shut you out, didn't know why, and when you tried to talk to him to understand, he got mad at you. That started this chain reaction.

 

So don't take all the blame, here. That's also why YOU can't fix it, not alone. HE has to make choices that will help defuse, too, and instead, both of you just escalate.

[ithinkiknowbutidont]

I was in the same situation as you. After read comments I can understand why now.

[Jordanjames]

I think the OP needs to distance herself from this man he causes her so much heartache. I don't know how much time you should stay away from him? However, I think time apart can help you. The old say says time heals wounds. You just need some time to yourself I think.

[princehole]

After I got divorced, I started dating someone who I had been friends with for a few years. Having been friends before we became interested in each other let us really get to know each other as people and decide that we really like and respect each other... We are now married and have 2 children together. For me, it is definitely the best thing that has ever happened to me.