ph4eveh Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 greetings... i'm a divorced dad of 2 who recently re-married. my wife was single, never married, and has no kids and we are unable to have any kids of our own. we are both 43. when we are in a social situation where other people or couples talk about their kids, and i chime in about mine, my wife sometimes gets upset. a lot of it has to do with the fact that we have nothing together. by that i mean we have no kids of our own, we don't own a home (can't for a while due to my credit being trashed in the divorce) and really have nothing else but the 2 of us to bond the relationship or create *our history* i try to be empathetic, but i don't always do a good job of it. if we are in a conversation with others and the subject of kids comes up, or someone asks me a question that involves my past, i sometimes tend to give more info than necessary. and this can lead to me saying something about the ex-life and/or ex-wife. this only fuels her sadness/anger about us not having anything together. for starters, i know i need to summarize my answers better...but how can i empathize with her yet still participate in the conversation and not seem like i'm waxing on about my kids, bringing up the ex, etc. at the same time? she thinks i don't have her back at all.... sorry for rambling on here...but i wanted to get as much of the explanation out as i could... any advice anyone has would be greatly appreciated... thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 It sounds like your wife has never been comfortable with your kids and has never accepted them. She still feels jealous of the fact that you have children with another woman while the two of you can never have children together. You really ought to have thought about this before you married her She basically wants your kids and ex-wife to not exist, and obviously that's not going to happen, but she wants you to pretend they don't exist by not talking about them. But I don't see why you should have to avoid talking about them - your kids are an important part of your life, and because of that so is their mother. Either your wife needs to stop feeling jealous of your past and allow you to talk normally about your kids, or she needs to end the marriage. The latter is unfortunately easier than the former Link to post Share on other sites
Author ph4eveh Posted June 30, 2010 Author Share Posted June 30, 2010 thanks eeyore...she does like them and they like her, too. but she's had a hard time accepting that i will always have a connection to my ex. i wish it wasn't the case, but it is what it is... we actually have talked in great length about the kid situation. it's not that she mad that we can't have them, it's more about that we can't even try....that option was taken away from her by someone else (i'm *fixed* and we don't have the $$ for a reversal)....we would both love to try, and are ok if we're unable to have kids of our own... how can i be more sympathetic to her feelings, yet not duck the conversation? Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 I also have a hard time accepting that someone else will always have a connection to their ex, so I solve this problem by not dating anyone who has a permanent connection to an ex. I simply do not date men who are divorced or have kids, period, because I already know that I don't like their exes hanging around. I would never become comfortable with a man's ex, and perhaps your wife will never become comfortable with your ex. Given that fact, she really shouldn't have married you. But now that you're married, she either has to come to terms with it or ship out. You can't tiptoe around her and pretend that your kids (and by extension your ex) don't exist. She has to cope with your kids and ex being mentioned in normal conversation, and if she can't come to terms with it then she needs to leave the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ph4eveh Posted June 30, 2010 Author Share Posted June 30, 2010 eeyore - thanks for your thoughts and your honesty...the upshot is that i'm barely on speaking terms with the ex...so it's only occasionally do we have to actually deal with her... but you're right - i can't pretend the kids don't exist....is there a happy medium here? Link to post Share on other sites
turnstone Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 I think it takes both of you to recognise that there is a problem here and that both of you need to do something about it. Your new wife needs reassurance, lots of it and continual, to start to believe that what you have with her outstrips everything you had with your ex wife. She, on the other hand, needs to be prepared to accept that reassurance and believe it, even when its easier for her not to. She definitely needs to feel a part of your children's lives and of value to them and you need to both think about how to do that whilst at the same time making sure that everyone is aware she's not trying to be their mother. There is a fine balance between not talking about your ex and your past and it becoming a 'secret'. Of course you don't want your wife to feel excluded because you talk about it, but at the same time, not talking about it can seem secretive and as though there is something to hide. Personally, I feel its better to be completely open about everything, just make sure you are purely factual and you leave feelings out of it. I'd be interested to see how you get on with whatever it is you decide to do Link to post Share on other sites
turnstone Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 Oh and one other thing - do you feel your wife and you are in a financially stable enough position to have children at the moment? Life does suck when we can't have what we want, but part of being an adult is dealing with it Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 There's no reason under the sun not to wax eloquent about your children. What you might have to do is to pull back on mentioning the ex-wife, unless it's in terms of ensuring everyone knows that you're discussing the ex. Use terms like the ex-wife or the children's mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 if we are in a conversation with others and the subject of kids comes up, or someone asks me a question that involves my past, i sometimes tend to give more info than necessary. and this can lead to me saying something about the ex-life and/or ex-wife. this only fuels her sadness/anger about us not having anything together. I'd say keep it short if your W is present. She is going to feel left out. She would like to have kids with you. She can't. She probably feels like you are throwing in her face that you have kids from another woman and at the same time she is being reminded that you can't have kids with her and she feels frustrated. Do such conversations happen often? Or is it an occasional thing? If it happens often I think you are not being sensitive. If it is relative or friends of yours that bring up the subject of your past perhaps they are not being sensitive and should know better? What you might have to do is to pull back on mentioning the ex-wife, unless it's in terms of ensuring everyone knows that you're discussing the ex. Use terms like the ex-wife or the children's mother. I really like this advice. Also, do not use words like "family" when referring to your ex anfd your kids. I'd also suggest to include your new W in the conversation. I'm sure there is more than a way to let slip in casually or to make clear that you are currently very happy with your new W while having a conversation about your past. At least she is not going to be left out. Is your W's relationship with your kids generally good? And... when you agreed to get married, did she *know* about the situation? Were you clear about being unable to have kids? Or did you leave her room for hope? Any chances she might be feeling "tricked"? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 but she's had a hard time accepting that i will always have a connection to my ex. i wish it wasn't the case, but it is what it is... Why? Sorry, but that seems a little odd on her part. Or, maybe refusing to be realistic is more accurate? Is it self esteem issues on her part? Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 I always like it when blended families talk about "their five kids" when really maybe 2 are hers and 3 are his. Y'all are family now ! Why can't you put your arm around your wife and say "yeah, we went and saw our kids play softball yesterday" or the like ? It's a not a DNA test in a court of law. And, I suggest you get a mutual pet together that you can parent ! Link to post Share on other sites
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