Who am I?

[bananaboat11]

This is more of a rhetorical thread.... comment however you please. Negative or positive.. your views and opinions of me matter not at this time. I need to self-reflect... but I feel I need to do it openly, publicly and I do not understand why, but I'm hoping the rationale reveals itself in time.

 

 

My name is not important. Few of you do know me. What do I know about myself? I've had 2 LTR's which, for one reason or another ended. On bad notes, but the women cared for me... and still do. We're great friends. Clearly, some relationships are not meant to be. In the last year, I've suffered 2 broken relationships. It was easier breaking off the second without getting hurt. She still wishes to remain friends - and here I am wondering if she'll want a second chance with me. Why? I'm not hopeful. I don't believe in happy endings. I believe things unfold as you let them. I do not believe in chance or the illusion of fate. I try to live this moment as if it is paradise - to make the best of every situation. So then why am I pseudo-depressed? My physical character / stature / appearance and the way I carry myself seems to draw women's attention (and gay men).

 

As of late though, I've been giving the attention to the wrong sort. Almost as if I was trying to fix them... but I see now that I was hoping to fix myself through them. I know that doesn't make any sense, yet to me it makes the opaque image of my life so much more lucid.

 

I feel as if my life is amazing - I am so fortunate to have the friends I do. My family, amidst all my flaws... mistakes... errs of my ways, are still there for me and love me.. unconditionally. And let me say I realize the mistakes I've made had astronomical costs... emotionally and financially... yet, somehow - the situations themselves played out in all our favor and everything turned out ok. I am not perfect.. no one is, but for what it's worth I thank G-d every day for my life.... for each breath I take.

 

The ironic thing is, I'm a man of science - a scientist, actually... working for my PhD in a health related field. Which, for many reasons, I'm slacking hardcore because I'm clearly not emotionally well at the moment. I'm sad. I don't think of myself as smart, but I am hardworking. Or... was.

 

I would like to embark on the greatest journey of my life... living. I feel something is holding me back and I know not of what, but I'm hoping through greater insight into myself I may discover dormant skeletons to finally lay to rest.

 

I am a dreamer. I am a lover. I am a hopeless romantic.

 

I believe in equality.

 

I am not racist or sexist.

 

I am very fit. I am tall (6'). I am fairly attractive. I am nothing short of well... I'm lacking a good euphemism here lol

 

Every woman in my life... I've either dated or befriended, but they all tell me how amazing I am and how head over heels they were for me, but at the time they wanted me... I was 'taken'. And so we've become good friends... and now they're seeing someone while I'm single. Go figure. Well, if it were meant to be... it'd be.

 

And now this last one... seemed to reverse all her problems on me. She wanted a stable relationship with me, but in reality.. wanted it with the one man who wouldn't give it to her... and now she's settled for that and him... partying... being foolish... and expecting me to stand by, for what? I won't stand for that kind of behavior. Tonight, I'm making severance, non-verbally of course. I'm going to protect my heart. Then again, how can one break it when it wasn't whole to begin with? Therein lies the problem...

 

It's time to work on me. I need to find some deeper meaning... I've begun reading Brad Warner's "Hardcore Zen"... very insightful without all the mysticism bull****. I picked up Soren Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling. I need to reevaluate my very being on this fated journey. Thank you for reading.

[D-Lish]

Sounds much like the right of passage ALL of us go through.

The difference might be that you can make sense of it and can therefore learn from it as you go along.

 

Love, success, failure, acceptance... All seem so important during a certain stage of life- yet such things become so mundane when you finally figure them out.

[USMCHokie]

I would like to embark on the greatest journey of my life... living. I feel something is holding me back and I know not of what, but I'm hoping through greater insight into myself I may discover dormant skeletons to finally lay to rest.

 

 

You are holding yourself back...you think too much and don't do enough...remember when we were talking about that Hardcore Zen book you were reading...? "Do without doing..."

 

You need to stop worrying about the hows and the whys and instead concentrate on the important questions...what, when, and where. I tell you this every day, but you need to stop analyzing every step of your life and just live it. I know you're a scientist with an analytical mind, but don't get in your own way towards happiness.

 

You will figure out what you need to know when the time comes to figure it out. Don't attempt to preempt fate by trying to have all the answers even before the answers can reveal themselves. You will find those answers as you go through your journey called life. When an answer is ready to reveal itself to you, you will be ready for it.

