I Give UP!!

[trippi1432]

There comes a time in life where sometimes you just can't help but give in and not want to function anymore....it's not just when you are going through a divorce...that is traumatic enough, like the death of a loved one. Depression is anger turned inward, self blame, self loathing, the inability to be happy and those people who are closest to you can cut you like a knife with the simplest of actions or words.

 

Today, I'm done.....I no longer care about anything anymore. I am tired of being a doormat for WAS's, my children, work and life in general. Evidently, it's me....it comes down to me, who I am, my behavior, my reactions....etc. So many years of hurt, disloyalty of friends and family, hatefulness (both my own and others). I can take pills all day, it won't stop the pain I feel. I can go to a hundred counseling sessions, it won't stop the pain I feel, make me feel better or change my behavior. I can try to learn coping skills and boundaries, it won't stop the pain I feel.

 

After 15 years of having to deal with my ex's behavior and my reactions to it, I don't know how to change that other than just be completely apathetic to it. Same with my children, the children who only love me when they want something from me, then bash me, disrespect me when I give in or help them or tell the adult ones to stand on their own two feet. Friends....all they want to do is bit*h about work....I haven't even gone back to work yet and I am already hating the thought of it. I'm tired of lashing out at people when I feel hurt and I am tired of being lashed out at by people who feel hurt as well. It's tiresome, it's depressing, it's the reason that I know I will never be happy in this life.

 

I just sit here and think, what is the point of my continuing in this world? What am I here for ...why do I bother....if I were gone, no one would notice or even care....so what is the point of still being here? What is the point of still living when everything makes you feel so totally miserable inside. What is the point when you spend more time crying and can't even get to the "Fake it til you Make it" stage. My biggest regret is that I failed to finish myself off back in April....why I am still here is a cruel joke at my expense.

 

Everyday is worse than the next....I'm not allowed to feel any self-worth...that is arrogance, I'm not allowed to stand up for myself, that is selfishness and ego, I'm not allowed to do things that make me happy, that is impulsive. I can't seem to do anything right, so why bother doing anything at all...why bother to continue living only to continue feeling miserable? Why try at all? I'm done, there is nothing to live for anymore...I would rather choose to not be here at all over continuing the struggle of trying to be happy when it's impossible.

[habs53]

hey, i pmd you

[2sure]

Well, no you cant give up. Like you, I understand that many of my own issues are the result of my own reactions to other people's actions. So, I accept that and acknowledge that I can only change my reactions not their actions. OK.

 

But. I have also had to come to terms with the flip side of that. MY actions (or feelings) cause other's to have a reaction. Of course. And they are entitled. Whether I feel they understood my intent, or if I feel they understand me....is another thing I kind of have to let go of. Because sometimes their discontent is their own problem. If I can only be responsible for my own reactions then the same holds true for them.

 

So, I'm not necessarily saying the hell with them. These are people I love or care about. But at the same time, when I am trying to move forward I cant let their negative reactions hold me back.

 

Its not indifference, I do care what people think, but I dont react to unless its positive. If its a problem...its theirs.

 

It takes some practice and also some confidence in your own choices and decisions but for me, its the only way to go.

 

Currently I am in the midst of life changes that are truly difficult, emotional , and confusing. Interestingly enough, those close to me have not noticed that I have become uninvolved or unconcerned with them as I thought they might...they have instead noticed that I seem happy and good natured. I stopped taking on what other people thought and they never noticed at all.

 

Something to think about.

[Pink_orchid]

Don't give up. I was just about to log out when I stumbled across this post by you and I couldn't ignore it... you see some people in the world DO care about other people, even people they don't know.

 

You have a right to feel how you feel and if you choose to believe that your life is hopeless that's up to you, very sad of course, BUT there IS a new life for you if you want it. You just need some help to get there.

