At what point does being mature overlap into the boundary of being "walked on".

[Morals]

I never thought I would ever compare someone acting mature to being walked over, but here I am. Without any analogies I'm just going to come straight out and say what I observed.

 

Over a month ago I made a suggestion that me and my female friend, (for this conversation shall be called Amy), go to an Aquarium near us. She was elated.

 

About a month ago I created a thread where me and Amy had an issue with me making a generic wall post on Facebook to see if anyone wanted to see a new event at the Aquarium. She got rather upset that I made a generic wall post, rather then directly ask her. Mis-communication ensues, she apologies for acting childish a few hours later, and we reschedule the aquarium trip for the next weekend. Everything *seems* fine.

 

Following week I end up having to deal with a family emergency and leave the state, we had plans to see a movie but obviously I can't make it, and she understands this, she was the one who drove me to the airport.

 

When I get back in town, she leaves for a wedding for her sister across the country. So we never get a chance to catch up before she leaves. Communication from her is a little weird as her statement when I returned from my trip (right before she left) was "I've been thinking of you." But that's a discussion for another thread I think...

 

The week goes by. And the day she comes back (this past Monday) I expected her to message me, as she said as much before she left. "I'll be in contact when I get back". We had made plans to see the new Twilight movie at a Midnight showing at the theatre the same time we made plans to go to the aquarium.

 

Here's the crux of the situation. She made plans to see the movie with another friend of ours whom we both used to work with. (another female whom I know, but we are just acquaintances). These plans were made on facebook posts, so I saw them loud and clear. I thought nothing of it, figured we were adding a 3rd member to the event and went on with it.

 

Well this Tuesday came and went, without contact from her when she got back, and without any contact regarding the Midnight showing of the movie.

 

 

Now, I could act like her and get upset and mention something about how we had made plans to see it back a month ago, similar to her getting upset about the aquarium event, but I didn't. I figured I would move on and just chalk it up to her jet lag.

 

I texted her this week and figured after close to not seeing each other for 3 weeks (where normally we hang out 2 times a week), we would want to catch up. Her response was "not this weekend, once I know my schedule for next weekend we should plan something".

 

I'm fine with this, kind of. But I know that people *make* time for others no matter the schedule.

 

I'm just hurt that her actions to me lately have been less then reciprical.

 

And to top it off, by looking the other way with the movie event, aren't I condoning this course of action in the future? If I mention something to her about blowing off our plans to see the movie, then I'm no better then she was about the aquarium event. If I don't say something, I'm indirectly "approving" her behavior to continue treating me as such.

 

So my thread title comes into play here...When does being mature and not saying anything about a situation turn into being walked on and having your benevolent demeanor abused?

[Ronni_W]

It's NOT mature to just keep quiet about something that is bothering you.

It's also NOT mature to cast yourself in the victim role ("my benevolent demeanor is, or may be, being abused".) And it's even worse to see yourself as the victim when you haven't yet spoken up for yourself. There is nothing "benevolent" about avoiding difficult conversations or situations.

 

It's also NOT mature to choose how you are going to act by comparing it to how the other person(s) acted or reacted. Maturity would have you act in accordance with your own values and principles, regardless of anything outside of yourself.

 

It's also that HOW you choose to express your upset feelings will demonstrate whether or not you possess mature (emotionally intelligent) communication skills.

 

You could start by just asking, "Hey, what happened - I thought we were going to see the Twilight movie last Tuesday?" And use your mature listening skills to hear her out before you use your mature verbal skills to express your own feelings.

 

Best of luck.

[Green]

I think MATURITY as it is some times alled just means being in CONTROL of yourself and RESPECTING yourself and others.

 

I'm so confused is this a girl you are romanticaly interested in? Maybe she is just losing interest in you. Have you made a move yet (KISSED HER).

[Morals]

It's NOT mature to just keep quiet about something that is bothering you.

It's also NOT mature to cast yourself in the victim role ("my benevolent demeanor is, or may be, being abused".) And it's even worse to see yourself as the victim when you haven't yet spoken up for yourself. There is nothing "benevolent" about avoiding difficult conversations or situations.

 

It's also NOT mature to choose how you are going to act by comparing it to how the other person(s) acted or reacted. Maturity would have you act in accordance with your own values and principles, regardless of anything outside of yourself.

 

It's also that HOW you choose to express your upset feelings will demonstrate whether or not you possess mature (emotionally intelligent) communication skills.

