My mother is not normal... and I don't know why

[ratingsguy]

I guess I'm posting this to get other perspectives, because maybe I'm missing something.

 

My mom and dad have been married for nearly 40 years now. My dad is disabled and my mom takes care of him. Growing up and to this day, my parents have never had any friends (at least after they got married from what I can tell). House guests were always just family (which is small) and I can only remember just *one* instance where a co-worker of my dad's came over for the evening. Other than that, I never remember my parents entertaining. Ever. No friends.

 

As a kid, I never felt that I could please my mom. My dad was much more supportive, but always bowed to my mother... which continues to this day. She was never the loving nurturing type. Never encouraged me, never said she loved me, seldom allowed me to invite friends over. Heck, I didn't (and still don't) have a key to the house. Shortly after becoming an adult and moving out of the house I stopped trying to please her.

 

My mother has a very negative perspective towards many things in life. She approaches everything she does with caution. There have been periods where we have not spoke, mainly because she was angry at me over something stupid. But then she'll warm up to me again until something new rocks the boat and she doesn't want to talk with me. The whole process is very tiresome.

 

I'm currently engaged to be married and my fiancee has been very supportive. A few months into dating we asked my parents out to dinner. They accepted and I thought we had a good time. Although knowing my mother it was not because she cared, but rather because she just wanted to find something wrong with my girlfriend. My mother has no social abilities at times. They invited us out to lunch once and seemed more interested in seeing our dog than seeing us. And my mother made it clear to me on the phone prior to her visit that we were to order pizza and nothing else. Privately, my fiancee was like, "huh?", and all I could tell her was, "That's my mom."

 

Now things get dicey. My parents have some money (as do I... which my mother I suspect is jealous of) and my mother tells me that if I ever leave the area (as opposed to be nearby so I can care for them when they get to that age), I will be written out of their will. I informed my mother that her money doesn't interest me, but if and when they need me I'll always be here. Well I guess that talk didn't go over too well and the next thing I knew my mother slammed the door in my face. This was this past November.

 

It's sad, but I just don't care about her. If she's not in my life it doesn't bother me. She's just going to be an angry negative person and there's nothing I can do to change that. But at the urging of my fiancee I apologized (not knowing what I was apologizing for) and we're talking again. Sort of. I called today to ask what she would like for her birthday and now she thinks it's not a great idea to exchange presents. I said, "you mean this time?" and she said, "no, going forward." I mean, why did she even have kids to begin with?

 

My mother has shown no interest and has asked no questions about my engagement or wedding, much like everything else in my life that's mattered to me over the years. My guess is that she won't come to the wedding. While this is really baffling to my fiancee (as I guess it would be to anyone, really), she has been very supportive. She's extended multiple invites for holidays and one to be part of the wedding planning and everything has been turned down.

 

I just don't understand. Her only son is in the process of getting married and eventually starting a family. While most normal mothers dream about such things, it doesn't even come up in conversation. I'd be lying if it didn't hurt a little bit, but she's always been this way, so I'm used to it by now. And as sad as it sounds, I really don't want a relationship with my mother if she's going to be this way. But I wish she wasn't this way. But after living a life of negativity and isolating yourself from other people, I suppose there's no hope left for her.

 

Does all this seem bizarre? Has anyone else gone through anything similar with their mother? Even after all these years, I still don't get it.

[Disillusioned]

Neurologists refuse to do the comparative brain scans, but I learned long ago that mother + normal are 2 words which don't go together. I thought it was just my mother, but my neighbor's mother is even more bizarre than mine was.

 

I guess you'd have to be a woman with kids in order to understand...

[D-Lish]

I think it's great that after all you went through with such a negative mother that you sought out a healthy relationship with a woman. It could have gone the other way! You could have sought out women just like your mother in order to seek the approval you missed out on as a child.

 

Whether or not your mother is "normal" is relative. One thing she isn't, is nice.

 

I am sure your fiance is baffled because she grew up in a much different environment than you did. I remember my ex-H saying to me that he didn't know what a healthy family was until he got to know mine. His mother was manipulative and needy, whereas my parents were supportive, forgiving and loving.

 

You can't change your mother, she is who she is. The only thing yu can control is you, and how you react to her, or how you let her affect you.

 

One thing I can say is that you've obviously had enough positive influence in your life to make healthy choices- maybe your dad?

 

If your mother doesn't want to participate in your happiness, that's her issue. You don't need her approval in order to make your life work, you've already proved this.

[sb129]

You can't change your mother, she is who she is. The only thing yu can control is you, and how you react to her, or how you let her affect you.

