Continual Jealousy Problem; aka Same ****, Different Day

[rubie]

Here's a piece of a topic I posted a week or two ago about my jealousy issue:

...he works with the cheerleading squad at his college. His job is to hold up the girls while they do splits and all of that sort of thing.

His claim is that it means nothing when he has to have his hands all over other girls’ legs, butts, stomachs, etc…

However, I am having a hard time accepting this.

 

I want to be fair about this and I want valid opinions here, so let me add that he does get paid about $1,500 a semester to do this, but I do know that he has to enjoy it somewhat.

 

I guess my main concern is that one of his ex’s is on the team. They dated for about two months, until she cheated on him. However, she is his stunt partner, so they have to be pretty close at all times while cheering and in practice.

 

I have been to two of his games where he had to cheer and I noticed that he was talking to the ex in particular. She also sat her self down uncomfortably close to him on the bleachers during the game and on breaks.

 

The part of the text in bold is my problem.

I attended another two of his games this weekend and his ex absolutely WILL NOT leave him alone.

She sits next to him, talks to him constantly and makes sure to brush her hands over his arm or hand when she passes by him. This is making me jealous to the point of shaking and feeling physically sick.

I trust him and I have told him that what she is doing bothers me. He says he understands my jealousy but that I have nothing to worry about because he loves me and that he has no feelings for her.

So, I am not worried about him cheating on me or anything.

 

However, to elaborate further on my issue, let me add that he pointed me out to all the girls on the squad and they said "oh she's pretty; ya'll make a good couple." So, I am cool with that. BUT here's the problem:

his ex was the only one who didn't say anything. She simply looked up at me and my b/f's dad while we were up in the bleachers and rolled her eyes at my man b/f when he was talking about me. Through the rest of the game, she continually looked up at me, looked at/talked to/ flirted with/ touched my boyfriend and then looked back at me to make sure I saw it. Then she would smile at me, turn around, and do it all again. My b/f's dad even pointed this out to me.

 

[let me add that I know I have mentioned that I was there with his dad, but I am 19 and we we're up in the mountains visiting him in college. We are not in high school so this drama is not quite as callow as it may sound]

 

Anyhow, when the team was preforming stunts during half time, his ex-girlfriend/current stunt partner would look DIRECTLY AT ME while she was on my boyfriend's shoulders with her legs wrapped around his neck.

She would smile this snotty little smile and stare at me the whole way back to the sidelines.

Ugh this makes me so mad. I am trying SO HARD to be civil and fair and trusting. I am trying to control the green-eyed jealousy monster that surfaces when I feel this way but it's becoming hard.

 

He sincerely claims that I don't need to worry. I know that he is a good person and that he would not cheat on me. But, I can't help but feel <--- all those ways when I see them working together.

 

I guess my feeling is worse tonight because he is gone to practice right now and I know he is with her and she is probably all flirty flirty and I am not there to do or say anything about it.

 

I guess my questions are:

-am I over reacting?

-what would you guys do?

-should I call her? (HE gave me HER number and said I could call her and tell her what I thought)

-and lastly, what are some things I can do to deal with this?

[FreeMe]

I think you should not acknowledge her behavior to her in any way. She is infantile, catty, and mean. Don't even stoop to acknowledge her. She's doing it to upset you and the more she knows it's getting to you, the more she'll do it. When you're not there she probably doesn't flirt with him the way she does when you're there. She's also making herself look bad - I doubt your boyfriend would want to go back to a girl like that. I have a feeling his father's opinion of her dropped too.

 

I know it's hard - I would feel jealous too, but the only way her behavior will stop is when she gets bored of putting on a show no one is watching.

[rubie]

That makes sense. I am not calling her. I decided against that because I thought it may prompt her to flirt more drastically.

 

Thanks for the advice!

 

Also, to give my man the credit he deserves, he told her last night that he could see he and I being engaged a few months down the road and that we plan on living together next semester. He said she was sort of quiet and aloof the rest of the night.

X 100000000000000000000000000000

[FreeMe]

That's Great!!!

 

He sounds like a great guy. I'm sure that put her in her place! Congratulations - hopefully that will keep her catty behavior in check. You can hold your head high and studiously take no notice of her!

[rubie]

I am losing my mind right now.

UGH

 

Just when things seem okay, that's when I start to mess up.

 

I wish I could make like a sub thread or something because this is a related topic but sort of different and I don't want to keep starting threads with similar issues.

 

HERE'S MY NEW DELIMA (still a pre-exsisting problem, but anyway):

 

MY JEALOUSY CAUSES ME TO BLURT OUT THINGS THAT I SHOULD NOT SAY.

Just silly little stuff. For example:

earlier, I was on the phone with my boyfriend and he said that he and his roomie were going to the mall to chill and buy some supplies for his fishtank.

for some ungodly reason the thought of him checking out other girls just popped right into my head.

So, I said: "Oh yeah... have fun checking out other girls!"

 

So far in this relationship, I have sort of kept this jealousy problem under wraps. Generally, in all of my other relationships, it surfaced a little sooner than in this one. BUT I CAN FEEL IT COMING ON.

Oh God it's coming and when it's here, it just doesn't stop.

 

When I said that earlier, his response was that he was hurt by the fact that I would accuse him of something like that and that I should know him better than that. I know in my heart what he says is true. I know I can trust him but it all goes back to my own insecurities, I think.

Adding to the fact that I battle with my self confidence every day (or rather the lack-there-of), this is an LDR and being seperated from him makes me feel detached and like I am out of control of our relationship.

 

WHICH BY THE WAY, I fear that I will become too controlling because of my jealousy.

I KNOW this would push him away, as a controlling girlfriend is usually something that will push away even the best of boyfriends.

 

I am just so lost. My personal issues may be the downfall of what could have been a perfect relationship.

 

I am an awful girlfriend. He deserves so much better but then , if I tell him that, what if he starts to really believe it and then leaves me for someone who is better?

[Thinkalot]

Rubie! You do not need to tell him that, and you are NOT an awful girlfriend. You are a great person, but one, who like me, has some issues. YOu need to conquer them, before they ruin this relationship, and if not this one, the next one...and so on.

 

Can you afford counselling to discuss your insecurities/jealousy etc.? Can you get some books on the subject, and also on raising self esteem? Can you try some of the techniques I've been using in the thread I have in the self-improvement section ( I just added something else to it today, which you may find helpful...I am not perfect in this area either! but getting there....have a read and post if you like to let me know if it seems helpful at all).

 

I mean the cheerleader thing is one thing, but it sounds like it will overflow to other areas, as it obviously has in the past. So better to get a grip on it now. I have also suffered jealousy and insecurity in previous relationships. But the one I am in is too good to stuff up! Please start doing stuff.

 

Don't despair though, or be hard on yourself (I touch on that in my other thread). That only compounds your self esteem problems. I'll look out for you in the other thread too.

 

Hang in there..you're doing your best and YOU WILL GET THERE! I hope I can help a little, because I can empathise with you.

 

Best wishes.