What is it?

[JaneDoe35]

My husband has left his young girlfriend. He still gives me all the signs of 'loving' me. But it is too late. The pain is too great. I will always love him and I still 'help' him but I can't ever be with him.

 

The loss is overwhelming. For all of us.

 

Now I have no idea how to love again. I don't even recognise it. I am 'seeing' a fantastic man. But I have no real idea how I feel. Do I like him, love him? I haven't a clue. I am too scared to acknowledge how I really feel.

 

I guess this is common?

[TaraMaiden]

Wrong.

'Loving' isn't the problem.

 

You don't know how to TRUST again.

 

That comes with counselling.

And Time.

[hopesndreams]

My husband has left his young girlfriend. He still gives me all the signs of 'loving' me. But it is too late. The pain is too great. I will always love him and I still 'help' him but I can't ever be with him.

 

The loss is overwhelming. For all of us.

 

Now I have no idea how to love again. I don't even recognise it. I am 'seeing' a fantastic man. But I have no real idea how I feel. Do I like him, love him? I haven't a clue. I am too scared to acknowledge how I really feel.

 

I guess this is common?

 

Why will you always love him? He has emotionally abused you. Why would you still want to "help" him? In what ways is he deserving of your help?

 

You will never know how to love again as long as you are harbouring feelings for the man that has treated you so horribly.

[tojaz]

Wrong.

'Loving' isn't the problem.

 

You don't know how to TRUST again.

 

That comes with counselling.

And Time.

 

Tara hit the nail right on the head Jane. No need to rush into love or even trying to define what it is you have found in him. Just enjoy his company and let yourself heal. If hes worth your time he will understand and can be patient with that.

 

When your ready you'll know.

 

TOJAZ

[2.50 a gallon]

At the least, it has the possibility of the beginning of a friendship.

 

Just by your asking, it tells me that some part of you recognizes that this has possibilities. After what you have been through, your every instinct is to run. But you are already wondering, "What is lt"

 

For now leave it as a maybe. If you like spending time with him, enjoy.

 

We are no longer teenagers, who can fall in love at the drop of the hat.

[habs53]

At the least, it has the possibility of the beginning of a friendship.

 

Just by your asking, it tells me that some part of you recognizes that this has possibilities. After what you have been through, your every instinct is to run. But you are already wondering, "What is lt"

 

For now leave it as a maybe. If you like spending time with him, enjoy.

 

We are no longer teenagers, who can fall in love at the drop of the hat.

That is a very good answer. I think the trust will come back in time.

[trippi1432]

Hi Jane,

 

I agree, Tara hit on it very well...it's the trust that you have to find again and that takes time. While people do and can change, you still need to let time pass to ensure that those changes are really what you are 'seeing'. (I'm assuming that you were referring to the ex for your entire OP.)

 

Hang in there and give it some time.

 

Hugs!!

 

Trippi

[JaneDoe35]

Trust - yes this is naturally a huge issue. Anyone that has been betrayed knows how difficult it is to believe anything that anyone says!

 

I am not sure why I will always love my husband. Could be just the length of time spent together. He was just 20 and I was 21 when we met in 1996. So perhaps the love will fade. If I could I would switch off any feelings I had for him instantly.

 

I don't know why I still help him - could be that he wont let me go completely. He made the decision to leave but has never actually let me get on with life. I know I have to do this myself but it makes it harder as I didn't want our marriage to end.

 

The new man in my life - I am enjoying his company. He is very patient. At times I want to stop seeing him because I get so afraid. But part of me knows already that we have potential.

 

I have never begun a relationship at a 'mature' age. It is so different. I used to just jump in with no thought of whether the object of my affection was suitable. Now I write checklists!!!! Not very romantic.

 

Thanks so much for all your thoughts on this - all very helpful.

 

I will just concentrate on my daughter and enjoy the time spent with this new possibility.

[trippi1432]

That's all you can do now hun...just concentrate on you and your daughter...the rest will come in time. This new guy...is he local...do you get to see him often to keep the ex out of the picture?

 

I still have you on IM, so feel free to talk anytime.

