Some questions for MEN about the way they handle problems in relationships

[carra]

Why do men give up on their marriage soo easily?

Is it because they see no hope?

If you and your wife are fighting over trivial things, don't you think you can work it out?

And why are soo many men against counceling?

 

sorry about all the questins, i just can't undersatnd why some people just run instead of puting the energy into saving the marriage.

[OrlandoGirl]

Because our society is a "throw away" type of society anymore. If people only realized resolving conflict was a GOOD thing in some instances..it helps you learn, grow and build character. But, unfortunately, some of us are just as disposable to some people as their burger king wrapper.

[Errol]

Originally posted by carra

Why do men give up on their marriage soo easily?

Women do too.

 

Is it because they see no hope?

There are probably a LOT of reasons -- as many reasons as there are people.

 

If you and your wife are fighting over trivial things, don't you think you can work it out?

Some people find compromises. Some people don't. Some people agree to disagree. Some people don't. It is different for every single person.

 

And why are soo many men against counceling?

What! And admit that men need help too! There are plenty of women who refuse counseling too. All for different reasons - maybe embarassment or fear or inertia -- could be any reason.

 

sorry about all the questins, i just can't undersatnd why some people just run instead of puting the energy into saving the marriage.

Those who 'run' do so for their own unique and individual reasons -- the same for those who stay.

 

Sorry there are no easy answers.

[dyermaker]

Why do women make blanket gender generalizations?

[UCFKevin]

Because they're good at knitting.

[doniker]

Why do men give up on their marriage soo easily?

 

I haven't. My marriage stinks but I am not going to leave my child, my house and everything I've worked for to live in some dumpy apartment all alone and have more bills to pay.

 

 

Is it because they see no hope?

 

I never give up hope that someday I will be happy and content.

 

 

If you and your wife are fighting over trivial things, don't you think you can work it out?

 

99% of what we fight about is trivial, trivial to her but not to me!! My wife is very controlling and I am very passive so I just give up the fight, let her win and the problems get swept under the carpet for awhile.

 

 

And why are soo many men against counceling?

 

My parents put me through years of counciling as a teen and it was a joke. Some clown goes to college and gets a degree and thinks he can solve everybody's mental problems. It's just an easy way to earn big bucks and to milk insurance companies by never "curing" the patient.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by doniker

My parents put me through years of counciling as a teen and it was a joke. Some clown goes to college and gets a degree and thinks he can solve everybody's mental problems. It's just an easy way to earn big bucks and to milk insurance companies by never "curing" the patient.

 

Some (most) counselors are extremely competent and able to help people with their problems. Basing your opinion on the counseling field by the experience with one counselor years ago is like basing your opinion on men after dating just one.

[doniker]

Originally posted by dyermaker

Some (most) counselors are extremely competent and able to help people with their problems. Basing your opinion on the counseling field by the experience with one counselor years ago is like basing your opinion on men after dating just one.

 

I went to several "counselors" back then and was even admitted to a treatment center for 30 days when I was 17.

 

I came out with more problems. These quacks try to open you up and expose yourself and try to come up with reasons why you feel the way you do.

 

I ended up feeling more inadequate after they put me through their mental wringers.

[carra]

sorry to make a generalized statement about men, but i wanted your opinions.

 

ok, how does a girl know if her man isn't in to her anymore?

 

 

Are there any signs to look for?

 

Do you guys believe love can be restored to a relationship?

 

How do you know if you are compatible?

[GoldfingerCymru]

Carra,

 

I was married for 10 years and tried very hard to keep the marriage together for over 5 years of bad times. My ex-wife was a big drinker, and when drunk would physically and mentally abuse me. In the end I gave up, not for the sake of trying!!

 

If I were you I would chat with your other half and ask if something is wrong. Too many people (male and female) run when confronted with problems when it could be all fixed/reconcile with pure and simple direct communication.

 

Do this and then see if it is worth saving, don't waste 5 years of your life like I did if it is not, but communicate first.

 

Hope it helps.

 

Alan

[InmannRoshi]

http://www.nytimes.com/library/national/regional/071100ny-col-tierney.html

 

Across America, at least two-thirds of divorce suits are filed by women. Researchers who have interviewed divorcing couples have repeatedly found that, in cases where the divorce is not mutally desired, women are more than twice as likely to be the ones who want out. After the split, women are typically happier than their exes.

[GoldfingerCymru]

Research is bulls**t - Only my opinion.

 

Everybody and every case is unique. You just cannot group together all the unique couples/case just for a statistic.

 

If we all believed in statistics, what would be the point in having a relationship.

 

Live life, make mistakes, learn from them and don't make the same mistake again. Who says you can't learn and evolve with one person?

 

There is only one statistic I believe in - 100% of people die, sooner or later

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by GoldfingerCymru

Research is bulls**t - Only my opinion.

 

Do you have any independent studies to back up this opinion?

[Thinkalot]

TALK to your partner about this stuff. Communicate. Very important!

[GoldfingerCymru]

LOL dyermaker.

