I Give UP!!

[trippi1432]

Ok....redoing my bedroom...new furniture, new paint....the way I want it.

 

I can make what ever I want for dinner and I don't have to hear him bi*ch and moan.

 

Ah....if I want to have Chinese food 5 days a week, I can!!!

 

There are 0 beer cans in my trash now. (ok maybe a wine bottle or tow...every once in a while a liquor bottle - grrr, want off the meds so I can enjoy myself again.)

 

I don't have to fight with my son to get out of bed in the morning and watch him turn into the spawn of Satan.

 

And since my daughter moved out, I got rid of 3 cats.....

 

When everyone's gone....it's quiet...no yelling, no screaming....my nerves can be intact.

[hopesndreams]

It breaks my heart to read a thread like this, it really does. None of us can really know what you are going through. I can offer little comfort except to say that try and hang on for another day will come.

 

The past 2 months have been the toughest of my life and have went through nothing compared to what you have.

 

Please seek support from wherever you are able. That includes here on LS. Post away, vent if you need to. There are those that are just willing to listen.

 

You're just in the beginning stages. That is someplace I will never want to re-live. Staring at a blank wall for hours. Drinking myself into oblivion. Contemplating suicide. What an agonizing time!!!

 

Praise God I am past that horrific time. The experience of it all has made me a stronger person. I have found myself, finally, and have discovered, I ain't that bad!!

 

That's all anyone can do. Survive. In the end, with much work, you end up loving yourself and have hope for the future.

[hopesndreams]

When everyone's gone....it's quiet...no yelling, no screaming....my nerves can be intact.

 

Bliss.

[trippi1432]

When everyone's gone....it's quiet...no yelling, no screaming....my nerves can be intact.

 

Bliss.

 

:o True....another thing I thought of on memory lane....when my daughter was young and in school....everytime her little heart got broken, we would go to the store and get all the fixing's to make banana splits and then sing every country song we knew....

 

Think I am heading up the road to get myself a banana split.....I think today, I deserve one.

[hopesndreams]

You certainly do and give yourself some extra whipped cream.

[What_Next]

Think I am heading up the road to get myself a banana split.....I think today, I deserve one.

 

 

Do it, you deserve it! Do what makes you feel happy. For me about the only thing that has given me any degree of happiness is going out and riding bike for as long as I possibly can and for as long as I possibly can to the point of extreme exhaustion. That and drinking myself into an early grave (that has stopped).

 

Try and look for that silver lining I suppose, even though it might be hard to find on a day like today. Remember what they say about finding a needle in a haystack the easy way? Burn the bloody haystack. Anyone have a match? Or a spoon for your banana split.

 

Keep us posted on your day. A lot of us try and look in frequently. LS has helped me tremendously throughout my ordeal.

[LisaUk]

I'm so glad to hear that you are doing a bit better Trips! Enjoy your banana split (although I have to say ewwwwwwwwww! LOL), you deserve it!

[cavedweller]

Tippi,

 

A couple of thoughts:

 

1..Forget about everyone else and you take care of you.

 

2..Do what you want to do, when you want to do it..Don't worry about what other people say.

 

3..It is your life, so, live it the way you want to live it.

 

4..Hang in there..Better days are ahead.

[hopesndreams]

Better days ahead. That is the most important. You will never, ever know if that were possible if you were a dirt sandwich.

[trippi1432]

I'm so glad to hear that you are doing a bit better Trips! Enjoy your banana split (although I have to say ewwwwwwwwww! LOL), you deserve it!

 

Yeah...I'm saying ewwwwww now for eating it....lol. :o:o

 

May have to walk three miles this evening.

[hopesndreams]

Ha, ha...did you really have one? I thought you meant it metaphorically.

 

Ok, give me 10. I wanna see pushups, situps and lunges.

 

Then you can reward yourself with a cookie.

[trippi1432]

Going to go walk 3 miles right now........ick.....:sick:

[worlybear]

Try and keep the appointment with the new doc/therapist. Just because the guy you is seeing is supposed to be the best- doesn't mean he's the right one for you. Go Looking!

You sound exhausted and in need of tlc with friends or professionals.

Pleeeeeease try and find yourself a new counsellor.:bunny:

[trippi1432]

Thanks What_Next and CaveDweller.....I'm doing better....I would love to a silver lining one day....that would be so nice.

[trippi1432]

Try and keep the appointment with the new doc/therapist. Just because the guy you is seeing is supposed to be the best- doesn't mean he's the right one for you. Go Looking!