[2.50 a gallon]

Jane

 

My GF and I were both once in your shoes.

 

For me there was no way I was ever going to love or trust again. The thought of it scared me enough to run for over 15 years.

 

My GF, married young to get out of the house, the XH turned alcoholic and abusive. A couple of years after her divorce she fell in love and moved in with Mr. Perfect. Then he probably went into a MLC, turned to drugs, lost his job. They separated, with the idea that they would probably reunite after he cleaned up his act.

 

I was supposed to be just a FWB's until his return. She repeatedly told me she loved me as a friend, but was in love with the XBF and was certain that she could never love or trust again.

 

That was over 14 years ago, and we have been there for over 13 years now.

 

I totally love and trust her. Hardly a day goes by with out her telling me "ILY". It didn't happen over night.

 

I have no doubt that the time will come when you too will be in our shoes. When the time comes, don't be afraid, be cautious and just let it happen.

[hopesndreams]

Trust - yes this is naturally a huge issue. Anyone that has been betrayed knows how difficult it is to believe anything that anyone says!

 

I am not sure why I will always love my husband. Could be just the length of time spent together. He was just 20 and I was 21 when we met in 1996. So perhaps the love will fade. If I could I would switch off any feelings I had for him instantly.

 

Sorry, that sounds like a cop out.

 

I don't know why I still help him - could be that he wont let me go completely. He made the decision to leave but has never actually let me get on with life. I know I have to do this myself but it makes it harder as I didn't want our marriage to end.

 

You are working at letting him go completely right? Why do you need his permission to get on with your life? You didn't want the M to end, but he did. Don't forget that.

The new man in my life - I am enjoying his company. He is very patient. At times I want to stop seeing him because I get so afraid. But part of me knows already that we have potential.

 

I have never begun a relationship at a 'mature' age. It is so different. I used to just jump in with no thought of whether the object of my affection was suitable. Now I write checklists!!!! Not very romantic.

 

I don't believe in checklists. The only thing expected from me, for the next man in my life would be that he never cheated or helped someone cheat.

Thanks so much for all your thoughts on this - all very helpful.

 

I will just concentrate on my daughter and enjoy the time spent with this new possibility.

 

Concentrate on you. Your daughter will reap the benefits.

[JaneDoe35]

Thanks 2.50 and HnD.

 

I am feeling very good about the new man in my life.

 

He is pretty special.......

 

My husband is having major issues with me 'moving on'.

 

He had told me he wanted me to be happy, but that doesn't appear to be

 

the case now that I am.

 

I find it hard to hurt his feelings even after all he has done. Even writing

 

that makes little sense to me.

 

Oh well, time will help.

 

Thanks so much to everyone.

[floridapad]

Hey Jane

 

Good to see you are healing. It does take time and meeting other people always lets you know there are other good people out there. Your STBXH is apparently still in selfish mode from that midlife thing. I know you still care about him but just can't be with him. Thats pretty much how I feel about the stbx. Don't know if I call it love, because there is no trust and without trust there is no true love IMHO. I can't say I love my wife anymore but I loved her (past tense) for who she once was. I keep getting that old image and feeling jumbled up in me but I KNOW I don't love her because I trust her about as far as I can throw her and she too is still in selfish mode. I prefer to say I will always care about my stbx. Not sure if that makes sense to you.

 

Im so glad you are "seeing" someone. Hope your having fun. Be patient and don't get discouraged. Two steps forward and one step back and before you know it you will be able to trust and feel true romantic love again.

 

Hope the little one is doing well. She is adorable.

[JaneDoe35]

Hey FP,

 

So glad you responded today. Was just feeling so confused.

 

And you described exactly how I feel about my husband.

 

Which has really helped me.

 

I also feel so 'jumbled up' when it comes to him. Just the way you

 

do about your wife.

 

No true love without trust. Exactly.

 

Strange how just reading your post has cleared things a little

 

in my head.

 

That's what coming here can do sometimes.

 

My daughter is going quite well. She is incredible. So strong yet so

 

sensitive too.

 

I hope you and your girls are going OK.

 

Thanks again FP, may PM you if that is OK.

 

Jane.