Author Thorgs Posted August 3, 2010 Author Share Posted August 3, 2010 Do you have enough of a sense of humor left to appreciate my asking: Who was it that threw up 4 times in the back seat, you or the dog? And please, don't end a puke story with "When it rains, it pours" That's just throwing a straight-line out there that begs for more punch lines... Haha, definitely the dog. I can see the pun with when it rains, it pours...especially after the 4th time vomiting. Oh well, the world still turns. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thorgs Posted August 4, 2010 Author Share Posted August 4, 2010 Some cliff notes; I wrote her a letter basically saying thank you and goodbye. This past Tuesday she emailed me a letter at 5AM. I text her back saying thank you. We text for about an hour and she randomly sent me a topless picture, which mind****ed the **** out of me. Then she text me when I was at work asking to go to lunch with her and her daughters. I went and we all had a good time. Didn't talk to her for a couple days. Went for a run and came up on her and her ex husband arguing in a parking lot. She saw me as she was driving down the street. She text me an hour later asking to come out to dinner with her and her daughters. I went. She flirted with me and asked me to come hang with her for a little bit at her house. I went. She asked for a kiss and I couldn't resist. I've been so lonely and my life is at rock bottom. I left there feeling great thinking things might work out. Didn't hear from her for a few days. Had an extremely bad weekend and text her asking if I could take one of her dogs for a few hours for company and told her I was having a hard time. Didn't talk to her for a few days and she text me today when she was in class saying she was bored. I text her back saying if she wants a "pic" to let me know. She replied, "k". Wow, ouch. I text her daughter who loves me asking if she's been seeing someone else and asked if she's trying to get over me. She said yes and yes. I went past rock bottom. I'm supposed to bring her daughter to camp tomorrow so she has something to do. So I text the ex back saying that I know she's trying to get over me and I wont ever bother her again. After I drop her daughter off tomorrow I wont anymore and I will disappear. She replied saying she thought everything was good between us, but I didn't write back. Today; Brought her daughter to camp with me, she had a blast and then dropped her off. Didn't see the ex at all, thank God. Found out today that after she broke up with me to "be single" that she tried getting with her ex husband and he turned her down. Now she goes out drinking all the time and comes home wasted and has a new guy coming around. Hmm, she seems really happy with life eh? Anyways, it's hurting and scaring her daughters and she doesn't even realize it. If they try talking to her about it she just gets defensive. Anyways, with all that bull****, she text me about 30 minutes ago saying this, "I tried calling but I guess you don't want to talk to me. I'm sorry! I'm in isolation for now but just wanted to say thanks for doing what you do!!!" What the hell does that even mean? I didn't reply again and it feels so ****ing good, although my heart goes out to her daughters. Link to post Share on other sites
EthanH Posted August 4, 2010 Share Posted August 4, 2010 hey, I think the NC route which everyone on here seems to have suggested is your best plan... you don't seem to be taking it, but I understand how difficult it is (i ignored everyones advice on here for so long)... so i don't think i have much more to add... but one thing stuck out for me in reading this whole thread. You said at one point, that you don't have friends... is that true? and if so, why don't you have friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thorgs Posted August 4, 2010 Author Share Posted August 4, 2010 hey, I think the NC route which everyone on here seems to have suggested is your best plan... you don't seem to be taking it, but I understand how difficult it is (i ignored everyones advice on here for so long)... so i don't think i have much more to add... but one thing stuck out for me in reading this whole thread. You said at one point, that you don't have friends... is that true? and if so, why don't you have friends? My high school friends and I have grown apart. My college friends are all out west. The new people I met when I first moved to this area 3 years ago turned out to be pathological liars, druggies, thieves, etc. I dropped them as friends real fast. As for NC, I'm doing that now...again. Started day 2. Link to post Share on other sites
EthanH Posted August 4, 2010 Share Posted August 4, 2010 thing is (and I don't blame you for this)... you have clearly been totally involved in everything to do with the breakup since it happened. And because you don't have friends, it seems like it is difficult to do stuff where it isn't the only thing on your mind. I don't mean to be patronising about this, but I think the reason you are finding it so difficult is that you don't have friends... I'm in the middle of a massive breakup saga, and the thought of going through it all without friends scares the hell out of me, I don't know what I would do! Furthermore, part of the reason she treats you the way she does is that she knows you don't have friends and so she can really get to you as she knows that her texts etc will get to you. Also, not having friends must have had a big impact on your relationship. Obviously I don't know the intricacies of your situation, but to me, it would be good for you in every way if you could make some new friends. Start living and thinking for yourself a bit for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thorgs Posted August 5, 2010 Author Share Posted August 5, 2010 Deleted Facebook today. No need for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thorgs Posted August 7, 2010 Author Share Posted August 7, 2010 Day 4 NC. I'm never having a relationship again after all this clears. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thorgs Posted August 9, 2010 Author Share Posted August 9, 2010 Oh God. Her youngest daughter keeps texting me "hey" but I keep ignoring it. I feel horrible because she really has no father figure in her life and her mom is going off the deep end by going out and drinking all the time and hanging out with lots of new guys. I feel bad for her, blah. Day 6 NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thorgs Posted August 10, 2010 Author Share Posted August 10, 2010 (edited) Should I reply to her daughter telling her to not contact me anymore since her mom would rather bring over random men and wants me out of their lives? Or something along those lines... Or just ignore it? I feel bad. Edited August 10, 2010 by Thorgs Link to post Share on other sites
