ideas

[somuchforthat]

Hi All,

 

i have been lurking these sites on occasion. I am on a long path for education, i already have my bachelors and will be looking at more schooling about 6 more years or so. I am 23 yo virgin at the moment and i have had only one relationship in my whole life...i think it was a relationship? It lasted three weeks ( two weeks and 6 days ) and then i got dumped bc the girl realized that her religion was more important to her. When i moved up to the big city after college i meet a group of people ( my ex was part of this group) so we all hung out as a group so she knew my my stance on religion ( kind of a atheist). My point here is that its not like it was new information to her that i was religious or not or that i was not the same religion as her. Anyway it ended and the only way was her way or the highway ( she wanted me to convert otherwise it was over). So that was my first ever relatiosnhip at 21 years of age..... it was a hard few months after it ended. i have been single since then

 

anyway here are just some of my thoughts/concerns

 

I will be a older once i am settled and the prospects of finding someone at that age become harder and harder bc most women by then are already taken and the ones that are left are the ones who are divorced who got married early who have kids or those who have slept around and want to settle now ( these are generalizations and do not apply to everyone of course). Every day i see people w their so's (significant others) and i have been basically single my whole life. Its starting to drive me a little crazy. Its starting to affect my ability to focus on my studies. Some days are better than others i dont feel as lonely but sometimes its pretty bad. I try and think positive and tell myself dont worry about these things they will sort themselves out ( kinda a vague reassruance ofcourse). My friends say you are a great guy and this n that n that i will find someone someday etc... really these comments dont really help me. I try my best to not focus on it but i cant help it sometimes my mind just brings it up!

 

My former roommates gf's friend told her that she though i was cute and other friends friends have said something long those lines also.

 

Plus it seems like being a vigrin at that age bracket isnt looked upon as a good thing really because it means there is something wrong w the guy. Not only the virigin part but also having little relationship experience is not looked at as a good thing. Most view it as some sort of social issue in terms of communicationg and behaviior? Most of my freinds are already w someone, engaged and or married too.

 

I don't know what i should be doing to help my mind focus on my studies. While in college this was on my mind a little bit too but it never had any influence on my productivity but lately its been pretty bad. I cant really focus well anymore... i have tried and tired. Any good suggestions? I try and hang out with my friends and be social and all but it doesn't seem to be helping that much.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

somuchforthat

[somuchforthat]

Hi All,

 

i have been lurking these sites on occasion. I am on a long path for education, i already have my bachelors and will be looking at more schooling about 6 more years or so. I am 23 yo virgin at the moment and i have had only one relationship in my whole life...i think it was a relationship? It lasted three weeks ( two weeks and 6 days ) and then i got dumped bc the girl realized that her religion was more important to her. When i moved up to the big city after college i meet a group of people ( my ex was part of this group) so we all hung out as a group so she knew my my stance on religion ( kind of a atheist). My point here is that its not like it was new information to her that i was religious or not or that i was not the same religion as her. Anyway it ended and the only way was her way or the highway ( she wanted me to convert otherwise it was over). So that was my first ever relatiosnhip at 21 years of age..... it was a hard few months after it ended. i have been single since then

 

anyway here are just some of my thoughts/concerns

 

I will be a older once i am settled and the prospects of finding someone at that age become harder and harder bc most women by then are already taken and the ones that are left are the ones who are divorced who got married early who have kids or those who have slept around and want to settle now ( these are generalizations and do not apply to everyone of course). Every day i see people w their so's (significant others) and i have been basically single my whole life. Its starting to drive me a little crazy. Its starting to affect my ability to focus on my studies. Some days are better than others i dont feel as lonely but sometimes its pretty bad. I try and think positive and tell myself dont worry about these things they will sort themselves out ( kinda a vague reassruance ofcourse). My friends say you are a great guy and this n that n that i will find someone someday etc... really these comments dont really help me. I try my best to not focus on it but i cant help it sometimes my mind just brings it up!

 

My former roommates gf's friend told her that she though i was cute and other friends friends have said something long those lines also.

 

Plus it seems like being a vigrin at that age bracket isnt looked upon as a good thing really because it means there is something wrong w the guy. Not only the virigin part but also having little relationship experience is not looked at as a good thing. Most view it as some sort of social issue in terms of communicationg and behaviior? Most of my freinds are already w someone, engaged and or married too.

 

I don't know what i should be doing to help my mind focus on my studies. While in college this was on my mind a little bit too but it never had any influence on my productivity but lately its been pretty bad. I cant really focus well anymore... i have tried and tired. Any good suggestions? I try and hang out with my friends and be social and all but it doesn't seem to be helping that much. I try and battle my mind and its thoughts and focus on the right things. Im tired and drained and am not sure how much longer i can keep battling.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

somuchforthat

[David.]

I have to say you've got some peculiar ideas about the world and people in it - and it would help to discover that it's not as you imagine it to be.

 

I can't imagine where you are, in that the people around you have said or implied the kinds of things you indicate. They aren't helping. I assume you're in the USA. I would guess it's pretty far away from any major city, because if you were in LA, Chicago, NYC, Boston, DC, and so on, you'd be finding loads more people who'd like you for who you are.

 

So the short answer to your question is to get out into the world; get away for at least a year. Get exposed to a whole bunch of people who are nothing like the ones you know now. It may feel risky, but it's better than being isolated.

 

So, of course, that's a bit tricky. Can you find work in a new place? Can you do overseas work? Can you just up & move sticks? Probably not. Oh, yeah, you're still studying. But it's still the best answer I can think of.

Edited August 20, 2010 by David.

[somuchforthat]

i am in the Portland, OR, USA

 

what do you mean by peculiar ideas of the world? lol idk i just feel like very few people value things anymore and just based on all the divorce rates, infidelity, cheating and such.

 

I dont have much faith i geuss idk....just based on what i read and hear.

 

I was a bit intrigued by why people in bigger cities would value the things i did? Arnt they more your stereotypical cities with all the bad things that happen...?

 

thanks for your input!

[David.]

I mean things like

I will be a older once i am settled and the prospects of finding someone at that age become harder and harder bc most women by then are already taken

I haven't heard anything this bizarre in ages.

What do you mean 'most women are taken'? Both the first and the last word in that phrase are dead wrong in my experience - and guess what, I've lived in Portland, and I know it's a provincial city, but it's not full of the kinds of people you imagine. I know you qualified the comment as a generalisation, but it's more than that one bit. Go hang out at KBOO or something.

 

Take a look at your later response:

Arnt they more your stereotypical cities with all the bad things that happen...?

This speaks volumes. It says you either have a closed mind about cities, or have never looked around them. Portland is big enough to explore. Go visit Albina, walk all over, get to know some people in other neighbourhoods. Go see if there are any bums under the bridges. Find some people who are doing urban foraging, scavenging, community gardens. Whatever.

 

You are unhappy because you are surrounded by a gaggle of people who are happily settled in their routines, and you want to be as well, but it hasn't happened for you. You are making yourself miserable by comparing yourself to them. That's daft. Go get involved with a bunch of other people who aren't going to constantly remind you of your very slight differences. Try community work, get a job at the farmer's market, join a co-op, hang out with some creative types.

 

Anything to get you away from the too-tidy mindset that your words convey.