My GF and I haven't talked in a week !!!

[Roy_4u]

Hi love gurus,

 

My girlfriend and I haven't spoken in a week and it's driving me nuts. I'm not sure if she wants to break up but I truly adore her to death and am missing her very much.

 

We started seeing each other a couple of months ago. We had an incredible first few dates and really good chemistry. We both wanted to take things slow physically. We had really began to like each others company - in fact she is the one who just a few weeks ago told me that she feels very comfortable with me. I still don't know exactly what she meant by that, but I took it as a compliment.

 

A few days ago I asked her (casually) if there is anything about me that she doesn't like. She said that she doesn't like the fact that I'm way too quiet. Well actually I am sort of a quiet person by nature, but I am a very good listener and I believe in actions more than words. I also have a creative bent - painting, writing etc. so I actually spend a lot of time thinking than talking/gossiping - you get the idea, right?

 

She also said that she understands that it's my nature and I am very different from the people she has met before. Things were good between us so I really didn't think this was that big of deal.

 

The Saturday before last we went out on a date with her friends (first time). It went well. I think her friends liked me too. The next day (Sunday) she had plans with some of her friends but she ditched them and went out with me instead. I told her that I would like to introduce her to my friends too and she said she would love that. So things were going really well.

 

She didn't call me on Monday last week. I texted her late at night to see if everything was ok and she called back saying all was well ..she just had a busy day. We chatted for 5 minutes.

 

Tuesday ..neither she called me, nor did I.

 

Wednesday ..I called her in the evening and we chatted for a few minutes ..I asked her how her day was etc. Then there was some silence. Then suddenly she got really upset. She said that it really frustrates her I don't talk much and that she has met quiet people before but I am an "extreme case". Then she said that she doesn't believe asking other people to change for her ..so she doesn't expect me to change and be artifical around her. After this conversation, I very politely told that I understand and I am sorry. Sensing that she is in a bad mood, I told her that I have to drop off coz I have some work to do. I wanted to give her some space.

10 minutes later she called me back and apologized. Asked if I was offended and again I politely said "no I am not" and that she should not worry too much. We hung up within a few seconds.

 

Since then neither has she called me, nor have I. I have a feeling that she wants to break up with me. What should I do? Should I call her? Should I give her some more space and wait for her to call me? Or should I move on?

 

I am very sure she is not seeing someone else. She is not that type of a girl.

 

Thanks,

Roy

[White Dove]

Since then neither has she called me, nor have I. I have a feeling that she wants to break up with me. What should I do? Should I call her? Should I give her some more space and wait for her to call me? Or should I move on?

 

Give her a call and talk to her about this. You won't know if she wants to break up or if you both can work this out somehow, pick up the phone and give her a call.

[Jilly Bean]

She's moved on, hon.

 

She's told you a few times that she finds you too quiet, to the point that she finally showed true frustration over it.

 

Chalk it up to personality incompatibility.

[MyNameIsJane]

If you don't want to break up - you have got to call. She is definitely pulling away and you (and her) have already made it abundantly clear you are the quiet one... and she doesn't like it. If you do not start stepping up, then she is gone. I am not saying you have to run around and be loud, etc... but if she is your girlfriend, you probably should be talkative to an extent with her.

 

Not calling her will drive the final nail in the coffin.

[Roy_4u]

Thank you all for your replies so far. Most of you recommend that I call her.

I thought of doing so too ..but what do I tell her? I mean if she has already made up her mind that we're incompatible because of my quietness then how will me calling her help? On the other hand I may come across as being desperate.

 

I just cannot believe that despite both of us having so much in common and all the good times we've had together, she would get hung up on this one thing. I show her that I care for her in so many ways ..and I truly do. Even she has acknowledged that from time to time. I am a true gentleman around her ...opening doors for her, always well dressed, polite, attentive, complementing her occasionally.

Is it so hard for her to understand that communication doesn't mean talking all the time? people communicate with each other through many ways ..by their actions, by being physically intimate with each other, through a creative outlet. I am just one of those people. Maybe she just doesn't get that or perhaps we haven't spent enough time with each other yet for her to see that side of me. It's unfortunate.

Edited June 29, 2010 by Roy_4u
typos

[Jilly Bean]

Is it so hard for her to understand that communication doesn't mean talking all the time?

 

And is it so hard for you to realize that she WANTS a guy who is a high communicator? Verbally?

 

I enjoy give and take conversation. And guys like you exhaust me, because I end up having to do all the work.

 

You're trying/wanting to change her. NOT going to happen.

 

She waited for you to change, and you didn't, so she moved on.

 

If you want to contact her, I would do it for closure only - just to say goodbye and wish her well, but beyond that, the two of you

[MyNameIsJane]

Not saying it is this for sure... but think of it as a test - we are girls after all.