You sound exhausted and in need of tlc with friends or professionals.

Pleeeeeease try and find yourself a new counsellor.:bunny:

 

Thanks....just wasn't sure about the new place because they said that a PA does the assessment. I'm thinking that is a Physcian's Assistant who knows nothing about psychology...so just didn't sound like the right kind of place.

[worlybear]

Go on! Give it a whirl! Nothing to lose-everything to gain:)

[Darth Vader]

Like they say...one man's loss is another man's gain. I like me now...and am much better off.

 

That's what you said to me. Remember?

 

Then I said this:

 

That's very true what you've said. Just a tip of advice: Never forget that!

 

Laterz, Vader out!

 

You didn't forget, did you?

[Darth Vader]

That's what you said to me. Remember?

 

Then I said this:

 

 

 

You didn't forget, did you?

 

Do you attend a Church? I suggest in going.

 

BTW, You need to lose that Avatar that you have right now, please change that to something much better! More cheerful!

[Darth Vader]

Do you attend a Church? I suggest in going.

 

BTW, You need to lose that Avatar that you have right now, please change that to something much better! More cheerful!

 

 

Yeah, I gotta agree with the others, see another Doctor, maybe get different Meds, I dunno, maybe the new Doc will say no meds, I dunno.

 

 

In any case there are people who DO CARE about you and what happens to you. NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!!

[trippi1432]

That's what you said to me. Remember?

 

Then I said this:

 

 

 

You didn't forget, did you?

 

Yes, Darth, I remember.....when we discussing how stupid my ex-husband is.....I didn't forget.....I am getting a bit tired of his phone calls here lately though....not to me, but concerning son and appts. and such. Plans, Plans, Plans.....4 phone calls in 2 days.....excessive.

 

If I were to step into a church, the end of the world would probably happen...God and I have an agreement, I can pray to him anywhere, anytime. It's the church I don't believe in.

 

And I will change my avatar soon. Promise.

 

Thanks...:o

 

Go on! Give it a whirl! Nothing to lose-everything to gain:)

 

I'll look into it, the problem in my state is that while they now treat mental health as an illness just like diabetes, I feel that it's more to put the fear in you that you have to take the meds. I know that is what they kept putting in our brains and that if were to stop taking the meds, there could be serious repercussions.

 

There are just some things that have been building over the past couple of days with my daughter....I keep forgetting that she is an adult now and she can deal with the messes she makes herself.....I'm here, but I'm not going to be a doormat.

 

On the therapy....it just gets more and more confusing. My therapist tells me how good I am doing, then I meet with my psychiatrist and he goes against everything......don't be going out with friends, you might drink.....don't be going out with men, you are too vulnerable, don't be going out shopping, you are too impulsive and could overspend. It's like a checklist he's ticking off.

 

I'm looking at all these things he's telling me and thinking WOW!! You must have me confused with my ex-husband because he did all those things...For the past month, I've barely left my house except for doctor appointments and a couple of dinners with my girlfriends...who only want to talk about work and won't to any other restaurants than Mexican ones.....I need to get a life and get off the meds....move and leave no forwarding address. Just run away and start a new life.

[Gunny376]

There comes a time in life where sometimes you just can't help but give in and not want to function anymore....it's not just when you are going through a divorce...that is traumatic enough, like the death of a loved one. Depression is anger turned inward, self blame, self loathing, the inability to be happy and those people who are closest to you can cut you like a knife with the simplest of actions or words.

 

Today, I'm done.....I no longer care about anything anymore. I am tired of being a doormat for WAS's, my children, work and life in general. Evidently, it's me....it comes down to me, who I am, my behavior, my reactions....etc. So many years of hurt, disloyalty of friends and family, hatefulness (both my own and others). I can take pills all day, it won't stop the pain I feel. I can go to a hundred counseling sessions, it won't stop the pain I feel, make me feel better or change my behavior. I can try to learn coping skills and boundaries, it won't stop the pain I feel.

 

After 15 years of having to deal with my ex's behavior and my reactions to it, I don't know how to change that other than just be completely apathetic to it. Same with my children, the children who only love me when they want something from me, then bash me, disrespect me when I give in or help them or tell the adult ones to stand on their own two feet. Friends....all they want to do is bit*h about work....I haven't even gone back to work yet and I am already hating the thought of it. I'm tired of lashing out at people when I feel hurt and I am tired of being lashed out at by people who feel hurt as well. It's tiresome, it's depressing, it's the reason that I know I will never be happy in this life.