 

You could start by just asking, "Hey, what happened - I thought we were going to see the Twilight movie last Tuesday?" And use your mature listening skills to hear her out before you use your mature verbal skills to express your own feelings.

 

Best of luck.

 

Well, I kept going back to the bible saying of "Turn the other cheek". In this case, I try my best to not let situations that are similar have the same unfortunate results. In this case, acting like she did might elicit a negative response, even though she did admit that she was wrong and childish. In this case, acting that way would result in my having to admit I was childish as well. In either case I'm screwed.

 

I wouldn't say I was casting myself in the victim role, I was merely observing that the tables have turned and now I'm at a situation which doesn't NEED a response, but probably does require one in order to be resolved. Expressing upset emotions isn't necessary. A baby expresses it's emotions without thought or consequence because it doesn't know better. As adults we have the CHOICE to express our emotions. Burying them isn't healthy, but neither is expressing every single emotion people feel all the time.

 

Think about how you would feel if your girlfriend/boyfriend/SO expressed EVERY SINGLE emotion out loud.

 

Again, I wasn't casting myself in the victim role, I was observing a situation and asking for advice on how to respond to that. Less hostility,less assumptions, and definitely less sarcasm might be more beneficial on your next response to this situation, if you do choose to respond.

 

I think MATURITY as it is some times alled just means being in CONTROL of yourself and RESPECTING yourself and others.

 

I'm so confused is this a girl you are romanticaly interested in? Maybe she is just losing interest in you. Have you made a move yet (KISSED HER).

 

Did you even read the original post about my problem with Maturity versus being walked on?

 

Kissing her has nothing to do with the situation at all, I asked at what point does being mature about a situation relate to being walked on. I used her recent behavior as an example. Any other emotional connections regarding her at the moment are disregarded for the sake of this conversation which is strictly within the confines of how to react accordingly in such a situation that I described.

[WTRanger]

It's not mature to think that anyone should clear their schedule just because you come calling.

 

You are madly in love with her, admit it. You deflect any and every question about that, so it's completely obvious. The mature thing would be to stop this spineless "nice-guy" schtick. Stand up for yourself when you've been wronged! You are 100% playing the victim role. It's classic nice-guy stuff. You know those two little orbs hanging underneath your crotch? Those are called testicles. Use them once and a while will ya? Stop being such a meek little man, a milquetoast of a human being. Jesus, can you avoid confrontation with this girl any more? There's picking fights, then there is standing up for yourself as a human being. You are letting her walk all over your sorry ass.

 

She KNEW she could make other plans because she KNEW you'd be a pussy about it and not say anything.

 

What are the points of these posts? Anyone that gives you advice, you come up with alternate reasons not to even listen to it and claim you are just trying to do right by this girl. My advice is to go read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and use your testicles once and a while.

[Morals]

It's not mature to think that anyone should clear their schedule just because you come calling.

 

You are madly in love with her, admit it. You deflect any and every question about that, so it's completely obvious. The mature thing would be to stop this spineless "nice-guy" schtick. Stand up for yourself when you've been wronged! You are 100% playing the victim role. It's classic nice-guy stuff. You know those two little orbs hanging underneath your crotch? Those are called testicles. Use them once and a while will ya? Stop being such a meek little man, a milquetoast of a human being. Jesus, can you avoid confrontation with this girl any more? There's picking fights, then there is standing up for yourself as a human being. You are letting her walk all over your sorry ass.

 

She KNEW she could make other plans because she KNEW you'd be a pussy about it and not say anything.

 

What are the points of these posts? Anyone that gives you advice, you come up with alternate reasons not to even listen to it and claim you are just trying to do right by this girl. My advice is to go read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and use your testicles once and a while.

 

First off, I wasn't asking her to clear her schedule. SHE is the one who made plans with me to see the movie. I accepted and made sure my schedule was clear for the evening. I even made sure that despite the late showing, I had my work clear for the next morning so I could come in later. Maybe next time you should read the entire post.

 

I'm not madly in love with her, despite what you assume. I'm actually reading her behavior and calculating how to proceed. My point is that she acted a certain way, apologized for acting childish, and moved on. Now the shoe is on the other foot. I MADE my decision to not say anything. That is something that won't change. Reason is, by saying something I then become a hypocrite. However, at the same time, by not saying anything I am condoning her behavior to just "blow off" our plans. That is why I posted the conondrum I am in.

