Money Issues

[Silver]

My boyfriend and I have been together going on 11 years later this year. The problem I have is that I am the one who constantly has to save and make sure we have enough money for everything. We agreed that I will pay the bills and groceries while he pays for rent. It works for us, but whenever he wants to upgrade his computer he asks me to borrow money, when the car needs to get fixed I have to shell out the money, etc. I admit he does pay me back but the guy can't save a dime to his name!! He makes more money then me but I am the one who has to save. He doesn't deny me of buying myself things if I need them, but it seems like I am saving my money so he can spend it!

 

Another thing that bothers me about is that he just presumes I have the money and he can take it. Instead of politely saying, I had to get the car fixed can I borrow X amount of money? He says give me your card I have to pay for the car repairs. It bugs me that he is rude about it and just demands/expects my money like that. I'm not his mother but I sure feel like it. (when a teenager says, I want this and this and this and this and has no sense of responsibility and just expects it) I would like to spend some of my money, I need a new haircut and some work clothes. But I'm afraid if I spend it we will be short with our payments and then I think what if something comes up and we need it.

 

I have spoke with him about this many times, but nothing comes out of it. I can talk until I'm blue in the face and he just stands there with his hand out waiting for me to give him the money or my bank card. I have asked him many times to be a little more polite or courteous when asking to borrow instead of growling and grunting it. Like last yesterday, the car had to get fixed, he didn't bother asking he just said, Oh ya so and so needs their money tomorrow, give me your card so I can get the money. At first I said I would go to the bank with him but it got too late and I was falling asleep on the couch, so I said nevermind I won't go, he stood at the door, put on his shoes, stuck out his hand and said "you are so f*cking difficult*. No thank you, I appreciate it, nothing except telling me what a difficult person he thinks I am. Last summer we agreed to take a vacation, we said we would both save a few hundred dollars then combine it for a trip. When vacation time got around he suddenly changed his mind and ended up borrowing my half so he could upgrade his computer.

 

What can I do or save to make him realize he has to save his money too?

[Errol]

Stop giving him the money. You are enabling him.

[Silver]

I wish it was that easy. He puts on a guilt trip, complains, pouts at times, gets mad. He says things like well if you don't lend me the money we won't do this or do that. Or if we are at the store and I say no he will say, ok let's go, and stomp off on me.

[moimeme]

Fine - so if he behaves like a child, treat him like a child. Let him pout, stomp, or whatever he wants to do. You are responsible for delineating your boundaries and sticking to them. You can't be a doormat unless you lie down and let people walk all over you.

[doniker]

first off, if you guys are living together their shouldn't be "his & her money". This is where my wife and I made a mistake.

Now we have one bank account and we made a budget for all the bills and have a savings.

 

But we still fight over certain things like her 22 year old son that lives at our house for free and eats like a horse and does no chores. I feel he should pay rent because I work all day to help support him.

[Leikela]

If he's so quick to get mad and stomp off when you won't lend him money and not appreciative when you DO lend him money, doesn't that raise a red flag that just maybe he's using you?

[Silver]

Hi, thanks for the replies.

 

moimeme: I know, I need to become a stronger person. I'm always worried in case I piss him off, I don't like fights' I tend to get a little nervous. I tried to make a new years resolution saying it's time to take care of me, I have to stop worrying and putting others before me, it's hard to do tho.

 

donkier: I don't see us having a shared bank account, he would just drain all the funds from it. I would put and put and put, while he just would spend freely, I can see it now. That's why I never ventured down that alley. At least with our own accounts, I can have some sort of control over my money. (not very much mind you, but I know where it goes)

 

Leikela: After almost 11 years together I would hope he wasn't using me , I mean I'm not a millionaire, I don't have loads of money just my pay every two weeks. Over the years I've learned to save because I've come to know that he spends. I'm the the one who saves for that rainy day, but the rainy day is never mine to spend it on. At the begining of our relationship when we first moved out, we were kind of on the poor side, I wasn't working full time, so food was limited, he had a full time job, we had bills to pay and rent, so our money was very tight. Now that I have been working for the the longest time I tell myself I need to save in case something does come up and I don't want to end up back the way we used to be. (hardly any food, etc.)

[Errol]

After 11 years together are you afraid that he will leave you if you don't give him money? If that is the case then there is a lot more wrong with your relationship then the money issue. Look up some codependency information. If it's just that you don't want to confront him or argue then you have to accept things as they are, or muster the energy to stick to your guns about it and tell him so.