 

I just sit here and think, what is the point of my continuing in this world? What am I here for ...why do I bother....if I were gone, no one would notice or even care....so what is the point of still being here? What is the point of still living when everything makes you feel so totally miserable inside. What is the point when you spend more time crying and can't even get to the "Fake it til you Make it" stage. My biggest regret is that I failed to finish myself off back in April....why I am still here is a cruel joke at my expense.

 

Everyday is worse than the next....I'm not allowed to feel any self-worth...that is arrogance, I'm not allowed to stand up for myself, that is selfishness and ego, I'm not allowed to do things that make me happy, that is impulsive. I can't seem to do anything right, so why bother doing anything at all...why bother to continue living only to continue feeling miserable? Why try at all? I'm done, there is nothing to live for anymore...I would rather choose to not be here at all over continuing the struggle of trying to be happy when it's impossible.

 

Silly Girl! Your unique, your an intellectual ~ the XHEX and the children are so far behind you. Perhaps the children will once measure up to and with you ~ though doubtful. One would have to first disassociate themselves from the "perceived" world and culture.

 

Its not they measure up to you? They will never measure up to your standard that you've set and have achieved for yourself.

 

You remind me of my friend "Mitch" GF

 

Mitch only has a HS degree ~ started out as a laborer out at the plant. Management identified him as being of above average intelligence and promoted him to foreman, (didn't hurt any the dear old dad was already such)

 

I like Mitch for a lot of reasons ~ he's always positive, never negative, never gets mad about nor anyone. He's not a doormat mind you ~ doesn't play.

 

While pumping gas in Montgomery he being "Mitch" exchanged had a conversation with a woman who was doing the same. She gave him her business card.

 

Months later cleaning his car out he found it and gave her a call. She's a self made attorney with her own private practice ~ an a Lieutenant Colonel in the Alabama National Guard.

 

That Ms. MBA would be you.

[Darth Vader]

Yes, Darth, I remember.....when we discussing how stupid my ex-husband is.....I didn't forget.....I am getting a bit tired of his phone calls here lately though....not to me, but concerning son and appts. and such. Plans, Plans, Plans.....4 phone calls in 2 days.....excessive.

 

If I were to step into a church, the end of the world would probably happen...God and I have an agreement, I can pray to him anywhere, anytime. It's the church I don't believe in.

 

And I will change my avatar soon. Promise.

 

Thanks...:o

 

 

 

I'll look into it, the problem in my state is that while they now treat mental health as an illness just like diabetes, I feel that it's more to put the fear in you that you have to take the meds. I know that is what they kept putting in our brains and that if were to stop taking the meds, there could be serious repercussions.

 

There are just some things that have been building over the past couple of days with my daughter....I keep forgetting that she is an adult now and she can deal with the messes she makes herself.....I'm here, but I'm not going to be a doormat.

 

On the therapy....it just gets more and more confusing. My therapist tells me how good I am doing, then I meet with my psychiatrist and he goes against everything......don't be going out with friends, you might drink.....don't be going out with men, you are too vulnerable, don't be going out shopping, you are too impulsive and could overspend. It's like a checklist he's ticking off.

 

I'm looking at all these things he's telling me and thinking WOW!! You must have me confused with my ex-husband because he did all those things...For the past month, I've barely left my house except for doctor appointments and a couple of dinners with my girlfriends...who only want to talk about work and won't to any other restaurants than Mexican ones.....I need to get a life and get off the meds....move and leave no forwarding address. Just run away and start a new life.

 

You know your Ex is just calling 80 times a day just to annoy you.

 

You know, what you could do is, next time he calls you, you could leave the phone off the hook, then when he does finally get a hold of you, you can really annoy him to no end and tell him: "Oh you called, oh, yeah, that musta been when I was riding some wonderful man I met the other night and I was having wild screaming orgasms! And he's way better than you ever were!":p:lmao:

 

Well, I think you get the point, you don't have to use that suggestion but, I think you know how to get under your husbands skin, if ya really wanted to!

 

OK, go ahead and say it, That I'm Evil!

Edited June 30, 2010 by Darth Vader

[trippi1432]

Silly Girl! Your unique, your an intellectual ~ the XHEX and the children are so far behind you. Perhaps the children will once measure up to and with you ~ though doubtful. One would have to first disassociate themselves from the "perceived" world and culture.

 

Its not they measure up to you? They will never measure up to your standard that you've set and have achieved for yourself.