 

She has told you that you're too quiet... and regardless of how you feel about communication, SHE needs more.

 

Maybe you don't have to say anything about it. Maybe you just need to call her, and open up a little. ask her how she has been (obviously you havent talked in awhile) tell her what you have been up to and ask questions.

 

I am not saying change your whole personality. But relationships are compromise... and you're going to have to give a little. The way it looks right now, she's walking away. If you want to get her to turn around, you're going to have to say something

[Roy_4u]

I enjoy give and take conversation. And guys like you exhaust me, because I end up having to do all the work.

 

You're trying/wanting to change her. NOT going to happen.

 

Wow ..I must have pinched a nerve with you. Just to be clear I don't want her to change. I believe in accepting people for who they are and if the overall package looks good then I am willing to take a leap of faith, because there is no Mr. Perfect or Ms. Right.

 

Anyway, I am not suggesting that she should accept me. Maybe this thing is a really big deal for her that she cannot overlook. I am just trying to grasp that.

[White Dove]

I would call to find out rather than let it be and wonder about it for God knows how long.

[Roy_4u]

Maybe you just need to call her, and open up a little. ask her how she has been (obviously you havent talked in awhile) tell her what you have been up to and ask questions.

 

Hi Jane ..thanks again. I really don't understand what you mean by "open up a little". Maybe she feels the same. As far as I feel, I have opened up with her quite a bit. I've told her practically everything there is to know about my family, my childhood, school days, college days, flings, past relationships ...you name it. I've been a open book with her. I've even talked to her about trivial things which I usually don't.

 

In fact I don't even think that I am THAT quiet the way she describes me, but maybe she wants more and I don't understand what more does she want.

[Jilly Bean]

Wow ..I must have pinched a nerve with you. Just to be clear I don't want her to change. I believe in accepting people for who they are and if the overall package looks good then I am willing to take a leap of faith, because there is no Mr. Perfect or Ms. Right.

 

Anyway, I am not suggesting that she should accept me. Maybe this thing is a really big deal for her that she cannot overlook. I am just trying to grasp that.

 

LOL. No, you didn't pinch a nerve, but you don't seem to be reading the signs, hon, or just refusing to see reality.

 

She is telling you she finds you too quiet. What that translates to in girl speak is often boring and passive.

 

Bottom line remains - your personalities are incompatible. She wants/needs a guy who is more animated and engaged than you are. She sounds outgoing, whereas, as you stated, you are the artistic, introverted type. Sometimes this works, but often it doesn't, as your communication styles simply don't mesh.

 

This is the point of dating, ya know. To find out if you are compatible for a long-term commitment. I guess I don't understand why you are perplexed over this.

[MyNameIsJane]

I've told her practically everything there is to know about my family, my childhood, school days, college days, flings, past relationships ...you name it. I've been a open book with her. I've even talked to her about trivial things which I usually don't.

 

In fact I don't even think that I am THAT quiet the way she describes me, but maybe she wants more and I don't understand what more does she want.

 

Hmm... Have you told her those things because she has asked? Or has it been a fluid conversation? When I said open up - I guess I meant tell her things about what you have been doing this week or whats going on, without being prompted by a question from her... just talk.

 

It might just be that you guys have a lot in common but dont have compatible personalities as far as communication (and lets face it, it's kind of an important factor).

 

I get incredibly frustrated with my brother (who sounds a lot like you) because while he is so interesting, creative, talented... when I talk to him I am constantly asking questions - and then getting an answer... then I have to ask another question... another answer. there is no back and fourth fluidity when he talks to anyone... so they feel like they are bothering him

[Roy_4u]

I guess I don't understand why you are perplexed over this.

 

Because she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Inside and out. I've never felt like this with anyone else before.

[norajane]

She's concerned that you're too quiet, so you back off and don't call her for a week?

 

Yes, I guess you are too quiet for her. A non-quiet guy would have been calling her wanting to talk it through, and to communicate what he's thinking, and to understand more specifically what is troubling her. You are content to give her space - which only serves to prove her viewpoint isn't without merit - and to detach from you altogether.

 

Try calling her. Otherwise, this is going nowhere.

Edited June 29, 2010 by norajane

[norajane]

Hi Jane ..thanks again. I really don't understand what you mean by "open up a little". Maybe she feels the same. As far as I feel, I have opened up with her quite a bit. I've told her practically everything there is to know about my family, my childhood, school days, college days, flings, past relationships ...you name it. I've been a open book with her. I've even talked to her about trivial things which I usually don't.

 

In fact I don't even think that I am THAT quiet the way she describes me, but maybe she wants more and I don't understand what more does she want.