 

It's YOUR money. If you give it to him you are enabling him. Its not going to change if you don't do something about it, and the only one you can change is YOU. Once your dynamic has changed within the relationship, then the relationship will change.

[doniker]

well good luck but seperate accounts in one household are tough to deal with.

 

After 11 years no sign of marriage?

 

I understand your pain. My wife loves to spend and I like to save. Everytime one of us gets a raise we promise to save the extra money but it never happens.

 

We currently earn 3 TIMES as much money than when we got married and we still live paycheck to paycheck.

[Silver]

Good morning everyone,

 

No, I don't think he would leave me if I denied him the money. He would act differently, he has in the past, you know saying things like let's just go home then forget about it, (when we have other places to go). He acts very childish at times and I have told him to grow up, he is a few years older then me.

 

Next time he wants money and I don't think it's a good idea I'll say no and see where it goes. I'll stick to my guns on it. Promise! I just want to have a bit of money saved up, I don't see a problem with that. I'm not stingy, I just don't like living week to week, having to worry if something comes up we won't be able to pay for it. We wanted to save up for a new car this summer, we'll see how that goes.

 

No, unfortunately there is still no sign of marriage. I always got the "one day, not now" "in a few years", "why do we need to get married, it's like we are already married now", "we can't afford it", "everything will change after we get married, you'll turn into a real b!tch", and so on, I heard them all. He knows that I want(ed) to get married, just a small wedding with only a few people, then go to eat in a restaurant afterwards, but still nothing. How does that saying go, why buy the whole cow when you can get the milk for free? Well I believe that is my case 100%. He has everything he wants under one roof. I act like his lover, his care taker and his mother all in one. I guess I've come to terms with him not wanting to marry me. I'm not happy about it but it's one of those things I am trying to learn to live with. I guess growing up I saw myself getting married (nothing too expensive, just a very simple wedding), having at least one child a nice home, a caring supportive husband... but it seems as if my little dreams keep being popped like balloons in front of my face. I know in some cases that's what the two people agree on, they both agree that living together for the rest of their lives together is ok, they don't have a problem with that. It works for them. That's great, but for me, I don't ask too much of him, just to be remembered on special occasions, for himto give me a hand with things, try to work together, I didn't think marriage was an over the top idea, I just thought it would be a part of my life.

 

I'll be honest with you all, the money issue isn't the only issue we have but it's driving me nuts because I never seem to have money in case I need it. I guess I have to look at everything as a whole and re-think a few things. Weigh out the good with the bad.

 

I just feel as though it's my fault and wonder if I am in fact the selfish one. I have been with him for a very long time, I first started dating him when I was a teenager, my first true-love. I don't know life without him.

 

Well thanks again everyone. I guess I have some soul searching to do.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Stop giving him the money. You are enabling him.

 

I agree!!!!

 

There is a wonderful publication entitled: Living Together: A Legal Guide for Unmarried Couples, written by Attorneys Ralph Warner, Toni Ihara & Frederick Hertz. I highly recommend it!

[wiseOLDman]

Silver, I would suggest that you and he sit down and work out a little agreement. If you want to have seperate accounts, that's fine. But convince him that he should give you $25, $50 or whatever's appropriate out of each paycheck. Let him know that it's HIS money and you're not going to spend it. It's his emergency cash reserve for that computer upgrade or car repair. If you want to sweeten the pot, you can add $10 to his savings account each month. It'll probably cost you less in the long run.

[Leikela]

Hi Silver,

 

Yes, it most definitely sounds to me that your issues extend WAY beyond the money part. I am sorry to hear that he won't marry you and you aren't happy with your life. However, it also sounds to me like you are starting to realize all of this and you will start to truly evolve and change your situation.

 

You sound like such a nice person and your potential to have a happy life lies in your hands. It is definitely not easy though since, like you said, he's all you ever knew. You need to ask yourself what will make you happy. Is leaving him an option? Since you've been together since you were a teenager, you haven't had the chance to be young and single and to find yourself. Maybe that's what you need to do?

 

I was in a relationship with my first love from the age of 16-24. I finally got out of it because I was losing myself in the relationship. I didn't know who I was anymore without him by my side. Even though I loved him, it wasn't enough. I needed a sense of self in order to truly be happy. It was the most painful decision of my life, but I left him. It hurt for years, but in the end I am so much happier then I was.

 

I am not saying this is the way to go, since I don't know much about your situation, but it may be an option. The stuff your boyfriend says to you is horrible and the way he treats you is so disrespectful. If you want to try to work it out, have you ever considered counseling? Whatever path you choose to take, I wish you well. You deserve to live your life the way you want to and most importantly you deserve to be truly happy.