 

Would you consider getting an urgent appointment with your doctor, and tell the surgery/clinic that you need to be seen a.s.a.p. Tell the doc that you are genuinely feeling suicidal. Tell them what you posted here, which you explained very well. I don't know your situation, but you need professional help to help you through this and give you light at the end of the tunnel. They will know where best to start.

 

Report back.

[trippi1432]

Don't give up. I was just about to log out when I stumbled across this post by you and I couldn't ignore it... you see some people in the world DO care about other people, even people they don't know.

 

You have a right to feel how you feel and if you choose to believe that your life is hopeless that's up to you, very sad of course, BUT there IS a new life for you if you want it. You just need some help to get there.

 

Would you consider getting an urgent appointment with your doctor, and tell the surgery/clinic that you need to be seen a.s.a.p. Tell the doc that you are genuinely feeling suicidal. Tell them what you posted here, which you explained very well. I don't know your situation, but you need professional help to help you through this and give you light at the end of the tunnel. They will know where best to start.

 

Report back.

 

Hi Pink Orchid - I've been in therapy since October....even had to take a couple of months off of work due to severe depression which they now label as Bipolar with major depression. They have me on so much medication, I don't know whether I am coming or going some days. The worst are the mood stabilizers....I can't move out of this depression...I try and I try...it only takes someone raking me over the coals and my depression falls into the extreme. Today, it was my daughter....the total ugliness and lack of respect just makes me want to crawl under a rock and never come out.

 

I've talked to my doctor about it so many times, I try to get better and then someone wants to just take me down for it. My therapist has told me that I am too compassionate, that I let my children take advantage of me, I let work take advantage of me and that I need to learn to say no. It's times like these when I set limits or when I refuse to take the crap that people get mad at me and that hurts. I've already did in-patient and out-patient therapy....nothing works anymore. I go from one extreme to another....either a complete doormat or a total b*tch in the opinions of the people who are on the side of my setting limits or taking up for myself.

 

Life is too short to be this unhappy, but it's too long to stay miserable. I used to know in between....I used to know fun, self confidence, my own worth....I don't know those things anymore because to feel them, I'm wrong......even my doctor tells me it's impulsiveness and says that I a risk....my therapist delved into my childhood and made my mind a mess...I feel like to be happy is wrong and there isn't much to be happy about anymore.

[habs53]

Trippi your scaring me. Please dont talk like this.

[imagine]

Everyday is worse than the next....I'm not allowed to feel any self-worth...that is arrogance, I'm not allowed to stand up for myself, that is selfishness and ego, I'm not allowed to do things that make me happy, that is impulsive. I can't seem to do anything right, so why bother doing anything at all...why bother to continue living only to continue feeling miserable? Why try at all? I'm done, there is nothing to live for anymore...I would rather choose to not be here at all over continuing the struggle of trying to be happy when it's impossible.

 

There was one time where I came to similar conclusions.

 

I went to the Bible to the beginning of Ecclesiastes. Read it. I was amazed. I learned...... I will tell you after you've read it.

[wrencn]

Trippi please have your ex take the kids and check yourself into inpatient psych. You just need a break- time to get away. I am here if you want to talk- I should be able to pm come Thursday. My kids are what have kept me going in my lowest hours- I can't inflict on them that kind of pain. All children are selfish- its their nature. Don't take it personal sweetie.

[sumdude]

Trippi, please just hang on! Call your therapist ASAP. I don't know what meds you're on but you might be having a bad reaction to anti-depressants.

 

It's Ok to give up for a little bit every once in a while.. just don't give in! I've had a more than a couple awful days when I thought the same things you posted. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and hold it for a little then slowly let it out. Change your breathing, slow it down deep breath in.. deep breath out. It may seem silly but try it. Juts concentrate on breathing. You body and mind will respond to it. This too shall pass!

[worlybear]

Trippi please don't give up! Have you thought about changing your doctor/therapist? They don't sound as if they're helping you. I feel so sad for you as you obviously care about everyone so much.