 

 

She wants conversation. She wants to know what you're thinking about things. Yes, you've told her about your childhood, but have you expressed what your painting and writing means to you? When you talk on the phone or get together, do you tell her what you're currently working on and how you got the inspiration and what you might be struggling with?

 

Do you ask her lots of questions, thereby expressing an interest in what she's doing and thinking, and then do you reply to those questions with some thoughts of your own?

 

Do you ask her thoughts about the World Cup, the oil spill in the Gulf, taxes, whatever is current and of interest to you? Or do you just let her talk about her day and give short replies that don't express much interest?

 

Conversation is a give and take. Discussion requires both people to talk about more than just the past.

[O'Malley]

 

She said that it really frustrates her I don't talk much and that she has met quiet people before but I am an "extreme case". Then she said that she doesn't believe asking other people to change for her ..so she doesn't expect me to change and be artifical around her. After this conversation, I very politely told that I understand and I am sorry. Sensing that she is in a bad mood, I told her that I have to drop off coz I have some work to do. I wanted to give her some space.

10 minutes later she called me back and apologized. Asked if I was offended and again I politely said "no I am not" and that she should not worry too much. We hung up within a few seconds.

 

 

She's giving you the passive 'disappearing act' breakup. You and her styles of communication are simply not compatible (as she has let you know). She wants someone who doesn't keep his thoughts to himself, who fills in the silences with genuine conversation, which takes more initiative. She apparently feels likes she's pulling teeth to get your responses; it simply doesn't feel like that to you. Your introversion isn't always going to be a issue (at least not with someone like me) but it obviously is one with her, regardless of your commonalities.

 

If you want to be with her, you have to put more initiative into contact and conversation....but overall it's likely that it's over.

[MyNameIsJane]

She wants conversation. She wants to know what you're thinking about things. Yes, you've told her about your childhood, but have you expressed what your painting and writing means to you? When you talk on the phone or get together, do you tell her what you're currently working on and how you got the inspiration and what you might be struggling with?

 

Do you ask her lots of questions, thereby expressing an interest in what she's doing and thinking, and then do you reply to those questions with some thoughts of your own?

 

Do you ask her thoughts about the World Cup, the oil spill in the Gulf, taxes, whatever is current and of interest to you? Or do you just let her talk about her day and give short replies that don't express much interest?

 

Conversation is a give and take. Discussion requires both people to talk about more than just the past.

 

Lol - I think he meant me. We are both Janes

But we essentially said the same thing

[Roy_4u]

Hi All,

 

just wanted to thank you all for your responses and post my update. I called her last night and we painfully broke up.

I did profess my feelings for her and she did too. She was touched. She said it was a very painful decision for her to make but she felt that she needs to be practical and call it quits sooner rather than later.

 

After we hung up, I cried all night and couldn't sleep. I am a true Aquarian and always prided myself on my freedom and emotional detachment - but this was the most intense relationship of my life. I just couldn't pull myself out of bed this morning and am not sure how i am gonna live the rest of my life without her.

 

Any thoughts on how can I cope with this? It's just too overwhelming. I haven't eaten in the past 15 hours and am completely lost.

 

Thanks once again.

[Jilly Bean]

I'm sorry for your pain, Roy. Sometimes I hate being right.

 

You'll be OK. You need to realize that this relationship really didn't have any traction for the long haul. Despite you both having social compatibility, your core personalities were too dipole, therefore making anything long-term impossible. So, it's not a you thing, or a her thing, and doesn't reflect on your value or self-worth. You simply were not right for each other.

 

The GOOD thing, is what you learned from this. Which is that despite how you may feel, you really need to pay attention to core traits and values from the get-go.

 

I'm sure next time you meet a gal you like, if she is very outgoing and extroverted, you will realize she probably wouldn't be a good match. Then when you meet some gorgeous artist who likes to stay in and work on her art, you'll also see she's right for you.

 

Try and eat something.

[Roy_4u]

Thanks Jilly Bean.

 

What's really hurting me the most is that for me she was the epitome of the perfect woman. We used to have very lengthy conversations about our personal, social and financial values and so many times we both realized that we were speaking each other's mind. I invested a lot in her and I think she did too. I really put her on a pedestal and worshipped her.

 

Now I feel that I am never gonna find anyone like her again and even if meet another woman, I will always compare her to my ex. Maybe I will never be able to get her out of my heart and mind for the rest of my life.

Are these feelings normal? please tell me that this happens with everyone.

 

You guys have helped me a lot here, but I think I need some professional help no matter how much it costs.

I live in Chicago. Do any of you know of any resources to help me get through this? I can't eat, sleep or concentrate on my work.

[Jilly Bean]

Roy - first loves tend to be difficult. We have a habit of eulogizing them, even though it's probably not warranted. It's very normal, and does fade in time.

