Emotionally Abusive Mother

[nikayla]

I am a 21-year-old college student who has always sought my mother's approval. She and my father are ministers who have raised four biological children and adopted six children--including me. I enrolled in the magnet high school an hour away from home to please her. She refused to help me pay for my first year of college as promised, so I had to withdraw and work for a year. I landed a full-time scholarship at a prestigious university, maintained a 3.5 gpa, and went to school year round to escape my family. I finally needed a break after two years and took a semester off to work. My mother, who seemed so welcoming at first, refused to let me hang out with my "low-life" friends, took away my car, made me babysit my younger siblings at night, and berated me in front of family members. Her criticism hurt me, and withdrew and isolated myself as my self-esteem and physical appearance deteriorated. Additionally, I discovered that she obtained $5,000 for my education tax credit this year; and yet she insists that I should cover fees and the family contribution on my own. To play devil's advocate, she caught me drinking underage a year ago, but I feel that I have paid for my mistakes. I am currently living with my boyfriend and working full-time until the fall semester. I have to keep him a secret because she does not approve of me dating. Even so, she seeks ways to control my life and I cannot help but fall in her trap. I love my family wholeheartedly, but i want this cycle to end.

[Ronni_W]

nikayla,

Congratulations on all your accomplishments! You have obviously overcome many challenges, and your achievements speak to your own strength, determination and resilience. Well done!

 

I agree with BG that, as a self-supporting, self-reliant adult, you get to make your own choices and decisions, and can set your own boundaries of how you will be treated by others...including your mother.

 

The challenge to overcome may be around you continuing, as an adult, to seek your mother's approval (or anybody else's but your own, for that matter.) It becomes a futile endeavour and unrealistic goal to want approval from individuals who are incapable of, or unwilling to, give you their approval.

 

It is sad, frustrating, disappointing and painful...but it still is on you, as an adult, to accept your mother's personality and limitations exactly as they exist, rather than just keep trying to get blood from a stone, as it were. You are in charge of ending the cycle; you're the only one who can do that for yourself.

 

Until you tell yourself, and truly believe, that you are going to be perfectly fine, happy and successful even without her approval, you will always feel vulnerable and controlled -- but it's that you're being controlled by your own (unrealistic at this point) need/desire for her approval.

 

You need only look at how much you have already achieved WITHOUT her approval to know that, in reality, her opinions do not matter to your happiness and success. They may still matter to your heart, and that's the part that needs you acceptance of who she is and forgiveness of who she's not. If that makes sense?

 

You are the same person with or without her approval; you are lovable, acceptable, important and valuable no matter what

Wishing you continued success in your endeavours, and a long, healthy and VERY HAPPY life.

[AVR1962]

Nickayla.....I feel for you! I saw a very similiar public situation that reminds me of the story you have posted. Husband and I were out to dinner and in the next booth it was obvious that the young man that was with the older couple was home on spring break, the young man had been telling stories of drinking and I could see his parent's disapproval. He asked if he could order a margarita, said he'd never tried one, I would guess the young man was 19 or 20. His mother voiced great disapproval, and slandered people who drink. She would not stop and the fatehr joined in. Finally, the young man put on his headset and started listening to music and zoning his parents out which made them all the more angry and even more hateful, belittling comments came from the parents. the young man put himself in his own little world because he knew he coudl not please his parents. I was so hot under the collar just watching this play out. I have 5 children and while they may not be perfect I am not knocking them for what they are trying to figure out in their own lives.

 

Regardless of the story, I'm afriad you have a long journey trying to find youself and figuring out whetehr you really need to try and please your adoptive parents. I am detached from the situation so I can easily look at this and just say that is best to go on your own way, you don't need this but you have attachments and that makes it much more difficult.