 

The past is the past. It's good that you have learned from each of your experiences, but once you've taken each lesson to heart and mind, it is best to let go of what once was and focus on what is and what will be. It makes no sense to continue to belabor the past and re-analyze past mistakes or past women. Get over it. Seriously...

 

I think it's about time you stopped self-reflecting. It's only digging you deeper into this hole you're in, and to be honest, it's rather sad to see you like this.

[bananaboat11]

I need to step into my own shoes once again...

 

thanks D-Lish.

 

Thank you KC.

[D-Lish]

I need to step into my own shoes once again...

 

thanks D-Lish.

 

Thank you KC.

 

I think you are doing okay BB, not many people have the insight that you do.

[TaraMaiden]

(. . .) What do I know about myself? I've had 2 LTR's which, for one reason or another ended.

 

This is not who you are.

This is something you have experienced in your role as a lover and partner.

 

On bad notes, but the women cared for me... and still do. We're great friends. Clearly, some relationships are not meant to be. In the last year, I've suffered 2 broken relationships. It was easier breaking off the second without getting hurt. She still wishes to remain friends - and here I am wondering if she'll want a second chance with me. Why? I'm not hopeful. I don't believe in happy endings.

These are emotions, feeling and sentiments based on perceptions you have. They might seem true to you, but this is your Truth. It may not be the truth of others, therefore it is merely a subjective point of view. An opinion. This is not static, but a moveable feast. Therefore it cannot be deemed real....

 

I believe things unfold as you let them.

This is choice. Nobody 'lets' anything happen. Even by 'letting things happen' you are exercising a choice...

I do not believe in chance or the illusion of fate. I try to live this moment as if it is paradise - to make the best of every situation. So then why am I pseudo-depressed?

 

Because 'trying' isn't 'doing'.

The problem is, we act in a specific way and then expect a given result. It's not a guarantee, though.

What you have to do is to permit things to unfold - as you have said you do - but then accept whatever the outcome, whatever it might be - with an accepting and open heart, and a freed mind. One that does not evaluate, but one that sees that this is how things are, and that they are fine as they are, and that this is the way they are and that's ok.

 

My physical character / stature / appearance and the way I carry myself seems to draw women's attention (and gay men).

This is not who you are. This is as you appear, or as you project yourself. But it's not who you are.

 

As of late though, I've been giving the attention to the wrong sort. Almost as if I was trying to fix them... but I see now that I was hoping to fix myself through them. I know that doesn't make any sense, yet to me it makes the opaque image of my life so much more lucid.

No it makes perfect sense. We believe that to make something of ourselves, we have to look outwards and see the ripple effect we create.

But this is not so...... In essence what we should be doing, is looking introspectively....

 

I feel as if my life is amazing - I am so fortunate to have the friends I do. My family, amidst all my flaws... mistakes... errs of my ways, are still there for me and love me.. unconditionally.

And let me say I realize the mistakes I've made had astronomical costs... emotionally and financially... yet, somehow - the situations themselves played out in all our favor and everything turned out ok. I am not perfect.. no one is, but for what it's worth I thank G-d every day for my life.... for each breath I take.

 

These are all things you have done, created, brought about, engineered and manufactured. This, in all ways, are activities you have generated.

But this is not Who You Are.

 

The ironic thing is, I'm a man of science - a scientist, actually... working for my PhD in a health related field.

 

This is your path, a chosen career.

But it's not Who You Are. It's merely a label...

 

Which, for many reasons, I'm slacking hardcore because I'm clearly not emotionally well at the moment. I'm sad. I don't think of myself as smart, but I am hardworking. Or... was.

But they are not who you are.

By virtue of the fact that your feelings and emotions change, they cannot define you.

 

I would like to embark on the greatest journey of my life... living. I feel something is holding me back and I know not of what, but I'm hoping through greater insight into myself I may discover dormant skeletons to finally lay to rest.

 

If you cannot find peace, serenity and life where you are, right now - then where else do you expect to find them?

There is no better place than here. There is no better time than now.

 

I am a dreamer. I am a lover. I am a hopeless romantic.

You Dream (activity).

You Love (Activity).

You manifest the behaviour of a hopeless romantic. (Emotion)....