 

One thing I can say is that you've obviously had enough positive influence in your life to make healthy choices- maybe your dad?

 

If your mother doesn't want to participate in your happiness, that's her issue. You don't need her approval in order to make your life work, you've already proved this.

 

I second this.

 

You are starting the next phase of your life, and you recognise your mothers faults.

It sounds like you have a lovely fiancee, and that you guys won't pass the family angst onto your kids- thats the best thing you can do.

 

Good luck. Sorry to hear about your mothers behaviour, its her loss.

[lovingagain]

Can I be perfectly honest, I know what it is like to live with negativity from parents and it screws with your head. I had it from both parents, so you are luckier. My brother did the right thing and got out of it without guilt whereas I was left to pick up the pieces. Sounds to me like she is jealous of your girlfriend. I remember when I was in my twenties, the day I was going to America for six months, she behaved like I was going to the shops or something, weird. Can't help much with the coping but truly understand how it feels, and hope that helps. All I can say positively, is that you will find when you have children, that it will make you a better parent.

[Corporate]

And my mother made it clear to me on the phone prior to her visit that we were to order pizza and nothing else. Privately, my fiancee was like, "huh?", and all I could tell her was, "That's my mom."

 

What's wrong with wanting pizza and pizza only for lunch or dinner?

[Shakz]

All you can do is love your mother. I know that sounds simplistict and difficult, but it's all you can do. Whatever she says, answer it with respectful acknowlegement, then do what you would otherwise do. When she complains, commiserate, but do what you will. She is your mother. Not all of them are saints, but really, she needs you. If you divorce yourself from her, you will never forgive yourself.

[AVR1962]

Rantingsguy.....your mom and mine sound very much alike. I always thought I was the problem and something was wrong with me, she sure indicated that....seemingly hated my dad, closed herself off to the word, everything was bad and everything was negative. I wanted a relationship with my mom but it was like trying to get close to a brick wall, it simply wasn't going to happen. Many times wished my parents would divorce as I thought maybe my dad was the source of her paina nd just maybe she'd find happiness without him but she is way too dependent for that. Only one part of her life did I see another side of her and that was when she finally got herself out of the house and got a job but unfortunately it didn't last and she went bakc to her reclusive state.

 

I am 47, have learned to just accept my mom for who she is and figure her childhood probably was a start to her unhappiness. I suspect my mom may possibly have a disorder but of course that's not for me to explore. I see my mom as A-social, something to look up if you don't know what that menas, and she has been plagued with depression all her life. She is aware of the seasonal depression but I think the rest she can't see in herself. I think she closes off the world to protect herself and that's where all the negative comments stem.

 

You may never be close, she may never participate (I have 3 children and didn't come to one graduation, she didn't even attend my oldest's wedding). Don't knock yourself out, she is who she is and she will not change. She may not be a lot of fun to be around but I am not sure she really wants visitors anyway. When my sister and I moved away, they made one bedroom into an office and the other bedroom into a storage room and there's not one extra bed or hide-a-bed in the house. She once said she didn't want company to think they had a place to stay with them. When I visit I stay at a hotel and we set up a time to meet. It's not what I wanted from my mom but there was no choice on my part. I do not cry and harp about her to my family but my kids whoare in their 20's now are starting to see that something is not right with Gma. I just tell them that's the way she has always been, hoping that will help them to be more accepting too.

 

I do hope you had a good connection to a female role in your life though, this stuff can really mess with your head. I had a real close relationship with my Gma (my mom's mom which of course made my mom mad). I consider her my second mom as my mom was not available to me. It was thru her that I saw kindness, love and forgiveness.

[Tayla]

All you can do is love your mother. I know that sounds simplistict and difficult, but it's all you can do. Whatever she says, answer it with respectful acknowlegement, then do what you would otherwise do. When she complains, commiserate, but do what you will. She is your mother. Not all of them are saints, but really, she needs you. If you divorce yourself from her, you will never forgive yourself.

 

The problem is if that relationship never hit the deserving title of MOTHER in the true sense. Sorry but I lost my biological Dad Three years ago, The man made sure I knew I wasnt wanted or deserved his approval or love. So do I miss him or regret divorcing him in my heart??? Heck no! Shocking news...some folks just arent meant to be parents ...they suck the spirit and life out of others....SO sometimes its best to cut the loss...

 

I am upset that OP apologized...but that is water under the bridge....He did and now his engaged gal can see it makes no difference.....May the wedding be a lovely event!