 

One way to get over a relationship - dry wit.

 

I prescribe more for us all.

[Samson]

Sorry, there are no easy answers

 

True, but I'll give what is MHO:

 

The substitue for the marriage is more attractive. I don't mean attractive in just an asthetic sense, I mean in every sense, and this goes for both men and women.

 

The more we have invested in a marriage, the less appealing are substitutes. In essence, in it simple economic theory.

[carra]

ufortunately there is nothing to bind my hubby to me other then our marriage papers.

i try talking to him, but he sys that once he makes up his mind, thats it.

 

we're both young. i'm 22, he's 23.

 

We were soo in love, but some things have happened and changed that. but i can't get through to him.

 

Anyone open for suggestions?

[Thinkalot]

Counselling? either for both of you, or even just you to sort out your feelings and figure out how to communicate them. Read books on relationships. Try and set aside some time to talk to you husband, clearly and calmly and without blame, about this things.

[Samson]

Carra,

 

I haven't had time to read through the previous postings so forgive if you've already answered what you mean by :

 

some things have happened and changed

 

your relationship.

 

It might be valuable to know what happened, or it might not. Frankly, if he says he's made up his mind to leave, then that seems to be that: counselling will be a waste of time and effort even if he agrees to it, his actions will only be designed to placate you.

 

You're right in that you are young. You may look at this as a learning experience. You've a long time to heal and then if you want, find another man.

[Thinkalot]

Samson speaks some truths, but don't give up too easily! All marriages/relationships take work and patience.

[carra]

we were married about a year, and then we decided to move closer to my parents and his dad. so we decided to move in w/ my hubby's family(big mistake) for two months. during that time his family said some things to him abouit me, like i was too moody, and he began to think negatively about me.

so, he suggested i live w/ my mom for a while, which really hurt. things just deteriated from there, i got drunk and kicked his car(no damage) and he threatened divorce.

 

we tried to work it out, but our communication was way off. we moved in together in an apt, and after about a week things fell apart agin, and we seperated for two months. he went back to his dad.

 

we tried reconciling on several occasions, but something was missing.

 

recently my hubby moved in with me and my roommate, but it didn't feel like a marriage anymore. we fought over pety things, the emotion just wasn't there. anyway, he left me again after i typed a beutiful letter to him (which he showed no emotion for). i lost it, got really hammered and now i'm seeking councelling.

 

p.s. i know it sounds like i might have a drinking problem, but i really can't stand the taste of alcohol, and hvn't touched the stuff since.

 

thanx for all your responses guys, it is much appreciated. if i can give you advice about women, i would be happy to help.

[Samson]

Think is, of course correct: work, sometimes even more often than not, maintaining relationships can be unpleasent.

 

But it takes two.

 

It sounds like you're the only one interested. I read a recent article about why marriage counselling often fails. One reason was that one party makes up their mind before counselling begins, and only goes through the motions without ever changing.

 

Glad to hear you're trying to help yourself. Sounds like you've been through a rough time. You've got youth on your side, and I think you'll pull through really well: however, the faster you put this marriage behind you, the better.

[Thinkalot]

That's a tough situation Carra and I feel for you. What Samson says is true. Many couples go to counselling way too late. You need to talk about your feelings with your husband, just as you've expressed them here, and see if he is in, or out. If it's gone, it may indeed be gone, but talk to him first.

 

You are only young. And in my personal experience, living with family can be VERY difficult. It's sad that your husband listened to his family, instead of siding with you. But it happens.

 

Good luck to you! Hope counselling helps. Look after yourself and your health.

[FreeMe]

Carra,

 

It sounds to me like he's not very strong minded if his family has that much influence over his thoughts. I was in a situation where my boyfriend would give me sh*t for everything his family said about me, even when it was completely fabricated.

 

I know you're extremely hurt and have a right to be, but if he's not interested in making the relationship work then it won't. You don't want to keep beating your head against a wall indefinitely. I did it for almost 3 years. It zapped all of my energy.

 

Maybe you should back off a little and think about what kind of life you want. If he's not willing to do what it takes to be part of that then he's not worth it. Take care of yourself first.

[Errol]

Originally posted by doniker

 

 

My parents put me through years of counciling as a teen and it was a joke. Some clown goes to college and gets a degree and thinks he can solve everybody's mental problems. It's just an easy way to earn big bucks and to milk insurance companies by never "curing" the patient.

 

Hey! I've been seriously playing with the idea of going back to college for a Ph.D and actually becoming a psychologist! I'm trying to arrange tuition costs now and have already met with a counselor to set up a degree plan. I didn't think it meant I had to trade my floppy shoes and Ronald McDonald wig!

 

Carra: Sometimes people do fall out of love, and when that happens it is confusing and the classic symptoms are anxiety, anger, and bitterness or resentment. Yes you are young, but that does not invalidate your feelings. If he is not willing to talk with you and discuss things calmly, there is not much you can do except to look after yourself. Find some books on communication and on what makes marriages work so that you can get your thoughts and feelings more ordered and make better decisions for yourself.