 

My advice is to not just follow the herd in one forum. Contrary to popular belief WTRanger, this is not the only place one can get relationship advice from. I've gotten varying responses to this. I take them all into account and go from there.

 

Let me put it this way, everytime someone wrongs you, do you go completely off the deep-end and boil over like some bipolar or someone with BPD? No. Do you see me calling you names or insulting you? No.

 

Just how I don't call you names, because frankly...your use of language is rather shallow. You use these words, because you are not smart enough to express without insulting or cursing. Only unintelligent and uneducated people use insults and derogatory comments, often when people want to voice their loud, yet insignificant opinion.

 

I've known her for FIVE YEARS. You think I'm going to "stand up for myself" and throw away a friendship after 5 years when this is the first time she's blown me off? Sorry, I don't throw away friendships as callously as you do.

 

Besides, I should expect someone who touts such a plethora of knowledge to know there is more then one "type" of love in this world.

[Yamaha]

My moto is to treat others as they treat you. If she is acting to busy to include you in her plans then you do the same. It might not be the most mature way to behave but it will save you alot of emotional drama.

[Hop_prophet]

I think you are just creating drama.

 

Now, I could act like her and get upset and mention something about how we had made plans to see it back a month ago, similar to her getting upset about the aquarium event, but I didn't. I figured I would move on and just chalk it up to her jet lag.

 

Yes you did. You clearly got upset. The only difference is that she chose to tell you about it. It seems immature to me to harbor resentment over something you chose NOT to share with her.

 

I'm just hurt that her actions to me lately have been less then reciprical.

 

Why don't you just tell her this? That would be the mature thing to do. If she is really your friend then she will care how you feel.

 

But really friendship is probably the farthest thing from your mind. Why are you posting in friends and lovers if you are not romantically interested in this girl?

[Morals]

I think you are just creating drama.

 

 

 

Yes you did. You clearly got upset. The only difference is that she chose to tell you about it. It seems immature to me to harbor resentment over something you chose NOT to share with her.

 

I don't see how I'm creating drama. But if that's your perception, go ahead, whatever makes you feel like a big man on the internet.

 

Expressing my concern over her actions and harboring resentment are two very different avenues. I think you are blurring the lines for the sake of your arguement.

 

Why don't you just tell her this? That would be the mature thing to do. If she is really your friend then she will care how you feel.

 

You know, probably the best advice I've heard so far. I should mention it to her, if she's really a friend she will care. You are right about that.

 

 

But really friendship is probably the farthest thing from your mind. Why are you posting in friends and lovers if you are not romantically interested in this girl?

 

 

As much as I hate to say this, I'm going to quote ADF:

 

"During the course of life, men come across women we may be attracted to, but for some reason or another, one party isn't as interested as the other party".

 

Paraphrased but more or less to the point. A year ago, she very subtly expressed interest in me but I was still (more or less) seeing a girl then and did not realize it until much later. Granted my relationship with that girl was waning, to the point of us not spending time nearly as much as we had, but I was still determined to put forth the effort into the relationship. Now the situation is reversed. We are still friends, just as we have always been. It's just ...different.

[paddington bear]

A year ago, she very subtly expressed interest in me

 

men come across women we may be attracted to, but for some reason or another, one party isn't as interested as the other party

and here we have the crux of the problem.

 

I'm reading this in a different way to others who have posted. You knowingly or unknowingly have strung this girl along since your last relationship trailed off. She's been driving you to airports because she's in love with you. She's pissed that a 'date' which was supposed to be just you and here became an invite for all.

 

She has over the last few weeks realised finally, that you are not interested in her romantically and has grown tired of waiting for you to realise that you guys are made for each other. She has possibly spoken to friends about it and has decided that she is moving on or at least to give you a wake up call, that she's not going to be at your beck and call any more because she will never get what she wants from you: a romantic relationship.

 

Let her go! Let her go and try to find a man that wants her as more than a friend instead of being hurt that she's becoming distant. She is probably the one who has been feeling hurt for a very long time because you expect her to continue this fake friendship forever because it suits you this way - it is a fake friendship because one party wants more than the other. You are not being fair on her. Either become her boyfriend, or stop seeing her so much as a friend, because she's in that horrible middle-ground friendzone right now, where she sees you too much, but it will never develop into anything more, thus preventing her having time and space and emotionally to move on to someone else.

[Gradschooler]

^^ Perfect! That is the reason, as I see it.