i need several opinions about drinking!

[buttercup]

o.k. this may get a little long. here goes. my b'f is 42 and i am 43, we have been together for two years now. i grew up with my mom in a bar with her drunken b'f and or with my oldest sister. i never seen any abuse tho. i grew up getting involved with alcoholic abusers, one extremely violent in 1996. i vowed never again to get involved with a "drunk". well i met my current in a karaoke bar, i wasn't too interested in him at first cause i was coming out of another bad relationship. we started dating slowly and it turned into two years. well in the first three months he drank 6 or more beers 7 nights a week, even if we didn't go out. i didn't want to tell him what to do, so i broke if off with him. when i told him why he said he'd cut down. he cut down to 4-6 beers 7 nights a week. (not what i had in mind). well i still complained anyway. then he finally switched to near beer (his decision) six nights a week when we started this 12 week exercise commitment during that time he only drank on sat. nights. i was so happy! then the program ended and we moved and got off track. now he still drinks on sat. nights and when ever we go out to eat he has a beer or two or after softball every fri. night he has a beer or two. he has to drag that damm beer into everything and i hate it. i am very bitter towards drinking and he knows it, but he does love to drink and i know it too. he considered himself a heavy drinkner, i say he is an alcoholic. if i am overreacting i will back off, if not then i don't know what i'll do. this is the major complaint i have with him. we have a great relationship otherwise. he is so sweet, affectionate, kind, good to his family, my kids like him and he tolerates my pets. the down side of him is he is impatient, doesn't communicate too well, (i don't either) but we get by. he is easily distracted when i try to talk to him, (he is working on it)and i of course have my own flaws; i am controlling, insecure and get easily jealous and have alot of anxiety about alot of things in life. (but i'm working on them too). so you see the real main issue is his drinking. sometimes i think i should leave him so he can drink and go out to karaoke without asking me first or without feeling guilty. i don't like being this way, it's just that i think he's better off without me and i'm sure at times he agrees, but it don't seem like he want's to otherwise i'd be gone now! so i wouldn't be controlling his life (drinking life) anyway. so i'd like some opinions. he has come along way, and i know it's "my" problem with drinking in general that causes the problem but i don't know what to do about it. leaving him is not what i want to do either. so i am willing to listen with an open mind. i'm thinking that if i back off on complaining about his drinking tho he will start up all over again back to where he use to be, then i will leave him. he wont quit tho, unless a dr. says he has to. i love him very much and want to end this bickering about this problem. so help ! he will be reading these posts too. he may also post with his side. thanks for listening if you got this far then that is more then i can ask!

[Tony T]

I suggest you call Alcholics Annonymous and get advice on this. They have programs that help the lady friends and spouses of heavy drinkers.

 

I personally have never understood beer and spirit drinkers because I hate the taste of the stuff. But I can't imagine drinking five or six beers one right after the other. I get filled to the brim just drinking one 12 oz. can of Coke.

 

If you had not grown up with drinking, you wouldn't put up with this for a minute. My guess is that he would really like to stop because he would feel a lot better physically, he would shed some pounds, live longer, have a better life overall and, most of all, make you a very happy lady.

 

It sounds like he has some excellent qualities. My gut feeling is that if you will be highly supportive of him, he will get involved with some programs to help him minimize or eliminate the drinking altogether. Because he has been drinking so long, it will be exremely difficult for him. Be as absolutely supportive as possible and it can happen.

 

Both of you should visit the AA office in your area and discuss your problem with the professionals and see what they prescribe as the best solution. They deal with the problem every day.

 

Drinking is like smoking. It is an addiction, it is not nutricious, and it serves absolutely no useful purpose whatsoever. If they fortified beer with important vitamins and minerals, that would be different. But alcohol actually robs the body of essential nutrients.

 

It sounds like you have a great man here. He can only become greater if he can go for just a bit of time without the beer. If he must continue, he may be able to cut down his consumption gradually until a bottle here and there will be sufficient to satisfy his craving. (That's how I got rid of my addiction to chocolate).

 

There will be one day when his liver begins to fail and his doctor tells him he just has a few months to live. I think he has enough sense to cut down before cutting down is too late. If he really loves you, his family and life, he will find a suitable substitute for the beer...like water.

 

I watched a good friend drink himself blind until his death at 38. He had kidney and liver failure. Over a very short period he got very sick, then jaundiced (turned very yellow) and died three days later. He worked at a newspaper where I did and he drank every night after the paper was put to bed. His death saddened everyone.

 

You came from a family where alcohol and dysfunction was king. You deserve the second half of your life to be of far better quality. It's the only life you will get. And it's the only life he will get too.

 

I hope the two of you will work together to eliminate alcohol as an ingredient in your lives to your years remaining on the planet will be of the highest quality and your guy will not have to leave to earth prematurely.

[Elmer]

I may be playing devil's advocate here, but you did ask for opinions.

 

Firstly, the 'safe' drinking level is defined as 4 standard drinks/day for men, about half the level of a sixpack of beers. As well as two days alcohol free, drinking at this level is quite sustainable without physical problems.

 

An alcoholic is someone who drinks considerably more than this, and lacks control over when they drink.

 

From what you've said, I personally wouldn't label your man an alcoholic - it doesn't sound like he even gets drunk at a sixpack a night rate. Just an opinion, hope you both can sort out some sort of compromise.