Please try and see/speak to someone to help you- if not , please keep posting on Loveshack- we're all here and we'll listen and try to help you:)

[trippi1432]

No more in-patient, I won't do that again......that even screwed up my mind.....humbled me, but screwed it up big time.

 

Over medicated....I don't know...I asked my doctor because I shouldn't be stuck in these depressive states, but he swears by what he is given me to take.

 

It's just life gets so overwhelming and I can't get my mind out of the muck.

[trippi1432]

Trippi please don't give up! Have you thought about changing your doctor/therapist? They don't sound as if they're helping you. I feel so sad for you as you obviously care about everyone so much.

Please try and see/speak to someone to help you- if not , please keep posting on Loveshack- we're all here and we'll listen and try to help you:)

 

Thanks worlybear......I was going to get a second opinion last week, but wound up not going to the appointment. The doctor I am seeing is supposed to be the best but I just feel so much worse than I did 6 months ago.

[trippi1432]

There was one time where I came to similar conclusions.

 

I went to the Bible to the beginning of Ecclesiastes. Read it. I was amazed. I learned...... I will tell you after you've read it.

 

I take it that you are referring to Chapter 3?

[LisaUk]

Trippi,

 

Please don't do anything now, you haven't been well, your on a lot of meds, you have had to deal and work through a lot in therapy. You were happy before all this and you will be again. You do have self worth, you have helped me over this last year or so, more than you will ever know.

[imagine]

I take it that you are referring to Chapter 3?

 

I was thinking of Ecc1V2.

 

While you may be encouraged with Ecc3 to take pleasure in your work. I would draw you to that which was revelation to me -that my significance is in God.

 

This was a great relief to me. I did not need to find a cure for cancer, discover new worlds, become famous. All these are meaningless.

 

My significance is in God. There is no debility that will restrain me. I'm not worth it, He is.

[trippi1432]

I was thinking of Ecc1V2.

 

While you may be encouraged with Ecc3 to take pleasure in your work. I would draw you to that which was revelation to me -that my significance is in God.

 

This was a great relief to me. I did not need to find a cure for cancer, discover new worlds, become famous. All these are meaningless.

 

My significance is in God. There is no debility that will restrain me. I'm not worth it, He is.

 

The reference to vanity?

[hopesndreams]

I am/was/trying not to the be, the ultimate people pleaser. You are the same right? I married 2 worthless men, both narcissists and have 2 very selfish, lazy children that are now adults. Am I to blame? Yes, I am. Giving people what they want and when they want it, does not make those you are helping have an easier time of it in the long run and you do not receive unconditional love or respect because of it because it gets twisted around where you are to blame for their failures, their unhappiness!

 

Does that mean we should just say NO, go away, don't bother me, it's all about me time and you can go jump off a short pier? It's just not in some of us to do that. What we can do, and this takes effort, is to be nice, help out however we can but DO NOT bend over backward for anyone, EVER. Those that take advantage of someone's generosity and kindness, NEVER seem to give back, do they?

 

You never know what tomorrow will bring.

 

I watched my mother die of cancer, 15 years ago. Life is precious. Each day I thank God for being here. I saw a shooting star the other night. It made me happy. Sometimes, it's just the little things that can bring a smile to one's face.

[trippi1432]

I am/was/trying not to the be, the ultimate people pleaser. You are the same right? I married 2 worthless men, both narcissists and have 2 very selfish, lazy children that are now adults. Am I to blame? Yes, I am. Giving people what they want and when they want it, does not make those you are helping have an easier time of it in the long run and you do not receive unconditional love or respect because of it because it gets twisted around where you are to blame for their failures, their unhappiness!

 

Does that mean we should just say NO, go away, don't bother me, it's all about me time and you can go jump off a short pier? It's just not in some of us to do that. What we can do, and this takes effort, is to be nice, help out however we can but DO NOT bend over backward for anyone, EVER. Those that take advantage of someone's generosity and kindness, NEVER seem to give back, do they?