lunita Posted August 10, 2010 Share Posted August 10, 2010 Ignore it. It could even be the mom using her daughter to play games. Especially don't respond with the response you came up with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thorgs Posted August 10, 2010 Author Share Posted August 10, 2010 Ignore it. It could even be the mom using her daughter to play games. Especially don't respond with the response you came up with. I think that response would be perfectly fine, but I'm going to just ignore her. Link to post Share on other sites
PixieStix Posted August 10, 2010 Share Posted August 10, 2010 Should I reply to her daughter telling her to not contact me anymore since her mom would rather bring over random men and wants me out of their lives? Or something along those lines... Or just ignore it? I feel bad. Ignore it. Having the same issues too. Got a call from the ex today telling me to not call him unless there is "an emergency" since I called him the other day about our dogs with a legit question and he complained that it messed with his mind too much. I could hear the new live-in gf in the background blabbing into the conversation. I think she is behind the new "no calling unless its an emergency" rule. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thorgs Posted August 21, 2010 Author Share Posted August 21, 2010 Touched down in Las Vegas at 5:30 today and guess who called me 15 minutes! Yep didn't even answer it Link to post Share on other sites
Username37 Posted August 21, 2010 Share Posted August 21, 2010 Touched down in Las Vegas at 5:30 today and guess who called me 15 minutes! Yep didn't even answer it Whatca doing in Vegas ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thorgs Posted August 21, 2010 Author Share Posted August 21, 2010 Whatca doing in Vegas ? Visiting my twin sis who lives at Ft. Irwin. And ironically enough my mom just moved to Vegas last week. Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyPoppy Posted August 21, 2010 Share Posted August 21, 2010 Hi Thorgs, I've been reading this thread and see you are doing better, which is great. I also think you are in way over your head with this woman, who has serious mental health issues and is obviously not handling them. So let me preface with I am former friends with a woman so like this. Eventually, I and basically all of us had to leave her. She has carried on this way, without change for 25+ years. NO CHANGE. She now has 5 kids, her 2 adult ones no longer want contact with her. Standard nonsense is hyper sexuality, involvement interest in anyone who doesn't want her. Nourishing herself on men who are kind to take care of her (and kids) while pursuing the unavailable ones...it goes on and on. She is attractive and thank god finally in her 40's so the takers for this are waning. She is also, ironically, a nurse... I say this because when reading this I had a moment of wonder if it was her, seriously. It was exactly the same. One triangle after another between good guys/exhusbands/guy from airport lounge. Bad boundaries with kids...etc So if you want to be a role model for these kids you need to do this: Remember they are kids and absolutely going to have lifetime issues due to this mother, don't add to this by discussing your problems with their mother with them. You know better, you are far too decent a human to continue down that road of harm to them. They are not therapists, they are victims of a very disturbed woman who has parentified them to the point where they no longer have childhoods and obviously cannot relate well to their peers. Truly, be an adult, you know this is the right thing. I'm sorry, but this will haunt you *exactly* because you sound like a decent guy. Next thing is, get serious or you are going to really get whammed. This is no joke. Start with "I am not a mental health professional" which is the ONLY thing that will offer anything to this woman. No love cures this, no friendship, not even the love of children. Even mental health professionals cannot do a thing with grown women who are so out of control unless they are willing to go into Long term care. Know this. You are a boyfriend, get your ego out of romantic notions like love solves all. No, it doesn't. Love does not cure Cancer. Mental problems of this level are exactly like Cancer. I'm sorry. So what can you do? I'll tell you what I did when in your situation with a past relationship. It worked and was hard: 1. get a new phone number ASAP. 2. close all email accounts. 3. find a coda group or codependent group or partners of mentally ill group- they will take your calls at 4 am when you want to dial. 4. forgive yourself. You are the victim of your own decency 5. See her children in school. If they bring up their mother, tell them it is over and you like them lots. Explain that they can have fun with you without her being discussed and that there is a no talk about her rule that they need to 100% respect. This may be a first that someone thought about them v. their mother's crap - she doesn't know how to not use her kids. 6. Yes, she had a bad childhood, yuppers. People all over have terrible things happen to them, some of them are in prison with a chick who thought she could change them. Nope, you can't change a soul with love - it's not about love. 7. know you are not alone, even if it seems that way. I'm sorry to be rather tough sounding. I also know that sick people are sick and you don't have to hate them or try to figure them out. Just accept them and give yourself permission to have a really ok life. You are a good person and we all have flaws Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyPoppy Posted August 21, 2010 Share Posted August 21, 2010 