Ok ok... I give up,theres no hope left.How do I tell someone to get out of my life?

[afyreinside848]

All hope is DEAD...I *think* I've finally accepted that nothing is ever going to go back to the way things were between me and my ex-gf and I cant just be friends and watch her go out with other guys etc,while I still have lots of feelings for her.Ive already had to do that twice with her, and it sucks really bad.So my question is, 1. How do I tell her nicely, that I dont want to be friends anymore(weve been just friends for months now,I want her completely out of my life,and forget everything that happened.Im tired of being stressed out and depressed.Id like to do this without sparking a grudge,because this woman gets destructive when you piss her off,(throwing all my books out of our locker etc) 2.How do I bring this up in a conversation and what exactly do I say? 3. How do I get over someone? This is the only girl Ive ever actually "loved".And the "just friends" thing was good for awhile, but now were barely even that, she never wants to do anything with me on the weekends(we used to be inseparable), she never returns my calls(we used to stay on the phone for 2+ hrs),And she goes into detail about her sex life, knowing that I still have feelings for her.She makes me feel horrible like im worthless.

[dyermaker]

Dearest __(name)___,

 

I enjoyed the time that we have spent together. You'll always have a place in my heart, and I want to sincerely thank you for the feelings and memories that we have shared. I'm still in love with you, but I'm healthy enough to recognize these feelings will pass. Unfortunately, they will not depart if I continue to see you. We have attempted to be casual friends, but the unrequited feelings that I have for you are doing me an emotional disservice. Simply put, I can't remain happy with a mere friendship. I have the utmost respect for you, but as a gesture of self-respect, I need to end our relationship, on all levels. I hope that you are not hurt by this, but if you care for me a fraction of how I care for you, you will respect my emotional health and allow me to reconcile myself without you.

 

Yours in gratitude,

__(you)_____

[amerikajin]

Dyer's way is certainly one way to do it.

 

The truth is, I don't think there's ever a nice way to break up with someone. Breaking up is about damage control, cutting your losses. Some people can break up and become friends later, but it depends on how long you've been dating. The longer you date, the harder it is to just become friends. It can be done, but I think it usually happens when both people have had time to move on with their lives. And by that point, the attitude of most people is "Why bother going into the past?" Most don't go back into the past unless circumstances somehow bring them back together again.

 

I think you just have to do it. There's no graceful way out of this. This is one of those situations when you would probably rather just let it come out. If you guys regularly hang out face to face, you might want to have one last face to face meeting with her. If you don't regularly see each other, then maybe the phone's more appropriate. E-mail's bad form, I think, but if that's the only way to do it, well...it's understandable.

 

My ex (actually my ex fiancee) and I never never had a talk to end things, it was just clear to me the last time we spoke that she wasn't really interested in talking to me anymore. It was a weird vibe. I remember right before I came to Japan, I called her one last time after she had sent me a box with some things I had left in her house. It was now six months post-break-up. When I she answered, she was cordial, but I could tell things were different. It had been three or four months since I last spoke to her over the phone. We had by this point cut down our contact to handwritten letters. I think we had each sent each other one or two letters. E-mail contact had been severed for a few months. When she spoke, I remember thinking it was like she was talking to me as just another friend she hadn't spoken to in a while. It seemed like she was using that opportunity to vent, as though she was trying to tell me off. I remember her saying "Tell your mother I said 'Hello'. I don't know if she wants to hear from me or not...I don't know. I don't care." And when I asked how she was doing, she replied "I'm doing great. My practice (she's a mental health counselor) is taking off, making good money. I think we made the right decision (to break-up)" And when I told her I loved her two or three times, she was silent. That was the last time we spoke, amost two years ago now.

 

At first I was hurt by it, even a little angry. But I understood it. She just didn't want to talk anymore. It was too painful and she was ready to move on with her life. I wish she simply would have told me that from the beginning. There was no need to say those things or to act that way with me. It taught me that friendship after romance is difficult.

 

It's not impossible, though. I actually work with one of my ex's and after a couple of months of not talking to each other, we've become cordial with each other. I've even offered to help her with her English proficiency (she's also Chinese), and she's open to the idea. We talk. We just don't talk as much. I don't know if we'll ever sit down for a friendly cup of coffee, though it wouldn't bother me. I don't think it would bother her. There would probably be limits.

[dyermaker]

I was under the impression they had already broken up, and he was trying not to break up with her, but to remove her from his life entirely, because her mere presence reminds him of the relationship, and was hampering his ability to get over her.

[amerikajin]

So was I.

[dyermaker]

As long as we're on the same page.

[Errol]

Originally posted by afyreinside848

All hope is DEAD...I *think* I've finally accepted that nothing is ever going to go back to the way things were between me and my ex-gf and I cant just be friends and watch her go out with other guys etc,while I still have lots of feelings for her.Ive already had to do that twice with her, and it sucks really bad.So my question is, 1. How do I tell her nicely, that I dont want to be friends anymore(weve been just friends for months now,I want her completely out of my life,and forget everything that happened.Im tired of being stressed out and depressed.Id like to do this without sparking a grudge,because this woman gets destructive when you piss her off,(throwing all my books out of our locker etc)

 

Find a neutral place -- somewhere that she does not have access to your belongings and if she pitches a fit (or anything else) you can get up and walk away. Then just tell her that you must be honest and that you feel it would be best for both of you to stop contacting each other. Tell her it was great while it lasted, but that you cannot get on with your life while she is still in it and that you hope she will respect that.

 

 

2.How do I bring this up in a conversation and what exactly do I say?

Don't try to chat casually and then bring this up during another conversation. Be straightforward. "I asked you here today because I have something important I want to discuss with you" and go from there. There is no point in trying to side-step or ease into it.

3. How do I get over someone?

You just do. You go on with your life, you do things with friends, you date, you grieve a little and it gets easier.