 

Thing is, you don't WANT to find someone like her again. Right now, you are in pain, so you are only seeing and feeling what you believed to be true, rather than the reality of the relationship. You feel blind-sided, even though the signs of problems were there. I promise, in time, when you meet the next RIGHT GIRL, you will look back and see how thankful you are you met the new girl, as she will be so much more suited to you.

 

This girl was special to you, but she wasn't THE ONE. All this means is that she was removed from your life, to make room for the girl who WILL be the one.

 

Believe in that, Roy.

 

As far as resources, do you have insurance? Can you find a therapist? You also might want to check out the Coping section of LS. I think there are some good tidbits there that may help in the interim.

 

I know it sucks now. We have ALL been there, my friend. And it is a pain like no other. BUT, it does fade, and happiness DOES return. Time is your friend.

 

In the meantime, check with your medical plan on therapy, and if not, easy enough to find a private one through the yellow pages. Try and eat something, and remember THIS WILL PASS.

[Roy_4u]

Thank you Jilly Bean for being such a good friend. I will be reading your responses over and over again and try to get some strength back.

[Jilly Bean]

YW, hon. You really WILL be ok. I know it doesn't feel like that today, or even tomorrow, but one day it will get to be 8PM, and you will realize 20 minutes went by and you didn't think of her, and were able to smile, laugh, and have some enjoyment.

 

For now, the best thing, is find distractions. Try not to wallow at home, as comforting as it seems.

 

Do you exercise? If not, good time to start. It will help burn off the stress toxins.

 

Do you have friends and family? Get in touch with them for support.

 

Set one small goal for yourself a day. Whether it is committing to eating ONE healthy thing, or taking a jog around the block, or renting a movie you always wanted to seee. Commit to it, and stick to it. Then, after a week, make it TWO things a day. And so on...

 

And do pop over to the coping forum. I haven't spent much time there, but you will find people in the same boat as you, which is comforting, and a great source of support.

[Roy_4u]

Hi All,

 

Just wanted to share an update. It's been exactly 40 days since my gf broke up with me ....It's been really hard for me to get over her, but I gathered up my courage and I haven't called her back since the day she broke up. However deep inside I know I still have feelings for her and even today I would give anything to get her back.

 

Anyway ..interesting thing happened today. She called me out of the blue. I must have been in a dead zone, because her call went straight to my voicemail that I noticed a few minutes ago. She left a very short message which basically says "Hey, hope you're doing fine. I just called like that. Call me back if you get a chance". I have no idea why she would have called, but maybe she wants to get back with me ...maybe she wants to be friends ...maybe she is really curious to know how I have been doing ...who knows what she has in mind ????

 

So now I am thinking of calling her back and wondering what should my strategy be. When I call her back:

 

1. Should I portray an image that I miss her, still think about her etc.

 

OR

 

2. Should I portray an image that I have a lot going on in my life, am very busy ..and clearly I have no time to dwell over our break up ...sort of indicating that I have moved on.

 

Which of these two is a better strategy? Call me a hopeless romantic, but I am seeing this upcoming conversation as an opportunity for me to make her realize that she made a mistake ..or at least get her thinking about me again.

 

Also how long should I wait before I call her back? She called me around 2 hours ago ...what's the threshold (if there is one) where a man doesn't appear rude for not calling back in timely manner and at the same time doesn't appear desperate enough to call back right away.

 

Thanks again,

Roy

[Roy_4u]

Yet another update:

 

So I called her back a few minutes ago. She sounded pretty normal and I put on my normal tone as well. Turns out that she saw a tweet of mine (yeah so I guess she's been following me on Twitter) in which I said that I had just launched my own business (which is true btw) and wanted to call to congratulate.

I thanked her for calling me to congratulate ..but tried not so sound too excited.

Then she asked what else is going on ..so i started talking about all that's going on in my life and how busy i am blah blah ...then I asked her how is she doing and she said .."oh you know, just the usual grind".

I didn't probe into her personal life ..or even indirectly try to ask her if she was seeing someone. Infact I pretended to be downright uninterested.

 

Infact just 5 minutes into our call I said it was nice to catch up and thanked her again for calling me ..basically very politely initiating the hang up sequence. So then we bid each other good night and hung up.

 

 

Obviously I feel I did what I wanted to do - to sound normal and busy and show her that despite the fact that we broke up (actually she broke up with me) I have a life that is actually going pretty good without her. At the same time I didn't want to be a jerk to her by not returning her call or not acknowledge her courage to try to call me and congratulate me for a big moment in my life.

 

So what do you folks think? how did I handle this?

 

What should be my next step in trying to get her back? We didn't talk about meeting or anything like that.

Should I ask her out? Should I wait for her to make a move? ...i doubt she will since she is the one who called me today ..and maybe she will expect me to make the next move.

Edited August 10, 2010 by Roy_4u