LOST9983 Posted July 2, 2010 Share Posted July 2, 2010 I've been with my boyfriend since we were young adults and about 3 years into our relationship we decided that we wanted to commit to each other for the rest of our lives. We did not get married right away because we wanted to finish school first and save up to move out on our own and to save for a wedding. It's been a year since we finished school and we're both undecided on graduate school and I ended up moving in with him in his parent's house because of my family issues, which have since been resolved but I am happy to be living with him. The area I live in is hugely expensive and it is hard to afford your own place, and if we can't get a place of our own right now we would rather have family as "roomates" than strangers. It seems to be the money part that is preventing us from planning a wedding, but there also hasn't been a *formal* proposal from him. I'm worried that the way things are going we might never actually get married because he's comfortable, and he says that he is fully committed to me and wants to spend his life with me, but is not crazy about a wedding but he will go through it if I want it, he would rather just go to city hall. I want to be married because I want to declare our commitment in front of family and thats how I was brought up. Now that I'm more mature I don't care as much for a big elaborate wedding, I just want to be married, even if its a small simple wedding. I'm wondering if I should just go ahead and propose, what do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted July 2, 2010 Share Posted July 2, 2010 Hmm. This may not be a popular opinion, but honestly I don't think the woman should ever propose to the man. My feeling is if he wants to marry you, he will propose. I suggest initiating a serious discussion about marriage and your future instead of proposing. Ask him what he wants for your relationship and if he sees marriage in your future. Ask him for a timeline -- originally you decided to wait until you were done with school, which you now are. So what's the hold up? Is it just a monetary issue? If so, suggest a small, simple wedding so that your family can be there but you don't have to spend a ton of money on it. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted July 2, 2010 Share Posted July 2, 2010 Hmm. This may not be a popular opinion, but honestly I don't think the woman should ever propose to the man. My feeling is if he wants to marry you, he will propose. I suggest initiating a serious discussion about marriage and your future instead of proposing. Ask him what he wants for your relationship and if he sees marriage in your future. Ask him for a timeline -- originally you decided to wait until you were done with school, which you now are. So what's the hold up? Is it just a monetary issue? If so, suggest a small, simple wedding so that your family can be there but you don't have to spend a ton of money on it. I agree with this 100%. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazy Magnet Posted July 2, 2010 Share Posted July 2, 2010 You can take your family to city hall with you. I say sit down and talk to him about what you want and ask for a time line. Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 I agree with make me believe, let him propose to you. Considering usually it's the man that has fears of being married, moreso than the woman, let him be the one to decide to ask you to be his wife. Let him do it when he's ready, as you're obviously ready now. With that said, don't just sit around hoping and waiting. If you want him to propose you need to ask him some questions about when does he want to get married. If he says it's after x,y,z happens, then tell him that you would like to make a plan together to get x,y, and z to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr White Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 Women should start proposing more. If we're so liberated, why stick to an ancient tradition? Or, if you insist that we do, I'd like to dial it back even further and just grab a woman I like and drag her by her hair into my cave . Now that's some authentic stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilShowers Posted July 15, 2010 Share Posted July 15, 2010 No, wait for him. If his money is funny (lol) he probably can't afford a nice engagement ring. I am sure he wants to do it the right way so give him time. I am sure his situation will turn around for the best soon. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 I've proposed twice - although the first time somewhat inadvertently, the guy took it as a proposal, I took it more as raising the fact that we might get married in the future :-) In both cases, I didn't get any sense that the woman proposing was a problem to either of them. Link to post Share on other sites
snezana Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 If wedding is most important in relationship, look for somebody else. If you love him genuinely then in due time he will propose and you will have a wedding either way. It would be wise to spend the money on the things you like rather than save for the wedding. Wait for sometime. Link to post Share on other sites
amymarieca Posted August 12, 2010 Share Posted August 12, 2010 While I admire your willingness to take matters in to your own hands, I would advise against doing it. Men are often weird about marriage so it's better to wait until he is ready! Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted August 12, 2010 Share Posted August 12, 2010 He is very young and maybe not ready, particularly as he is still living with his parents...maybe you asking would be too much pressure right now? A think a timeline adds a level of misery and duty to something that should be a wonderful, exciting decision. Definitely talk to him about it, though. Link to post Share on other sites
jamesum Posted August 12, 2010 Share Posted August 12, 2010 Nothing wrong about a woman proposing to a man. The problem is just that most of the times, marriage is something that the woman after more than the man. So the proposal seems like something forced on the guy. Not romantic at all because its not mutual. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 12, 2010 Share Posted August 12, 2010 Women should start proposing more. If we're so liberated, why stick to an ancient tradition? Or, if you insist that we do, I'd like to dial it back even further and just grab a woman I like and drag her by her hair into my cave . Now that's some authentic stuff. Sadly the fact is that many guys feel put-off by the woman proposing, just like some feel put-off by being asked out by a girl. You may not, but others do. Frankly I'd love to be the one proposing (assuming I know for certain my SO is hinting about wanting it). I get to control the timeline and it happens when I want it. But I wouldn't - and not just because I don't want marriage yet, either. Link to post Share on other sites
jamesum Posted August 12, 2010 Share Posted August 12, 2010 It doesnt matter which gender does the proposing. But the person who propose should be the person in the best position to do so. I mean the reason men were traditionally always the proposers because men were the ones with the money and the house. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady vs Panda Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 If you feel strongly that this is what you want to do, then do it. Why let society, or cowardice, or strangers on the internet, direct your life? Everybody makes their own story. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 We did not get married right away because we wanted to finish school first and save up to move out on our own and to save for a wedding. It's been a year since we finished school and we're both undecided on graduate school I proposed to my husband, so I don't see any problem with that. What I do see as the problem in your specific case is that you're jumping the gun. You two ALREADY AGREED that school would be done and you'd have saved up money to move out on your own and would have saved for a wedding. Of the three conditions, none have yet been met. So, I don't think you ought to be proposing or expecting a proposal anytime soon. Work towards achieving the goals that you two set as a couple -- that is how a partnership functions, and grows trust and faith in itself and its partners. Link to post Share on other sites
jamesum Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 I proposed to my husband, so I don't see any problem with that. Did you ask him in a particular way like that girl who proposed to her boyfriend during a university graduation speech? Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted August 15, 2010 Share Posted August 15, 2010 I don't know if you need to do a formal proposal, but you need to address it with him somehow. Just bring it up in conversation one day and see where it goes. Ask him questions about where you both see things in the future. You have a right to know and you shouldn't have to wait on him to broach the subject. Link to post Share on other sites
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