These are activities and emotions. They are not WHO you are.

 

 

I believe in equality.

A value you believe in.

 

I am not racist or sexist.

Qualities you do NOT believe in.

Both points of view. Both definitions of emotive states.

They are not WHO you are.....

 

I am very fit. I am tall (6'). I am fairly attractive. I am nothing short of well... I'm lacking a good euphemism here lol

This body ages, breaks down, degenerates and decays.

It is not who you are.

 

Every woman in my life... I've either dated or befriended, but they all tell me how amazing I am and how head over heels they were for me, but at the time they wanted me... I was 'taken'. And so we've become good friends... and now they're seeing someone while I'm single. Go figure. Well, if it were meant to be... it'd be.

Experiences... all feeding the emotional centres and responses in your perceptions.....Not WHO you are.....

 

And now this last one... seemed to reverse all her problems on me. She wanted a stable relationship with me, but in reality.. wanted it with the one man who wouldn't give it to her... and now she's settled for that and him... partying... being foolish... and expecting me to stand by, for what? I won't stand for that kind of behavior. Tonight, I'm making severance, non-verbally of course. I'm going to protect my heart. Then again, how can one break it when it wasn't whole to begin with? Therein lies the problem...

You are attaching a permanence to your emotional responses, which are constantly changing as you re-evaluate the circumstances you are perceiving. This is not a 'real' experience, in that it too, shall pass, and you too will experience different feelings and emotions, from one day to another....

This is NOT who you are.

 

It's time to work on me. I need to find some deeper meaning... I've begun reading Brad Warner's "Hardcore Zen"... very insightful without all the mysticism bull****. I picked up Soren Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling. I need to reevaluate my very being on this fated journey. Thank you for reading.

Who is reading?

Who is re-evaluating?

Who is changing?

Who is re-appraising?

 

Who are you, and given that you are absolutely perfect as you actually are, what is it you need to adjust?

 

It seems in the past you have defined yourself based on the nature of relationships with significant others rather than the relationship with yourself and your true nature.

What is 'yourself'?

What is your 'True nature'?

These are ephemeral and ever-changing, and are intangible and unreal. Therefore, they are immaterial....

 

You have been more of a human DOING of late, rather than a human BEING. Doing by seeking desperately outside yourself, over-analyzing, over-thinking, and less of just being and existing with, listening to and going along the ebb and flow of the universe around you. Your questions only matter because you are driven too much by your mind - and the very nature of your studies prove this is so - scientists are mental creatures first: seek logical answers external to themselves to prove something to themselves and the world around them that there really is an answer.

 

What is 'Mind'?

What makes people think it is a power within and of itself?

we control our Minds, so assigning it a separate ability to be driven is a pointless argument....

 

You need no proof of your truth. You need no proof of your true nature, and yet truth is in abundance in every blade of grass, in every rock, and in every cherry blossom around you.

This is merely blah-ism and means nothing. Comparison of a sentient being to inanimate lifeless objects and non-sentient plants is irrelevant.

 

Seek the meaningful experience in the now within yourself FIRST - so the creation of the meaning becomes real to you. This meaning is for you and you alone.

This is very deep.

Not.

 

You are the sole creator of your existence. You are the sole creator of yourself. you are the sole creator and manifestor of your truth.

I disagree.

No man is an island... we live within an interconnectedness and what we think, say and do, resonates and affects others too....

 

You and every single manifestation has a true purpose, a meaning for living. Your questions indicate you know not what that is.

 

To know your true purpose, you must first nosce te ipsum: know thyself - then to thy own self be true.

There is no need to seek for meaning anywhere. The secret is to see things as they really are and accept Life as it unfolds.

This poster may quote Shakespeare.

I quote Kipling.

 

"If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two Impostors just the same..."

 

Things are great? Well, ok.

Things are not great? Well, ok.

 

The past is no more real to you than your future. It is only the now that matters. Let go of the past, let go of the attachment to an outcome with any of these relationships. You attached too much of yourself in these relationships and now the weight of these attachments are dragging you down.

 

Actually - this bit is spot-on.....

 

No one can reflect the answer but the one you have for yourself - they know it as you do.

 

To know it is to live it. To live it is to be it.

 

This bit is new-age claptrap and actually says nothing.

Edited July 3, 2010 by TaraMaiden