 

You never know what tomorrow will bring.

 

I watched my mother die of cancer, 15 years ago. Life is precious. Each day I thank God for being here. I saw a shooting star the other night. It made me happy. Sometimes, it's just the little things that can bring a smile to one's face.

 

 

H&D, you and I could write a book together.....yes, you hit the target....this is exactly what has me in such a overwhelming frame of mind today....I have to learn how to function without worrying about everyone's opinion as long as I am doing it right and doing right by myself. I've bent over backwards for so long for my kids, 2 ex's who didn't care....and I get to go back to a job that I have to set some boundaries on or I'm going to become the horse pulling the wagon again......It's like I want to scream at the top of my lungs....HOW MUCH MORE!!!?? WHEN??? When do I get to be happy.....when will it be my turn??

 

I know I'm not the only person who has issues, problems.....I also know that my kids need me, I just need to determine what I am going to put up with and what I will not. Same with life in general...it's just gets so d*mn overwhelming sometimes. What is it they say, your family knows the buttons to push.....I found this today and thought is was very appropriate.

 

Daily Devotional: Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go.

 

I know that I am jumping ahead on the devotional, but this one is dedicated to my children. You don't have to like what they do, like how they act or like their actions or behavior....You can choose to love them unconditionally, but you also have the RIGHT to be treated with respect and dignity when you do so much for them and they disrespect you in return. Adult children should act like adults and take responsibility for their lives, once they leave home, you have to let go and let them live....you are no longer responsible for them financially, you no longer make their decisions for them, that is their responsibility. If they make the wrong decisions, it is their responsibility to find their way out. If they are disrespectful of their mother as an adult, as a mother, you do not have to tolerate it. Sometimes you just have to let go and let live.

 

"Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Who, besides family members, do we give such power? No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering, relationships with family members can be provocative. One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that lasts for hours or days.

 

The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.

 

Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them. Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. How we take care of ourselves is our issue.

 

We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family.

 

We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for ourselves.

 

Today, help me start practicing self-care with family members. Help me know that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my feelings. Help me know its okay to have all my feelings about family members, without guilt or shame." (Beattie, 1990)

 

Beattie, M. (1990). Family Buttons. In M. Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, Daily Meditations on Codependency (pgs 198-199). Center City: Hazelden.

 

I think someone else told me the same thing along these lines today too.

[trippi1432]

Thank you to everyone for posting....I'm doing better now....has been just a hard day. I promise that I will not do anything.....have a lot to contemplate and work on.....I just wish I could lift this depression fog...I'm so tired of being depressed....it's got to be true when you hit the bottom the only way is up....some days I just feel like I don't have enough rope left in me to get to the top. It'll pass...it has to!

[summerautumn]

I am sending you many healing vibes your way! Listen to your intuition, dear Trippy, like you said, the meds are not the answer! They only mask what's underneath. I can definitely empathize for I've had similar thoughts and in the past few months they actually intensified despite me feeling better overall I would get these bouts of pretty intense thoughts. I am here to tell you that there is a way out of that circle, but it takes a leap of faith. You are at the point of surrender now, and while it feels totally scary and painful, it is darkest before dawn. There are alternative therapies that have helped immensely, it is not instintaneous of course, but I have not used any drugs, I don't even drink so the only thing I've had to medicate with was sugar.

 

It is great that you are recognizing the boundary issues. That took me a long time to perceive too. A woman that helped me tremendously last week said, it is all about Honor Your Self. I am finally beginning to perceive the power of that.

 

PM me if you are interested in learning more! (((((((((((((trippy)))))))))))))))

[hopesndreams]

You have had more than your fair share of devastating lows. What have been your incredible highs? Think of those when you feel rock bottom.

[trippi1432]

You have had more than your fair share of devastating lows. What have been your incredible highs? Think of those when you feel rock bottom.

