I just lost a lot of respect for a friend's marriage.

[FolderWife]

It's not a big huge deal:

 

Our neighbors have been married going on 50 years. They always seem to have so much respect and love for one another. They seem to genuinely cherish each other. I looked up to them so much.

 

The other day, I pulled in the driveway, just as my husband and neighbor were pulling out. My husband told me that he was taking him to the store down the road. I kissed him goodbye, and went inside our home.

 

When they finally got back, they came in and sat down, and I joined them. The neighbor-man pulled out a can of snuff, and an empty can of tabacco free snuff. He started putting the real tobacco in the tabacco free can, and started to tell us that we can't tell his wife. He said the doctor told him that if he didn't quit chewing tobacco, that his odds of living much longer weren't very good. He went on to tell us that his wife cought him once, and started crying. He said that she told him if she ever cought him again, she'd leave him. He and my husband were sitting there LAUGHING at this situation.

 

I got up and left. I thought he was terrible. His wife loves and trusts him so much, and he's lying to her about something that is affecting his health. Plus, he was laughing at the fact that he's so sneaky, and that when she cought him, she cried. That made me feel horrible. Plus, now my husband and I are involved. If she finds out that we knew he was hurting his health and didn't tell her, it might hurt her worse. It's one thing for your SO to keep secrets and lie to you, but it's quite another for them to make fun of your gulibility behind your back.

 

I'm not going to open my mouth about this to her, because there's no way that I would hurt and humiliate her like that. I know that he's addicted to tobacco, but I hate that my husband and I are involved in any form.

 

I wish the world was perfect. I also wish that I'd never known anything about this, so I could keep this pretty picture of their happy, respect filled marriage in my head.

[quankanne]

reality bites, don't it? nothing is as perfect as it appears, especially when it involves a relationship between two people because there are just so many things we don't see under the surface.

 

I can identify being upset with him for not taking his wife's anti-tobacco stand seriously, but you're going to have to overlook these feelings of wanting to "keep this pretty picture of their happy, respect filled marriage" in your mind because the worm has eaten through the apple, so to speak. Instead of letting it upset you the way it has, maybe invite him over for coffee, just you and him, and let him know that you feel he and his wife are a wonderful example of what you think marriage should be. Then drop the other shoe (if you feel comfortable doing this), and tell him that you felt awkward when he and your husband laughed off his wife's concern about his tobacco use, because you can identify loving your spouse so much that you want to keep him from harm. There's a good chance he'll be pissed at you for getting into his business, but there's also a chance -- if you phrase it in a non-threatening manner -- that he'll get the message that wives do these things out of love and concern. And that neighbors sometimes do, too.

[Thinkalot]

Good advice quankanne! I can understand how that would have made you feel monday, because I am a romantic and idealist too. I'd maybe do what quank suggested.