 

You remind me of my friend "Mitch" GF

 

Mitch only has a HS degree ~ started out as a laborer out at the plant. Management identified him as being of above average intelligence and promoted him to foreman, (didn't hurt any the dear old dad was already such)

 

I like Mitch for a lot of reasons ~ he's always positive, never negative, never gets mad about nor anyone. He's not a doormat mind you ~ doesn't play.

 

While pumping gas in Montgomery he being "Mitch" exchanged had a conversation with a woman who was doing the same. She gave him her business card.

 

Months later cleaning his car out he found it and gave her a call. She's a self made attorney with her own private practice ~ an a Lieutenant Colonel in the Alabama National Guard.

 

That Ms. MBA would be you.

 

There is some value in this post Gunny, but I do have to beg to differ in some things. See, my father was born with a silver spoon in his mouth....was raised by nanny's while his folks traveled for their company. His father decided that men needed to learn to stand on their own two feet so he enforced that my dad earn his way through life. Both of his sister's went on to college (paid for by the father) to achieve their undergrads or graduate degrees....heck, one was even the mayor of Doral, Florida. She went on to have one daughter who is a very good attorney in St. Pete, Florida and the other is married to an engineer.

 

My father....he never went to college...failed his senior year and had to repeat it. On his graduation day, he went to see his mother in the hospital who was dying of lymph node cancer but vowed to stay well enough to at least see him graduate. He also never went into the family business as did none of my grandfather's children. (This was the grandmother that I never knew because she died the night my dad graduated....before I was ever born.)

 

When I was 16, my dad tried to "put me out to farm" as some would put it. Wanted me to hang out at the Marina and catch me a good ole rich boy.....:rolleyes: I said Fine! You want me to be one of "those" people, let's go to the mall. The price tag for fitting into that "mold" for clothes alone was around $1500 in that day and age and my dad would have none of it. While he had his "toys", he couldn't "sell" his daughter nor would I allow myself to be sold to a selfish and arrogant "boy" who only knew what was given to him and not how to work for it.

 

So, when you state a "self-made" attorney....any "self-made" woman would rather enjoy the company of a self-made man than someone who had the world given to him. This is why I have a firm policy not to date anyone I work with, being that many are 3rd and 4th generation employees....they all had a silver spoon and know nothing of living in the real world.

 

When the party's over....are you judged on whether you can make your own music to dance to or do you always have to have a DJ? The ability to stand on your own two feet, despite what you do for a living, is more respectable than easy street.....that breeds a man of integrity, character and respect. That is why she loves your friend Mitch...not for what he can give her...but for what he does "give" her....reality.

[trippi1432]

You know your Ex is just calling 80 times a day just to annoy you.

 

You know, what you could do is, next time he calls you, you could leave the phone off the hook, then when he does finally get a hold of you, you can really annoy him to no end and tell him: "Oh you called, oh, yeah, that musta been when I was riding some wonderful man I met the other night and I was having wild screaming orgasms! And he's way better than you ever were!":p:lmao:

 

Well, I think you get the point, you don't have to use that suggestion but, I think you know how to get under your husbands skin, if ya really wanted to!

 

OK, go ahead and say it, That I'm Evil!

 

Darth...you crack me up....most of them roll to VM or become a text message....being almost a year out.....I could care less about antagonizing him or hearing his anxiety driven tone of voice to be honest. I actually did take a call from him a few weeks ago and hung up on him because I couldn't stand to hear his voice. He just quit his job and now he is in panic mode.....oh well....not my problem....hope your GF has a lot of patience and money.

[Darth Vader]

Darth...you crack me up....most of them roll to VM or become a text message....being almost a year out.....I could care less about antagonizing him or hearing his anxiety driven tone of voice to be honest. I actually did take a call from him a few weeks ago and hung up on him because I couldn't stand to hear his voice. He just quit his job and now he is in panic mode.....oh well....not my problem....hope your GF has a lot of patience and money.

 

 

Glad to help crack you up, I know you need it at times anyway. I'm glad you're doing better now, just don't scare us anymore! You know you got friends here, even if we don't reply right away, or are away for months at a time (me). Don't forget there's always hope, so don't do anything crazy or stupid. There's gonna be another man for you sooner or later.

 

Oh BTW, I don't actually suggest that you do any of that sleeping around stuff just to get back at hubby. Anyway, you said Hex, I mean ex, quit his job? WHY? In this economy, at this hour?