 

Wow, incredible highs....that's the problem....what should have been the best times of my life, something or someone has come along to extinguish the celebration of it or the happiness of it....

 

Buying our house - ex hated it because he chose not to participate in the house search and told me to buy what I wanted. Never liked the house and the whole family broke their breech of promise not to turn it into a screaming home within a month....I left the house in my car and drove around for 2 hours just to get away from it.

 

Getting promotions at work - they are never given because they are earned....you can work hard or less than anyone else....the timeframe is typically 2 years so why bother?

 

Getting married to my ex - should have been wonderful until my darling daughter threw up drama trying to accuse my ex of sleeping with my best friend who was my bridesmaid...spent the night sitting in my tub with a few bottles of wine trying to decide if I wanted to marry him. Both he and friend denied it.....should have been an omen.

 

Honeymoon - Ex got mad at me and yelled at me several times over suggestions I had that we could do.

 

Every single son's birthday - Was turned into a drinking fest by ex and his friend's and family. Ironically, after we split up, his entire family decided that drinking at children's birthday parties was a stupid and irresponsible thing to do....God help me that I had been saying that for 13 years.

 

Other than giving birth to my children, there isn't much else other than the happiness I felt busting my butt to get get my Associate's degree as a single mom. The only thing I have ever felt proud of. I know that there has to be some brief and fleeting moments of happiness buried in all of this or I just need to make some happiness somewhere to tip those scales back in my favor.

[hopesndreams]

Wow, incredible highs....that's the problem....what should have been the best times of my life, something or someone has come along to extinguish the celebration of it or the happiness of it....

 

Buying our house - ex hated it because he chose not to participate in the house search and told me to buy what I wanted. Never liked the house and the whole family broke their breech of promise not to turn it into a screaming home within a month....I left the house in my car and drove around for 2 hours just to get away from it.

 

Getting promotions at work - they are never given because they are earned....you can work hard or less than anyone else....the timeframe is typically 2 years so why bother?

 

Getting married to my ex - should have been wonderful until my darling daughter threw up drama trying to accuse my ex of sleeping with my best friend who was my bridesmaid...spent the night sitting in my tub with a few bottles of wine trying to decide if I wanted to marry him. Both he and friend denied it.....should have been an omen.

 

Honeymoon - Ex got mad at me and yelled at me several times over suggestions I had that we could do.

 

Every single son's birthday - Was turned into a drinking fest by ex and his friend's and family. Ironically, after we split up, his entire family decided that drinking at children's birthday parties was a stupid and irresponsible thing to do....God help me that I had been saying that for 13 years.

 

Other than giving birth to my children, there isn't much else other than the happiness I felt busting my butt to get get my Associate's degree as a single mom. The only thing I have ever felt proud of. I know that there has to be some brief and fleeting moments of happiness buried in all of this or I just need to make some happiness somewhere to tip those scales back in my favor.

 

NO, NO, Noooooo...don't rehash the bad stuff in your life. What were the exhilarating highs once you got your freedom? Oh God, forbid, you had happy times after you've been on your own? Too guilt ridden to re-experience those good times?

 

For me, it was setting myself up in my new apartment. I would never have to answer to anyone ever again. Everything was just the way I liked it. Never had to do this or do that to my new place to suit someone else's taste. That has been my biggest thrill.

 

Remember, the simple things in life is what can give you the greatest joy.

[hopesndreams]

H&D, you and I could write a book together.

 

If we're going to write that book together we need to come up with a happy ending. It's within our power to do so.

[What_Next]

It breaks my heart to read a thread like this, it really does. None of us can really know what you are going through. I can offer little comfort except to say that try and hang on for another day will come.

 

The past 2 months have been the toughest of my life and have went through nothing compared to what you have.

 

Please seek support from wherever you are able. That includes here on LS. Post away, vent if you need to. There are those that are just willing to listen.