[SoleMate]

I just feel as though it's my fault and wonder if I am in fact the selfish one.

Heck NO! You are way more patient than I ever would have been. My advice to you is FIX THIS NOW. You're absolutely right, you need to have savings to have security. You are both getting older, and there is illness, disability, and retirement coming at you faster than you think.

 

You're right, a joint account is a disaster in your case. If I were you, and I wanted to marry this guy (which I never would, because the "b*tch" comment and the spendthrift, selfish way would already have driven me over the edge), I would give him an ultimatum. Marry me by "X date" - and be sweet as sugar the whole time between then and now - or I am outta here.

 

If you do marry this person, I suggest that you take over all money management. Get him to agree to give you his paycheck directly. That way you can do the budgeting and disbursing. You clearly are the only one capable of thinking more than 24 hours ahead. It will probably be less stressful for BOTH of you!

 

Good luck!

[wiseOLDman]

Originally posted by SoleMate

Marry me by "X date" - and be sweet as sugar the whole time between then and now - or I am outta here.

 

Why do some women believe that a marriage ultimatum is the way to go? You're in an 11-year relationship and there are a number of issues. Does giving this guy an ultimatum fix anything. Option 1- He takes it and you're in the same unfulfilled relationship that you were in before, but you have a peice of paper. Option 2- He says "to hell with that" and walks.

 

Doesn't sound to me like either option is going to achieve the results that Silver's looking for.

[Thinkalot]

This money situation does not sound fair AT ALL. You are not being selfish...you are being TOO giving. Draw up some boundaries like the others have suggested. Your man needs to take his share of financial responsibility. You may have other issues too, but as far as the money stuff goes, you need to rebalance the scales. Good luck.

[Silver]

Hello everyone,

 

Thanks for all your advice, your words are appreciated.

 

No, giving him an ultimatum won't work. In the past, many years ago, I gave something of an ultimatum. You know what his answer was? "you know where the door is, don't threaten me like that" Regardless, I wasn't planning on leaving, I just wanted to see his reaction.

 

A few months ago, I think it was September (or October), I couldn't take it all anymore (the money issues, the lies, the lack of communication, the feeling of coming last (his PC + games over me), the feeling of being uwanted, being sexually turned off, having to do all the chores + cooking myself, always being in the house - not going anywhere, doing anything new, basically everything), I felt like I was having a breakdown. I told him straight, that I couldn't take it anymore and I was starting to look for a new place. Well that night, he was going to bed and I was watching some TV, he said from the bedroom, "what you don't want to talk about it" I told him I did talk about it but he never listened to me anyways. I'll save you all the details, to make a long story short, he put the guilt trip on me and here I am still in the relationship. He said things would change and he kept using this one line, "why after 11 years do you want to throw everything away?" " I don't want you to leave" I think he told me everything I wanted to hear that night, acting sincere and nice.

 

Now I feel like I am heading down the same road I was months ago. I want(ed) us to work, but I am not feeling very happy. It feels as if it's all one-sided. I do everything I can to make him happy, I just don't feel appreciated anymore. I don't feel love coming from him, I don't feel a connection anymore. I don't know what to do or what to tell him.

 

For now, I'll take it one day at a time and see if things can improve. I'll try and make that spark between us ignite again. (to be truthful, he has some pretty gross "habits" that I don't want to touch him though, not going into detail but two of them are not showering enough or brushing his teeth, there are a few more, but they are a tad embarrassing)

 

Sorry to drag this on like I have. I'm having a dilema with myself. If I leave I think what if he was "the one" and i just threw it all away? I then think, I deserve to be with someone who truly loves me and shows it.

 

I throw this question out to you all you have been with your partners for a long time, after 11 years do you still show eachother affection, kisses, hugs, being there for them emotionally and physically, etc?

[Silver]

Sorry about making a new post, I tried to edit my one from this morning but I couldn't.

 

I just wanted to add that counseling is not an option in our case. He never thinks there is a problem, and if there was one, it would be my fault as he says. He doesn't do anything wrong in his eyes.

 

(and to try to encourage him to brush his teeth, I had bought him a new toothbrush with a bunch of other little gifts to try to throw a hint about that, but the toothbrush is still in the package, untouched in the medicine cabinet. About showering, when I take mine I ask him to come join me - entice him a bit, sometimes it works most of the time it doesn't. He went once from taking a shower on a Saturday afternoon then not having one until Thursday night. He's a pretty busy guy at work so he does work up a sweat. I have to ask him to wear deodarent to bed sometimes.)