Oh and since you like Oprah (which is really ok) here are some very Oprah-esque things that helped me: put sticky notes on all the mirrors and fridge of your house that read: My love does not cure terminal illness, substance abuse, mental illness or criminal behavior. I've never seen love do this in real life, only in novels and movies. My love is right sized today and I'm going to do my best to keep this in perspective. Losing sight of that is harmful to others and myself. I don't want to to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thorgs Posted August 21, 2010 Author Share Posted August 21, 2010 Hi Thorgs, I've been reading this thread and see you are doing better, which is great. I also think you are in way over your head with this woman, who has serious mental health issues and is obviously not handling them. So let me preface with I am former friends with a woman so like this. Eventually, I and basically all of us had to leave her. She has carried on this way, without change for 25+ years. NO CHANGE. She now has 5 kids, her 2 adult ones no longer want contact with her. Standard nonsense is hyper sexuality, involvement interest in anyone who doesn't want her. Nourishing herself on men who are kind to take care of her (and kids) while pursuing the unavailable ones...it goes on and on. She is attractive and thank god finally in her 40's so the takers for this are waning. She is also, ironically, a nurse... I say this because when reading this I had a moment of wonder if it was her, seriously. It was exactly the same. One triangle after another between good guys/exhusbands/guy from airport lounge. Bad boundaries with kids...etc So if you want to be a role model for these kids you need to do this: Remember they are kids and absolutely going to have lifetime issues due to this mother, don't add to this by discussing your problems with their mother with them. You know better, you are far too decent a human to continue down that road of harm to them. They are not therapists, they are victims of a very disturbed woman who has parentified them to the point where they no longer have childhoods and obviously cannot relate well to their peers. Truly, be an adult, you know this is the right thing. I'm sorry, but this will haunt you *exactly* because you sound like a decent guy. Next thing is, get serious or you are going to really get whammed. This is no joke. Start with "I am not a mental health professional" which is the ONLY thing that will offer anything to this woman. No love cures this, no friendship, not even the love of children. Even mental health professionals cannot do a thing with grown women who are so out of control unless they are willing to go into Long term care. Know this. You are a boyfriend, get your ego out of romantic notions like love solves all. No, it doesn't. Love does not cure Cancer. Mental problems of this level are exactly like Cancer. I'm sorry. So what can you do? I'll tell you what I did when in your situation with a past relationship. It worked and was hard: 1. get a new phone number ASAP. 2. close all email accounts. 3. find a coda group or codependent group or partners of mentally ill group- they will take your calls at 4 am when you want to dial. 4. forgive yourself. You are the victim of your own decency 5. See her children in school. If they bring up their mother, tell them it is over and you like them lots. Explain that they can have fun with you without her being discussed and that there is a no talk about her rule that they need to 100% respect. This may be a first that someone thought about them v. their mother's crap - she doesn't know how to not use her kids. 6. Yes, she had a bad childhood, yuppers. People all over have terrible things happen to them, some of them are in prison with a chick who thought she could change them. Nope, you can't change a soul with love - it's not about love. 7. know you are not alone, even if it seems that way. I'm sorry to be rather tough sounding. I also know that sick people are sick and you don't have to hate them or try to figure them out. Just accept them and give yourself permission to have a really ok life. You are a good person and we all have flaws Thanks for the advice, much appreciated. However, I just want to clear up that I didn't discuss my relationship with her daughters, or lack of relationship for this case. Just simply a "what's new" conversation after the break up and they would bring up things about their mother. Also, I am not her boyfriend. We have been broken up for almost 2 months and she is already with a new guy, who is actually a doctor. Maybe he can figure out her mental issues and help her with her insecurities. Anyways, day 18 of NC (for the 2nd time around). Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyPoppy Posted August 21, 2010 Share Posted August 21, 2010 Good for you! I'm sorry if I read incorrectly and hope it wasn't offensive. Glad you corrected me It will change. Oh, just think you can offer to MD when he is all scrambled egg head: "Take two aspirin, NC and call me in the morning" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thorgs Posted August 21, 2010 Author Share Posted August 21, 2010 MD? *confused* Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted August 21, 2010 Share Posted August 21, 2010 MD? *confused* the doctor - her new boyfriend... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thorgs Posted August 21, 2010 Author Share Posted August 21, 2010 the doctor - her new boyfriend... Oh duh, haha. Link to post Share on other sites
PixieStix Posted August 25, 2010 Share Posted August 25, 2010 Have a blast in Vegas and congrats on your new NC marathon, keep it up. I have totally written my ex off, since he just only moved out a month ago, I was surprised to learn that he is getting married in 17 days, and apparently asked her after only 4 days of dating her! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thorgs Posted August 26, 2010 Author Share Posted August 26, 2010 On my way home. Work tomorrow, fireworks tomorrow night. Beach Saturday...things are good. Link to post Share on other sites
PixieStix Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 Glad to hear it! Link to post Share on other sites
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