[Leikela]

Silver,

 

If he was "the one", you would know. The fact that you have to question things, means he is not. If he was "the one", you'd be happy and he'd be willing to work any problems out. Your situation is heart breaking to read. You're so lost and confused and desperately trying to find ways to still give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

People grow apart. It's a fact of life. His hygene behaviors are horrifying and you obviously aren't too thrilled with it. The fact that he doesn't brush his teeth is going to mean mad dentist bills in the future. He is just a basket case, it sounds. Does he suffer from depression? Usually when someone is depressed, they usually don't care about ANYTHING and they just let their life fall apart.

 

You really have some big decisions to make here. There will come a time where enough is just enough. How much more can you endure? I wish you luck.

 

PS-- I haven't been with anyone 11 years, but my parents have been married 33 years. They still greet eachother with a smile and a kiss. They are the best of friends. They still talk all the time and you'll frequently hear them laughing or see them dancing in the kitchen. Their love for eachother is stronger then ever.

[Silver]

After being with someone for 11 years then finding out they aren't the one is truly heartbreaking. I am trying to make things right for us. I guess in my heart I am trying to make him be the one, I just can't grasp that I spent the past 11 years on someone that I will not have a future with. It hurts really bad just thinking of it. I know I'm still fairly young (under 30) and I have my future ahead of me, but to think I will have to one day start all over again brings many aches.

 

When I see people who do have that sense of connection it makes me a little jealous, to think that I've invested so much of myself and time into this relationship only to have it fall apart in front of my eyes and having to keep on struggling more and more each year, trying to reach the surface but I keep getting pulled back in deeper and deepr. I tried, I tried really hard, but as I mentioned for the past while it seems one-sided. I know now I have to build up my confidence and strength, I just don't know how. There has been verbal abuse in the past which he has cut me down to feel so small, everyone can say just leave, just leave, but until you have been in a situation like this you don't know how hard it is. You know you have to leave, but you just don't know how. I guess I did grow somewhat dependant on him. I never got a chance to become me. Now I have to start trying. I know I'm still kind of young (under 30) but when this is all you've known, it's hard, it's really hard. I don't know what to tell him.

 

About his hygene, no, I don't think he suffers from depression, to come out and plainly say it, I think he is just being lazy and/or just doesn't care anymore.

 

I'm trying to focus on what I have to do now.. what I should do.

 

Thanks for your help.

[SoleMate]

What you should do now...is make your decision. I advise permanent separation. Then perhaps a bit of counselling for you to help you restore some sense of your own self. I see this guy as an anchor who has been dragging you down for a long time. And yet, you retain some buoyancy. Imagine what life willbe like when you cast him off.

 

Those 11 years, strange to say, aren't wasted. They have helped you clarify what you do want and what you don't want. When you get your head straight, which won't take long, I don't think it will take long for another man to show up. Just make sure you know how to tell a keeper from one that needs to be thrown back immediately.

 

Good luck, you have a little pain and a LOT of happiness ahead of you.

[Leikela]

Those 11 years, strange to say, aren't wasted. They have helped you clarify what you do want and what you don't want.

 

I agree 100% with SoleMate. Like I told you before I was in an 8 year relationship since I was 16. It was all I knew myself too. I knew it was over about a year and half before I actually broke up with him for good. It is hard and it does take time. But like SoleMate said, I came out of it knowing what I want in someone and what qualities to stay away from. I would do it all again if I could!! I came out of it a much stronger person. I hurt for a very long time, but grew so much from it.

 

The good news is that you WILL find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. After our separation, I dated a lot of guys just to see what was out there. I wasn't looking for a long term relationship and it was kinda fun being introduced to the male species once again. There are so many good people out there! About a year after the break up, I met a really nice guy at my part-time job and we instantly connected. We remained friends for about 3 months and then just fell in love. We've been together ever since and we are approaching our one year anniversary in a month. I've never been happier! You can have that too!

 

I think the first thing you can do is explore things that you like to do. Do you have any hobbies? What are your interests? Join groups/clubs and start doing things that you love. Also, writing helps a great deal. I got a lot of my feelings out by writing. Also, by singing. Just find that outlet and use it. It really is soothing. Once you start to feel stronger then you'll know it's time to say goodbye for good. You'll be surprised to see how sunny things are without him. Good luck on your journey. You have a good soul. You can do this!